1st Time With MM

[PrincessBOT]

I have always said that I would never be with a MM. I've kept to it, but after my break up 9 months I ago I took to abstinence. Remaining abstinent became harder and harder, but I remained.

 

Recently I'd being hanging out with a married associate and we became intimate. I have know him for over 1 1/2 and it has been so long since I have found someone that I have the slightest romantic interest in. I have always been attracted to him, and he to me, but in my mind he was off limits because he is married.

 

I feel sexually relieved because I was going crazy with remaining abstinent. To be totally honest if I didn't want it to happen it wouldn't have, but now I don't know what to expect.

 

I've never done it before and I don't know if I pretend it never happened, do I wait for him to contact me?

 

I am all over the place, but I am really just looking for some insight for a 1st time OW (am I a OW does it have to be ongoing to be the OW?)

[Never_Again]

I have always said that I would never be with a MM. I've kept to it, but after my break up 9 months I ago I took to abstinence. Remaining abstinent became harder and harder, but I remained.

 

Recently I'd being hanging out with a married associate and we became intimate. I have know him for over 1 1/2 and it has been so long since I have found someone that I have the slightest romantic interest in. I have always been attracted to him, and he to me, but in my mind he was off limits because he is married.

 

I feel sexually relieved because I was going crazy with remaining abstinent. To be totally honest if I didn't want it to happen it wouldn't have, but now I don't know what to expect.

 

I've never done it before and I don't know if I pretend it never happened, do I wait for him to contact me?

 

I am all over the place, but I am really just looking for some insight for a 1st time OW (am I a OW does it have to be ongoing to be the OW?)

 

 

Oh dear God.... please don't ever talk to this man again or you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.

 

I wish to God every day that I would have never let it cross that line until I SAW divorce papers. Please please please please just stop. I promise you... it will only suck your soul and shatter your heart and quite possibly ruin you for any potential good, honest, real relationships in the future. Please... I am really just trying to help you. I wish I would have listened to the people on here long before I finally walked away... I wish I would have listened the first time I came on here and saw how TYPICAL he was. UGGGGHHHH!!!!!

[Lizzie60]

I have always said that I would never be with a MM. I've kept to it, but after my break up 9 months I ago I took to abstinence. Remaining abstinent became harder and harder, but I remained.

 

Recently I'd being hanging out with a married associate and we became intimate. I have know him for over 1 1/2 and it has been so long since I have found someone that I have the slightest romantic interest in. I have always been attracted to him, and he to me, but in my mind he was off limits because he is married.

 

I feel sexually relieved because I was going crazy with remaining abstinent. To be totally honest if I didn't want it to happen it wouldn't have, but now I don't know what to expect.

 

I've never done it before and I don't know if I pretend it never happened, do I wait for him to contact me?

 

I am all over the place, but I am really just looking for some insight for a 1st time OW (am I a OW does it have to be ongoing to be the OW?)

 

If you become attached to this man, chances are that you'll be hurt. Do not contact him.. just wait and see..

 

He's probably just a player.. like most of them.. be careful.. protect your heart...

[mistresswchildren]

I agree with Never Again. If I could go back in time, I would. I realize that we all do what we want in this life, thinking: "He's different." "We are different." "He really cares about me." None of it is true. I convinced myself over and over again that these things were true, but all I got out of it was heartache. I am certain that there is someone else out there for you that can give to you in the same way that you give to them. If you choose to go down the path with the MM, please be careful. I just pray that you will not let yourself get sucked in to a never ending chain of lies.

Remember, you are worth way more than any man that you have to share can give you.

[norajane]

To be totally honest if I didn't want it to happen it wouldn't have, but now I don't know what to expect.

What to expect? YOU are in control of what happens next. It's not like you are just a leaf blowing in whatever direction the breeze takes you. YOU are making the choices, so what will happen next is what YOU CHOOSE to happen.

 

My recommendation would be to tell him that it was a mistake, and you will not be having sex with him again. If by "associate" you mean work colleague or contact, tell him you will distance yourself from him at work, except for any required work interaction. If you mean acquaintance, it should be very easy to cut off contact with him and thereby end things.

 

Of course, that is if YOU CHOOSE not to continue down the path you have already chosen to step onto.

 

If you need sexual release, there's masturbation and plenty of single men out there who would be more than happy to have sex without strings. If you want a relationship, married is not the way to go unless you want a guaranteed anxiety filled relationship (especially when you are home alone and he is at home with his wife), and a broken heart at the end.

