My xMM told me off today!!!!!

[LILA BELL]

I am so upset today has been horrible,as you all know I work for the same company as my xMM.

 

I have stayed clear of him since the last time he told me off which was back in January.

 

Friday I messed up on some work that had to be out,and I admit it did effect his job as well.

 

He came up to me and told me I better not screw up again like that because if I did he was going to raise hell.

 

I could not help it I had to ask him what was his problem with me what did I ever do to him?

 

That just got him furious he started to call me a bi@#^,wh*&^,sl@#,he said I disrespected his wife and him,he told me I was crazy and need help.

 

I know I did a few things to him and his wife and I wanted to say sorry to him,he just did not want to hear it.

 

He made me feel so horrible to make things worse I was crying like a baby,I could'nt even catch my breath I was crying so bad,and he did not care he was still talking crap to me he was even laughing at me.

 

He put me down so bad I can't even tell you how horrible I feel,I really feel like I'm nothing,worthless.

 

I could'nt even defend myself to him.

 

I know having a A with a MM was horrible I regret it I'm ashamed of myself,but he really made me feel even worse today and I can't stop crying about it.

 

Why am I letting him do this to me I am so angry at myself for not defending myself.

[MimiMe]

One thing should have nothing to do with the other... Not only is he a cheating sack of ish, he's also unprofessional. Stay away!

When you were giving up the skins he was not calling you all that and didn't think about the consequences just like you didnt.

Sounds like an aggresive person. Be safe!

[NotMyselfNEmore]

YOU disrespected his wife??? BULL CRAP!!! He is the one who doesn't have any respect for his wife. Shame on him! He is projecting his own disgusting guilt on you! Pleeeeeeeaaassseeeeee!! Do not let him blame you for HIS shortcomings!

 

Ugh! He was laughing at you? Come'on! He's not only disrespectful to his wife, now he's disrespectful to the woman that once filled whatever void he felt in his life?? He doesn't even love himself enough to be a real man. Fine, he doesn't want the affair anymore but he doesn't need to treat you like trash now that he doesn't want to "use" you.

 

Please, have a good cry. Let it ALL out. Make a plan to begin preparing yourself against anything this man ever tells you again. Arm yourself with a good hard skin so that next time he comes at you with emotional darts, you can let them bump right off you. But first, you need to empty your heart of any feelings (love, anger, dissapointment, guilt.. etc) Once you are empty, you can fill it up with STRENGTH.

[MimiMe]

YOU disrespected his wife??? BULL CRAP!!! He is the one who doesn't have any respect for his wife. Shame on him! He is projecting his own disgusting guilt on you! Pleeeeeeeaaassseeeeee!! Do not let him blame you for HIS shortcomings!

 

Ugh! He was laughing at you? Come'on! He's not only disrespectful to his wife, now he's disrespectful to the woman that once filled whatever void he felt in his life?? He doesn't even love himself enough to be a real man. Fine, he doesn't want the affair anymore but he doesn't need to treat you like trash now that he doesn't want to "use" you.

 

Please, have a good cry. Let it ALL out. Make a plan to begin preparing yourself against anything this man ever tells you again. Arm yourself with a good hard skin so that next time he comes at you with emotional darts, you can let them bump right off you. But first, you need to empty your heart of any feelings (love, anger, dissapointment, guilt.. etc) Once you are empty, you can fill it up with STRENGTH.

 

Unbiased opinion... all parties involved are guilty of disrespecting.

AND if you went creating drama and scenes to his wife, then I dont know what to tell you. BUT that still doesn't give him the right to bring up personal things with a mistake that was work related.

Did you f up on purpose though? cause you mentioned that it affects this work...

[LILA BELL]

I know I have did and said some crazy things in the past and yes it was not to long ago,but I been seeing IC I know what I did was wrong.

 

Today when he exploded at me like that I just felt so horrible I don't understand how I could have let him say those things to me.

 

I was so upset I was shaking as he was telling me those things,he put me down as a woman,as a co-worker and as a mother he just let it all out today.

 

He said I was a stalker,he told me everything he ever told me was a lie and I was stupid to believe him.

 

I felt hurt I know that may sound dumb,but I was really hurt,crushed,ashamed I felt pathetic.

 

No I did not mess up on purpose,it did affect him so he will have to stay at work late today.

 

He said I deserve everything he is telling me,and for a minute I actually believed him,I guess thats why I could not defend myself,I was speechless I did not know what to say to him.

