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Is there ever a time when it's OK....


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To tell the wife about the affair? I have been in an affair for about 3 years now (2 years as an EA, 1 year in full blown PA). I ended it a few months ago. I have been lurking and reading the posts and I keep reading about how the OW should not tell the BS. Do you think that there is EVER a time that the OW should say something? I know that I have gone back in forth in my mind as thinking why I should and shouldn't - and ultimately will not do it, but is there ever a justifiable reason to tell?

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PinkKittyKat

I agree with sameold.... if the situation were reversed wouldn't you want to know?

 

Be prepared for her to disbelieve though. Many spouses have an idea, but refuse to see it. Make sure you have text messages, or emails or something.

Otherwise the MM could just explain you away as some crazy ex-gf or stalker that he has nothing to do with. I've seen it happen.

 

Good luck, and let us know what you decide?

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precious1357

What does it mean when the spouse knows about the OW/OM and does absolutely nothing? Goes on with life as if nothing is going on.

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To tell the wife about the affair? I have been in an affair for about 3 years now (2 years as an EA, 1 year in full blown PA). I ended it a few months ago. I have been lurking and reading the posts and I keep reading about how the OW should not tell the BS. Do you think that there is EVER a time that the OW should say something? I know that I have gone back in forth in my mind as thinking why I should and shouldn't - and ultimately will not do it, but is there ever a justifiable reason to tell?

 

What are your motivations here? If it is spite toward the MM, then please don't do it. I don't know why he had the A or what his current mindset is. But if he feels he made a mistake and is trying to fix his M, then leave it alone.

 

I have wrestled with whether to tell the husband of my H's former OW. I've come to the conclusion that as much as I try to dress it up, it would really be for revenge and I don't want to be personally responsible for making another human being go through what I had to. Doing something that you KNOW will hurt an innocent person can't be justified in my mind.

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whichwayisup

Thoughts of telling never occured to when your affair was going strong and everything was good, so why would you want to tell now? To make MM suffer? Or hope that his wife would be completely devastated that she would kick him out and then he'd come crawling back to you?

 

Best revenge is to live your life and never look back.

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PinkKittyKat

I think even if it does feel like revenge or anything it should be done. Why the person is telling makes no difference to me.

You were in the relationship knowing he had a wife, correct? You had all the cards. You could choose to stay, or to go, based on his behaviour.

 

The W may have no clue. She hasn't been given that choice to stay or to go based on his behaviour.

 

I know that on LS there is a huge following against telling the W, but if it were me, I'd want to know. I would want proof, of course, but I would want to know what a scoundrel my H was.

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whichwayisup

The OW didn't give a crap about MM's wife before the A and during the A, so for her to want to spill it to the wife AFTER the A is just out of pure revenge. If she cared so much that the wife should know, then she should have never entered the affair and told the wife RIGHT away that the husband was hitting on her.

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Thoughts of telling never occured to when your affair was going strong and everything was good, so why would you want to tell now? To make MM suffer? Or hope that his wife would be completely devastated that she would kick him out and then he'd come crawling back to you?

 

Best revenge is to live your life and never look back.

 

While this is a good point, maybe the OP here realizes how much pain and hurt she has caused--which is why she is considering telling the BS.

 

Well, I'm back and forth with this one. I always recommend asking the cheater to come clean first. If he or she refuses, then you can make an adult decision on your own, but don't expect a goody bag when you are finished telling him or her all the dirty details of your affair. Also expect the BS to blame you, beome out of line, cry, or whatever because you are loading that person with a Lot at that very moment you tell them.

 

I would want to know--I don't care who tells me; I would just want to know. So if you yourself would want to know--no matter whom it is that tells you, then you do the same for this woman.

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It's not a matter of revenge. I have just been having an overwhelming sense of guilt and want to apologize for the choices that I made. Yes, I did know he was married. Yes, I made a poor decision to get involved with him. Yes, I did feel guilty while doing it. The guilt is what made me decide to end the relationship. I know that my telling will hurt everyone involved, including me. And I also know that I wouldn't take him back even if he came begging and pleading to come back to me. I have no desire to be in that situation. I just know that I personally would want to know if my H had done something like this to me. (I am not married btw.)

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I don't know why he had the A or what his current mindset is. But if he feels he made a mistake and is trying to fix his M, then leave it alone.

 

It is possible that he is trying to fix his M, but I doubt it. I do know that he does not feel he made a mistake and I know if I had not broken it off, we would still be in the same situation.