[Classy Lady]

My advice to you is to stop while your ahead. If you read the threads here 9 out of 10 OW heve wished they never had gone there. It is true, you start with its only for pleasure, then comes he treats me good, then he loves me, an then....when will leave the W...and before you realize you are so in love with this man, your heart is just hoping for his decision to leave her to be with you; that will NEVER come. I've been there, and it hurts like hell. So DON"T.....STOP....don't contact him again, you will only be setting yourself up for....suffering, pain, and loss. Go out there and find someone who is single and willing to give you all you deserve.....Be strong....be happy!

[PrincessBOT]

Thank you so much for your sharing your experience, insight and advice. I've thought about it and I am not opening my heart to him and I don't want anything from him in the way of a continued sex or relationship.

 

I am a little disappointed in myself, but I must admit I have been propositioned before by married men. I have always thought I would feel more disappointed and morally conflicted than I do.

 

Besides holding a religious belief of not committing adultery, which I have a question about, I always thought what goes around comes around. Somehow I figured that if I didn't do it to another woman then it be less likely to happen to me. Well, I am older and my outlook changed to see that no matter what women do 99.99 of men will stray. Women are not excluded as some fit into this category also. My point is that I see things differently now, I guess more realistic.

 

Another question if a married man has an affair with a single woman. Does the single woman commit adultery or just the married man?

Edited March 30, 2008 by PrincessBOT

[Lizzie60]

Thank you so much for your sharing your experience, insight and advice. I've thought about it and I am not opening my heart to him and I don't want anything from him in the way of a continued sex or relationship.

 

I am a little disappointed in myself, but I must admit I have been propositioned before by married men. I have always thought I would feel more disappointed and morally conflicted than I do.

 

Besides holding a religious belief of not committing adultery, which I have a question about, I always thought what goes around comes around. Somehow I figured that if I didn't do it to another woman then it be less likely to happen to me. Well, I am older and my outlook changed to see that no matter what women do 99.99 of men will stray. Women are not excluded as some fit into this category also. My point is that I see things differently now, I guess more realistic.

 

Another question if a married man has an affair with a single woman. Does the single woman commit adultery or just the married man?

 

How can a single woman commit adultery? She hasn't promise (make vows) anything to anyone.. she's free..

[norajane]

Another question if a married man has an affair with a single woman. Does the single woman commit adultery or just the married man?

The legal definition varies:

 

Although the definition of "adultery" differs in nearly every legal system, the common theme is sexual relations outside of marriage, in one form or another.

For example, New York defines an adulterer as a person who "engages in sexual intercourse with another person at a time when he has a living spouse, or the other person has a living spouse."[2] North Carolina defines adultery as when any man and woman "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed and cohabit together."[3] Minnesota defines adultery as: "when a married woman has sexual intercourse with a man other than her husband, whether married or not, both are guilty of adultery".[4]

The general definition:

 

Adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse (including oral sex) between a married person and one who is not his or her spouse. Some legal jurisdictions have defined it as "crime against marriage",[1] as opposed to infidelity.

Whatever the definition, you are participating in adultery.

[PrincessBOT]

How can a single woman commit adultery? She hasn't promise (make vows) anything to anyone.. she's free..

 

 

The legal definition varies:

 

The general definition:

 

Whatever the definition, you are participating in adultery.

 

Two different points of view. I can see both, although the single woman is not committing adultery ,because she never accepted any vows, she is participating with the person that is commiting adultery.

[PrincessBOT]

He called me this afternoon, but I didn't answer the phone. Actually the phone rejected his call. My phone is fickle, sometimes a call comes in and the phone literally says Rejected Info and sends the call to voice mail.

 

He left a message and although I was relieved that he called I did not and will not return his call. It is a dead end, all I see is a brick wall and I thank you all Never_ Again, Lizzie60, Mistresswchildren, Norajane and Classy Lady for helping take off the rose colored glasses to this situation. For a minute I was in lala land thinking this may be something to pursue for right now. But I know myself and I could not emotionally handle what I am seeing going on and what I know will most likely happen.

 

I do have to see him, but I won't continue what was started or even acknowledge it again and I don't plan to take his personal calls.

[carhill]

Semantics aside, any single blokes to hang out with? Or, they're just not as interesting? Most single guys I know are perfectly willing to satisfy a horny lady's "desires".

 

I must say, once I had a ring on my finger, women's interest in me changed 180 degrees. I didn't change at all, other than being married. I was still the same relatively shy, sensitive, nerdy guy. I was still friendly to women as I had been all my life. One 49.95 eBay ring changed everything

 

Edited to add...good on ya for seeing the realities...

Edited March 30, 2008 by carhill

[PrincessBOT]

Semantics aside, any single blokes to hang out with? Or, they're just not as interesting? Most single guys I know are perfectly willing to satisfy a horny lady's "desires".

 

I must say, once I had a ring on my finger, women's interest in me changed 180 degrees. I didn't change at all, other than being married. I was still the same relatively shy, sensitive, nerdy guy. I was still friendly to women as I had been all my life. One 49.95 eBay ring changed everything

 

Edited to add...good on ya for seeing the realities...

