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Should I tell the W?


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Classy Lady

I have written a prior thread here, to make a long story short. Having an affair for 3 1/2 years, he left her to be with me, I was very happy & now he went back to his W. And....yes I'm still with him (you can read the details on my other thread). Now this is my dilema....I'm still with him, still love him with all my heart, but hate the fact that he has continued as if nothing has happened. And she the W, has no idea of the 3 1/2 years with me, she did find out but probably thinks it was just a cheap affair. I hate the fact that he is living this double life (and I know it was I who placed myself in this position), but should I tell the W? How long we were and still are together? How everyone (friends, his family, my fam.) knew all these years except her? How could this be,you may ask....Well we live in different states, close enough but also far enough to have kept it quiet. After making it to an open R with him, I now have a 9 to 5, Mon - Friday A. And she has no idea this ever happened. Should I tell her?

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PandorasBox
I have written a prior thread here, to make a long story short. Having an affair for 3 1/2 years, he left her to be with me, I was very happy & now he went back to his W. And....yes I'm still with him (you can read the details on my other thread). Now this is my dilema....I'm still with him, still love him with all my heart, but hate the fact that he has continued as if nothing has happened. And she the W, has no idea of the 3 1/2 years with me, she did find out but probably thinks it was just a cheap affair. I hate the fact that he is living this double life (and I know it was I who placed myself in this position), but should I tell the W? How long we were and still are together? How everyone (friends, his family, my fam.) knew all these years except her? How could this be,you may ask....Well we live in different states, close enough but also far enough to have kept it quiet. After making it to an open R with him, I now have a 9 to 5, Mon - Friday A. And she has no idea this ever happened. Should I tell her?

 

 

Just a few questions to ask yourself first.

 

One, how do you know for sure she doesn't know? There are many Wives who know. Then again she may not know.

 

Second, what do you feel you will gain by telling her? What will you get from it?

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Your motivations for telling her seem to be that you will be recognized by her as important in his life. You already said that everyone else knows about your relationship... why is it so important to you that she knows, too? You do realize that she will be very hurt by this information, right? So does your desire that she know about you outweigh your desire to not hurt her? I am not trying to be mean but it sounds like your motivations for telling her are primarily selfish, and following that desire will just hurt you more.

 

Honestly I know it's hard but it sounds like he's made his choice. He wants to continue to stay married to her. Why make your life any more painful by continuing to be the OW when that's not what you really want? And why make her life more painful by telling her? (I think he should tell her and I think she will eventually find out... it just shouldn't come from you because that will be the most painful option for both you and her).

 

I think you should concentrate on yourself and what you want (not in fantasy but in reality, now that he has gone back home) instead of on his wife. Being positive and strong will start your path to healing. Being negative about her and doing things with semi-selfish motiviations will continue to hurt you.

 

I feel for you, your situation is really really crappy. But I hope you start realizing that you no longer want to be apart of it in any way, shape or form. Do you think you could try cutting your losses and moving on without MM?

 

Best wishes.

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american-woman

The wife does have a right to know if YOU tell her that is up to you. Why you are still seeing the MM when he chose to go back to his wife is beyond me. He is a cake eater. You must know by now he will never leave her. What do you expect the outcome of this to be?

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Classy Lady

I know your all right in the sense that I would be hurting her, selfish me? Maybe, but my intentions in asking to tell the W is not to hurt her, but not to let him get away with it, maybe to hurt him as he has me. And yes....there is no way of knowing she knows everything, but his way back home was so suave that it draws me to that conclusion. And I guess your right, maybe eventually she will hear all the truth, maybe it should not be from me. Meanwhile; I should just concentrate in letting go for good.

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"but not to let him get away with it."

 

 

*He already has.

 

 

 

 

"Meanwhile; I should just concentrate in letting go for good. "

 

 

*Might be for the best. I'm sure it would be hard, but maybe take one day at a time. Don't you feel you deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you, that doesn't have to keep things a secret? Someone that can give all of themselves to you and you only, without you playing second fiddle to a another person?

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child_of_isis

Most likely if you tell her, he will deny you.

 

If he does deny you or trivializes the affair.... this sends the message to her that you aren't important to him.

 

Hang on to your heart for a minute because I am going to give you the cold hard facts of life...

 

You are not as important to him as his W, his home, his M is.

 

The sooner you face this fact, the sooner you can move on.

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I know your all right in the sense that I would be hurting her, selfish me? Maybe, but my intentions in asking to tell the W is not to hurt her, but not to let him get away with it, maybe to hurt him as he has me. And yes....there is no way of knowing she knows everything, but his way back home was so suave that it draws me to that conclusion. And I guess your right, maybe eventually she will hear all the truth, maybe it should not be from me. Meanwhile; I should just concentrate in letting go for good.

