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What is the longest you waited?


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I have been the OW for a year now. I am confident that one day we will be married, but as the approximate date we set for this is approaching, and will likely pass without any change (both of our choice), I am seeing a long wait as a very real possibility. Right now, I am a little daunted at the idea, but what can I say? If he wasn't the most incredible man ever, and our relationship one of those once-in-lifetime things, I would move on...but I won't until I have to.

 

So...my question is...What is the longest you , as the OW or OM, waited to be together? And did you give up waiting, or did it end up the way you hoped for?

 

Thanks for your input! It is nice to have a place where other good people who are in a situation like ours can understand each other.

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I have been the OW for a year now. I am confident that one day we will be married, but as the approximate date we set for this is approaching, and will likely pass without any change (both of our choice), I am seeing a long wait as a very real possibility. Right now, I am a little daunted at the idea, but what can I say? If he wasn't the most incredible man ever, and our relationship one of those once-in-lifetime things, I would move on...but I won't until I have to.

 

So...my question is...What is the longest you , as the OW or OM, waited to be together? And did you give up waiting, or did it end up the way you hoped for?

 

Thanks for your input! It is nice to have a place where other good people who are in a situation like ours can understand each other.

 

It's not going to happen. He is stringing you along.

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I waited 11 years... he finally moved with me, because she kicked him out.. otherwise I think I would still be waiting.. oh wait.. NO.. I don't think so...:laugh:

 

We lived common-law 18 years after that.. then I left him.. I guess he's the type of guy that would never leave....

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11 years? omg! I can only think as far as 2 or 3 ( I never thought I would make it a year actually) So it wasn't worth it for you, I take it?

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11 years? omg! I can only think as far as 2 or 3 ( I never thought I would make it a year actually) So it wasn't worth it for you, I take it?

 

Well I can't say it wasn't worth it.. I was 18 years with him.. that's a looong time.. lots of marriage don't even last that long..

 

If I were to 're-live' those years.. I would not have waited all those years.. because in the end.. he wasn't the man I really wanted..

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I began an affair with no intention of it ever turning into anything more. I thought we would exhaust our attraction to each other and both move on as friends, having enjoyed each other for however long it lasted. But sex turned into coffee which turned into dinner which turned into love. Six months into our relationship, I began to have an occassional "I wish this were easier; I wish he weren't married" thought that I would quickly banish into the nether-regions of my brain. Seven months into our relationship, he told me he was becoming increasingly impatient with his wife and unhappy in the time he spent away from me and that he was seriously considering changing it. Just after we crossed the eight month threshhold, his wife found out about us. All this time, I had never asked him to leave. Even as I began to want him to, I feared that I would be asking him to trade something definite and comfortable for something uncertain. When his wife found out, he decided to stay with her. That's when I finally asked him to leave. He spent three weeks trying to work things out with her, trying to satisfy himself that the marriage couldn't be salvaged. After the three weeks were over, he told me I was the person he wanted. But he didn't want her to feel like he was leaving her for me so he asked if I would be patient while he waited what he felt was a respectable period of time before asking for a separation. I agreed to wait 5 weeks, and I set an absolute deadline. She was not, in that time period, disavowed of the notion that he was leaving her for me, which upset him, but he met my deadline anyway. We spent about six weeks completely happy before his guilt kicked in. Now he's ambivalent about what to do, about whether to return to the marriage or to put the final stake in the proverbial coffin. It's very frustrating to see him struggling with uncertainty. It's actually the reason I found this board. But we're good for each other, so I'm willing to wait while he sorts out the way he's feeling. I want him to deal with the guilt now so it doesn't ruin our relationship later. In the meantime, I want to give him whatever support he needs to make peace with his decision. And in terms of a time limit - I guess as long as I feel that he's actively working through these issues, I'm willing to wait.

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sex turned into coffee which turned into dinner

 

Sex first? and THEN coffee? and THEN dinner?

 

Doooh! How can I do that? :)

 

Seriously, I went 7 years.

THEN I did research and realized that I was enabling a cake eater all that time.

 

I found some articles that strongly suggest that if he's really in to you then he'll make his decision in 3 to 6 months. If he goes longer, then the chances are that he'll never make the jump.

 

If he's already taken longer ... Your call!

In it for the great sex and romance? Good for you.

Falling in love with him? You're in for a deep, world of pain.

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I found some articles that strongly suggest that if he's really in to you then he'll make his decision in 3 to 6 months. If he goes longer, then the chances are that he'll never make the jump.

