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Vows Renewed


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precious1357

Hello,

 

Its been awhile since I've posted but this morning my heart is heavy. The church had a mass vow renewal for all married couples (man/woman). When I saw that the program was beginning I moved to the back of the auditorium closer to the doors to leave, MM stood with the group and renewed their vows and gave his wife a rose. I've never experienced the pain in my heart as I did yesterday. He called me in the afternoon and after brief chit chat, I told him (screamed) how I felt about what he did. His only reply was "are you finished". He doesn't realize how I felt at all...but I should have known better from the beginning....it was just all lies....

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mistresswchildren

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you can heal. At least you have your faith. Maybe you should start going to a different church. At least then you wouldn't have to have their relationship rubbed in your face. Also, you may then be able to concentrate on your faith and not on him. Keep your head up and stay strong. I wish that there was something more comforting that I could say.

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Funny, that's how my stbx thought we could 'fix' what she's done. I laughed when she suggested that. It was a lie the first time, so how is another lie going to erase everything?

 

Sounds like compounding the lies, not renewing the vows. :sick:

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precious1357
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you can heal. At least you have your faith. Maybe you should start going to a different church. At least then you wouldn't have to have their relationship rubbed in your face. Also, you may then be able to concentrate on your faith and not on him. Keep your head up and stay strong. I wish that there was something more comforting that I could say.

 

Thanks so much, I can't seem to stop crying, we had plans (lies). I want to go to a different church, however, my sons very attached to their friends (teenagers). My plan had been to leave in 22 months (son will be away at college). We have been their for almost 20 years plus there is a lady who relies on me to bring her...I'm going to change something...if I can just get through this day, I know tomorrow will be a little easier...its hurts so much because I'm not young...I was a fool.

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mistresswchildren

Young or "old" what hurts still hurts. We all feel like fools sometimes. You will make it through this day. Every day that passes will take away a little bit of the pain. It is just a horrible thing that people in this world treat each other the way that they do. It's the lying that hurts the most. You trust someone with your heart, and then they show you that they aren't worthy of that trust. I am just hoping that you have been given some closure through all of this. I am still waiting for closure after three years. With closure, you are able to move on. With closure, you are able to look towards a future. Remember that you have one. You are not as "old" as you think. You are still very capable of having a fulfilling life. Your son is going off to school. The world is now your oyster. Enjoy the time you have. Feel good about yourself. Life is too short to waste your time on someone that makes you feel like sh**! Learn to smile because your life may have just gotten better. :)

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precious1357

misw:

thanks so much. I have friends I CANNOT talk to at all...but you are truly being a blessing to me today and for that I say thank you and may God keep you and keep blessing with words of encouragement. I believe your words...i just want to be happy, i never wanted to hurt anyone...

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Lookingforward

Precious I'm so sorry for what you went through - that must have ripped your heart out. Are you still in the A with MM ? His wife knows about you doesn't she?

 

I guess for him it was a rock and a hard place, but I fail to see how his W would really believe anything he said, and the renewing vows in their situation is just sick imo.

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whichwayisup

He is an idiot and a selfish man who isn't worthy of your time, your energy nor your love.

I know you're in pain and I do hope you choose to walk away and heal yourself.

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precious1357
Precious I'm so sorry for what you went through - that must have ripped your heart out. Are you still in the A with MM ? His wife knows about you doesn't she?

 

I guess for him it was a rock and a hard place, but I fail to see how his W would really believe anything he said, and the renewing vows in their situation is just sick imo.

 

Thanks, actually I feel pain in my heart/chest and I can't seem to stop crying. all this happened within the last 24 hours...I haven't heard from him at all today...yes, his wife knows about the situation, she has threatened me.

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precious1357
And did you say, "Actually yes I am. Goodbye..."

 

Which: Yep, I replied, yes I am..but I'm hurting because you know what, I really love him and I believe he loves me but he's stuck...he is a pleaser, he wants to please everyone, his mom, his 40 year old sons and everyone else.

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Lookingforward
Thanks, actually I feel pain in my heart/chest and I can't seem to stop crying. all this happened within the last 24 hours...I haven't heard from him at all today...yes, his wife knows about the situation, she has threatened me.

