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Leave the guy who left his wife for me?


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I just joined this forum. I'm twenty-something, attractive, and a pretty good girlfriend. But I'm committment-phobic, so affairs with married men have always seemed the perfect relationship for me. I have never, ever entered an affair wishing for a man to leave his wife and have ended more than one the first time that possibility was mentioned. And then there was the one that was different. Sigh. There's always one, isn't there? Anyhow, my current guy's wife found out about us. He took his time to decide whether he wanted to be with her or me. At that point, I believed myself in love with him (I sill do) and I wanted him to leave. At first, he planned to stay out of guilt. Then he told me he couldn't live without me. Much to my surprise, he left her. At first, we were both incredibly happy. He wanted to remain friends with her, a decision I supported. They have no children together but share interests and friends. After the initial euphoria began to fade, my guy began to feel guilty. He spent more and more time with her, letting her verbally berate him, to try and assuage his guilt. I stood by and tried to be understanding. They are separated, both legally and physically. He has recently disclosed to me that he's having second thoughts. At first, he indicated his second thoughts were all fueled by guilt but is now saying perhaps he still wants to be with her. After I asked, he admitted to me he hasn't been seeing her as a friend or humoring her because he feels guilty but rather dating her. He sees her as often as he sees me and talks to her at least as much. I have always been comfortable being the OW b/c it allowed me freedom to do as I pleased but also offered a secure source of adoration. It's an ego-trip to be viewed as a savior, the thing that keeps an unhappily married man from going crazy. I'm used to being worshipped and adored. I'm defnitely not used to competing for someone's attention or desire. I don't know what to do. I'm not happy with the situation. I don't know whether I've been patient enough to let whatever is going on play itself out or whether I should be.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience or have any suggestions to offer?

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I'm twenty-something, attractive, and a pretty good girlfriend.

 

But I'm committment-phobic, so affairs with married men have always seemed the perfect relationship for me.

 

They are separated, both legally and physically. He has recently disclosed to me that he's having second thoughts. At first, he indicated his second thoughts were all fueled by guilt but is now saying perhaps he still wants to be with her. After I asked, he admitted to me he hasn't been seeing her as a friend or humoring her because he feels guilty but rather dating her. He sees her as often as he sees me and talks to her at least as much.

 

I have always been comfortable being the OW b/c it allowed me freedom to do as I pleased but also offered a secure source of adoration. It's an ego-trip to be viewed as a savior, the thing that keeps an unhappily married man from going crazy. I'm used to being worshipped and adored. I'm defnitely not used to competing for someone's attention or desire.

 

Well since you asked for suggestions, I think you should take a long hard look at how you feel about yourself. It sounds like you have low self-esteem and that you look to married men to fill the void within yourself. Being worshipped and adored by a married man is not healthy -- it is healthier to adore and accept yourself for who you are, not for how a married man sees you (as an escape from his own problems... in this sense, he is using you).

 

You ask if you should leave the guy who "left his wife" for you. But honey this man never really left his wife -- yes, he separated from her but obviously still had emotional and obviously legal ties with her. I was in a similar situation at one point, so I understand how it feels like he was with YOU, but honestly, he was still married to her all along. Now he has even admitted he is "dating" her... but he was married to her all along and you were always the other woman. He was still fence sitting. My suggestion is stop settling to be the other woman. Honestly it doesn't even sound like you "love" this man like so many OW on here undyingly profess. What do you need him for? Stop using him as a self-esteem boost. Move on and let him work on the problems in his life and his marriage instead of using you for his escape. Move on and get to know and love yourself for who you are so that one day you can be happy in a real relationship and not one where you are just on the side of some married man's life.

 

I apologize if my advice sound harsh. You sound like a toughie who can handle some tough love advice.

Edited by nadiaj2727
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I just got out of a seven year affair with a married woman who seems to have been in the relationship with me for exactly the same motives as you.

 

I fed her ego. She is gorgeous and sexy and smart, well employed with her own money. I gave her what she wanted. I adored and worshipped her and we both played an "A" game with each other for nearly seven years. I loved her and believed that she loved me.

 

But she lied to me about loving me and lied to me about her intentions for a future with me.

 

She should have just stayed frank and honest and dealt with me on an "it is what it is" basis, leaving me to decide to be f-buddies, if I want, or to move, on if I wanted a serious relationship with someone else, who could give me what my MW promised, but never intended to provide.

 

So here you are, honest (at least with us readers in this forum) about being commitment phobic. Yet, you let things slip didn't you? You've gone and let him think things, or even maybe led him on some. You said, "I believed myself in love with him (I sill do)" . It sounds a lot like you've gone and made some promises, or at least implied some promises to your MM and now you're in some kind of conflicted difficulty over making som sort of commitment.

 

From my viewpoint, reading your post, you sound like you're not at all concerned about harm to him or his wife, but only concerned about yourself.

 

In my opinion, the sooner you return to being totally honest (maybe even ruthless) with him, let him know very clearly that you only want what you want and nothing else matters to you, that you do NOT want to follow through with any commitment to him, the less damage you'll do to him and his wife, in the long run. But that's if their well being is any concern to you.

 

He might have some problem figuring out what he wants, but you're the one asking for suggestions.

 

Just my opinion for what it's worth. He

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From my viewpoint, reading your post, you sound like you're not at all concerned about harm to him or his wife, but only concerned about yourself.

