*sigh* xMM Has Contacted Me Again

[SoxPrincess]

I guess I didn't set up enough barriers or told too many people my new email address and someone told him, but after EIGHTEEN months..he has contacted me again. I saw his name in my inbox and was instantly brought back to the place I was 18 months ago, I felt all the hurt..the pain and I KNOW I should have just deleted it, but I guess I was weak. Basically it said he wanted me to know that he thinks of me every single day, that he misses me desperately and wishes he could "hear my voice and see my pretty smile", that he loved me then..he loves me now and he will always love me and "as corny as this sounds maybe in our next life we'll get it right."

 

I'm sure my story is on here somewhere, but the condensed version is we were in an A for 11 months (both of us are married); we live in different states so it was "easy" to conceal the A..he would travel here occasionally or I traveled there, etc. It was a very heated, very passionate A and because both of our marriages were in very bad places..we made plans to leave our spouses and start a life together. During the Summer of 2006, I started questioning things because certain things he was telling me didn't add up..he had moved out, but wasn't progressing towards a divorce, he spent a lot of time at home when I wasn't in the area (he did have children but it felt like more than that). I started questioning him quite a bit, he got pissed off and said it wasn't going to work out..lots of typical MM words thrown around in the midst of it all. I asked if he was going to go back home (years & years before he met me or even knew I existed, he posted on a message board that we both were members at that he hated his W and wanted to get out) and he screamed at me that no matter what happened between us, he was never...ever moving back home. That night, while I was on a plane back to my home, he moved home.

 

I came home devastated and racked with a lot of guilt that I had been harboring for months. My children were at their Grandparents and I sat down & confessed the entire A to my Husband. We spent the whole night and days thereafter discussing it, I became completely transparent (gave up all my email passwords, got a new phone and phone #, agreed to start individual counseling and marriage counseling, answered any & all questions my H asked, etc). I also called his W while he was at work and told her about the A, this was a decision mutually agreed upon between my H & I and was not done in spite, but to get it all out in the open and to show my H that I was serious about NC and not getting back in the A. His W told me that she appreciated the call and that it explained a lot, she also told me that when he moved out that he told her it was temporary, there was never a divorce in the works, etc. and that pretty much rocked me to the core because I felt like a stupid ass for risking my M, hurting his W and basically acting & conducting myself like a lovestruck teen.

 

So why did the email upset me so much? In truth, I'm not 100% sure. I have no feelings toward him at all anymore..other than feeling ill when I think about the A and my part in hurting so many people. I immediately forwarded a copy of the email to my H (part of our agreement 18 months ago), he asked how I felt about it and I told him it pretty much made me sick but it also confused me because after I told his W, xMM sent threatening emails, said he hated me...yada yada yada. My H, who is truly a saint, talked me through it and we agreed to discuss it more in our next MC session. My marriage is 150% than it was before I had the A..we've come a looooong way and I am truly grateful that he has stayed with me and that I have a second chance because I know I don't deserve it.

 

I am obviously not going to respond & will change my email address again, but I do wonder why. After all this time, why bother? Are things bad in his M again and he's fishing around? Maybe he figures my M ended and I'd be sitting idly by waiting with baited breath for communication? I'm not sure what I'm looking for her, just "airing it out" I suppose, but this just reminded me that when you let someone else in your life that never should have been there that sometimes they just don't go away and it's something that can affect you for a very, very long time.

[Ocean-Blue]

SoxPrincess, you have an amazing husband!

 

Good for you for not responding to exMM's email. Don't even think about why he's emailing you. Just discard it and continue with the progress you've been making.

 

Count yourself lucky to have such a loving, caring man in your life. Compared to your H, your exMM comes off as scum.

[Lyssa]

I am obviously not going to respond & will change my email address again, but I do wonder why. After all this time, why bother? Are things bad in his M again and he's fishing around? Maybe he figures my M ended and I'd be sitting idly by waiting with baited breath for communication? I'm not sure what I'm looking for her, just "airing it out" I suppose, but this just reminded me that when you let someone else in your life that never should have been there that sometimes they just don't go away and it's something that can affect you for a very, very long time.

 

xMM is like a fly that won't go away!

 

I would have thought of the same thing if this happened to me - why all of a sudden an email from an ex? I reckon he is just trying his luck after 18 months.

