ready to cross the line

[taylor]

I posted on loveshack over a year ago when I was going through a really rough time with a break-up. Everyone was so supportive and helped me get through something I know I couldn't have gotten through alone. I am very happy today....however, I have a friend who could use some advice.

 

My friend's name is tonya. She is 32 years old and married for 10 years. She met a 30 year old man at work and fell in love. She has been having an emotional affair for about 7 months. She and the OM have not crossed any lines physically. The OM ended a relationship he was in with a live-in girlfriend in early January and let Tonya know how he really felt about her in February. They both told each other then that they had thought many times about crossing the line but did not because of her husband and because they work together.

 

Tonya told me she loves her husband but her marriage has been lacking in many respects: intimacy (emotional), excitement, attention, laughter, romance. She said he is a workaholic and is married first to his job. She said, "I feel lonely and empty inside. I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel needed. I am surrounded by beautiful things but not by the man I fell in love with and married. He doesn't realize I need him..not all this stuff."

 

She and her husband have grown distant and they have been trying for about 5 years to make it work. She said this past year she "checked out" of the marriage emotionally and has been running from her marriage, focusing on other people to fill emotional needs. She didn't plan on falling in love with someone at work but admits her vulnerability left herself open to it.

 

I asked Tonya if she would ever consider leaving her husband for the OM. She said her husband gives her 80 percent of what she needs in her marriage (I'm not talking about material things). The OM gives her the other 20 percent - but a very important 20 percent that she has been starving for for 5 years.

 

The OM is not pushing Tonya. He is trying to respect her marriage even though he allowed himself to develop feelings for her and has said she is the only woman he as ever had such a special connection with. He was also very vulnerable when they met, trying to piece his life back together after a divorce 3 years ago.

 

Just 2 weeks ago, the OM took another job for financial reasons. THis has significantly reduced their contact with each other since their relationship was strictly confined to "the office." But since then, they have started to talk on the phone and have met for lunch a couple times...so it has moved outside the office...still nothing physical. She said, "We miss the closeness. We miss the connection."

 

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to let go of the OM but she knows she will have to for her marriage to survive. But she isn't sure if she can settle for the 80 percent, knowing now what it feels like to have the other 20 percent she has been missing for so long.

 

What should she do? Any insight would be helpful.

 

I don't judge my friend for her feelings. She wants to do the right thing for everyone, but knows that is next to impossible...

[Owl]

She should talk to her H, work with him to help him learn how to meet the other 20%. And make it clear to him how important meeting that 20% is to her...

 

Marriage counselling works wonders for this kind of thing, especially if you get one that knows how to recover a marriage from infidelity.

 

She also needs to break it off with OM...because for as long as he's meeting that 20%, her H will never have the CHANCE to meet it. Additionally, she's going to start meeting less and less of her H's needs...which adds EVEN MORE stress and strain on their marriage.

 

This is simple...its not EASY, but its SIMPLE. As in...not complicated. She ends it with OM, she talks with her H about the needs he's not meeting, and she INSISTS on MC to help them rescue their marriage. Simple.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her to come post here. Tell her to read other threads and gain insight.

 

Basically she wants to have her husband (money, lifestyle, house, familiar routine) and she wants to have a side dish. She's very selfish and it's cruel what she's doing ON purpose to her husband. She has to decide to either end her marriage or fix it, reguardless of the OM. The OM has changed his life for her, in hopes that she'll go to him.....(She should read stampdaddy and cagney's threads so she can see what she is doing to TWO men, not just one.)

 

Anyway, tell your friend not to sleep with the OM, to fix her own life first.

[twice_shy]

I asked Tonya if she would ever consider leaving her husband for the OM. She said her husband gives her 80 percent of what she needs in her marriage (I'm not talking about material things). The OM gives her the other 20 percent - but a very important 20 percent that she has been starving for for 5 years.

 

Then your friend needs to get a divorce and never marry again. Newsflash. NOBODY will give 100% of what their SO is looking for. I'm not saying that people can't be completely satisfied, but there is always going to be something that a SO doesn't do that anyone could find anywhere else.

 

So if she is the type to go looking elsewhere because things aren't perfect, then she isn't fit to be anyone's wife.

 

 

Just 2 weeks ago, the OM took another job for financial reasons. THis has significantly reduced their contact with each other since their relationship was strictly confined to "the office." But since then, they have started to talk on the phone and have met for lunch a couple times...so it has moved outside the office...still nothing physical. She said, "We miss the closeness. We miss the connection."

