Pondering an Affair

[julkat]

Hi everyone,

 

I never thought I'd end up in this section, but I'm learning that life throws many curve balls.

 

Background is that I'm separated from H for 7 months, children are older teenagers, he's living in another city but comes to where we live and stays on our road in another home on weekends. I'm still in marital home. I've seen a lawyer and started very preliminary divorce proceedings. He doesn't want to divorce. But he's recently (1.5 years) come out as a crack addict and hasn't sought help. He isn't actively using, but still drinks too much, spends our money recklessly, and I just don't trust him anymore. Our 20 year marriage has been a lie. Long story short - I don't feel bad for leaving him, I just feel bad it didn't work out but know I gave it everything.

 

I have only had sex approx. 5 times in 15 years. I never cheated on H, although he has at least recently cheated on me (I have video) - hence separation.

 

About 4 months ago a married male acquaintance asked me out for lunch. We cross paths occasionally regarding community volunteering. Lunch was great and we had fun. We've since have had lunch about 1x/month. We take turns paying, talk about neutral stuff. Good fun.

 

Last week he told me that he has not had sex in 3 years, his wife is permanently damaged emotionally from some long ago imbedded baggage (not from him), and they will not have sex again. He says he loves her, enjoys being with her, but can't reconcile never having sex again - he's early 60's. He said he would like to have a sexual partner outside of his marriage. He said they have recently come up with an "understanding".

 

I really like and trust him. He's a good person. I also like his wife, although I don't know her well and we don't cross socially. I am not ready for a relationship, don't want to date, and am enjoying being single again. But I too would love to have sex again. I'm in my early 40's, and he's quite attractive to me. I had considered trying to find a sex-only partner well before he ever invited me to lunch the first time. I don't want to have to deal with a relationship where another person wants something long-term and I just don't right now (probably not for a few years at least).

 

I'm torn. On one hand, infidelity is not a good word in my books, having been on the receiving end. Yet I'm surprised at how easily I can justify being the OW. That said, we live in a small town and I live a somewhat public life. I don't want to be the one known as the OW, and certainly don't want to get involved in any scandal. I would have to trust him, as he me, to be very discreet, regardless of their "understanding", because not everyone would understand.

 

I am worried that I might (totally) unexpectedly fall into an emotional affair with him, and I have been here long enough to understand the devastation that can cause. I am worried that we may find out we're not compatible and wreck our prior friendship. I am worried that I am taking the easy way out and should stay as far away from this as I can. On the flip side I am excited about taking care of this part of my life, knowing that I'd be safe with him.

 

I would appreciate any of your comments.

[whichwayisup]

Since you haven't cheated (yet), don't. Your 'friendship' with the married man isn't right either..He's married! You even know his wife and like her, so it really isn't cool to be hanging out with her husband, bonding with him and building something with him. I think you DO enjoy his company, and he probably enjoys yours...Though it's on the expense of his wife. You've been cheated upon and know how it feels so please, really think about your choices and the consquences. Does he have children?

 

Whatever agreement he and his wife have, you only have HIS word. Who knows if what he's told you is the truth. Maybe finding a single guy would be better, that is, once your divorce is final. Don't give your soon to be ex husband anything to hang over your head..

[Gwyneth]

Hi everyone,

 

Our 20 year marriage has been a lie.

 

I have only had sex approx. 5 times in 15 years. I never cheated on H, although he has at least recently cheated on me (I have video) - hence separation.

 

About 4 months ago a married male acquaintance asked me out for lunch. We cross paths occasionally regarding community volunteering. Lunch was great and we had fun. We've since have had lunch about 1x/month. We take turns paying, talk about neutral stuff. Good fun.

 

Last week he told me that he has not had sex in 3 years, his wife is permanently damaged emotionally from some long ago imbedded baggage (not from him), and they will not have sex again. He says he loves her, enjoys being with her, but can't reconcile never having sex again - he's early 60's. He said he would like to have a sexual partner outside of his marriage. He said they have recently come up with an "understanding".