Edited March 24, 2008 by LILA BELL

[nadiaj2727]

He is taking out his own self-anger and guilt on you. It's called transference. Don't let him make you feel worthless. Know that you are worthy. You have learned from your mistakes and you are not the person who used to sleep with him. He did everything you did and worse, because he is the one who was married. So don't let him try to put off his anger and guilt onto you. You are in a better place because you are single and you can move on without him. Obviously he is having a hard time doing that. Keep your head up LB.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

Again.... he is projecting his own feelings on you. He doesn't have a right to call you names, put you down or make you feel pathetic.

 

He already feels like crap, so he wants to make sure you feel worse than him so that he's "not so bad".

 

I know that you both have disrespected his wife and you both feel guilty BUT you are not the one bringing it up. HE was. You tried to move on and make changes. Apparently, he hasn't.

 

He's the one with the problem. You must stay away and arm yourself with plenty of emotional steel. Don't let this man push your buttons.

[torranceshipman]

He's a horrible pathetic bully! What a big man he must think he is, being the type of guy who isn't above pulling rank on a female and being so nasty to her that she cries...eugh, he is a sad, pathetic failure-one of life's big losers. I feel SO bad for you....is there any way you can leave this company? Is there any way you can make a formal complaint here?

 

Keep your head up, you sound like a nice person stuck in a really sucky situation....he is clearly all about the self loathing but he's too cowardly and pathetic to even face up to that feeling so he projects all his crap on to you. Totally toxic, freakin sad loser!!

 

He's the adult office based equivalent of the scrawny unpopular kid in high school that got picked last in gym class every week, then turned all bitter and nasty and is a jackass to the world because of it...LOSER. A bully is the absolute lowest form of life in our society and thats what he is. You're a sweetie and you don't deserve this treatment - remember that, no matter what crap he pulls.

 

Seriously consider telling someone - do you have a person in Human Resources that you can talk to confidentially about things like this? Lots of companies do have that kind of system - they might give you some very valuable advice.

[torranceshipman]

ps nothing wrong with being a scrawny kid at high school and it sucks being picked last, didnt want to sound mean, just seemed to be a suitable analogy (-;

[Gwyneth]

He MUST be Insane No, he IS insane. Is he crazy? He is blaming YOU? Hello??? Does he not remember being one half of the affair? What a LAME excuse for a man, Really. I'd have his a** fired for sexual harassment. Yelling at you is inapropriate, first of all. And second, using personal affairs against you is work place harassment (and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I am kind of right here). Who is His boss? Have him fired, or try to. What a jackass, Really.

 

I have rage, and let me tell you, if I were you, well I would have cried too, but I'd call his wife, and have a word with his boss.

 

If he is his own boss, then I'd find a new job ASAP and give him one day notice that you're leaving.

 

[Lookingforward]

Everything he said to you, you could say back to him regarding your H. He's no angel in this mess.

 

I think telling HR would be a good idea, this is harassment of a personal nature and has NO place in the workplace, regardless of what happened between you two.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't agree with what you did or the way you disrespected your own husband. But for him to put all the crap in your court is bull. He is equally responsible. Your job has nothing to do with the other. They are 2 separate issues. If he continues to behave as an @$$ in the work place, maybe a third partyn should be involved. Tell him to leave your personal life out of the job.

[LILA BELL]

After what happen today quitting is the only thing left,I hate to leave my job I love my job.

 

If I report him nothing will happen he is very important to the company,they make sure he is happy and taken care of there,I am someone who can easily be replaced ,he can't easily be replaced.

 

I know he was angry about the mistake I made and maybe he thinks it was purposely done,but it was not.

 

I don't know what came over me I should not have brought up the whole A thing I was only trying to apologize and ask him what exactly did I do so wrong to be disrespected and yelled at.

 

I know I did my share of bad choices,and I know I said alot of things out of anger about his W,but I am sorry for that.

 

I know I am not out of the clear my mind is not clear until I come clean with my H and I will,I am just being a coward and I can't come clean yet .

 

He even told me he was going to tell my H,he just went crazy on me in so many ways,I did not realize until today how much he really hates me,he was looking at me with so much anger.

 

This is the same man that claimed to love me and wanted to be with me,and now he was looking at me with hate and anger,and I just stood there like a idiot.

 

I feel like a idiot I did so many things in the past to try and make him love me and be more attractive to me,I am just so ashamed for being his fool and trying to please him.