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whichwayisup

It isn't up to you to decide to tell her. I understand you feel bad and guilty, especially now that the A is over, but you did know he was married and you did make the choice to have the affair. For 3 years. The consquence of your part and action in the affair is dealing with your own feelings about it when it ends and it's unfair of you to tell so you can feel less guilt. It's totally self serving and not really for his wife. If you feel as bad as you do, then make your life better now. Seek counselling to help you get over the feelings, but please, don't go telling just to make you feel better.

 

Do they have children? If so, you have to think of them as well.

 

It's up to him to decide if he wants to tell.

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bentnotbroken
What does it mean when the spouse knows about the OW/OM and does absolutely nothing? Goes on with life as if nothing is going on.

 

 

 

It's not your call what the person does. They are after all the ones married. Whatever the bs feels they need to do, is based on any number of things that you cannot understand because you aren't in their shoes.

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mistresswchildren
What does it mean when the spouse knows about the OW/OM and does absolutely nothing? Goes on with life as if nothing is going on.

 

I'm in that situation. If it weren't for the fact that we have two kids together, the W would never believe that he cheated. It is called denial. We all do it. The OW does it in her own way. We believe that the MM can be faithful to us because our situation is different, so what is the difference? What actually happens when she doesn't believe it is that she begins to hate and resent the person that told her what she thinks is a lie. She will begin to distrust her H in many ways, but never enough to believe what someone else is saying. Even when I was pregnant with my second child, the MM was able to pass it off by saying "How do you know she is pregnant?" It is technically her right to live life as if nothing had happened. If she is comfortable with that, then there is nothing that anyone can do to change her mind. She has to come to the realization on her own.

I always thought in the back of my head that if the situation were reversed, would I want to know? The answer is yes, but not every one has the same thought process on that. I think that the W has a right to know, but if you receive harassment and an angry message telling you that you are lying, do not be surprised. Again, she will come to her own conclusions.

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Do they have children? If so, you have to think of them as well.

 

 

He has two teenagers (18 and 16) from a previous M. She has been stepmom to them for 10 years. They are essentially what has kept me from saying or doing anything at this point. I would not want to hurt the relationship he has with them.

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whichwayisup
They are essentially what has kept me from saying or doing anything at this point. I would not want to hurt the relationship he has with them.

 

Then don't tell. It isn't fair to them. Also, if you DO end up telling, you might regret it as you'll be dealing with a huge drama, reaction, not only from his wife but possibly his children. Could imagine having to talk to one of them, let alone both and his wife?

 

Do yourself a favour and just let it go, forgive yourself, make your own closure and go on with your life. Leave exMM in the past. If you don't, you will be creating MORE crap to deal with for a long time, let alone possibly some regret and even more guilt.

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Thoughts of telling never occured to when your affair was going strong and everything was good, so why would you want to tell now? To make MM suffer? Or hope that his wife would be completely devastated that she would kick him out and then he'd come crawling back to you?

 

Best revenge is to live your life and never look back.

Thats not always true, I thought about telling even when things where great. Whats your op when after several d days, he continues on, things are great, would it be right then?
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It's not a matter of revenge. I have just been having an overwhelming sense of guilt and want to apologize for the choices that I made
You don't need to apologise. She doesn't need to know... and when and if she does need to know, it is not your place to tell her. The guilt you feel is yours and yours alone, it is not for you to try to salve your conscience or assuage your guilt by telling the BS. That is not fair on her.

 

Something else you might want to think about too. This kind of information is not just 'telling someone'. It is potentially world-life-changing information. As soon as that information is out there, no matter whether in denial or not, it can never be taken back. NEVER. You not only have impacted your life (which you're dealing with) but you're going to affect and impact others' lives and they don't deserve having that bomb landing on them. Trust me, in the last 5 years I've gone through 3 major traumatic events, one losing a partner and it changes EVERYTHING... sometimes for the worst... all simply so you can apologise and feel better. You'd be better advised to see a counsellor and leave the telling the spouse to the crappy husband (if he never tells her, and she never really finds out, that's not your problem to obsess over).

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You don't need to apologise. She doesn't need to know... and when and if she does need to know, it is not your place to tell her. The guilt you feel is yours and yours alone, it is not for you to try to salve your conscience or assuage your guilt by telling the BS. That is not fair on her.

 

Something else you might want to think about too. This kind of information is not just 'telling someone'. It is potentially world-life-changing information. As soon as that information is out there, no matter whether in denial or not, it can never be taken back. NEVER. You not only have impacted your life (which you're dealing with) but you're going to affect and impact others' lives and they don't deserve having that bomb landing on them. Trust me, in the last 5 years I've gone through 3 major traumatic events, one losing a partner and it changes EVERYTHING... sometimes for the worst... all simply so you can apologise and feel better. You'd be better advised to see a counsellor and leave the telling the spouse to the crappy husband (if he never tells her, and she never really finds out, that's not your problem to obsess over).

