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Tricky situation as a sibling?


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HeavenScent

Just wondering...

 

If a sibling of yours was cheating on his/her H/W - what would you do?

 

If you had the opportunity to snoop (it's right there in the open for you to gather info) - would you? And what would you do with the proof/info?

 

Do you think you know the people around you very well?

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I've got 5 siblings. I've actually been in this position.

 

I told her that she needed to to tell her H up front what was going on. That she needed to either choose to work on her marriage, or divorce her H and THEN consider pursuing OM. But either way, she had to tell him the truth of what was happening in his marriage NOW.

 

I also gave her a timeline for telling her H the truth, or I'd sit down with him.

 

As I've said in the past...there is NO good reason to cheat. There are good reasons to divorce...but not to cheat.

 

BTW...she was NOT happy with me at first. But she is now. She's in the process of D'ing...and that's fine for several reasons. She's also no longer in contact with OM...who was a total jerk anyway.

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HeavenScent

Thank you for your reply.

 

It's my older brother. I don't know how to go about and at the same time, I feel I should mind my own business. My SiL is a nice woman but she has issues of her own. There is no reason to cheat, you're right but sometimes with the way some wives act, it's no surprise that their husbands cheat.

 

Anyway, it so happens that his Facebook was open on my Firefox. It was right on the inbox. He was done using my comp so I stepped in. He didn't close the page, I guess he must have forgotten it, I don't know. I know I shouldn't but I suspected that something was going on. Not too sure on an affair but I know he's been exchanging a lot of smses on his phone cos even when his wife was around, he'd be outside texting. So I browsed through, yes it was of me but I wanted to prove myself wrong... I didn't want to think that my brother is flirting with other women.... well..... he is. Not just one but a few.

 

The things that he told them.... half of it were lies..... I don't understand why....

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bentnotbroken

I have also been in this position. I told my brother to get his act together and tell his wife(who I love like a sister) or I would. I didn't have to tell her, our younger sister did. She was pissed at him and his actions. He and his wife are now divorced, as it turns out, she suspected and was preparing to leave. They are on good terms for their daughter, but I don't even lissten to my brother when he starts to complain about he messed up. Move on, that's over and she is happy. She still hangs out with us.

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Mrmojorisin

I would do what Owl did. But, first I would gather the proof. Next time you get to check his text messages forward them to your phone then delete the sent messages you forwarded. Install a keylogger program on your computer, that way you can get his password for his facebook. Confront him and give him a deadline to come clean with his wife or you will tell her. She has a right to know. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if you were in that situation?

My wife cheated on me. One of the things that really pissed me off, is there were people who knew who did not tell me. Everyone wants to mind their own business. But sitting back and letting someone get treated like that is just as selfish as the cheater is.

It does not matter what the wife does, there is never an excuse for cheating. If you are not happy with your marriage and you want to find someone else, get a divorce first. There are too many better options than cheating. Like marriage counseling. Or here is a crazy idea :rolleyes:, try talking to your spouse about what you think is wrong..

The point is his wife deserves to know. But you need to have proof before you tell her. Otherwise she will not want to believe you, unless she already suspects. If you don't have proof, he will just tell his wife that you are crazy and jealous of her..

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HeavenScent

Thank you Bentnotbroken and MrMojorisin.

 

I don't know if I would go to the extend of putting a keylogger on his laptop or mine. He rarely uses mine unless he comes over.

 

I didn't get the chance to save the messages sent on his Facebook and his I-Phone is practically glued to him. I was shocked to read the stuff he wrote to those women. Funny that to a few of them, he said they are married but some were told that he's separated.

 

My SiL travels often. Whenever she's in another country, my brother and kids would stay over. Sometimes, he'd be around but most of the time... he'd call us and let us know he's not coming back so that also made me suspicious.

 

Whenever they are together... they look so happy!!

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This is hard. I would tell my sibling if I knew, even a friend and any family member.

 

Similarly, my brother cheated on his ex-girlfriend who was Very good friends with our sister. That same sister's boyfriend caught our brother kissing the other girl at a club one night when they were all out (brother snuck to another part of the club knowing the girl was there) and told him he better tell his gf. My brother then went on to beg our sister's bf not to tell her, but of course my sister's boyfriend did tell her (and he did the right thing as far as I'm concerned). My sister then called our brother immediately and started arguing with him on the phone about it. Long story short--the girlfriend ended up finding out through another person and broke up with my brother. My sister (remember she was good friends with the gf) was angry with my brother for the longest time--almost ruined their relationship as they were very close. He is now engaged to the girl he cheated on the ex-gf with. Now he's going to marry this girl that my sister hates and who my mother would rather he not marry--I'm neutral on the matter. But it has caused our family a lot of problems. My sister was going to tell the gf (her good friend) if my brother did not--even though this is her brother.

