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I cheated...now what?


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So I just found this site, wish I had known about it before I did what I did. I have a child from another from a long relationship 18 years ago. I have been married with my current wife for 12 years and we have two children.

 

I have kept in touch with my ex and child and we have a good relationship but she called me a couple months ago and told me she is getting a divorce. She went on to ask me how my mariage has been and I told her the truth.

 

This past year my wife and I have had little contact with each other physically and she has been getting ill with the kids and myself more and more, so it seems. She says she is not feeling well within herself and does not want to be touched sexually, even though I tried to tell her I still though she looked great to me and was enough for me.

 

Long story short, I ended up taking my ex up on an offer to meet a couple weeks ago. We cheated. The entire time I was with my ex, (whom I still have feelings for and probably always will to some extent), I could not stop thinking about my wife and how it was wrong to be there, however, the damage was already done. My ex and I sense have decided that it was wrong for us to hook up as it brought a lot of old feelings back and she knows she cant have me and she wished she could trade places with my wife. I know I was wrong for doing this and realized while there that I only wanted my wife after all, even though I was not being treated in a mannor I thought I should have. When I got back home, I spoke with my wife about my feelings on her not seeming to want me anymore and we had a good talk and seemed to work things out, all has been well since.

 

Until today. She must have looked in my personal email and found a letter my ex sent me that I forgot to delete (I know, number one rule right!). My ex stated that it hurts to much to speak on the phone with me and she knows that I love my wife and my wife and I can work out our issues if I treat my wife like I treated her when we were togther.

 

So my wife tried to wake me this morning to ask whom I was at this certain location with however, it was 6:30am and I acted as if I did not wake up. I was caught off guard and did not want to argue at this time.

 

So now what? How do I tell her who it was, (She hates my ex anyway) and how do I tell her I know I screwed up and was only thinking about her while with my ex, anyway.? Any sugestions?

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i would tell her everything. own what you did and come clean. it doesn't have to be an argument..just explain to her that you met with your ex and made a huge mistake. she may well forgive you, ya know, but you should tell her. otherwise it will hang over you and may erode the trust you have. the email says plainly that the ex knows you love your wife...that should help your wife see that you are telling the truth!!!

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So now what? How do I tell her who it was,

 

Yes. If you don't want to be truthful with your wife, then you don't need to be her husband any longer.

 

 

(She hates my ex anyway) and how do I tell her I know I screwed up and was only thinking about her while with my ex?

 

Oh puleease. Where you thinking about her before or after you had an orgasm?

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So you were thinking of your wife while fu-king your ex ...

 

Although the damage is done here's what you should do.

 

A. tell your wife of your mistake and risk her leaving you,if she does stay for awhile things will not be great they are going to be tough,and of course you will need to work on your M and her trust ,now this is even IF she stays with you.

 

 

B. Don't tell her keep it to yourself, learn from your mistakes,work on your M,treat her great,appreciate what you have,have more quality time with both of you,learn to communicate with her,cut contact with your ex, tell her it was a mistake you never want her to bring it up again.

 

Personally my choice would be A. I know the truth did not work out for me,but I just could not keep it from my W,I figured I needed to tell her the truth,I told her and she divorced me.

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Here's the thing...

 

Your wife WILL figure out the whole thing eventually.

 

She knows something happened, she's almost certainly not going to let this go...and she'll get the truth.

 

But its HOW she gets the truth that's going to be one of the key factors that determine how this all works out.

 

If she has to drag it, kicking and screaming from you...how is she supposed to believe when she really does have the full truth? It will slow down chances for your marriage to recover from this infidelity...BIG TIME.

 

If you are honest and up front NOW, from the beginning...you have a much better chance of working through this...together.

 

Realize that this will be the most painful thing that either of you have ever gone through...it takes YEARS to recover a marriage from infidelity in the vast majority of cases.

 

But the first step is yours...telling her the TRUTH.

 

The second is yours as well...breaking off any and all contact with your ex.

 

After that, you BOTH have work to do.

 

So the question is...now that you've made the biggest mistake of your life...are you going to take ownership and responsibility for fixing it?