 

Do you think his M could have ended, that is why he's emailing you now? I'm not too sure if he's that bold to email you after what you have told his W, then again some men are just bold and plain stupid.

 

Your H handled your A superbly - I'm glad you're both working at it and that your M is better than ever now.

[SoxPrincess]

SoxPrincess, you have an amazing husband!

 

Good for you for not responding to exMM's email. Don't even think about why he's emailing you. Just discard it and continue with the progress you've been making.

 

Count yourself lucky to have such a loving, caring man in your life. Compared to your H, your exMM comes off as scum.

 

I am very, very blessed Ocean-Blue and although it took a stupid ass move of me having an A to realize it, I'm just glad I did (realize it, not have the A lol). Once I sent the email to my H, I promptly deleted the email and opened up a new email account, so no worries on that front. The email hasn't weighed on me like it would have 18 months ago, but I can't say that it didn't occupy my mind at all today but now that I've talked about it, here and with my H, I know I can let it go.

 

xMM is like a fly that won't go away!

 

I would have thought of the same thing if this happened to me - why all of a sudden an email from an ex? I reckon he is just trying his luck after 18 months.

 

Do you think his M could have ended, that is why he's emailing you now? I'm not too sure if he's that bold to email you after what you have told his W, then again some men are just bold and plain stupid.

 

Your H handled your A superbly - I'm glad you're both working at it and that your M is better than ever now.

 

I know for a fact that he and his W are still together because we still belong to the same message board and although I very rarely post there, I've come across some of his messages. Honestly, I just think in some typical MM fashion, he has placated his W and is now seeking out another A. I'm assuming he figured I was waiting around for him and figured he'd try his chances with someone he was already with rather than try to seek out someone new. Either way, he no longer has any control or effect on my life; his M may still be in the crapper but mine isn't and I'm more committed to my H and my marriage than I ever have been. As I said, I'm thankful that my H has given me a second chance and in a million years I'd never do anything again that would jeopardize that.

 

It does piss me off though (which I guess mean it DID have an effect on me ha!); who the hell does he think he is?

[Lyssa]

I know for a fact that he and his W are still together because we still belong to the same message board and although I very rarely post there, I've come across some of his messages. Honestly, I just think in some typical MM fashion, he has placated his W and is now seeking out another A. I'm assuming he figured I was waiting around for him and figured he'd try his chances with someone he was already with rather than try to seek out someone new. Either way, he no longer has any control or effect on my life; his M may still be in the crapper but mine isn't and I'm more committed to my H and my marriage than I ever have been. As I said, I'm thankful that my H has given me a second chance and in a million years I'd never do anything again that would jeopardize that.

 

It does piss me off though (which I guess mean it DID have an effect on me ha!); who the hell does he think he is?

 

It is easier to seek out someone you were familiar with but really, why can't he just leave his M? Poor W! What a scumbag and gee whizz.. the nerve to contact you again?!

 

I can see that you're thankful and very blessed to have had a second chance and I believe your H truly loves you. How can any man top that, you know?

 

It would be nice if someone told him that your M is better than ever before and to leave you the bloody hell alone!

[SoxPrincess]

It is easier to seek out someone you were familiar with but really, why can't he just leave his M? Poor W! What a scumbag and gee whizz.. the nerve to contact you again?!

 

I can see that you're thankful and very blessed to have had a second chance and I believe your H truly loves you. How can any man top that, you know?

 

It would be nice if someone told him that your M is better than ever before and to leave you the bloody hell alone!

 

In most ways I feel horrible for his W, for the pain I caused her but also because her H is a huge L-O-S-E-R. However, she knew of our A and she chose to stay, presumably because he threw me under the bus and placated her, but there marriage has been bad for a long time and she deserves better. Of course, I don't know her, but I do know him and on that alone I say she deserves better.

 

In our marriage counseling sessions, our counselor has said that if he did ever contact me again to have my H call his W and inform her of what was going on so that he would never get in touch with me again. H & I discussed this at length and we decided that NC meant NC to us and there was no room in our marriage for anyone but us and I didn't want to put my H through that again and he didn't want to bring that pain back to me. xMM & I do have mutual friends and it would be easy for me to tell them what's going on and to let him know the contact is not appreciated, but again, that would be allowing xMM into my personal life again and that's not an option. Boy I sure wish I could though!! H & I decided today though that if he somehow contacts me again and in a repeated fashion, we have no problem sending a certified letter to him letting him know we will get a restraining order for harassment if we have to. I'm hoping it never comes to that as I've moved on, my H has moved on and we want to focus on our life, our children, our love and our marriage (we'll be celebrating our 10th Anniversary this August in St.Croix USVI by renewing our vows )

[Lishy]

You have an amazing husband!