 

 

I've highlighted the things you said that I want to talk to you about.

 

First of all, you said "Our 20 year marriage has been a lie." Think about this--your 20 year marriage has been a lie, but you are contemplating having an affair with a man who has probably been married longer than that? Why would you want to be half of the responsible party into making his marriage a "lie?"

 

Second, you said "I have only had sex approx. 5 times in 15 years. I never cheated on H, although he has at least recently cheated on me (I have video) - hence separation." Key words, "Hence separation." You and he are separated from what it seems to be his infidelity--not the drug use? Again, why would u agree to engage in an affair with a MM if this is the sole reason you and your H are now separated and on your way to divorce court?

 

Then you go on to say that this MM you have lunch with has not had sex in three years. Okay, well that's not your problem--that's his and his wife's problem. Why make it better?

 

They have an "agreement?" For some reason, I just don't believe that at all. But then again, Anything is possible. It doesn't justify the fact that you'd be having an affair with a MM.

 

Since you are both the BS and the wife who is preparing for a divorce, you should know better, I would think, then to put yourself on the oposite side from where you are now--the OW side. Is this something you really want to pursue?

 

Please, think hard about this. Whether or not he and his wife have an understanding I'm not so sure really matters. I can't imagine any woman allowing or agreeing to let her husband sleep with an other woman because she doesn't want to, unless she herself has some secret boy toy on the side ().

 

I am having a hard time believing this guy. I have a bad feeling.

[Kamille]

I am debating what to tell you. the obvious answer is 'don't do it' but if you do it, don't get emotionnally involved.

 

If you can't keep emotions separated from the affair, then get out.

 

 

Here is what I think is happening to you: you are getting out of what sounds like a very draining, difficult relationship. The attention the MM is giving you is thrilling and you're considering it because you are rekindling with your attractive side.

 

Basically, you are rediscovering what mutual attraction feels like. I bet you had that aspect of yourself buried way down deep.

 

But know this... You don't need this MM to feel attractive. Keep your head up, keep smiling, keep chatting up with your friends and someone truly single and ready for sex will cross your path.

 

It sounds to me like you really have a choice, like you aren't overly invested. Read the posts here from people who chose to get involved and continue affairs. Two years ago, I was in your shoes, trying to figure out what to do. I read many threads in this section and it gave me the strenght I needed to put a stop to a budding affair. I realized I could never be an OW. I can only wish the same for you.

[silktricks]

I personally would say - "Don't do it and run for the hills", but if you do....

 

He said he would like to have a sexual partner outside of his marriage. He said they have recently come up with an "understanding".

 

I really like and trust him. He's a good person. I also like his wife, although I don't know her well and we don't cross socially.

 

Then I would insist that the three of you sit down and discuss it. If, in fact, they have come to an "understanding", then he should not mind this being an open situation.

 

If he doesn't agree to the meeting, then I doubt he is as trustworthy as you may think.

[Gwyneth]

Maybe their understanding is a threesome?

[julkat]

Kamille, I think you have hit it right on the head here. All of what you are saying about what I'm feeling is true.

 

I am amazed that someone wants to be intimate with me after being told for years by my H that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I think I'm ok, and other tell me I'm very attractive, but this MM is definitely validating that. It is thrilling to be pursued, and I had certainly forgotton this feeling.

 

I like the idea of talking with both him and his wife to understand why they would "allow" me into their marriage, but can't imagine actually doing this! I think that I may put this back in his court that I am attracted to him too but am not prepared to skulk around and risk my reputation. Perhaps he has some difficult choices to make.

[whichwayisup]

I like the idea of talking with both him and his wife to understand why they would "allow" me into their marriage,

 

Atleast if you bring this up to him, you'll find out if he IS telling you the truth. I mean, it is possible he is just telling you she's okay with him doing whatever...and none of that is true, right?

[julkat]

Just another thought - I have always wondered how anyone could cheat on anyone, and now I understand. We never stop growing and learning.