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Actually yes, I was thinking about my wife while I was with ex, as strange as that may sound to some of you. It did put a strain on being there too.

 

I have always told the truth when asked and have always been a guy a person could trust. I have not only let my wife down but my self and everyone who has believed in me. Another problem I have is I like to please people who suround me and even though I knew it was wrong, for some strange reason, I wanted to make my ex still feel like a woman through he divorce. I know it sounds stupid but it's the truth, and it did not work. Sure she felt great but I was not feeling the same.

 

So, I spoke with my wife and admitted to the affair but no details were talked about. She does not even know who the "Other Woman" was, which I am not sure if that is good or bad. I told her I would tell her everything if she wanted to know but, would it really make a difference if she knew everything? The facts are still the same, I done it, I own it. She said she can forgive me but will never forget. The problem is, I am not sure I can forgive myself right now. I guess with everything, time will heal and pass. I have a good woman at home and now, I just need to figure out how to make her trust me again.

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YES, it DOES make a difference if she knows everything.

 

HUGELY SO.

 

What most WS's (wayward spouses) don't get is that often the largest part of the betrayal is the DECEPTION.

 

You were living an entirely seperate part of your life that you completely hid from your wife. Her marriage was NOT what she thought it was at all during that time.

 

In order for her to forgive you, she's going to need to know what all she's got to forgive. In order to trust you, she has to know everything you did to hide it from her...so that she can see that you're not hiding it from her at all anymore.

 

She was probably far calmer than you expected her to be when you told her...wasn't she?

 

That's NORMAL. It also won't last. She's now going to be on the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell. One moment, she'll be in love with you and want to work things out...the very next, she'll hate your guts for what you've done and want to kick you to the curb and never see you again. Again...NORMAL behavior.

 

If you want to work through this...then you need to get a PLAN on recovering your marriage. You need to get marriage counseling...and preferably from someone with a track record of helping marriages successfully recover from infidelity...not some hack who doesn't have a clue. Do some research, find a good MC in your area.

 

Stop by the bookstore and get a copy of "Surviving an Affair"...there's a good gameplan for recovering marriages in there that can help you a lot.

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Thanks, I know you are right but damn, it is hard to do. The deal with my ex and I was already through as we knew it was wrong within a couple days after doing so. It was over, she never would have known and life would have went on with that secret. Would that have been wrong?

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Yes. And you know it...you just don't like the answer. Not bashing you...it is what it is.

 

Dude...recovering a marriage from an affair bites.

 

I know...my wife was the one who had an affair.

 

But I also know that it can be done, if you do it right.

 

We're happily recovered. Nearly four years now.

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Oh wow...what about your kids? Especially the child you had with this ex-wife? I'd just DIE if I found out my mother and father hooked up. How embarassing :o

 

I say honesty is the best policy. Be honest with your wife, and only tell her it won't happen again if it's true--not because you know it will make her feel better.

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I'd just DIE if I found out my mother and father hooked up.

I'm pretty sure they did, that's why you're here. :D

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Sounds like you have to come out and tell her. She's on to you, unless you just want to try a half truth and say you were just talking to your ex because of the problems you are having and they relate to her problems.

 

But one thing I notice is missing is you living with the guilt. Doesn't sound like the cheating bothered you that much, just getting caught.

I would think it would eat you up inside. I couldn't do it.

 

Is the guilt having any effect? Is there any? Or is it just the fear of getting caught.

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The daughter I had with my ex is 18 years old so, thats not a real issue.

 

Owl was right on the money with how my wife is okay one minute and off the ledge the next, wow!

 

I answered several of her questions but she has not yet asked who it was, not a name or anything. Also, I have only answered her questions and not sat down and explained in detail how or what happened.

 

For some reason, I feel it would be a bigger blow to know it was my ex then just some girl but, if she asks I will tell her.

 

The hard part is, the ex lives out of State and we have to go there and see the ex this summer for a graduation, not sure how that will work out.