 

It is good that you recognize all these things and you are being honest with yourself. I did not mean to imply that you're a selfish person... just hurting. You sound like a good person and I believe you will find your way out of this mess.

 

If you're doing it to hurt MM, well, your goal will be accomplished! You also have to realize that he will probably never see you again -- telling his wife is an almost sure way to make him hate you and to shatter the allure of the affair for good. Are you prepared for that? If you're really prepared for the affair to end once and for all-- good for you! But do it yourself and know that you had the strength and the integrity to walk away from him after he chose his wife -- not because he cut you out of his life after you hurt him (and his wife) by telling her. That's why I say cut your losses and move on and think about you and your own life, not him anymore and not his wife, and not anything about his life.

 

And yes you will hurt his wife and you really have to think about that too. Not only is she hearing ithis horribly bad news, but the messenger is the person who helped inflict the hurt she is feeling! She will definitely doubt your motives and think you are very self-centered. The only way it might actually help her instead of hurt her (and the same for you, I think) is if you do it in a remorseful way. Are you remorseful? It doesn't sound like it yet -- it sounds like you are more hurting/ bitter. That's okay, it just means you probably shouldn't tell someone this kind of news when you yourself are hurting so badly. The only reason you yourself should be telling someone you did something to hurt them is to confess and apologize.

 

I'm a big believer in the wife should know/ I would want to know, even if it comes from OW. I understand the mentality not to let him "get away" with something hurtful. But you participated in the hurtful affair, which hurt his wife AND you in the process!

 

Maybe one day you will get to a place where you realize that you should not have been with this man because he is married and because your actions hurt his wife/ family as well as yourself. This is a strange place to be, because it means you have recognized the consequences of your actions, which is necessary to move on and make better decisions in the future, which is obviously a good thing. At the same time, it's filled with a lot of guilt and wondering "how could I have done that?" and being upset with yourself, which is a bad (but necessary, I think) thing. It doesn't sound like you're there yet and that's okay, that's normal. At this point you should focus on yourself and your own healing. It is no time to be creating more pain and hurt for the wife, or later, when you reach the guilt and self-directed anger stage, you will feel even worse.

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Classy Lady

Wow Child of Isis.....Straight to the point, and what really hurts, is that your absolutly right. But you know what....easier said than done. : (

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Let’s say you tell her ... and by some miracle she decides not to forgive him this time and kicks him out for good. He’s broke and homeless and has nowhere to go except to mooch off of you.

 

Would you really feel any better about yourself if you had to win a man’s favor by default ... simply because you made sure you cut off his options? And could you be happy with someone who was only with you because he felt he had no other choice (like his wife) ... or would you prefer a REAL man who was with you because he genuinely cared enough to make you his first priority no matter what it cost him?

 

Your happiness, strength and dignity doesn’t rest on forcing her to give up the boobie prize. Or blackmailing him into making a choice he would rather not make in your behalf if left to decide for himself. YOU are the one who needs to find the courage and intestinal fortitude to let go of this half-hearted loser for YOU. Nobody can do that for you. And any man (or woman for that matter) that you must “compete” for with another lover isn’t worth your time and trouble. In the end, winning the game usually becomes more important than the person you’re actually fighting over. After all, if it were REAL love ... there would be no contest. And if you have to manipulate and play hardball with someone in order to be treated in the manner you honestly deserve ... than the only one who’s going about the relationship thing all wrong is you. :(

 

I think you and every single one of us out there deserves a helluva lot better treatment from someone who claims to “love” us. Don’t you? :confused:

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I know your all right in the sense that I would be hurting her, selfish me? Maybe, but my intentions in asking to tell the W is not to hurt her, but not to let him get away with it, maybe to hurt him as he has me. And yes....there is no way of knowing she knows everything, but his way back home was so suave that it draws me to that conclusion. And I guess your right, maybe eventually she will hear all the truth, maybe it should not be from me. Meanwhile; I should just concentrate in letting go for good.

 

Your 3-1/2 years will become 7 years before you know it!

Then you'll be wondering why you enabled this so long when you knew it was not good for you.

 

You already have control over him getting away with it.

- If you keep seeing him, he'll keep getting away with it.

- If you stop seeing him, he's no longer getting away with it.

 

But what about YOU?

You're doing something that you know is not good for you.

Start concentrating on things that are healthy for you.

 

Yes! It's easier said than done.

It will take work and maybe even some professional help.

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Classy Lady

Thank you all for your advise. I think listening to what you all say will be the begining of the strengh I need to move on. I have heard a lot from family and friends but when you hear it from a neutral point of view, it really helps me emotionally.

 

PS. It's working, he just called and I said couldn't talk, I was busy. I would never do that, when he called I would drop everything for him. Seem like nothing but it's a start!