[Starla]

hi LB. i'm soooo sorry he is being a sh*t about this...as if you aren't going through enough as it is!! your situation doesn't sound a jillion miles away from mine. i really loved the guy i work with, but it didn't work out (he has a common law wife and we mutually ended it). however, if ever something goes wrong, or he hears gossip about us, he immediately gets cross with me!! he can be quite scary in fact! he NEVER owns it...his own part in our affair. i remember once his g/f met me and told him she thought i was stunning...the next time he lost his rag with me he spat those words at me...'and she thought you were stunning', like i was the only one hurting her!! it's weird, looking at the man you love and yet being confused as to how he could treat you like you were nothing! all i can say really is it's a real sign he's lacking a backbone. if he pushes the responsibility in its entirety over to you, then he's a coward, and don't you feel bad for his pathetic inadequacies - he's the one who'll have to go through life as a spineless twunt!! not you.

i think you should look for a new position, and walk away with head held high!! xx

[curiousnycgirl]

After what happen today quitting is the only thing left,I hate to leave my job I love my job.

 

If I report him nothing will happen he is very important to the company,they make sure he is happy and taken care of there,I am someone who can easily be replaced ,he can't easily be replaced.

 

Time to get a lawyer and make this an HR issue. If they want to keep him happy they can certainly give you a settlement before you sue their a$$e$. What he did yesterday was absolutely sexual harrassment. He brought your personal relationship into the workplace in a deragatory and ugly way.

 

Get them to at least give you a cushion, and sign paperwork ensuring they will give you a good reference,etc before you just quit.

[bentnotbroken]

After what happen today quitting is the only thing left,I hate to leave my job I love my job.

 

If I report him nothing will happen he is very important to the company,they make sure he is happy and taken care of there,I am someone who can easily be replaced ,he can't easily be replaced.

 

I know he was angry about the mistake I made and maybe he thinks it was purposely done,but it was not.

 

I don't know what came over me I should not have brought up the whole A thing I was only trying to apologize and ask him what exactly did I do so wrong to be disrespected and yelled at.

 

I know I did my share of bad choices,and I know I said alot of things out of anger about his W,but I am sorry for that.

 

I know I am not out of the clear my mind is not clear until I come clean with my H and I will,I am just being a coward and I can't come clean yet .

 

He even told me he was going to tell my H,he just went crazy on me in so many ways,I did not realize until today how much he really hates me,he was looking at me with so much anger.

 

This is the same man that claimed to love me and wanted to be with me,and now he was looking at me with hate and anger,and I just stood there like a idiot.

 

I feel like a idiot I did so many things in the past to try and make him love me and be more attractive to me,I am just so ashamed for being his fool and trying to please him.

 

 

 

You had better get over your cowardice fast. If he is that pissed(probably because he is catching hell at home, and he is a butt nugget for not manning up)he might just tell your H in order to feel better about himself and make your life the same hell he is probably living. Just a thought.

[stillafool]

I don't understand what your work performance has to do with your ex-affair with this guy. I would tell him to "keep it professional" and not to talk to you about the affair anymore in your work place. How dare he even bring that mess up to you when your work has nothing to do with it. For God's sake stop crying and stand up to him!!!! Tell him to get out of your office or you will put on such a show you both will lose your jobs. If I were you I would confess to your h and try to find another job.

[Owl]

Gotta go with Stillafool and BNB on these...great advice!

[stillafool]

I know he was angry about the mistake I made and maybe he thinks it was purposely done,but it was not.

 

I don't know what came over me I should not have brought up the whole A thing I was only trying to apologize and ask him what exactly did I do so wrong to be disrespected and yelled at.

 

Why on earth would you bring up the affair? It is not just your fault it is his also. There's no need for you to apologize to him.

 

He even told me he was going to tell my H,he just went crazy on me in so many ways,I did not realize until today how much he really hates me,he was looking at me with so much anger.

 

You have got to get up the courage to tell your H. He is going to find out. If the MM is that important to the company and feels the way he does about you right now - he may get your fired because he doesn't want you around anymore.

[LILA BELL]

I was watching a morning show this morning while getting ready for work they were tallking about being bullied at work,yelled at,talked down too,etc.

 

Well I can't remember the exactly everything,but the woman talking did mention that being bullied at work is not a law suit,she said it happens alot,and how her and other's are trying to change that into turning it into some sort of law,like sexual harrassment.