 

That is a very good question that I was asking myself. All the single men I know and I couldn't hook up with one of them. These single men would have probably walked on broken glass and ran through fire to be with me.

 

The problem is that I am not romantically interested in any of them. This guy is the type of guy that I would want as my partner, out side of his cheating.

 

Bottom line is I felt a connection to him a sort of chemistry that I denied and ran from for 1 1/2 years. I avoided him, stopped talking to him on the phone an distanced myself. After my break up 9 months ago I talked and dated other guys, but I just never got that connection or feeling of chemistry. It was not because of the MM because at that point I wasn't even thinking about him.

 

He comes back into the picture,rather I allowed him back in because I was so lonely. I was the type of lonely where others are around, but not on a level where there was chemistry between us. But with him I felt that connection again. He actually asked me why I fought against him so hard. I wanted to say duuuhhhh, because you are married, instead I just rolled over and went to sleep.

 

I am curious, what were women's interest in you before you had your ring and what was it like after?

[carhill]

Prior, I saw the "friend zone" a lot and had some relatively unhealthy intimate relationships, on my side due to not having substantial relationship skills and being a bit too sensitive for a typical male. This is oft-discussed here as "nice-guy" syndrome. I also had an EA (didn't know that term back in the 80's) with a married female friend who, much like you, I had fallen for.

 

After, obviously I got a bit "trained" by my wife, but I'm still pretty much the same, perhaps a bit more confident, but still prone to caretaking and talking about "girlie" topics with women. I just get the sense that more of them flirt with me now compared to prior. Not as many distant, cold stares. More smiles and engaging conversation, especially with ladies much younger, primarily when I fly (which I do for fun).

 

My advice to you, based on my old friend reappearing recently (due to my actions), would be to, mindful of your feelings, let the man go and deal with his marriage. If the marriage is bad and he has chemistry with you, it will still be there after he ends his marriage (if that happens). Since you crossed the line into PA, it's going to be tougher for you. Our (my friend's and my) feelings may not have been or are strictly platonic, but we've both kept the relationship such because, at least for me, I don't want to poison any opportunity which may exist in the future. After awhile, it's pretty easy to do. I remember the "friend zone" well We both have very similar personalities, so cooperate very well. No substantial frustrations. Have done multiple foursomes (dinners) with SO's

 

If you could hang with MM and his wife and be a friend, that's one thing. I doubt that would work for you. If other, NC and professional behavior at work would be my opinion.

[Lizzie60]

Two different points of view. I can see both, although the single woman is not committing adultery ,because she never accepted any vows, she is participating with the person that is commiting adultery.

 

Yes but your question was : Is she committing adultery..

 

The answer is NO...

[PrincessBOT]

Yes but your question was : Is she committing adultery..

 

The answer is NO...

 

 

I agree with that

[PrincessBOT]

He made sure to stop by and say hi at least 3 time this week. I was polite, but I acted as if it never happened. I don't know what he is thinking, but I just want to forget it (not that it wasn't good).

 

I still can't believe how unaffected I am by this whole thing. I just always thought I would have some moral break down if I ever let myself be with a MM. Then again I am in an emotionally numb state.

[TheRain]

I still can't believe how unaffected I am by this whole thing. I just always thought I would have some moral break down if I ever let myself be with a MM. Then again I am in an emotionally numb state.

 

Well, that's a sign of clear selfishness. It's all about your needs and you probably don't give a damn about his wife or his marriage.

[PrincessBOT]

Well, that's a sign of clear selfishness. It's all about your needs and you probably don't give a damn about his wife or his marriage.

 

It would seem that way if you haven't read my previous post where I stated:

 

"I am a little disappointed in myself, but I must admit I have been propositioned before by married men. I have always thought I would feel more disappointed and morally conflicted than I do.

 

Besides holding a religious belief of not committing adultery, which I have a question about, I always thought what goes around comes around. Somehow I figured that if I didn't do it to another woman then it be less likely to happen to me. "

 

As far as his wife I don't know her, he does and took vows to her and therefore I am not responsible to her. I am responsible to a higher power and that is what I focus on.

 

I never plan to let this happen again and didnt 't the first time, which is why I posted earlier in the thread that the MM asked me why I fought so hard against for 1 1/2 years? Actually I didn't fight him for 1 1/2 years I was just stronger for 1 1/2 years, but I had a weak moment. ****sigh***

[nymphetgrown]

I still can't believe how unaffected I am by this whole thing. I just always thought I would have some moral break down if I ever let myself be with a MM. Then again I am in an emotionally numb state.