[Tomcat33]

Hi Sox long time no see, so glad things worked out for your with your H and you managed to move on as you did.

 

why did he contact you? Clearly because he still loves you, he loved you then and those feelings dont' just die dispite doing what he had to do an staying in with his family, heck he might even love his W still but now that he worked things out with his W the feelings that he had for you are the ones that are unresolved now. I am not sure how it truly makes you feel but I am so happy to see that you told your H and you are convinced he is the one you want to be with and are doing everything you can to make your marriage better.

 

I wouldn't change my email address if I were you, running away from the situation is not making closure. I would respond and tell him what you want to tell him and end it with "please do not contact me anymore", and let your H see the letter. Two reasons why I suggest this

 

1. you make it clear to your H and YOURSELF and the MM you are 100% done with him.

 

2. you don't run away from the problem you face it head on and leave no room for misintrepretation from him in the future.

 

well ok I lied 3. you initate closure and you can finally completely close the door on your past

 

You know he loved you then you know he loves you now but you cannot be together, in the least it serves to prove to you that what you had/felt was real in terms of what the experience did to your ego and it really helps to move one when you feel that. It's one less issue to work through the "was I THAT out to lunch that I thought some loved me when they didn't?"

[Owl]

It sounds to me like the two of you (you and your H) have handled this whole situation pretty much textbook perfect in how you recover a marriage from an affair!

 

Seriously...you both should be proud of yourselves and the way you've recovered and managed things. And the fact that you were able to 'keep your word' about forwarding on that email to your H...again...this is a textbook example of all the right things to do!

 

DO change your email address. You know full well that if you don't, he's going to continue to send those "fishing expedition" emails...and all that will do is keep the drama and stress levels up there.

 

You've already given him an NC letter ages ago...there's no need for any further response or indication from you. Now, if your H decides to respond to MM or to MW...that's fine. But YOU need to continue to remain out of it...just as you've chosen to do.

 

Change your email addy...work with your H on the best way to deal with the situation (as far as contacting anyone further or not)...and keep up the awesome job of recovering your marriage!!!!

[Dominique]

Dear Sox,

 

I read your post with great interest and I admire your discipline and tenacity. Good job.

 

That said....I am going to dip my (pedicured, don't worry) toe into the water here, ever-so carefully, and say something you might not like:

 

You Have Feelings For Him.

 

Your statements: "I felt weak" and "Who the Hell does he think he is" do not show indifference. They show confusion and some anger which, methinks, are signals of some passion--even if we are talking low burning embers glowing their menacing orange glow underneath all the ashes...

 

Had you deleted the message, as in: "Sorry pal, been there, done that, no thanks"...That would have been that.

 

But. I think you are a bit flattered by the attention and that 18 months later, he is still thinking of you. Who wouldn't be?

 

I just hope that a series of events do not get underway which may "catch" you falling...without your knowing that you are (falling again...perhaps)

 

Is there passion in your marriage? Is there the intensity that you think you had missed before which had led you astray? I do not care what anyone thinks, but partnerships, however defined, need passion. Humans need it, so do marriages. I am not married, I hope to be one day, but I am in a terrible love triangle situation I posted about in the Friends and Lovers section sometime ago because this conflict was tearing me apart.

 

And so my question in brief: Do you think that you could fall vulnerable again, and are you prepared to thwart that possibility?

[SoxPrincess]

Dear Sox,

 

I read your post with great interest and I admire your discipline and tenacity. Good job.

 

That said....I am going to dip my (pedicured, don't worry) toe into the water here, ever-so carefully, and say something you might not like:

 

You Have Feelings For Him.

 

Your statements: "I felt weak" and "Who the Hell does he think he is" do not show indifference. They show confusion and some anger which, methinks, are signals of some passion--even if we are talking low burning embers glowing their menacing orange glow underneath all the ashes...

 

Had you deleted the message, as in: "Sorry pal, been there, done that, no thanks"...That would have been that.