 

The company I work for had a sexual suit year's ago and were sued they settled out of court,the woman who sued them left the company,but the guy you sexually harrassed her still works there to this day.

 

I talked to my H and told him I want to quit and go look for another job elsewhere,he asked why and I said I just think it's best he said it was up to me.

[bentnotbroken]

Still didn't tell him huh? An opening that you probably should have taken.

[curiousnycgirl]

I was watching a morning show this morning while getting ready for work they were tallking about being bullied at work,yelled at,talked down too,etc.

 

Well I can't remember the exactly everything,but the woman talking did mention that being bullied at work is not a law suit,she said it happens alot,and how her and other's are trying to change that into turning it into some sort of law,like sexual harrassment.

 

The company I work for had a sexual suit year's ago and were sued they settled out of court,the woman who sued them left the company,but the guy you sexually harrassed her still works there to this day.

 

I talked to my H and told him I want to quit and go look for another job elsewhere,he asked why and I said I just think it's best he said it was up to me.

 

I agree yelling and screaming is not a law suit. However yelling and screaming about the demise of an affair can be a law suit.

 

He is your superior at work, and he had an affair with you. Now that it is over, he feels it is appropriate to yell and scream about it in the office, while discussing a totally unrelated issue. Yup that can be a lawsuit.

[LILA BELL]

I know he needs and deserves to know,I know me not telling him is because of my own selfesh reason's.

 

I am doing IC and it is not fair that I am trying to get myself together,only to hurt him later after I feel strong enough to tell him of my A.

 

During my session she told me have I considered going through this together as a married couple rather then doing it alone,since it is something we will both need to deal with.

 

I know it is best for us to deal with it as a couple together,but what if when I tell him,he doesnt care about saving our M.

[bentnotbroken]

I know he needs and deserves to know,I know me not telling him is because of my own selfesh reason's.

 

I am doing IC and it is not fair that I am trying to get myself together,only to hurt him later after I feel strong enough to tell him of my A.

 

During my session she told me have I considered going through this together as a married couple rather then doing it alone,since it is something we will both need to deal with.

 

I know it is best for us to deal with it as a couple together,but what if when I tell him,he doesnt care about saving our M.

 

 

 

What if MM beats you to the punch? Then what chance does your marriage stand, with H knowing you had the oppertunity to come clean and didn't? It is possible that this is coming to a head.

[Owl]

Lila Bell, you know that you're trying to convince yourself to live for the rest of your life without admitting this to your H, right?

 

You do see that's only setting the stage for more and more troubles, instead of resolving them?

 

You're right...he may decide to end the marriage when he finds out about the affair. Its entirely possible. But...isn't that his RIGHT? I mean, if that's what he chooses to do, as a result of your affair...that's his choice.

 

Shouldn't he know the TRUTH in your marriage? Isn't he entitled to make the choice to remain married to you or not...WITH FULL KNOWLEDGE OF THE STATE OF HIS OWN MARRIAGE?

 

Can you truly see yourself recovering from all of this...completely, totally healthy...while still bearing this lie in your heart?

 

For yourself, you need to tell him. You'll never be able to FULLY recover anything with this lie sitting there. It'll eat at you, and you'll always know that its there, and that your H is living life without knowing it.

 

For him, you need to tell him. Because it DOES affect his life...immensely. Because he DOES deserve to know the truth of his own marriage.

 

For the two of you, you need to tell him. You're right...he may decide to end the marriage if you tell him. But do you know how many times I've seen WS's (here and other sites) that had your same fear that did end up telling...and were amazed at their BS's abililty to forgive them and work through the problem? You're taking his choice to do so...his chance to prove his worth and his love...you're taking that away from him by witholding the truth of your affair from him.

 

You ARE doing this for selfish reasons. The same selfish reasons you had the affair in the first place. When will you choose to STOP being selfish...start becoming selfless...and honor your husband with the truth?

 

And doesn't he deserve to hear it from you, the person he loves...as a confession...........rather than hear it from OM/MM, as an attack deliberately phrased and staged to hurt him and you? Or find out when you're fired due to MM's antics? You have the control right now...you have the chance to do this in the best possible way...its up to YOU to do the right thing this time.

 

Its up to YOU. Your counselor realizes you need to tell...hence the steering towards that idea. But your counselor knows its up to YOU.

 

Make the right choice. For you. For him. For your marriage.