So what your saying is let her keep believing the lie, just so she is comfy ?hmmmm
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So what your saying is let her keep believing the lie, just so she is comfy ?hmmmm
It's that simple isn't it...?!! I'm saying it isn't her responsibility. It's the husband's responsibility... whether he tells the wife or not, is none of her business and telling the wife only serves to hurt the wife and assuage the OPs guilt. Sorry but I don't buy the stuff about 'I'd rather know'. I have been in the situation and I've got plenty of friends who are living in poverty because a marital home was split and assets divided and time and again my friends say they wish they never knew. Causing all that upheaval isn't worth it. It affects everything. Not just at the time either, but moving on for years afterwards. I'm not saying the wife needs to live in lies but it is not the OW's responsibility. It is the responsibility of the low-life H to grow a backbone and own up to what he's done to their marriage. THEIR marriage. I know for a fact when I found out, I did not thank the person one moment and I would rather my ex told me. He never has and he never will because he's a coward and he allowed it to wreck everything.
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whichwayisup
Thats not always true, I thought about telling even when things where great. Whats your op when after several d days, he continues on, things are great, would it be right then?

 

With lots of d-days and the married person going back and forth and the BS knows about the A, then yeah, guess it depends on the circumstances - Like Stampdaddy's situation. But in this particular situation, her telling is wrong.

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Oh also something else I was just thinking about in addition to the above, I guess I should mention, I'm only 10 months from my split - so I recognise I'm probably still actually grieving for the loss of my relationship. That probably colours things for me and I do still have the 'I wish this never happened' days. But that's what I meant when I said, once it's said.. it can't be taken back. Just thought I should probably mention this. If I'm truly honest, I guess I'm not 100% sure I wouldn't have wanted to know, it's just seeing and feeling the devastation it caused me... I know I would have preferred it to come from my ex.

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This kind of information is not just 'telling someone'. It is potentially world-life-changing information. As soon as that information is out there, no matter whether in denial or not, it can never be taken back. NEVER. You not only have impacted your life (which you're dealing with) but you're going to affect and impact others' lives and they don't deserve having that bomb landing on them.

 

I understand that it is world-life-changing information. And I understand that MY guilt should not be the reason to do it. But, shouldn't she have all the information available to her (whether it comes from me or him) to make a decision on where she wants to go from here? Regardless of the source, it will still destroy the life she is living. But in reality her life as she know it has been destroyed anyway - just without her knowledge.

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whichwayisup
. And I understand that MY guilt should not be the reason to do it. But, shouldn't she have all the information available to her (whether it comes from me or him) to make a decision on where she wants to go from here?

 

It isn't up to you to decide that. He is married to her, not you. Please, stay out of their marriage, heal yourself and move on.

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I understand that it is world-life-changing information. And I understand that MY guilt should not be the reason to do it. But, shouldn't she have all the information available to her (whether it comes from me or him) to make a decision on where she wants to go from here? Regardless of the source, it will still destroy the life she is living. But in reality her life as she know it has been destroyed anyway - just without her knowledge.
I still don't agree that it's your place to do this. I'm sorry. I'm trying to understand what you say but it still feels to me like you're simply trying to justify yourself for doing it. That's not what it is about. Of course it matters who the information comes from. If her H owns up to what happens, that in part is in some small way easier to bear than someone else telling the BS. Lying in addition to cheating is what the issue is here. It is not your business if he never tells her. That's his cross to bear, if he chooses to try to work on his marriage without her knowing. He knows her better than you do and to be fair, you only know about her... what he has told you. You need to stay out of it. I'm sorry.
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child_of_isis

I think it all boils down to if you would want to know yourself.

 

Look at it this way...if MM was truly trying to "fix" his M, then he would have already told W the whole low down. If he has told her the truth, then how can you hurt her?

 

 

 

 

It's not a matter of revenge. I have just been having an overwhelming sense of guilt and want to apologize for the choices that I made. Yes, I did know he was married. Yes, I made a poor decision to get involved with him. Yes, I did feel guilty while doing it. The guilt is what made me decide to end the relationship. I know that my telling will hurt everyone involved, including me. And I also know that I wouldn't take him back even if he came begging and pleading to come back to me. I have no desire to be in that situation. I just know that I personally would want to know if my H had done something like this to me. (I am not married btw.)
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