UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I wonder... How often do men cheat and how often does the "other woman" actually become more than just sex? I am brand new to this forum and have a situation myself. I like the honesty openness in the forum and would like to get in deeper to my situation once I get to know you all more. Thank for the initial opportunity to post. I look forward to getting feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I wonder... How often do men cheat and how often does the "other woman" actually become more than just sex? I am brand new to this forum and have a situation myself. I like the honesty openness in the forum and would like to get in deeper to my situation once I get to know you all more. Thank for the initial opportunity to post. I look forward to getting feedback. Welcome Aboard, my fellow New Yorker (although I'm officially a Jersey girl now ). I can't answer your first question, but I will tell you this--I dated MM for quite a while before we had sex (5 months). It has all gone down hill since those couple of times, but this all varies R to R--person to person. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 We're living together now and he's in the D process... We've been together over 3 years now... I think that if it's a LTA, then there's a pretty good chance that there's emotions on both parts... Short-term A's I'm sure are mostly for sex... Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I wonder... How often do men cheat and how often does the "other woman" actually become more than just sex? I am brand new to this forum and have a situation myself. I like the honesty openness in the forum and would like to get in deeper to my situation once I get to know you all more. Thank for the initial opportunity to post. I look forward to getting feedback. Men cheating just depends on the man. How often does the "other woman" actually become more than just sex? That again depends on the man. Those of us here are typically the OW/OM. That means that we only get half of the story just like the W/H. We have no idea if the "I love you" actually means love or not. Who knows it could just be something that the MM/MW says to keep the A going. Typically, it is more common for a MW to develop feelings for the OM. Does it happen? Who knows. It might just be infatuation with the excitement of the A. I just am not sure that there is really a concrete answer for your question. I suppose it is all situational. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 My understanding... the majority of MM (more than 50% of all of them) have cheated or will cheat on their W's at some point in the M. And the majority of those cheating MM's love their W's and don't want to leave the M for the OW. I've also noticed that there is a great deal of confusion and uncertainty in the typical MM's mind regarding his feelings for the OW. He's just not too sure about the whole thing. Hence the lying, flip-flopping, throw-her-under-the-bus behavior. My advice? Get a dog. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Men cheating just depends on the man. How often does the "other woman" actually become more than just sex? That again depends on the man. Those of us here are typically the OW/OM. That means that we only get half of the story just like the W/H. We have no idea if the "I love you" actually means love or not. Who knows it could just be something that the MM/MW says to keep the A going. Typically, it is more common for a MW to develop feelings for the OM. Does it happen? Who knows. It might just be infatuation with the excitement of the A. I just am not sure that there is really a concrete answer for your question. I suppose it is all situational. Even men fall in love...Sometimes they just don't love you more than they love themselves... Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 Ok, here's the situation. I found myself in bed with a MM yesterday. I am not sure as to what to do. I know you will all tell me to run in the opposite direction, but I do not want to. I have only known him a short time. I feel guilty but at the same time I feel like I want it more and more. What do I have to lose??? Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 What do I have to lose??? Your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Ok, here's the situation. I found myself in bed with a MM yesterday. I am not sure as to what to do. I know you will all tell me to run in the opposite direction, but I do not want to. I have only known him a short time. I feel guilty but at the same time I feel like I want it more and more. What do I have to lose??? Please help! Why do you want to be with him? How did you "find" yourself in bed with him? Why do you want to stay in the R? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 Why do you want to be with him? How did you "find" yourself in bed with him? Why do you want to stay in the R? I'm not sure why I want to be with him again, maybe because I have been down a long road of hurt and rejection and when this one rejects me at least I will know it is because he's already married? I'm so confused. I found myself in bed with him... jeez, sounds horrible... anyway, our children go to school together and we were in an elevator together the other day, next thing I know we are making out (like high schoolers), then he wanted to stop by my place for coffee, so I said sure. Things happened SO fast that I didn't even have time to rationalize and think things through. I want the R to continue because it's new, exciting, taboo??? I don't have anyone in my life right now and it's nice to have something to look forward to I guess. I'm feeling quite pathetic right now. Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 Your heart. I know he is M, so my heart will not get involved, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm not sure why I want to be with him again, maybe because I have been down a long road of hurt and rejection and when this one rejects me at least I will know it is because he's already married? I'm so confused. I found myself in bed with him... jeez, sounds horrible... anyway, our children go to school together and we were in an elevator together the other day, next thing I know we are making out (like high schoolers), then he wanted to stop by my place for coffee, so I said sure. Things happened SO fast that I didn't even have time to rationalize and think things through. I want the R to continue because it's new, exciting, taboo??? I don't have anyone in my life right now and it's nice to have something to look forward to I guess. I'm feeling quite pathetic right now. Wow. New and exciting may sound good to you right now, however those two words can spell disaster down the line. Right now your caught up in that "Feel Good" mode. Now is the time to stop and think about what type of terrible long term affect this can have on everyone involved. Trust me. Think long and hard about this. Best of luck. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know he is M, so my heart will not get involved, right? If only it were that simple. Even the most cynical "no emotional involvement" cases aren't immune to the heart getting involved. The only way I could see it is if you were experienced and accomplished with FWB situations in general. Most people aren't, hence the whole pesky 'love' thing interfering with one party or the other. Even then, there is no guarantee that it will stay 'just sex'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 New and exciting may sound good to you right now, however those two words can spell disaster down the line. Right now your caught up in that "Feel Good" mode. Now is the time to stop and think about what type of terrible long term affect this can have on everyone involved. Trust me. Think long and hard about this. Best of luck. AP:) I know that I do not want to hurt his wife (whom I don't know) or his children. However I don't know why I did it, and why I desire to do it more!!!!! Is there any psychology behind this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnusuallyUnusual Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 If only it were that simple. Even the most cynical "no emotional involvement" cases aren't immune to the heart getting involved. The only way I could see it is if you were experienced and accomplished with FWB situations in general. Most people aren't, hence the whole pesky 'love' thing interfering with one party or the other. Even then, there is no guarantee that it will stay 'just sex'. I have had a few FWB situations, but most of the time one of us does get emotionally involved. As I asked in my other reply, why do I want to continue doing this so badly? Am I a horrible person? Do I have no conscious? I'm a good person with a conscious and high morals. However, I find myself in this situation. I'm just a confused mess. heh. Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Ok, here's the situation. I found myself in bed with a MM yesterday. I am not sure as to what to do. I know you will all tell me to run in the opposite direction, but I do not want to. I have only known him a short time. I feel guilty but at the same time I feel like I want it more and more. What do I have to lose??? Please help! Hmmm.... What do you have to lose? your heart (as someone already said) your rational mind your dignity your self respect your chance at a healthy relationship (when you are in an A you do not seek another relationship) your ability to love and/or trust another human being your sense of self (you no longer know who you are because these actions are not typical of the person you know yourself to be) I could probably go on, but I won't. You understand what I am saying. Nothing that any of us say to you at this point will change your mind, so I just hope for your sake that your situation turns out better than 95% of those of us around here. No one was able to tell me anything about my relationship, and when you start and A, that is just how it is. You lose so much that you just don't care anymore. Be careful and best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know that I do not want to hurt his wife (whom I don't know) or his children. However I don't know why I did it, and why I desire to do it more!!!!! Is there any psychology behind this? I can tell you that the biggest reason why as a MW I had an ea with a mm was because at that time I was in a very troubled marriage. I am not proud of my choice..I choose the wrong road. I assume you are married? If so how is your marriage? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know he is M, so my heart will not get involved, right? Gee , thats what I said..... almost 4 years ago:sick: Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I have only known him a short time. I feel guilty but at the same time I feel like I want it more and more. What do I have to lose??? Problem is, you don't think his wife is "real". You don't think your part in the affair will hurt her and their kids (if they have any). You are thinking IN the moment, not long term. What do you have to lose? Your self respect. The woman you are in general. You will eventually settle for less, play second fiddle to his wife, his kids, his extended family, his job, his friends...Sure right now it feels great and you are on a high...But once that high fades abit and reality sets in, atleast for him, things will change and you will be hurt. Go read in this section and learn what you're up against. I hope you take time to decide what it is you want and be ready to live with the consquences of your choices if you do choose to continue to be with the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 And the majority of those cheating MM's love their W's and don't want to leave the M for the OW. My guess is that the majority of cheating MM's stay in the M due to the financial obligations and distance they would have from their children and not because they love their w. In any case- get out before you invest too