 

Do you think this was his cowardly way of telling you it's over between you? He seems to think more of her feelings than yours, which kind of says it all really. You said he called you afterwards, what was that supposed to accomplish? I take it from what you posted he never even apologised for not forewarning you.

 

I know it's hard, but if the man is this unfeeling and selfish, you need to move on, no good will come of it as you can see now it's all about him and what he wants.

 

Finding a different church would be a blessing, can your son not still attend that church while you find another? You can't go on this way seeing them together, knowing it's all lies, on both sides.

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precious1357

Lookingforward:

 

Probably so, I knew the program was going to take place but I had planned to be out before it started. He never said he would or would not participate...When he called, he did not say a thing about the vow renewal, I started it and he knew when he called I was upset but he has a way of feeling things out...he's not a kid and he knows his stuff...I told him he was selfish and he stayed quiet...as far as a different church, no not yet but soon...I figure its part of my punishment..."...you reap what you sow" I sowed into sin now I have to deal with the punishment and that punishment is seeing him at church for awhile...

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LakesideDream

I feel so bad for you. I completely understand why you cried all night. It was beyond callous for him to do that, with you in the hall, knowing what it would do to you.

 

If he didn't realize what it would do to you, it's just as bad. I'm with most of the posters here. I would never set foot in that Church again. If I had to get up and take your elder friend there, and pick her up when services were over that's what I would do.

 

Easily the saddest post of the month, I'm sorry you had to suffer it.

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precious1357

Lakeside:

If you only knew how much i don't want to go back..oh my God, but at this point, its about my kids too, and I have to hold on...yesterday, my son was sitting in the car with me and I was trying to hide my tears, he asked "mom, what's wrong?" I didn't want him to be sad or feel bad so I just said I have a cold...we mothers do that sometimes... plus the elderly lady is sweet and in her 90s. I can't just stop taking her, she would take the bus but I believe for me its what I have to reap...I believe he has feelings too and just maybe...his heart may sink a little when he sees me...but he is such an actor at times...who knows...thanks everyone, I'm still crying but my spirits are little lifted...

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Hello,

 

Its been awhile since I've posted but this morning my heart is heavy. The church had a mass vow renewal for all married couples (man/woman). When I saw that the program was beginning I moved to the back of the auditorium closer to the doors to leave, MM stood with the group and renewed their vows and gave his wife a rose. I've never experienced the pain in my heart as I did yesterday. He called me in the afternoon and after brief chit chat, I told him (screamed) how I felt about what he did. His only reply was "are you finished". He doesn't realize how I felt at all...but I should have known better from the beginning....it was just all lies....

 

I'm sorry for your pain :( It amazes me that he renews his vows, then calls you in the afternoon. Great start to a renewed marriage.

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precious1357

Gwyneth:

 

Tell me about it, I think the call was his way of "reassuring" me..hahaha but the damage was done...if I could just get this pain out of my heart...but you know what, he has deal with his own "reality/phonyness"..

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This is why you have to break off ANY contact with him...for life.

 

Can you talk with your son, see if he'd be willing to let you drop him off and go to another church, then pick him up? Does he know about the "situation"? Is he old enough/mature enough to understand if you explained it to him and be willing to help you work through this the right way?

 

What would have happened if MM DID leave his wife and was with you now...the two of you couldn't have continued at the same church anyway, right?

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I agree with Owl. Precious I hope you can find the strength to walk away from this man. Don't let him continue to hurt you like that, and don't let him decide when and how to let you know the affair is over.

 

I don't understand how he's a people pleaser but all he said after you screamed and were upset was "are you finished?" Honestly it sounds like he likes to please everyone else BUT you. Please get out. Walk away with dignity so he knows he can't throw you around like that anymore. It is just plain wrong. He at *least* should have warned you that he would do that. Like a coward, he was probably hoping you weren't going to be there.

 

Please see him for the man that he is: selfish, cowardly, deceptive. Then tell me why you love this man?? What is it that he gives you that a single man could give you and much more? Precious you deserve much better than this man.

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Je Ne Regrette Rien

Precious, you have more strength than me. If MM had done that, he wouldn't be walking back down that aisle - without crutches anyway.

 

What an unbelievably cowardly thing to do. And to call you in the afternoon? I don't know how you had the strength to pick up the phone.