 

But. I think you are a bit flattered by the attention and that 18 months later, he is still thinking of you. Who wouldn't be?

 

I just hope that a series of events do not get underway which may "catch" you falling...without your knowing that you are (falling again...perhaps)

 

Is there passion in your marriage? Is there the intensity that you think you had missed before which had led you astray? I do not care what anyone thinks, but partnerships, however defined, need passion. Humans need it, so do marriages. I am not married, I hope to be one day, but I am in a terrible love triangle situation I posted about in the Friends and Lovers section sometime ago because this conflict was tearing me apart.

 

And so my question in brief: Do you think that you could fall vulnerable again, and are you prepared to thwart that possibility?

 

Dominique,

 

Thank you for your response, your insight and your "pressing" questions. I always appreciate posts/messages that make me think and evaluate the situation more than I may have been or look at it from different directions.

 

You are 100% correct that I am not to the point of indifference yet. It's something that I am working very hard towards, both in my moments alone as well as in my individual counseling sessions. However, where you say I still have "feelings", I see it more as I am still healing from all the effects of the A (feeling played, self-esteem issues, hurting my H, hurting xMM's W, looking inside to figure out why I chose to do this, etc). I could easily just shove these "feelings" aside, but I don't think I'd ever heal properly that way. I do still deal with anger, guilt, resentment, sadness, depression..the gamut of emotions. So in a way, yes I still have feelings, but I absolutely do not think I'm vulnerable to falling back into this situation.

 

Flattered? Maybe a smidge, but not really. This man, although I did feel strongly towards him & used the word love, destroyed me. Maybe his feelings toward me were real and maybe at the time mine were for him, but they were based on lies, deceit, secrecy and nothing more than a "fantasy." I don't think he reached out to me because he thinks I'm the lost love of his life (maybe HE does think that but I don't think so), I think his M is in a bad place again and he grabbed for the first thing that was familiar to him. As I said in my previous posts, once I forwarded the message to my H (as we agreed upon), I deleted the email without responding and emptied the trash can so it's gone forever.

 

Is there passion in my marriage? I think there is, I think my H thinks there is; but we ARE still healing our marriage so everyday isn't filled with perfection. We still struggle, but we're working very hard and as I said previously, our marriage is 150% better than it was before I got involved with xMM. I feel that part of the passion xMM and I shared was real but I also know that A LOT of that came from the excitement of it all, the secrecy and the adrenaline. I am much happier & content having real passion, maybe not all of the time, than passion based on a stack of lies. My H & I have much better communication now on every level, we're more open to each other sexually, we make more time for one another, we don't just say " I love you " we show each other that we love one another and the excitement I get from that beats anything else ten fold.

 

Could I fall vulnerable again? If you asked me that 18 months ago or 12 months ago, I would have said "yes" without hesitation, but I don't feel that way at all now. I am "receiving", for lack of a better word, everything I need from my H..in every way possible..something that was lacking before. I was in a very bad place in my M when I met xMM, it didn't take much to suck me in and my world is completely different now.

 

I do thank you for your questions though because it made me think and evaluate things and that's something I value quite a bit.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi SoxPrincess.

 

I related so much to your post. My xMM moved out too but didn't move towards divorce. When I told him that I couldn't wait around any longer while he was obviously confused, and I left, he moved back in with his wife although he still claimed they were getting divorced. I am sure that like your xMM he never even told her he wanted to get divorced or if he did he vacillated. She undoubtedly thought it was temporary too, and she was right.

 

I am only about 4 months out and he still contacts me and tells me those things your xMM just told you -- he loves me and always will, and he says he's getting divorced and still wants to be with me. I don't know why they do this. I think they are not happy and they have these feelings for us that feel like love but honestly if it was really enough of the right kind of love, they would not still be married to someone else. So it's a confused kind of love -- like, 'what might have been' or 'what could be if I weren't married' and sometimes even 'i really really want this instead of my marriage' but sometimes it is obviously the other way, as they are still married. I also think that they are unhappy with their own life/ marriage so they come around to see if we still love them and are still waiting on them in any way. The same issues that led them to have an affair -- the desire to get attention, passion, ego-stroking, romantic "love" feelings, etc., lead them back when things are empty or boring in their marriage or in themselves.