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Mrmojorisin

My wife and I also looked very happy together. I was very happy. We did not have any major problems in our marriage. (Other than the normal stuff everyone goes through) Our sex life was great...... Most cheaters do not cheat because of an unhappy marriage. When they get caught most of them try to blame their spouse, but that is wrong.

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Well the crime commiter has to blame someone other than their self, right? That's the way it usually works.

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HeavenScent

Gwyneth, that was a tough situation but at the same time... was your brother insane? They were in the same club?! I can't believe people do that ****e to their partner.... oh great! My brother is doing the same thing.....

 

This is insane.

 

I would like to tell talk to him but I feel as a younger sister, I am overstepping or something.

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Mrmojorisin
Gwyneth, that was a tough situation but at the same time... was your brother insane? They were in the same club?! I can't believe people do that ****e to their partner.... oh great! My brother is doing the same thing.....

 

This is insane.

 

I would like to tell talk to him but I feel as a younger sister, I am overstepping or something.

 

All affairs are insane. My wife cheated with a man who works for her. The whole time the DOG was trying to be my friend, while banging my wife.....

 

You are not overstepping!! I repeat you are not overstepping!! If my brother or sister were doing the same thing, I would make them tell their spouses or I would tell them myself. They have a right to know. Think about one thing, if nothing else. What if he brought home an STD to your SiL? That is a very real possiblity. Condoms are not 100% effective. There are lots of people out there with herpes that can tell you that.

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Gwyneth, that was a tough situation but at the same time... was your brother insane? They were in the same club?! I can't believe people do that ****e to their partner.... oh great! My brother is doing the same thing.....

 

This is insane.

 

I would like to tell talk to him but I feel as a younger sister, I am overstepping or something.

 

He is insane, becaue the girl he cheated on was such a special person. She was an angel sent from heaven to him and he blew that. His fiance isn't a demon, but she's no ex-girlfriend. We all loved the ex he cheated on.

 

Yes, in the same club...I was shocked too. He supposedly told the girl to be at that club and he kept leaving for the bathroom. Finally my sister and his gf told my sister's bf to go check on brother because he had been gone for a while. When he checked one bathroom, he wasn't in there, then he went downstairs and that's where he caught brother with the girl. I believe my sister's bf went up to brother or brother saw him--either way, hew as caught.

 

We are his older sisters so we feel comfortable yelling at him :laugh: But that shouldn't matter--when a loved one is doing something you know and / or feel is wrong, freely express that to them. He sure as heck told me I'm insane for dating the MM and now having his baby (how quickly he forgets the phenomonon of cheating). My sister's friendship with her good friend was greatly hurt by our brother's infidelity. This was a couple of years ago and they have now become friends again, but my sister felt like this was part her fault (she didn't set them up, but she took some of the blame for her brother's stupidity...:confused:).

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My wife and I also looked very happy together. I was very happy. We did not have any major problems in our marriage. (Other than the normal stuff everyone goes through) Our sex life was great...... Most cheaters do not cheat because of an unhappy marriage. When they get caught most of them try to blame their spouse, but that is wrong.

 

 

WTF!! are you living my life else where???!!! This was my relationship too. Nothing but arguments about what to eat. :o

 

I've been in this situation but with cousins and friends. I dont get involve. You become the "bad person" if you tell. My in-laws knew what was going on with my stbxH and they never said a beep about it. I am sure that they told him to get it together... on the other hand my mother caught my stbxH red handed and told him that if he didnt tell me, she would.

 

I guess you can approach your brother about it and try to get a feel for what may be driving him to cheat (if there is a reason). About telling... um...

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Mrmojorisin
WTF!! are you living my life else where???!!! This was my relationship too. Nothing but arguments about what to eat. :o

 

I've been in this situation but with cousins and friends. I dont get involve. You become the "bad person" if you tell. My in-laws knew what was going on with my stbxH and they never said a beep about it. I am sure that they told him to get it together... on the other hand my mother caught my stbxH red handed and told him that if he didnt tell me, she would.

 

I guess you can approach your brother about it and try to get a feel for what may be driving him to cheat (if there is a reason). About telling... um...

That is one of the problems with out society. People watch others cheat on their wives/husbands and don't say **** about it. If you tell you are not the "bad person" the ****ing cheater is the bad person. I hate this "none of my business" attitude. If I have a friend or relative who is cheating, I will tell their spouse. If they don't like it then **** em. They should not have been such an ******* and cheated. If you cannot deal with the consequences of your actions, then to ****ing bad.