 

Now that you know you have strength, use it. Don't respond to him. Don't allow him to hurt you anymore. Use all of your strength to move on with your life. The sham of renewed vows will never see the test of time with someone who could be so selfish.

 

Look after yourself...((hugs))

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precious1357
This is why you have to break off ANY contact with him...for life.

 

Can you talk with your son, see if he'd be willing to let you drop him off and go to another church, then pick him up? Does he know about the "situation"? Is he old enough/mature enough to understand if you explained it to him and be willing to help you work through this the right way?

 

What would have happened if MM DID leave his wife and was with you now...the two of you couldn't have continued at the same church anyway, right?

 

 

Owl,

First, let me say, thanks! If you and the rest only knew how much your helping me by allowing me to vent and then replying. Thanks. I have 3 sons, all over the age 16 and we are very close, the love my children give me is unbelievable. In fact, now that I think about it, my oldest son 29 called after I returned from church to see "how I was doing and if I needed anything". My youngest son may have called him. None of them know about the situation. They know of him (thru church) and fellowships. My sons would be willing to do whatever and go wherever I wanted but I have never jumbled up their lives for the sake of my happiness. Stability has been a major part of my children's development. I did not mix up their schooling, nor after their father's death did I bring different men around them. Its a sacrifice but so far it has worked. They are not "perfect" but they are good (honor) students and a great young men...its a sacrifice I have to make for the next 22 months.

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precious1357

Nadia:

First, let me say, I'm in my mid 50s and lonely. Single men??? Where??? Decent men??? Where??? I love him because he is caring in his way...he's consistent, something I have never had and he at least "acts" concerned for me, at least he did once....

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precious1357
Precious, you have more strength than me. If MM had done that, he wouldn't be walking back down that aisle - without crutches anyway.

 

What an unbelievably cowardly thing to do. And to call you in the afternoon? I don't know how you had the strength to pick up the phone.

 

Now that you know you have strength, use it. Don't respond to him. Don't allow him to hurt you anymore. Use all of your strength to move on with your life. The sham of renewed vows will never see the test of time with someone who could be so selfish.

 

Look after yourself...((hugs))

 

J:

 

I picked up the phone hoping he would just burst out with explanations or something..I don't have a lot of strength because loneliness has a way of depleting my strength...as far as the "sham of renewed vows", they have been married for more than 35 years and I was told they have not had any physical (sex) relationship for at 10 AND GET THIS....he never ever cheated before... and I believed it...why...because his wife is they type of person who says things like "sex is not edifying to God and that is not what God had in mind for all people", she says things like that...I've heard her...

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Owl,

First, let me say, thanks! If you and the rest only knew how much your helping me by allowing me to vent and then replying. Thanks. I have 3 sons, all over the age 16 and we are very close, the love my children give me is unbelievable. In fact, now that I think about it, my oldest son 29 called after I returned from church to see "how I was doing and if I needed anything". My youngest son may have called him. None of them know about the situation. They know of him (thru church) and fellowships. My sons would be willing to do whatever and go wherever I wanted but I have never jumbled up their lives for the sake of my happiness. Stability has been a major part of my children's development. I did not mix up their schooling, nor after their father's death did I bring different men around them. Its a sacrifice but so far it has worked. They are not "perfect" but they are good (honor) students and a great young men...its a sacrifice I have to make for the next 22 months.

 

Does it occur to you that your sons are ALREADY dealing with aspects of this? If your youngest sensed your hurt, and it was serious enough that he called the oldest...this is a clear indication that this is ALREADY impacting their lives.

 

Wouldn't it make more sense to have a happy, healthy mom who wasn't stressed out over continued contact rather than missing out on a weekly opportunity to sit in church with their friends? Or again...be dropped off by mom who went to another church so that she could be healthy, and happy, and whole?

 

A healthy mom would be the BEST POSSIBLE bit of stability they could have in their lives, IMHO. Having one who's in emotional turmoil and unable to heal because she was sacrificing for them to see friends once a week isn't the best option I see here.

 

I say get the secret out in the open if they're mature enough to handle it and help you heal. Let them learn from your mistake...let them be young men who can help you heal.

 

Give them back a healthy, happy, whole mom.

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