much. You are very likely to get hurt. Even IF he ends up with you- I promise you it will be a difficult and hurtfull clime before that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know he is M, so my heart will not get involved, right? That's not really how it works. That's what your brain tells you. Or, that's probably what your brain WAS telling you back when you two first started flirting..."oh, he's married, there's no way this is going anywhere, it's just harmless flirtation, it doesn't mean anything, it's safe..." And then you 'found' yourself in bed with him. So much for safe. And now you're telling yourself you can't possibly fall in love with him because he's married. But you can. And you will, if you give in to your heart's impulse to stay involved and continue this relationship. You can't help it - you're already too sucked in to WANT to walk away. Next thing, you'll be saying you just CAN'T walk away. However I don't know why I did it, and why I desire to do it more!!!!! Is there any psychology behind this? There can be all kinds of psychology behind it. You have to look within yourself to figure out what it is for you and your particular situation. Right now, he probably seem like the only interesting, exciting man you know or have met in a long time. So, he's attracted your attention. And he's probably made you feel very good about yourself...sexy, beautiful, charming - that's validation seeking, maybe due to some low self-esteem lately, or loneliness. And it could be mixed in with fear of intimacy or commitment - this relationship seems like he won't be asking for ALL of you because he can't since he's already otherwise involved with all of someone, his wife. So you can be IN a relationship without ever truly having to be vulnerable and open, like in a full relationship. The kicker is, you'll end up more vulnerable than you can imagine, because you'll slip into it without even realizing it. Anyway, those are some thoughts. I'm sure if you think about it, you'll be able to hit on the why this kind of relationship is appealing to you at this time in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
marencolleen Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 i can tell you from my expierience that it's not always as just about sex, but its not about a relationship either. I had an expierience starting my freshman year of college. I started dating a guy, we went for two or three months and then he finally told me that the "friend" that was coming to visit during spring break, was his girlfriend. the following school year, she switched schools, 2000 miles away. I was the other woman, but he made me feel justified in being the other woman. he told me that they were on and off and that she was the one making the problems and that they weren't really together. She was a mean girl, i ended up with a restraining order against her. Every few weeks i would start feeling slutty and break up with him, then he would come back extremely upset and missing me. it went on like that from august to march. She finally 'cheated' (who really knows what the relationship status was) and moved in with a new boyfriend, broke up with the new boyfriend, and moved back home. we stayed on and off, or friends with benefits for another year. I loved him, he didn't love me, but he couldn't let go either. he said we never had a relationship. he said the freedom of talking to me, of me being his best friend and the only person to support him emotionally through everything and our amazing sex life was perfect for him. but we never had a relationship. to end it, i was the other woman, in some way we had an ongoing relationship for over a year, and he was devestated when i eloped and didn't come back to school. affairs aren't always simple, its not always about either sex or emotion. and its not easy for the other woman. Our affair quite litterally almost killed me. the stress of it all set me back to anorexia again and by the time the girlfriend was out of the picture, i was down to 90 pounds. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 IMO, if the A starts of as sex, and by that I mean 'sex' from the word go before anything else including friendship, then there is even less chance of it developing into something else. An A, yes, but very unlikely to end in a 'proper' R. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 If only it were that simple. Even the most cynical "no emotional involvement" cases aren't immune to the heart getting involved. I guess I'm a case in point. After years of having it all my own way, I went and fell for my current MM. Not sure how, why... but it happened. And I thought, after all my practice, I was immune. IMO, if the A starts of as sex, and by that I mean 'sex' from the word go before anything else including friendship, then there is even less chance of it developing into something else. An A, yes, but very unlikely to end in a 'proper' R. Sadly not, as I've discovered - no one is ever immune from that possibility! Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 You're already involved in this more than you should be. And you're headed on a downward road, sorry to say. You have a lot to lose, especially since you're a single parent who should be with someone who can devote time to you and your child and not just have to share someone with another family. This feels good right now because the sex was exciting and hot and in the heat of the moment it all feels like there should be more. But the after-effects are not good for something like this. There's lots of cases on the forums where people have given in to their libidos and regretted the situation down the line. Think long and carefully about where you want to be down the line. Still single and ready to mingle with a nice unattached person, or playing second fiddle and sharing a man with another family and causing hurt and pain to yourself as well as to them ? Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
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