It really sucks to find out that you have been cheated on and it seems like everyone knew but you. The same people who claim to be your friend will sit back and let you get screwed over and say nothing. There are people who I will not talk to again nor forgive for letting me be deceived like that. They are not your real friends.

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That is one of the problems with out society. People watch others cheat on their wives/husbands and don't say **** about it. If you tell you are not the "bad person" the ****ing cheater is the bad person. I hate this "none of my business" attitude. If I have a friend or relative who is cheating, I will tell their spouse. If they don't like it then **** em. They should not have been such an ******* and cheated. If you cannot deal with the consequences of your actions, then to ****ing bad.

It really sucks to find out that you have been cheated on and it seems like everyone knew but you. The same people who claim to be your friend will sit back and let you get screwed over and say nothing. There are people who I will not talk to again nor forgive for letting me be deceived like that. They are not your real friends.

 

 

I guess it depends on the person. I have seen friends of mine duke it out when they were told and never speak to the person who told, but yet they stay with the guy. :rolleyes:

In my situation, people told me and I believed them and kept the same relationship or even a better one with them. But my in-laws didnt tell me anything.

 

It is all a game, a sad game where people get hurt and perhaps get the chance of enjoying love the right way stolen.

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Mrmojorisin
I guess it depends on the person. I have seen friends of mine duke it out when they were told and never speak to the person who told, but yet they stay with the guy. :rolleyes:

In my situation, people told me and I believed them and kept the same relationship or even a better one with them. But my in-laws didnt tell me anything.

 

It is all a game, a sad game where people get hurt and perhaps get the chance of enjoying love the right way stolen.

To be honest, I could not live with myself if I someone I knew was cheating or being cheated on and not say anything. If they never spoke to me again, well that would be fine with me. My conscience would not let me sit back and be quiet. I would be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing.

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bentnotbroken
To be honest, I could not live with myself if I someone I knew was cheating or being cheated on and not say anything. If they never spoke to me again, well that would be fine with me. My conscience would not let me sit back and be quiet. I would be able to sleep at night knowing I did the right thing.

 

 

I feel the same way. I can't control their response, but I can control doing the right thing.

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I have girlfriends that have specifically asked to NOT be told. What then?

 

Couple of months ago... My business partner and I walked into a restaurant. I ran into one of my girlfriends (not too close) husband. He was there with another chick. I said hello and kept it moving. He got so nervous that asked for the bill and headed out. He felt BUSTED!

Apparently, he was sh*tting bricks thinking that I was going to call her and tell her ( I didnt) that he went home and told her himself later on that night.

 

I'll be 100% honest with you guys of why I didnt say anything. She is the kind of person that laughs at everyone else's misery. While my stbxH was cheating on me (her husband's cousin. Small world!) my friend knew it all! It was her H cousin that my H was running around with!!!

 

One day she told me all about what she knew and basically laughed at me while I was crying like it was going out of style. She went on and on saying how her H would never ever dare to do some ish like that to her, because he knew better and that she was the best W that one could ever have... yada, yada, yada. SO for me to be the one to catch her H with his OW was more of a personal satisfaction. (LOL! sorry but I am being real) even though I didnt get to throw it in her face ( I wouldn't go that far) that's KARMA for ya! She basically kicked me while I was down.

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I don't know...you might tell her what you saw, and then laugh and say "I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!".

 

Of course, I've been known to be a vindictive SOB on occasion! :)

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I don't know...you might tell her what you saw, and then laugh and say "I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!".

 

Of course, I've been known to be a vindictive SOB on occasion! :)

 

OH trust me that would have been classic :lmao::lmao::lmao: but why fee into it?!?!

I am sure that her husband told her that it was me who saw him, so even better... she still feels like sh*t and I dont carry with the karma doing the same she did.

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I have girlfriends that have specifically asked to NOT be told. What then?

 

 

Well, respect their wish not to be told, and either stay out of it, or talk to the person cheating on them about how you know, and how it's wrong, and so forth.

 

Shoot, I'd want to know...:eek:

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bentnotbroken
I don't know...you might tell her what you saw, and then laugh and say "I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!".

 

Of course, I've been known to be a vindictive SOB on occasion! :)

 

 

Me too. I probably would have taken pictures, showed them to her and laughed that you didn't get a really good angle.:p

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Me too. I probably would have taken pictures, showed them to her and laughed that you didn't get a really good angle.:p

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: You guys are something else. I dont know, she caused me a lot of pain but I didnt feel like it made me the better person if I went and laughed at her. Too bad I was not drunk> then I would have called her and put him on the phone. LOL! :laugh::eek:

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