 

 

That is interesting. I have been considering that notion myself. That it seemed like during the first 6 month, urgency was much more apparent, but now, reality has made things much more difficult. Not that he wants it any less, but it is naturally going happen that we get used to living like this.

 

But I truly believe there is no man like him in this world, and for that reason, I keep on letting him 'string me along'.

 

I just wonder if the will come that I will resign myself to the fact that although he is the best man I could have ever hoped for, I CAN'T HAVE HIM.

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I waited 8 months. Two months into the affair, he separated from his wife and moved into a temporary place of his own (although he had claimed to be "separated", just living in different wings of their house, since we met). But he didn't do anything after that.

 

Like Cagney I did research and realized he was confused, fence sitting, cake eating. I didn't realize the situation I was in until I read about others in the same situation. I wasn't willing to waste another month of my life waiting around on him, no matter how much I "loved" him and wanted to be with him.

 

So I left. I wasted those 8 months of my life and I regret it. But at least I learned a big lesson: never date a married man and never listen to his good intention promises.

 

I hope your situation turns out better than mine. But unfortunately like the first poster said, it does sound like he's stringing you along. Why has it been a year already?? The most important question is -- how long are you willing to wait?

 

I wasn't willing to wait another day. He can always call after he's officially divorced and see if you're still available...

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LucreziaBorgia

The worst story I read was on another OW board, and this one woman posted her story: she had waited over thirty(!) years for MM to leave and then he broke things off, saying that he was too old to have an affair. Almost her entire adult life wasted waiting.

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The worst story I read was on another OW board, and this one woman posted her story: she had waited over thirty(!) years for MM to leave and then he broke things off, saying that he was too old to have an affair. Almost her entire adult life wasted waiting.

 

D*amn!

 

I too didn't go into the affair with any intentions. I guess God had a different plan for he and I...

 

Wait as long as you can. If you think he's worth waiting for, then wait. In the meantime, don't give up any great opportunities that come along. Give it a try on a casual date and if there is no flame or spark, try that date again, and if the secon time still nothing, then that wasn't meant to be. But don't rely on this MM to leave his wife--that's not the best plan. Just keep your eyes and options open, and be open and honest with MM about any dates you may have.

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I am not sure about the dating other people thing while I am in a relationship with him. I am a very loyal person and that would be betrayal of our love. I think it is only fair to him and I that if I have the desire to date other people, to stop waiting for him, that I tell him beforehand.

 

If your husband were sick in the hospital with a deadly illness, not sure if he would survive, but he might - he came into consciousness once a week and was normal, then into a coma for the rest - would you leave him? Or would you keep hoping that the cure would be found? Until I am told that he is dead to me, or that a cure will never be found, I will keep waiting and loving. I know he is not my husband, but for the times we are together, we are everything to each other. That bond is not found by very many people on this earth.

 

Thanks for telling me to wait for him if I love him. It is good to hear.

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I am not sure about the dating other people thing while I am in a relationship with him. I am a very loyal person and that would be betrayal of our love. I think it is only fair to him and I that if I have the desire to date other people, to stop waiting for him, that I tell him beforehand.

 

If your husband were sick in the hospital with a deadly illness, not sure if he would survive, but he might - he came into consciousness once a week and was normal, then into a coma for the rest - would you leave him? Or would you keep hoping that the cure would be found? Until I am told that he is dead to me, or that a cure will never be found, I will keep waiting and loving. I know he is not my husband, but for the times we are together, we are everything to each other. That bond is not found by very many people on this earth.

 

Thanks for telling me to wait for him if I love him. It is good to hear.

 

I think you are talking to me?

 

Well, if you are loyal, then why are you having an EA with a committed man? I know you mean you are loyal to the people you know and love, but you are helping this guy to Not be loyal. I don't know how much you admire loyalty, but just something to ponder upon :)

 

I can't compare my husband being ill to a man who isn't--that's just differnet. It would be ill advised to date while your husband is ill or incapable of physicality. But I do see the point you are trying to convey. But I too would wait, mourn (if he were to die) before moving on. I just don't agree with the comparison you are making here--but that's not the point, so let's not fret over that :)

 

But yes, I stick by my words when I said "wait for him if I love him," and I am glad it's music to your ears :love: because not too many around here will tell you that. ;)

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I am not sure about the dating other people thing while I am in a relationship with him. I am a very loyal person and that would be betrayal of our love. I think it is only fair to him and I that if I have the desire to date other people, to stop waiting for him, that I tell him beforehand.

