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Glad I stumbled across this site. Here's my story...

 

I'm a MW (9 years). It's never been as strong as it could be. A lot of arguing, disagreeing, verbal abuse. We've dealt with health problems, death, infertility, adoption, etc. A lot of emotional issues throughout the years.

 

About 1 1/2 years ago, I had a hysterectomy. It was life-changing and for the first time in 20 years I was able to truly experience life. I've lost weight, and last fall had a makeover. People I haven't seen in a while don't recognize me. The healthier and more attractive I became, the worse it got at home.

 

Seven months after my surgery, I changed careers. I work in a male-dominated field, so the majority of my work relationships/friendships are with men. He assumed all this "transformation" was for someone at work and started accusing me of having an affair. God forbid I wanted to look and feel good for myself.

 

Right before Christmas it finally hit rock bottom. I realized I deserved to be treated better. I became talking beyond the traditional "how's the kids" with a friend from work and the conversations turned rather racy. My husband found some emails (he hacked into my account) and said he no longer trusted me and that even though I hadn't slept with this guy, I might as well have because that's how he felt.

 

I moved out. Another friend at work has become my best friend. He checks on me almost every day and I feel such a connection with him. Yes, even a couple of months before things came to a head with my husband, I felt an attraction to this man but kept it buried. After I moved out and reflected upon things, I realized I have intense feelings for him. If I made a checklist of the ideal partner, he would match it perfectly. Yes, he is a MM. We've had sexual talks. We've kissed, groped, etc but nothing past that. He has been honest from the start. He thinks a lot of me, cares about me, but is not going to get emotionally involved and will not leave his wife.

 

My husband and I are trying to reconcile but my heart isn't completely in it. When I hear a song, I should think of my husband, but instead I think of MM. When there's a story I want to share, it's MM I want to call. Sexual fantasies - MM. Husband and I had AMAZING sex the other night, but it was after spending the day talking and texting with MM.

 

I don't want to cause problems for MM and I don't want to give my husband false hope. In the end, I could very well be left alone and miserable - I know. Husband won't reconcile if I continue friendship with the one who I had originally shared emails with (and yes I know I was emotionally and sexually not getting what I wanted from husband and readily accepted the attention of another man. He is single).

 

But with MM, even though I have developed feelings beyond friendship and I want a sexual relationship with him, I would rather not have a romantic relationship and keep him in my life as a good friend than risk losing him altogether. Even if it means I secretly love him.

 

MM went on vacation for a week and I thought I would die. I was so miserable not being able to talk to him. Oh, the reason why we haven't had a sexual relationship? He came over to visit me one night and was here for just a few minutes. When he got home, his W questioned him. They had a long discussion and he promised to do everything he could to make his marriage work. Yet he still looks forward to our talks and messages as much as I do and continues to keep the additional cell number we use. While we occasionally flirt or make sexual comments, the majority of the time it's just sharing stories and spending time together (via the phone) as friends. We get to see each other at work 1-2 times a week.

 

Even though there is a mutual attraction, we don't act on it and continue to be good friends. Yet, the fact remains he is the one I think about when it comes to romance and sex. My husband knows how I feel and says he wants to work on us so that when it's all said and done, I don't want to think about any guy except for him.

 

MM has been an emotional support through all of this, but is not leading me on, making false promises, etc. I greatly care about MM and don't want to cut him out of my life. Right now I feel if I stay with my husband, it will be because I know he loves me and I can't have the man I want more than anyone else. I love husband but I'm not in love with him anymore.

 

Do I force myself to fall back in love with husband? Is that possible? At this point can the marriage work when it really is plan B for me? If MM called me right now and said he filed for divorce, I would go out tomorrow and do the same. I'm torn because when I'm at my apartment that feels right, yet when I'm with husband, it feels right too.

 

Am I beyond help?

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LucreziaBorgia

What would help most? Thinking with your head: Get a divorce, cut MM out of your life and try to build a new life for yourself and find someone whom you will love and will love you fully and freely. That will give you the best chance for long term happiness.

 

What would help you least? Thinking with your heart and your genitals: Trapping your husband in a marriage that you don't want, preventing him from sharing his life with someone who will truly love and appreciate him. Being an OW to a man who will keep you on the side in a relationship that will make you miserable more than it will happy.

 

I don't think you are beyond help, but I do know this - the things that would help you most aren't the things you want to do. You want the things that would help you the least, would destroy everyone involved, and would keep you in a state of perpetual misery.

 

You want happiness, but I can guarantee you this: you won't find it in the places you are looking.

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But with MM, even though I have developed feelings beyond friendship and I want a sexual relationship with him, I would rather not have a romantic relationship and keep him in my life as a good friend than risk losing him altogether. Even if it means I secretly love him.

 

Forget it. This NEVER works out. And its pretty much garuanteed to prevent any kind of reconciliation or healing between you and your H. If you maintain a "friendship" with him, when you're harboring these feelings, you're going to be constantly holding out on your H emotionally, and possibly physically as well. You'll allow this MM to meet your emotional needs, and prevent your H from being able to do so.

 

And the odds are very high that if you attempt to maintain any kind of friendship/relationship with MM while you're feeling this way, you WILL cross the line and enter into an affair with him.

 

LB's got the right of it.

 

If you're not happy in your marriage, and you feel you've given it your best shot, divorce.

 

Regardless, given how you feel for this MAN WHO IS ALREADY MARRIED...you need to end ANY kind of friendship/relationship with him...AT ALL.

 

This is pretty much the same kind of mindset that many people have with wanting to be friends with the OM/OW after the affair 'ends'...but the affair doesn't end if there's still contact.

 

You're in an emotional affair with him...RIGHT NOW. That means the time/effort/etc... that he spends with YOU...you are stealing from his WIFE.

 

End the 'relationship'. THEN figure out what you want to do with your own marriage.

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whichwayisup

If you want to give your marriage a shot and go to marriage counselling with your husband, then CUT the MM out of your life. There's not a chance in heck your marriage will work, let alone you find those feelings you once had for your husband when another man is still in the picture. Unfortunately you work with him and have grown close to MM, so this WILL be hard on you.

 

You have some thinking to do...Either fix your marriage and go complete no contact with the MM or, end your marriage and be alone for a while. You're vunerable, you're missing alot from your marriage and have found someone else to meet and fill in those needs..

 

You have gone through ALOT with your husband and you have a history with him. Might be worth saving, so definately do some individual counselling as well to help you make that choice.

 

Owl has given you some stuff to think about as well.

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Jasmine8719

You can never force yourself to fall in love with someone again, that's not real love. You obviously don't want to be with your husband anymore so why try to force it; it will just put both of you in a worse state than what your in now.You need to get a divorce and just start over, find someone who will make you happy.

Good Luck!

-Jasmine

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