 

I just keep thinking of everything said here (which I felt already) and it starts to give me that strengh I desperately need!

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I ask myself the same question. First ask him to tell her, and give him reasons Why he should tell her. It's clear to me and probably to you too, that he left her to be with you, and went back to her--but is still with you. The least he owes the woman is the truth--not the whole truth, but some of it at least. My question for you is, why are you still in this A after he left you to go back to his W? I would think that's the deal breaker right there.

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Thank you all for your advise. I think listening to what you all say will be the begining of the strengh I need to move on. I have heard a lot from family and friends but when you hear it from a neutral point of view, it really helps me emotionally.

 

PS. It's working, he just called and I said couldn't talk, I was busy. I would never do that, when he called I would drop everything for him. Seem like nothing but it's a start!

 

I just keep thinking of everything said here (which I felt already) and it starts to give me that strengh I desperately need!

 

Good for you for not talking to him. Be busy working on yourself from here on out. I am really proud of you for your start. :)

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First ask him to tell her, and give him reasons Why he should tell her. It's clear to me and probably to you too, that he left her to be with you, and went back to her--but is still with you. The least he owes the woman is the truth--not the whole truth, but some of it at least. My question for you is, why are you still in this A after he left you to go back to his W? I would think that's the deal breaker right there.

 

He isn't going to tell her. That would be ideal, but he is a coward who is not going to change his mind just because his other woman asks him to tell his wife about her.

 

Why doesn't he owe her the whole truth?

 

Anyway this is all a big moot point. It is very very very unlikely that he will tell her. But what he does or doesn't do shouldn't be a concern to Classy Lady. You are right G that he went back to his wife and she needs to realize that and move on and stop letting him have his cake on the side. She needs to focus on herself and bettering her own life without MM in it. That means not debating internally whether or not he told her and why and what will happen etc. She needs to try to banish him and his messed-up situation from her head and work on making a brighter future for herself.

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Many may disagree with me but I say tell her. Not for the reasons that you want to, but for her sake. From my point of view, the choices I made would have been the same no matter how I found out. If you tell the wife, it just gives her a chance to decide what is best for her. The OP won't get what she wants out of it, but like I said for the wife's sake, please tell her as soon as possible. It's the fair thing to do since the wife seems to be the only one not knowing the truth about her own life.

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Let’s say you tell her ... and by some miracle she decides not to forgive him this time and kicks him out for good. He’s broke and homeless and has nowhere to go except to mooch off of you.

 

Would you really feel any better about yourself if you had to win a man’s favor by default ... simply because you made sure you cut off his options? And could you be happy with someone who was only with you because he felt he had no other choice (like his wife) ... or would you prefer a REAL man who was with you because he genuinely cared enough to make you his first priority no matter what it cost him?

 

Your happiness, strength and dignity doesn’t rest on forcing her to give up the boobie prize. Or blackmailing him into making a choice he would rather not make in your behalf if left to decide for himself. YOU are the one who needs to find the courage and intestinal fortitude to let go of this half-hearted loser for YOU. Nobody can do that for you. And any man (or woman for that matter) that you must “compete” for with another lover isn’t worth your time and trouble. In the end, winning the game usually becomes more important than the person you’re actually fighting over. After all, if it were REAL love ... there would be no contest. And if you have to manipulate and play hardball with someone in order to be treated in the manner you honestly deserve ... than the only one who’s going about the relationship thing all wrong is you. :(

 

I think you and every single one of us out there deserves a helluva lot better treatment from someone who claims to “love” us. Don’t you? :confused:

 

Whoa, Enigma... You're so right about this. This hits home very much... but oh well! A little late to recycle your line!

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PS. It's working, he just called and I said couldn't talk, I was busy. I would never do that, when he called I would drop everything for him. Seem like nothing but it's a start!

 

 

 

And he didnt drop ish for you... so hold on to that one too and added to your strenght pot. Don't waste your life.. you only get one!

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Many may disagree with me but I say tell her. Not for the reasons that you want to, but for her sake. From my point of view, the choices I made would have been the same no matter how I found out. If you tell the wife, it just gives her a chance to decide what is best for her. The OP won't get what she wants out of it, but like I said for the wife's sake, please tell her as soon as possible. It's the fair thing to do since the wife seems to be the only one not knowing the truth about her own life.

 

I agree that the wife should know what is going on with her own marriage and her own life. That is my basic stance on telling the wife always although I have never been a BS and I have heard BS go both ways -- some wouldn't want to know at all, some wouldn't want to hear it from OW, some would want to know no matter how they found out. I am a person who wants to know the truth no matter how much it hurts (so by the same token I feel I should give people the truth). If I were a BS I would want to know from OW or however. I'm not a BS though so I have trouble saying that -- I'm glad to hear it from a BS whose point of view I really admire.