 

You may be loyal to him, but the fact that he goes home to his wife and is spending his life with her shows that he is not loyal to either you or his wife. So your loyalty to him is a one-way street. He does not feel the same sense of loyalty to you. So why wait at all?

 

Tell him that you have waited a year, he isn't making any moves to leave his wife, so you are going to start dating other men. If he doesn't like it, tell him he can get a divorce. But waiting indefinitely for a man to leave his wife, and waiting and waiting and waiting, only wastes precious years of your life.

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GreenEyedLady
I have been the OW for a year now. I am confident that one day we will be married, but as the approximate date we set for this is approaching, and will likely pass without any change (both of our choice), I am seeing a long wait as a very real possibility. Right now, I am a little daunted at the idea, but what can I say? If he wasn't the most incredible man ever, and our relationship one of those once-in-lifetime things, I would move on...but I won't until I have to.

 

So...my question is...What is the longest you , as the OW or OM, waited to be together? And did you give up waiting, or did it end up the way you hoped for?

 

Thanks for your input! It is nice to have a place where other good people who are in a situation like ours can understand each other.

 

It took two and a half years for him to leave...And now we're happy...Just make sure he's the one for you, without any doubts...

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whichwayisup

Is your MM actually divorcing and putting that plan into action or is he telling you he's 'going' to be divorcing? Does he have kids? Does his wife know about you?

 

One thing to think about, since you mentioned hopsitals...What if your MM got sick or had an accident, ended up in the hospital...Who would be by his bedside? You or his wife? Would you be allowed to see him and visit him?

 

Sure, if you love him, and he is actually DOING and not just saying then wait, but put a time limit on it.

Might want to read Stampdaddy's thread(s).

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I have been the OW for a year now. I am confident that one day we will be married, but as the approximate date we set for this is approaching, and will likely pass without any change (both of our choice), I am seeing a long wait as a very real possibility. Right now, I am a little daunted at the idea, but what can I say? If he wasn't the most incredible man ever, and our relationship one of those once-in-lifetime things, I would move on...but I won't until I have to.

 

So...my question is...What is the longest you , as the OW or OM, waited to be together? And did you give up waiting, or did it end up the way you hoped for?

 

Thanks for your input! It is nice to have a place where other good people who are in a situation like ours can understand each other.

 

There was someone one on here I think a year or so ago that after 8-9 years later, FINALLY decided that maybe they weren't getting married. Ya think!!!

 

I personally think you'll wait as long as your with this dude. JMO.

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It took two and a half years for him to leave...And now we're happy...Just make sure he's the one for you, without any doubts...

 

Congratulations. It is good to hear that it worked out. Just curious, was the wait because he wasn't ready or money, or kids? Did you give him any deadlines or just work with what life gave you?

 

I know everything he is going through right now - just with pressures of life outside of our thing, and it is enough to make someone think suicidal thoughts. If I were to pressure for a deadline for us, when life is so unsure in a basic way for him , I think it would be unfair and unloving.

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Is your MM actually divorcing and putting that plan into action or is he telling you he's 'going' to be divorcing? Does he have kids? Does his wife know about you?

 

One thing to think about, since you mentioned hopsitals...What if your MM got sick or had an accident, ended up in the hospital...Who would be by his bedside? You or his wife? Would you be allowed to see him and visit him?

 

Sure, if you love him, and he is actually DOING and not just saying then wait, but put a time limit on it.

Might want to read Stampdaddy's thread(s).

 

We have a complicated history. Yes, he has made steps, unfortunately we decided to reverse them, as things blew up in our faces. She knows about me, knows he loves me, and I him, knows we work together at work, and he talks about me all the time. He has kids, a huge reason it is so hard, but not the reason it is not happening right now.

 

Basically, I truly believe we are meant for each other, and so does he. But when life gets messy like this, and you try to attempt an upheaval, you can't just do it and hope that things magically work out...we tried that once....lol. We are trying to make this as easy as possible on all that are involved. The recession right now is killing us! It is amazing how many problems could be solved with money!

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bentnotbroken

Doing the right thing isn't one of them. Sorry don't mean to sound snippy. But that statement kind of resonated with me. I guess I won't ever understand what is so hard about leaving before getting involved with someone new.

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I am not sure about the dating other people thing while I am in a relationship with him. I am a very loyal person and that would be betrayal of our love. I think it is only fair to him and I that if I have the desire to date other people, to stop waiting for him, that I tell him beforehand.