 

In my opinion, the sooner you return to being totally honest (maybe even ruthless) with him, let him know very clearly that you only want what you want and nothing else matters to you, that you do NOT want to follow through with any commitment to him, the less damage you'll do to him and his wife, in the long run. But that's if their well being is any concern to you.

 

I completely agree with you both about the tone of her post (not at all concerned with MM or his BS, only herself) as well as your advice. I would also add, OP, that the first step is to be totally honest with yourself. Why are you really with MM? Is it love, or a desire to feed your ego? Why do you need to be with MMs to feed your ego? Etc.

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whichwayisup
I'm used to being worshipped and adored. I'm defnitely not used to competing for someone's attention or desire

 

But you put yourself in that situation by getting involved with a MM. Sorry, but if you don't want competition and you also are a committment phobe - There are lots of single men who are looking for the same thing as you. Fun times, and no deep committment.

 

You involved yourself in an affair and he left his wife for you. Now he's having second thoughts, the 'honeymoon phase' of your A is over, reality is setting in, and it seems he misses what he had with his wife, hense dating her and being with her again.

 

I'm not sure what it is you want? Him to divorce and be with you all the time, or for your A to end. You have said one thing and then said another so I"m not sure where your mind is.

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I don't think you love this man and based on what you've written I can't envision you being happy with him in the long term. Let him go and work on your own issues for a time. Why do you feel you can't be adored unless it is with a married person who is lying and cheating in the process of "adoring" you? I think your focus should be on YOU not on him. He was just a convenient passer by that jolted you into a state of heightened awareness. It is time to grow and change and it will be for the good.

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Sounds more like Trophy Mistress.

 

And if in any given case, this MM stayed with you... how disposable was he?

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I just joined this forum. I'm twenty-something, attractive, and a pretty good girlfriend. But I'm committment-phobic, so affairs with married men have always seemed the perfect relationship for me.

 

I understand being committment phobic, but I in now way would infringe on someone elses commitment.

 

Yes I know, if it wasn't you it would be some other woman since the MM is a cheating dog. But why help tear that down for someone else just because you have that phobia?

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I know my first post wasn't a model of clarity. I meant to explain my background - that this isn't my first affair but it's the first time I've ever wanted a man to leave his wife. I have always been committment-phobic but am really very comfortable with the idea of this man being "it'' for me. I would never have asked him to choose me if I had not been certain I wanted to commit to him. And that's precisely what I've done. It has required some delicate job arrangements and sacrifices, but I have essentially arranged my life to remain with him long-term.

I am very concerned with his well-being as well as my own. He had previously felt so certain about his decision, but now he is faltering. I have wondered if it would be kinder to him to make his decision an easier one by leaving him. I have also wondered to what extent I'm compromising my self-respect by staying with a man who is ambivalent about whether to stay with me or go back to his wife. This part of the scenario is all new for me, and I'm really not sure what to do. I'm terrified to tell my friends what the situation really is because then if things work out between us, my friends will probably dislike him forever. I appreciate the advice already offered but felt it might help if I clarified a few things.

I guess the point is that I've evolved beyond the shallow reasons I preferred affairs to begin with, but now that he's not sure he should have left, I'm just not sure what to do. So far, I've decided to be patient and understanding and help him when he asks for it and give him space when he needs it. But I'm not sure whether I'm doing the right thing.

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phoenixgirl

DrIndigo, I'm kind of in a similar situation - well, I'd never been in an A before and I *know* I have feelings for my xMM, but the resulting storyline is the same, minus him going back to date her. He moved out, we were together, now he's contemplating moving back. He feels guilty as a result of D-Day and has never dealt with that guilt, and of course she has verbally berated him ever since (and harassed me ever since as well).

 

Here's what I'm doing, and I AM NOT telling you that this is what you SHOULD DO, I'm only saying that after much support on these boards and help from others this is what I decided to do: I stepped back. I told him that I couldn't be with him at this time no matter how much I loved him because of my own guilt and issues with being the OW, and because I'm just not content with BEING the OW anymore; and that he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted, and the freedom to follow through with that without worrying about me. I made sure that he understood that I wasn't going to be sitting around waiting for him, but that if "someday" happened and if I was still available (and so inclined), we could try "us" again. But I'm working on trying not to hinge my hope on that (it's a process). And to start this healing process for me, we're NC (No Contact), which makes withdrawing from him and focusing on myself away from him easier in some ways and devilishly hard in others.

 

Hence, the reason why I'm here. :D

 

Again, I'm not saying this is what you should do - you need to do what's best for YOU. But it's an option, and one that I think many of us on this board are utilizing, or trying to utilize. Hope that helps...?

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whichwayisup
I have wondered if it would be kinder to him to make his decision an easier one by leaving him.

 

It would be easier on you. I mean, if 6 months go by and he divorces, better him divorcing because their marriage didn't make it WITHOUT you in the picture. Also, by going NC (no contact) it will force him to either fix his marriage or end it. If you are waiting in the wings for him, he won't choose, he'll just keep the A going and continue with his marriage.

 

I have also wondered to what extent I'm compromising my self-respect by staying with a man who is ambivalent about whether to stay with me or go back to his wife

 

If he can cheat on his wife and kids, then he can cheat on you.

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