 

I am disappointed, but not surprised, that your responses weren't "Yeah! Go for it! Have fun! Whippee!" Cuz I really would like to get a little sooner than later!

[whichwayisup]

Noone is going to tell you to go for it...Not on the expense of someone else getting hurt. If he was single and you were single - Hell yeah, I'd tell you to go NOW, but he isn't and technically, neither are you.

 

In the meantime, invest in either a viberator, or a shower massager!

[DrIndigo]

I don't think anyone can tell you should or should not do this. People come to all kinds of arrangements. I will, however, offer you a couple of words of caution.

 

This man's wife may believe she is totally comfortable with him having sex with another woman, per their arrangement. But she doesn't really know how she'll feel until it happens. So even with his wife's blessing, understand that she may not be able to appreciate how much it could hurt her to know her husband is taking advantage of their agreement.

 

Both you and this MM say you're interested in sex only, but sex can be an emotionally unfiying experience, particularly if it is something that has been missing in both your lives for some time. If you embark upon a purely sexual involvement with this man, I suggest doing it with the understanding that either one of you can pull the plug anytime without explanation in so little as a text message and that if you begin to feel an emotional attachment, you avail yourself of the door. It may also be more difficult not to bond once you start sleeping together because you're already friends. The two of you apparently like each other as people; that probably increases the liklihood something emotional might flow from a physical relationship.

 

No one can make this decision for you, and no one should judge you for the decision you make. But be aware that someday you will judge yourself. Be cognizant of your motivation, what you want out of the situation, and what the benefits and consequences may be. Good luck with your decision.

[Gwyneth]

Just another thought - I have always wondered how anyone could cheat on anyone, and now I understand. We never stop growing and learning.

 

I am disappointed, but not surprised, that your responses weren't "Yeah! Go for it! Have fun! Whippee!" Cuz I really would like to get a little sooner than later!

 

Just make sure he puts a condom on...that's my last piece of advice

[stampdaddy]

Just make sure he puts a condom on...that's my last piece of advice

good advice Gwen...

[SoleMate]

There are plenty of single men out there. Any one of them would be so much better than this MM. Read through the MM/OW stories on Loveshack and the decision will be easily made.

[Gwyneth]

good advice Gwen...

 

 

I like your Avatar

[stampdaddy]

 

I like your Avatar

thanks, just the mood I am in right this "moment".. tomorrow it will be something else or nothing...

[Gwyneth]

thanks, just the mood I am in right this "moment".. tomorrow it will be something else or nothing...

 

LOL!!! I hear you, Stampdaddy.

[Lyssa]

I don't think anyone can tell you should or should not do this. People come to all kinds of arrangements. I will, however, offer you a couple of words of caution.

 

This man's wife may believe she is totally comfortable with him having sex with another woman, per their arrangement. But she doesn't really know how she'll feel until it happens. So even with his wife's blessing, understand that she may not be able to appreciate how much it could hurt her to know her husband is taking advantage of their agreement.

 

Both you and this MM say you're interested in sex only, but sex can be an emotionally unfiying experience, particularly if it is something that has been missing in both your lives for some time. If you embark upon a purely sexual involvement with this man, I suggest doing it with the understanding that either one of you can pull the plug anytime without explanation in so little as a text message and that if you begin to feel an emotional attachment, you avail yourself of the door. It may also be more difficult not to bond once you start sleeping together because you're already friends. The two of you apparently like each other as people; that probably increases the liklihood something emotional might flow from a physical relationship.

 

No one can make this decision for you, and no one should judge you for the decision you make. But be aware that someday you will judge yourself. Be cognizant of your motivation, what you want out of the situation, and what the benefits and consequences may be. Good luck with your decision.

 

This is a good post!

 

Julkat, this is what I think - people don't know what they are getting into until they ARE in that place. W might be okay about it but really, when she sees or knows H is having sex with another woman... I don't think she'd feel all that good.

 

Another thing to consider is that you live in a small town. No matter how discreet you both are going to be, one day - people are just going to find out. There goes your reputation, you know what I mean?!