 

And yes, I am sorry I got caught. It was over, a one time deal and she never had to know. I was upset with myseld during and after the affair but, not enough to admit my guilt to her and have this kind of thing happen.

 

I am hoping we can just get our healing process started and move on, I learned that it is all not worth it and it wont happen again. If life gets to bad at home, then a divorce would have to happen before I sleep with another woman.

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Mrmojorisin

Joeyroo,

You have a few problems here. I speak from experience. I cheated on my first wife and now my second wife has cheated on me. So I know about both sides of this issue.

1. What you WANT is for her to forgive you, not ask any more questions, forget about it and move on. You want this to happen tomorrow. Well, I have bad news for you. It will not happen tomorrow. It will take a very long time for the two of you to get past this. She will have more questions. She may be asking you questions for several months or more.

2. You say it won't happen again and you want your wife to take your word for it. WRONG!! WRONG!! a hundred times WRONG!! You lied to your wife, you deceived your wife. Your words and promises mean jack **** right now. You have to PROVE to your wife that you will remain faithful. That is done by your actions. And right now your actions say you are full of ****. You still want to hide part of this from her. You do that by praying that she will not ask anymore questions. You do not seem in the least bit remorseful. Your attitude seems to be "oh well, I screwed another woman, but its over now. Hey wanna go to a movie?"

You need to be kissing her ass and begging her to forgive you. You need to go to a marriage counselor. YOU take the reins and find a counselor. Do not wait for her to bring it up..

You need to cut all contact with your ex. PERIOD. Don't give me that bull**** about the daughter you have together. She is 18 now and doesn't need momma's help to keep in contact with dad.

You need to be completely transparent for your wife. That means she need access to your credit card statements, your bank account statements, and your phone bills. Please don't cry about invasion of privacy. That is your wife, man. There should be no secrets at all...

 

Just my humble opinion..

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Actually yes, I was thinking about my wife while I was with ex, as strange as that may sound to some of you. It did put a strain on being there too.

 

I have always told the truth when asked and have always been a guy a person could trust. I have not only let my wife down but my self and everyone who has believed in me. Another problem I have is I like to please people who suround me and even though I knew it was wrong, for some strange reason, I wanted to make my ex still feel like a woman through he divorce. I know it sounds stupid but it's the truth, and it did not work. Sure she felt great but I was not feeling the same.

 

So, I spoke with my wife and admitted to the affair but no details were talked about. She does not even know who the "Other Woman" was, which I am not sure if that is good or bad. I told her I would tell her everything if she wanted to know but, would it really make a difference if she knew everything? The facts are still the same, I done it, I own it. She said she can forgive me but will never forget. The problem is, I am not sure I can forgive myself right now. I guess with everything, time will heal and pass. I have a good woman at home and now, I just need to figure out how to make her trust me again.

 

If you don't tell her the whole truth there is still going to be alot of resentment when she figures out who it was.

Better to get it out in the open now than wait til later when it comes back to bite you on the butt.

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LakesideDream

Come clean with the whole mess. Your current wife needs to know. All of it, the where, what, and why. This won't be fun, I promise you.

 

What will happen? Who knows. You f**ked over your current wife big time. You ex wife helped you do it. You have a lot of responsibility there.

 

As far as the "no sex" thing with your current wife goes.. It's a "doesen't matter" situation. All or at least relationships go through problems like this. One of the other party loses interest, or becomes ill, and the sexual relationship suffers. For better or worse, it happens. It's your responsibility as a married couple to work it out if you can, or to come to the decision not to be together as a couple. Cheating to have sex is not justifiable, it's just an excuse.

 

Good luck friend. I've never been in your position. I can only imagine the humiliation of having to tell a long term spouse I had f**ked another woman outside of our marriage.

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Owl was right on the money with how my wife is okay one minute and off the ledge the next, wow!

 

Owl is ALWAYS right! The sooner people around here realize that, the happier they'll be! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

 

So, have you sought out a good marriage counselor yet, to help the two of you work through all of this?

 

Have you completely gone "NO CONTACT" with your ex yet?

 

These are critical steps in your marital recovery. Putting them off will delay that recovery drastically.

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