 

If your husband were sick in the hospital with a deadly illness, not sure if he would survive, but he might - he came into consciousness once a week and was normal, then into a coma for the rest - would you leave him? Or would you keep hoping that the cure would be found? Until I am told that he is dead to me, or that a cure will never be found, I will keep waiting and loving. I know he is not my husband, but for the times we are together, we are everything to each other. That bond is not found by very many people on this earth.

 

Thanks for telling me to wait for him if I love him. It is good to hear.

 

I waited approximately 3 months!!! The day I told him I would be seeing other men and will NOT remain loyal to him, was the day he make his final decision and left his wife.

 

If he thinks you will always be there as his side piece, that is exactly where you will remain. My MM told me he did not want to cheapen our relationship and have an affair with me even though I agreed to have one with him. I even told him to live his life and stay with his wife and I would live mine.

 

He decided that he was NOT going to let me get away. Please think about what you are allowing this man to do to you. It is as much your decision to remain the OW as much as it is his.

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I waited approximately 3 months!!! The day I told him I would be seeing other men and will NOT remain loyal to him, was the day he make his final decision and left his wife.

 

If he thinks you will always be there as his side piece, that is exactly where you will remain. My MM told me he did not want to cheapen our relationship and have an affair with me even though I agreed to have one with him. I even told him to live his life and stay with his wife and I would live mine.

 

He decided that he was NOT going to let me get away. Please think about what you are allowing this man to do to you. It is as much your decision to remain the OW as much as it is his.

 

That is exactly what we did after about a month of being together. He did not want me to think that it was going to be an endless affair, so he abruptly started the divorce, moved in with me, yada yada. He did not want to lose me. But his wife freaked out, even though he had been telling her for years this was going to happen if she didn't clean up her act (she didn't think he would really do it - he is a good man!) So we decided it was best for all involved (although hardest on us) to take it slower. But now a year later there is more complications. Sigh. But we still love each other greatly and want this to work out.

 

yeah, I am the OW by choice, I know that. I just want to believe that it CAN work out, not every often, but I just wanted to hear a few happy endings. When you are all alone at night, things seem so hopeless.

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That is exactly what we did after about a month of being together. He did not want me to think that it was going to be an endless affair, so he abruptly started the divorce, moved in with me, yada yada. He did not want to lose me. But his wife freaked out, even though he had been telling her for years this was going to happen if she didn't clean up her act (she didn't think he would really do it - he is a good man!) So we decided it was best for all involved (although hardest on us) to take it slower. But now a year later there is more complications. Sigh. But we still love each other greatly and want this to work out.

 

yeah, I am the OW by choice, I know that. I just want to believe that it CAN work out, not every often, but I just wanted to hear a few happy endings. When you are all alone at night, things seem so hopeless.

 

 

My MM's wife freaked out too and is still freaking out EVERY DAY. She gives him lots of abuse but is also saying she loves him and wants it to work between them. She knows about me and obviously hates the ground I walk on. He has told her he loves me and doesn't love her. He has said he will never go back both to me and to his wife.

 

I am sorry to say but if he really wanted it to work between the two of you why is he back with his wife, she will still freak out if he leaves tomorrow, next month or next year. What will change to stop her freaking out? It CAN work if he loves you enough to give up his wife and his old life and start afresh with you. The ball is in his court to MAKE it happen. He must then deal with what ever life and his wife throws at him, if he is not strong enough to deal with it, do you really want to be with him?

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I am sorry to say but if he really wanted it to work between the two of you why is he back with his wife, she will still freak out if he leaves tomorrow, next month or next year. What will change to stop her freaking out? It CAN work if he loves you enough to give up his wife and his old life and start afresh with you. The ball is in his court to MAKE it happen. He must then deal with what ever life and his wife throws at him, if he is not strong enough to deal with it, do you really want to be with him?

 

Actually, they have been able to work things out civilly in the past few months. She went from crying everyday to agreeing that she wanted the D too, to actively trying to make ways for it to happen. They haven't lived as husband and wife, he is just mainly there to keep her calm during the initial stages and for the kids. They have 2 kids, and are determined to make it as good as possible for them.

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Actually, they have been able to work things out civilly in the past few months. She went from crying everyday to agreeing that she wanted the D too, to actively trying to make ways for it to happen. They haven't lived as husband and wife, he is just mainly there to keep her calm during the initial stages and for the kids. They have 2 kids, and are determined to make it as good as possible for them.

 

If I may ask - did you give him a deadline?

 

It's impossible for things to work out sooner if kids are involved - for some people anyway.

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