 

Numbness is bad. Trust me on this one. I've been stuck in numb-land for months now, mostly wavering between contempt, pity, and depression. It's not a good place to go.

 

Numbness gives way to pain eventually. You will break down once the anesthetic of good sex wears off.

[used2saynvr]

if a married man has an affair with a single woman. Does the single woman commit adultery or just the married man?

 

as a fellow OW (ugh!! can't believe I wear this hat now), i feel that i did not commit adultery. The reason being is that I did not have a contract with this person (the wife)---legal, emotional, moral, or otherwise. He did. He entered into all these contracts with her. I don't even know her. I have never made such a commitment to anyone as I am single and nerver been married. However, this does not minimize my sin in God's eyes, I'm sure. I am guilty of being a participant in someone else's adultery. Without me (my participation) there would have been no adultery. So I am part of it.

 

Webster's defines adultery as such:

 

1.) voluntary sexual intercourse of a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

 

Anyway, this OW world is not a pleasant and satisfying place to be...that is, after the ego-stroking excitement wears off. You'll see. I wish you peace in your life during this time. It could be hard if you slip and fall for him emotionally now.

[PrincessBOT]

Numbness is bad. Trust me on this one. I've been stuck in numb-land for months now, mostly wavering between contempt, pity, and depression. It's not a good place to go.

 

Numbness gives way to pain eventually. You will break down once the anesthetic of good sex wears off.

 

I have been through all those emotions, contempt, pity, depression and numb seemed to be best. I am numb out of fear of being hurt, but I don't want to stay in this state. Now, sometimes excitement creeps in, but it's quickly extinquished so far.

 

Since think pain threw me into numbness, I am hoping I come out of it with joy and lasting excitement.

[nymphetgrown]

I have been through all those emotions, contempt, pity, depression and numb seemed to be best. I am numb out of fear of being hurt, but I don't want to stay in this state. Now, sometimes excitement creeps in, but it's quickly extinquished so far.

 

Since think pain threw me into numbness, I am hoping I come out of it with joy and lasting excitement.

 

Hate to rain on your parade, there, but it doesn't get any better.

 

Shall I tell you, then, of the man who kept using me as an emotional substitute for his live-in girlfriend, the one he never had the guts to leave? Would you like to add humiliation to your repertoire, for when the other woman finds out and gets angry, or would you prefer to leave it at betrayal, because you'll sacrifice anyone to keep what you want?

 

And that wasn't half as lurid as some of the stories you'll find around here.

 

Run. Now. Before it gets any worse.

[PrincessBOT]

as a fellow OW (ugh!! can't believe I wear this hat now), i feel that i did not commit adultery. The reason being is that I did not have a contract with this person (the wife)---legal, emotional, moral, or otherwise. He did. He entered into all these contracts with her. I don't even know her. I have never made such a commitment to anyone as I am single and nerver been married. However, this does not minimize my sin in God's eyes, I'm sure. I am guilty of being a participant in someone else's adultery. Without me (my participation) there would have been no adultery. So I am part of it.

 

Webster's defines adultery as such:

 

1.) voluntary sexual intercourse of a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

 

Anyway, this OW world is not a pleasant and satisfying place to be...that is, after the ego-stroking excitement wears off. You'll see. I wish you peace in your life during this time. It could be hard if you slip and fall for him emotionally now.

 

 

I know what you mean by being a participant and basically an enabler of adultery. I just wonder what forces make it so that we see past the numerous single prospects and fall into the arms of a married one.

 

As for falling for him, I don't plan to be around him enough to let that happen. Yes, I was attracted to him, but I have no deep feelings for him. I actally feel like I don't like him as a person for what he did to his wife and I am sure it's not the first time. This also means I don't like myself for what I did, but I won't let it happen again.

 

Thank you

[PrincessBOT]

Hate to rain on your parade, there, but it doesn't get any better.

 

Shall I tell you, then, of the man who kept using me as an emotional substitute for his live-in girlfriend, the one he never had the guts to leave? Would you like to add humiliation to your repertoire, for when the other woman finds out and gets angry, or would you prefer to leave it at betrayal, because you'll sacrifice anyone to keep what you want?

 

And that wasn't half as lurid as some of the stories you'll find around here.

 

Run. Now. Before it gets any worse.

 

Wow, once I was that live in girlfiend you mentioned. My boyfriend was cheating on me the entire time. I would find out leave, he'd promise the world and stars it wouldn't happen again. Eventually I found out he'd been using another woman for 1 1/2 years while were together. She knew about me, but was waiting for him to leave me, which she never realized wasn't going to happen.

 

I eventually moved out and broke things off after 4 years. Yes I was angry and felt betrayed, when it may have seemed that I was the one that should have stayed because he chose to be with me.

 

Thanks for your advice as I plan to put in action.