First timer

[GypsyGirl]

Hi everyone. I want to say thank you in advance, because I've been reading this forum like a maniac for weeks and I've read so much good advice. However, reading it and actually applying it to your own situation are two different things, as you all no doubt know.

 

My background: I just turned 30, and I work for my family's company. 6 months ago we got a new employee. By the end of January, he became my MM. Until then, I'd been in a very bad relationship for 4 years.

 

MM asked me out one night, and I went. Within 5 minutes I asked him what the deal was with his marriage--I knew he was interested in me and I was feeling the same, and I wanted to know his intentions. He told me he had no real complaints about his marriage, they don't argue, his wife is a good person, just very wrapped up in her work, blah blah blah. We sat across the table from each other and basically agreed to cheat with each other--he knew I was unhappy, I knew he was unhappy, and there you go.

 

Long story short, our feelings spun out of control pretty quickly (nothing new, from what I've read here) and I moved out of the apartment I shared with my boyfriend within a week--at MM's urging, partly because I told the stories of all the screwed up things my ex did, and partly because MM wanted me to be "all his." (Controlling and ironic as that may be, I can't help but thank him because I never had the strength to leave my ex on my own.)

 

MM is wonderful. He adores me, treats me like gold, my family loves him, and clearly we really like each other and enjoy each other's company. Outside of work, I see him 2 nights a week, and on most of the other nights he leaves the house for an hour or two to talk on the phone with me. I have no doubt that he loves me.

 

One other thing--he says this is the first time he's cheated on her, and for the time being I believe him.

 

His marriage seems unhappier than he originally described. He's 35 and married 12 years. They have no children; he wants kids and she does not. She's very into her job, to the detriment of pretty much everything else--no housework or cooking for her. He says they haven't had sex in 6 months, but that's probably b.s. Basically, it sounds like they got married too young and grew into two completely incompatible people.

 

BUT, when I've told him that this is torturing me and asked him if he ever intends to leave her, I've gotten a few different responses. In the beginning, it was a straight-up "no." Then it was, "I owe her too much, I can't just leave her" (I gather that she's always made a lot more money than he has, and he feels he owes her financially). Now it's, "As soon as the dog dies, I'm leaving, I can't take it anymore" (they have a 12-year-old dog).

 

One thing that has remained constant since day one--he told me that if she ever finds out he's cheating, she'll kick him out and be done with him. So, he says he will not tell her or leave her, but if she finds out on her own, great-- no problem, he and I will be living together in a week, problem solved.

 

It's driving me crazy. I swore to myself that when the sadness outweighed the happiness here, I would put an end to this. But I can't. I tell him I don't want to talk to him, that this is making me insane, and he begs me not to leave. I give in, because I never really intend to leave him--I love him. No matter how much I b*tch and moan, he listens and calmly tells me he loves me, he understands, and to stay positive. But it's really difficult to stay positive when you're sleeping alone every night.

 

This is pretty long and I'm sure there will be room for elaboration in further posts. It feels good to vent. Thanks again, everybody.

[GreenEyedLady]

He's lying...

 

He can't leave until the dog dies...Whatever...

 

It's one thing if you're ok with everything, but he's stalling...

 

You have two options: end it or wait it out awhile longer and see what happens...It's only been 3 months...I don't know many MM who actually leave that soon-they don't really know you at that point...

 

And for those that argue that if they don't leave at all unless it's in the first six months, well maybe those are part of the other fictional 97%...A man will not leave unless he feels that he is getting as a good a deal...And at 3 months, they won't have that security...

 

Anyways, it's your choice...What do you want to do? But call him that dog crap...

 

Sheesh, that's the dumbest excuse I ever heard...

[GypsyGirl]

LOL, green! I know, I know, the dog thing sounds ridiculous, but both MM and I are hardcore in love with our dogs. I hate that that's his excuse, but I can definitely understand it.

 

I keep telling myself that 3 months isn't so long, just to calm down and see where it goes. But then I think, What happens when a year goes by and everything is still the same, and I'm living half a life? I know from common sense (and these boards) that happily-ever-after with the MM is a long shot.

 

The 3-month and 6-month statistics kill me, so thanks for giving little credence to those.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, he says he will not tell her or leave her, but if she finds out on her own, great-- no problem, he and I will be living together in a week, problem solved.

 

He says that now, but if it takes his wife kicking him out to get him to leave, it may not be as easy for him as he is letting on. They talk a big game, right up until Dday that is.

 

Do you really want to be with a man who will not leave because he wants to be with you, but instead leaves because he is forced to?

 

Do you really want a man who is that conflict avoidant?

 

I'm telling you now - you do not want him moving in with you right after he gets the boot. He will need time and space to get through his divorce. What is it you really want? The product of marital leftovers which will bleed over into your own relationship, or do you want a man who is fully divorced, and was able to get over it on his own?