 

I also agree that Classy Lady will not get what she wants out of this -- he will hate her for telling his wife and most likely the affair will end. But in the end it will be good for Classy Lady to not be with this scumbag anymore. So maybe telling is the best solution for everyone. Temporarily it will bring more pain and drama into Classy Lady's life so for her sake I say be strong on her own and move on without being involved in their life anymore. But for the wife's sake I say tell. Since this is the OW forum and Classy Lady is an OW, I guess I am torn as to what to advise her, except to stop the affair with MM by whatever means possible and to do whatever gives her the most genuine peace and healing in her heart. Of course I can't help but consider the wife in this equation though -- she should know.

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And he didnt drop ish for you... so hold on to that one too and added to your strenght pot. Don't waste your life.. you only get one!

 

Add it to your "strength pot"... I like that phrase Mimi!!

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Many may disagree with me but I say tell her. Not for the reasons that you want to, but for her sake. From my point of view, the choices I made would have been the same no matter how I found out. If you tell the wife, it just gives her a chance to decide what is best for her. The OP won't get what she wants out of it, but like I said for the wife's sake, please tell her as soon as possible. It's the fair thing to do since the wife seems to be the only one not knowing the truth about her own life.

 

 

I'm sorry but this is almost as bad as homicide. LOL!

What is best for the W is in the OW hands to decide??? please! that is hypocritical!!! Care about yourself at this point... you didnt care about his W when the A was on and poppin- keep it moving.

The W eventually will now the truth on her own. Nothing is forever hidden.

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I'm sorry but this is almost as bad as homicide. LOL!

What is best for the W is in the OW hands to decide??? please! that is hypocritical!!! Care about yourself at this point... you didnt care about his W when the A was on and poppin- keep it moving.

The W eventually will now the truth on her own. Nothing is forever hidden.

 

Hey, I was just answering the question from my point of view. The truth is the truth and if you are going to tell the truth it will have an effect on everyone involved. All I'm saying is that she should tell, but in my opinion for a different reason than she has stated. If she wants to tell so that the MM won't get away with it, if that works for her then I say go for it.

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I agree that the wife should know what is going on with her own marriage and her own life. That is my basic stance on telling the wife always although I have never been a BS and I have heard BS go both ways -- some wouldn't want to know at all, some wouldn't want to hear it from OW, some would want to know no matter how they found out. I am a person who wants to know the truth no matter how much it hurts (so by the same token I feel I should give people the truth). If I were a BS I would want to know from OW or however. I'm not a BS though so I have trouble saying that -- I'm glad to hear it from a BS whose point of view I really admire.

 

I also agree that Classy Lady will not get what she wants out of this -- he will hate her for telling his wife and most likely the affair will end. But in the end it will be good for Classy Lady to not be with this scumbag anymore. So maybe telling is the best solution for everyone. Temporarily it will bring more pain and drama into Classy Lady's life so for her sake I say be strong on her own and move on without being involved in their life anymore. But for the wife's sake I say tell. Since this is the OW forum and Classy Lady is an OW, I guess I am torn as to what to advise her, except to stop the affair with MM by whatever means possible and to do whatever gives her the most genuine peace and healing in her heart. Of course I can't help but consider the wife in this equation though -- she should know.

 

 

But question for Classy Lady... Do you really want to unravel the mess once you tell his wife? 1. you are not going to be seeing as the good samaritan 2. the conversation with his W can go so bad, that you are going to end up feeling very bad about yourself.

So be careful with what you decide and if you decide to do so, be ready to feel the heat.

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Hey, I was just answering the question from my point of view. The truth is the truth and if you are going to tell the truth it will have an effect on everyone involved. All I'm saying is that she should tell, but in my opinion for a different reason than she has stated. If she wants to tell so that the MM won't get away with it, if that works for her then I say go for it.

 

 

I know where you coming from... but that will be out of spite to tell his wife so he doesn't get away with it. Think about this- if the A was all sweet and dandy, you think classy Lady would be urging to tell his W, so he wouldn't get away with cheating?

Sounds more like she doesn't want him to get away with leaving her and being with his W.

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I know where you coming from... but that will be out of spite to tell his wife so he doesn't get away with it. Think about this- if the A was all sweet and dandy, you think classy Lady would be urging to tell his W, so he wouldn't get away with cheating?

Sounds more like she doesn't want him to get away with leaving her and being with his W.

 

I think you are right, that is exactly why she wants to tell. So if all she wants is some revenge on the MM at least in my thinking some good will come out of it in the long run for the wife. No question it will cause pain, but IMO it's more devastating to not know.

 

I think we actually agree on this in some ways. I know that most OW who call the MM don't do it for the well being of the wife, but if the information helps the wife make decisions about her own life, that is a very warped silver lining, I hope I'm making sense here.

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