 

You sound like you are happy in your marriage now, and you and your husband have done so much to repair it. Good for you both. I think you should try to stay focused on that because that is real love and real happiness/ contentment, even if it doesn't feel like the exciting passion of an affair.

 

You are lucky in that you know the facts of your xMM's situation. So many OW wonder, 'what is he telling his wife? Is he really getting divorced?' etc. Well you have the benefit of knowing what perhaps a lot of OW know deep down inside and/or are told by more objective observers of the situation: he never even started divorce proceedings, he was trying to hang on to both of you until he made up his mind or one of you made up his mind for him. (Just like my xMM... I'm sure he told his wife it was temporary and then when I realized he was not actively pursuing divorce in a timely fashion and left... there he went back to W, undoubtedly saying "okay, I've had my time to think, I'm still not completely sure (in case I came back, which is what he kept trying to get me to do), let's try to work on this a little more.")

 

So, you know deep down that that is not the kind of man you want. Your husband is the kind of man you want -- he shows you unconditional love and forgiveness and is there for you no matter what, even when you hurt him so badly. He is not wavering or indecisive. He does not take months and months to decide whether or not he wants to be with you badly enough -- he is right there all along. Perhaps that is why you have an attraction to xMM and the affair -- it is more out of your grasp, it is something you have to pursue and that you feel is pursuing you, instead of someone right there for you come hell or high water. I understand that mindset, I have it myself and I have to fight to remember not to take the really good things in life for granted and go after illusionary things that aren't really good for me.

 

Your amazing husband has been through so much hurt. Honestly I don't think he deserves having you write an email to xMM telling him any of your thoughts or feelings. I agree with most of the others that you should block your email and not let him have any more opportunity to contact you. Keep walking away from him because you know he drags you and your marriage down. You have done the right and the hard thing by being honest with your H and working on making your marriage better after this devastation. Don't do *anything* to invite that devastation back in even one little bit. Don't even respond to the email with "don't contact me" or "I'm doing great", because that lets xMM know you care enough to respond, that he's on your mind. Don't let him have that power over you and your marriage. Keep that power for you by blocking his email and leaving him to wonder if you ever got his message or why you didn't respond. If you have to, get a new email address and make sure he doesn't have a way to get it.

 

I know you have some feelings and attraction left for this man, but it's a neurotic desire you have for him, not a healthy one. I only say this because I know. This man is toxic to the stability of your marriage and to your emotional well-being -- look what he has done already!! So don't let him in at all. Act like he is a dangerous animal who needs to be kept in a cage. Don't let yourself go anywhere near the cage and don't find any ways, even little oopses, to slip him the keys because he's a smart animal who will figure out any way to get out and get to you if he can. You know that he was not happy for a long time (ever since he posted that message on the message board) and he is still not happy if he is contacting you. Don't let him drag you into his unhappiness again. Good luck to you, be strong and give your husband a deep tissue back massage (or whatever else you think will tickle his fancy ;-) and let him know how much he means to you and what an awesome guy he is.

[Lyssa]

In our marriage counseling sessions, our counselor has said that if he did ever contact me again to have my H call his W and inform her of what was going on so that he would never get in touch with me again. H & I discussed this at length and we decided that NC meant NC to us and there was no room in our marriage for anyone but us and I didn't want to put my H through that again and he didn't want to bring that pain back to me. xMM & I do have mutual friends and it would be easy for me to tell them what's going on and to let him know the contact is not appreciated, but again, that would be allowing xMM into my personal life again and that's not an option. Boy I sure wish I could though!! H & I decided today though that if he somehow contacts me again and in a repeated fashion, we have no problem sending a certified letter to him letting him know we will get a restraining order for harassment if we have to. I'm hoping it never comes to that as I've moved on, my H has moved on and we want to focus on our life, our children, our love and our marriage (we'll be celebrating our 10th Anniversary this August in St.Croix USVI by renewing our vows )

 

That is true - now that you're both working hard on your M, there isn't any room left for anyone else. I don't think I would give a damn anyway, if I was in your situation. I'd let xMM be. Deep down inside, I wish you could let him know though - just to set things straight but then again, you don't owe him that or anything at all.

 

Yup, restraining order should work! I'm not surprised if he finds out your new e-add, actually. If he did then I guess a restraining order will be heading his way!

 

Oh that is so romantic! Renewing your vows - I'm happy for you, SP!