 

It sounds like he has a lot more problems than just marital ones. Problems that won't change when he changes partners. His way of coping with relationship problems is to take the passive aggressive route: cheat his way out of it. I can guarantee you that if he does not clear his problems on his own for a while, he will revert to this same behavior when he has relationship problems with you.

 

If he leaves or is booted out - fine, but... he needs some firm conditions: he is to have his own place/time/space to figure out what he needs to figure out in order to have a healthy relationship including plenty of counseling.

[child_of_isis]

Tell her. Then you will find out the real truth.

[Gwyneth]

 

My background: I just turned 30, and I work for my family's company. 6 months ago we got a new employee. By the end of January, he became my MM. Until then, I'd been in a very bad relationship for 4 years.

 

Rule #1: Don't date someone you work with

Rule #2: Especially if your dad is his boss...

Rule #3: And if the person is married...

 

MM asked me out one night, and I went. Within 5 minutes I asked him what the deal was with his marriage--I knew he was interested in me and I was feeling the same, and I wanted to know his intentions. He told me he had no real complaints about his marriage, they don't argue, his wife is a good person, just very wrapped up in her work, blah blah blah. We sat across the table from each other and basically agreed to cheat with each other--he knew I was unhappy, I knew he was unhappy, and there you go.

 

What is he unhappy about? You just said yourself there's no problem in his marriage...

 

Long story short, our feelings spun out of control pretty quickly (nothing new, from what I've read here) and I moved out of the apartment I shared with my boyfriend within a week--at MM's urging, partly because I told the stories of all the screwed up things my ex did, and partly because MM wanted me to be "all his." (Controlling and ironic as that may be, I can't help but thank him because I never had the strength to leave my ex on my own.)

 

While it's great this man got you to remove yourself from a bad R and a bad living space, he seems a bit possessive--don't ya think?

 

Rule #4: Don't date a man who thinks he owns you.

 

MM is wonderful. He adores me, treats me like gold, my family loves him, and clearly we really like each other and enjoy each other's company. Outside of work, I see him 2 nights a week, and on most of the other nights he leaves the house for an hour or two to talk on the phone with me. I have no doubt that he loves me.

 

Yeah REAL great! Has no real problem with his marriage--except maybe he has no control over his wife, so he is using you as his source of control.

 

Sure, your family Loves him--but do they know he's f'king their single, recently separated daughter? Let's see how much they Love him when they find this one out.

 

Treats you like Gold?

 

One other thing--he says this is the first time he's cheated on her, and for the time being I believe him.

 

It probably is, because you're the first girl he's found that he can control and manipulate; or he's lying about that, and frequently dates the boss' daughter...

 

His marriage seems unhappier than he originally described.

 

Well when you Originally described it to us, it seemed to be perfectly fine to me--except his W doesn't have much time for him because she works...

 

He's 35 and married 12 years. They have no children; he wants kids and she does not.

 

So Brad and Jen...

 

She's very into her job, to the detriment of pretty much everything else--no housework or cooking for her. He says they haven't had sex in 6 months, but that's probably b.s. Basically, it sounds like they got married too young and grew into two completely incompatible people.

 

Could very well be the problem but, I'm sure she has Always been the way she is. He married the working woman who doesn't cook or clean--which I find hard to believe. I guess he's trying to say he does it All...

 

BUT, when I've told him that this is torturing me and asked him if he ever intends to leave her, I've gotten a few different responses.

 

RED Flag Alert

 

In the beginning, it was a straight-up "no." Then it was, "I owe her too much, I can't just leave her" (I gather that she's always made a lot more money than he has, and he feels he owes her financially).

 

What does he owe her? He claims she doesn't clean, doesn't cook, and doesn't bang him--so what does he owe her???

 

Now it's, "As soon as the dog dies, I'm leaving, I can't take it anymore" (they have a 12-year-old dog).

 

 

One thing that has remained constant since day one--he told me that if she ever finds out he's cheating, she'll kick him out and be done with him. So, he says he will not tell her or leave her, but if she finds out on her own, great-- no problem, he and I will be living together in a week, problem solved.

 

Wow, what a Charming man.

 

It's driving me crazy.

 

Then walk away. YOU have that ability. Walk away...

 

I swore to myself that when the sadness outweighed the happiness here, I would put an end to this. But I can't. I tell him I don't want to talk to him, that this is making me insane, and he begs me not to leave. I give in, because I never really intend to leave him--I love him. No matter how much I b*tch and moan, he listens and calmly tells me he loves me, he understands, and to stay positive. But it's really difficult to stay positive when you're sleeping alone every night.

 

If he Loved you--or even himself, he wouldn't be hurting you like this. He's let go, and find a New job.

 

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but really--c'mon hun! He has given you So many reasons why he won't leave his wife--even using his Dog as a reason. That's as lame as a 4th grader telling the teacher his dog ate his homework...

 

My advice? Run as fast as you can. Because let me tell you something--as soon as your family finds out, you can bet daddy won't be happy. You can also bet that daddy will probably fire this MM. That's my assumption--I don't know how your family handles this stuff, but this is how it would go in my family if my parents were his boss.

 

This guy has taken you from a rebound and has already broken your heart even more.

 

Rule #5: Recover from one R before moving on to the next--especially if the next begins with lies.

 

Best of Luck to you

[GypsyGirl]

<sigh> The twist here is that the family knows he and I are having a relationship. We don't flaunt it, but we didn't hide it. They warned me to be very careful but otherwise didn't give me strong opinions--probably because they know that the strong opinions/advice they gave me in my last relationship got me nowhere. Weird, I know, but it's true.

[child_of_isis]

She doesn't cook, clean or give up the sex....lol...that just says toooo much.

 

I'd run from that freak. If you do get him, you'll know exactly what your status in life will be.

[mistresswchildren]

The issue here is, if he were really unhappy, he would have left her regardless of you. He's happy with what he has. He's not about to screw up that deal. His wife sounds very career driven, and with that she seems to work a lot. Honestly, if this hadn't been you, it would have been someone else (sorry if that is a little harsh). If his initial reaction to you when you asked if he was ever going to leave her was "no," then the answer is the same today as it was before.

 

I'm not going to sit here and say that he would have left her for you right away if he really wanted it, but the point is do you really want him to leave her for YOU? The reasons that people get out of relationships should be their own. It should not be based on whether or not he is going to get a better deal else where. This is why most affairs end after the marriage has ended, or shortly thereafter. Basing a huge decision like a divorce off of another human being or a relationship with that person places weight on that relationship. There are then too many expectations.

 

You have to be perfect. You have to walk on eggshells. You have to be the woman that she wasn't. As soon as you are not that person, the whole thing goes up in smoke. Do you really want him to leave her because of you? That means that in the end he could do that to you the second he finds a bigger, better deal.

 

I will not lie, I have been recently very jaded by my experience and that might be why this sounds harsh, but I do not want any one else hurt the way that I have been. I think that if I can make you think about these things, it may just enlighten you. In the end you will do what you want, but heed my words. End this now before you are in it for life. Find happiness somewhere else because in my experience and many of those people here (but not all), he will never leave her. Percentages say that approximately 3% of men leave their W for the OW. Maybe you will be in that 3%, but do you really want to take the chance when you could be living your life to its fullest with someone that you do not have to share.

[Gwyneth]

<sigh> The twist here is that the family knows he and I are having a relationship. We don't flaunt it, but we didn't hide it. They warned me to be very careful but otherwise didn't give me strong opinions--probably because they know that the strong opinions/advice they gave me in my last relationship got me nowhere. Weird, I know, but it's true.

 

Yeah--my mother gave me a discouraging look when I first told her, but didn't give me the lectures because she knew I'd tell her I don't want to hear it.

[GreenEyedLady]

LOL, green! I know, I know, the dog thing sounds ridiculous, but both MM and I are hardcore in love with our dogs. I hate that that's his excuse, but I can definitely understand it.

 

The 3-month and 6-month statistics kill me, so thanks for giving little credence to those.

 

Who do you want him to love more: you or his dog?

 

And my MM left his M...It took almost 3 years...I didn't know he was married for the first year...And we have been through alot...Of happiness, joy pain, hurt and loneliness...And mine treated me VERY well...Because I made him...and I followed through on what I said...

 

But YOU have to know he's the one you want, too...

 

Do you want him forever? Or just for now?

[GypsyGirl]

She doesn't cook, clean or give up the sex....lol...that just says toooo much.

 

I'd run from that freak. If you do get him, you'll know exactly what your status in life will be.

 

Eh, doesn't bother me so much. I'm very domestic and he figured that out quickly. She's never been that way, and he doesn't really expect her to be -- but I know he loves that about me and it makes him think about what he doesn't have.

 

I know, I know--he's not thinking and wishing enough to leave her.

 

As for the sex, he says he's been the one turning her down all this time. I dunno.

 

I'm not refuting what anyone is telling me--please keep the responses coming! Just trying to shed more light on the situation as I get replies.

[GypsyGirl]

Do you want him forever? Or just for now?

 

 

Forever, unfortunately. If he wasn't married, this would be a great thing -- the greatest love of my life, definitely. Yes, I know he's a cheater, but he's wonderful. I know that some of you realize the two can coexist.

 

And yes, I want him to love me more than he loves his dog--but I love my dog more than I love him.

 

I am, for the most part, very strong in this relationship and tell him what I want and how I expect to be treated--and I get what I ask for. Except for the big thing. Which I haven't asked for outright, but I've asked to know that he's at least on that path.

[bentnotbroken]

<sigh> The twist here is that the family knows he and I are having a relationship. We don't flaunt it, but we didn't hide it. They warned me to be very careful but otherwise didn't give me strong opinions--probably because they know that the strong opinions/advice they gave me in my last relationship got me nowhere. Weird, I know, but it's true.

 

 

Interesting family.

[bentnotbroken]

Rule #1: Don't date someone you work with

Rule #2: Especially if your dad is his boss...

Rule #3: And if the person is married...

 

 

 

What is he unhappy about? You just said yourself there's no problem in his marriage...

 

 

 

While it's great this man got you to remove yourself from a bad R and a bad living space, he seems a bit possessive--don't ya think?

 

Rule #4: Don't date a man who thinks he owns you.

 

 

 

Yeah REAL great! Has no real problem with his marriage--except maybe he has no control over his wife, so he is using you as his source of control.

 

Sure, your family Loves him--but do they know he's f'king their single, recently separated daughter? Let's see how much they Love him when they find this one out.

 

Treats you like Gold?

 

 

 

It probably is, because you're the first girl he's found that he can control and manipulate; or he's lying about that, and frequently dates the boss' daughter...

 

 

 

Well when you Originally described it to us, it seemed to be perfectly fine to me--except his W doesn't have much time for him because she works...

 

 

 

So Brad and Jen...

 

 

 

Could very well be the problem but, I'm sure she has Always been the way she is. He married the working woman who doesn't cook or clean--which I find hard to believe. I guess he's trying to say he does it All...

 

 

 

RED Flag Alert

 

 

 

What does he owe her? He claims she doesn't clean, doesn't cook, and doesn't bang him--so what does he owe her???

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, what a Charming man.

 

 

 

Then walk away. YOU have that ability. Walk away...

 

 

 

If he Loved you--or even himself, he wouldn't be hurting you like this. He's let go, and find a New job.

 

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but really--c'mon hun! He has given you So many reasons why he won't leave his wife--even using his Dog as a reason. That's as lame as a 4th grader telling the teacher his dog ate his homework...

 

My advice? Run as fast as you can. Because let me tell you something--as soon as your family finds out, you can bet daddy won't be happy. You can also bet that daddy will probably fire this MM. That's my assumption--I don't know how your family handles this stuff, but this is how it would go in my family if my parents were his boss.

 

This guy has taken you from a rebound and has already broken your heart even more.

 

Rule #5: Recover from one R before moving on to the next--especially if the next begins with lies.

 

Best of Luck to you

 

 

 

Damn Gwen, I agree with most of this, scary. Really scary:lmao:

[Gwyneth]

Damn Gwen, I agree with most of this, scary. Really scary:lmao:

 

 

I learn from the best

 

But remember--I didn't go into this affair thinking "oh, he's gonna fall in love with me, leave his W, and marry me, and we'll live happily ever after." Nope...I knew better than than...partially

 

GypsyGirl has gone into this affair breaking rules--he loves me, he will leave her under "terms of getting caught and having no choice," and her family accepts it--or they're just biting their tongues.

 

[Gwyneth]

Thanks for that!

 

You truly are a strong Jersey Girl

 

Now use the strongness toward this MM and dump him like today's trash

[GypsyGirl]

Hahahaha ... I'm one of those women who is strong except when it comes to matters of the heart. Then I'm a weak idiot.

 

But I will say that reading these boards--and I do, often--makes me really, really mad and suspicious. I don't know if I'll kick him to the curb asap, but my eyes are opening wider to the realities of this situation every day.

[Gwyneth]

Hahahaha ... I'm one of those women who is strong except when it comes to matters of the heart. Then I'm a weak idiot.

 

But I will say that reading these boards--and I do, often--makes me really, really mad and suspicious. I don't know if I'll kick him to the curb asap, but my eyes are opening wider to the realities of this situation every day.

 

Well Good for YOU

[whichwayisup]

One other thing--he says this is the first time he's cheated on her, and for the time being I believe him.

 

Okay, this guy has lied to wife, betrayed her by cheating with you. Please don't fool yourself into believing that every word he says to you is the truth. He will bend it to fit him and put himself in the better light, not malciously, but selfishly. And, he knows how to push your buttons, so you won't really doubt him.

 

Great post by Gwyn, so listen to what she is telling you as well as everyone else.

 

Hope you can detach from him, get him out of your daily life as much as you can and end it with him when you feel ready.