 

 

I don't believe for one minute that if they have met in person that nothing physical EVER happened. You can believe, even if it was as simple as kissing, that something happened.

 

 

She doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to let go of the OM but she knows she will have to for her marriage to survive. But she isn't sure if she can settle for the 80 percent, knowing now what it feels like to have the other 20 percent she has been missing for so long.

 

 

She should get divorced and never get married again. Cuz nothing is ever gonna be as good as it could be for this woman.

 

What should she do? Any insight would be helpful.

 

I don't judge my friend for her feelings. She wants to do the right thing for everyone, but knows that is next to impossible...

 

If she wants to do the right thing for everyone involved, she would get a divorce. Because she is NEVER going to be satisfied in a marriage and that isn't fair to the husband.

[taylor]

Hi. This is Tonya. Thank you for all your replies.

 

I want you to know that I have never even looked at another man - not in 10 years of marriage. And I pray every day for God to give me guidance and strength and wisdom to know what to do. It is because of my spiritual beliefs that I have not entered a physical relationship with the OM. I know you won't believe this but we haven't even held hands. Not that we haven't wanted to - just too many eyes at work. My desire for this man is eating me up inside but I have managed to practice self-control even though my body is screaming for him.

 

The worst part is the emotional attachment I have to him. I have fallen in love with him. He consumes my every thought. I care deeply about him. I hang on his every word. I hold my breath until I hear from him again.

 

My husband is a good man. He is a hard worker. But our marriage has been dead for 5 years. I feel dead inside. THe OM awakened feelings in me I haven't felt in 5 years. I feel alive - 32 instead of 92. I don't feel lonely anymore. I don't feel dead inside. I feel good about myself.

 

My husband and I barely talk about anything accept the bills and what's for dinner. The OM and I talk about everything - dreams, hopes, fears, everything in our hearts...and we laugh - something I haven't done in 5 years. There is instant connection when we look into each other's eyes.

 

My husband hasn't gone up to bed with me in 3 years. I lay in bed at night wanting someone to hold me. He would rather look at a newspaper then in my eyes. All day long I hear from my husband, "You better do this, you ought to do that, you should do this." From the OM, I hear, "I need you, I admire you, I like this about you, You make me so happy."

 

When my husband and I do make love, about twice a month, that's all I think about is the OM and I pretend it's him touching me. God help me.

 

I know I should end it with the OM. I don't want to hurt him. I didn't lead him on..he pursued me and I didn't stop him. But ending it with him is going to feel like cutting my right arm off. It already feels like my heart is being torn from my chest.

 

The OM is taking things very slowly and causeously. He doesn't want to get hurt (he's been hurt by 2 other women in the past 3 years)or get some husband knocking at his door.

 

If I break everything off with the OM or he does with me (which is more likely) then what is left. A dead marriage that I don't know if there is any hope of reviving. I am not even sure if I want to try anymore. I've been trying half of my married life.

 

My husband knows about the EA. He says he is committed to working on the marriage. He is trying to make up for lost time, but it feels like too little too late.

 

I don't know how to turn this around...or if it can be...

[Elena62]

Hi. This is Tonya. Thank you for all your replies.

 

I want you to know that I have never even looked at another man - not in 10 years of marriage. And I pray every day for God to give me guidance and strength and wisdom to know what to do. It is because of my spiritual beliefs that I have not entered a physical relationship with the OM. I know you won't believe this but we haven't even held hands. Not that we haven't wanted to - just too many eyes at work. My desire for this man is eating me up inside but I have managed to practice self-control even though my body is screaming for him.

 

The worst part is the emotional attachment I have to him. I have fallen in love with him. He consumes my every thought. I care deeply about him. I hang on his every word. I hold my breath until I hear from him again.

 

My husband is a good man. He is a hard worker. But our marriage has been dead for 5 years. I feel dead inside. THe OM awakened feelings in me I haven't felt in 5 years. I feel alive - 32 instead of 92. I don't feel lonely anymore. I don't feel dead inside. I feel good about myself.

 

My husband and I barely talk about anything accept the bills and what's for dinner. The OM and I talk about everything - dreams, hopes, fears, everything in our hearts...and we laugh - something I haven't done in 5 years. There is instant connection when we look into each other's eyes.

 

My husband hasn't gone up to bed with me in 3 years. I lay in bed at night wanting someone to hold me. He would rather look at a newspaper then in my eyes. All day long I hear from my husband, "You better do this, you ought to do that, you should do this." From the OM, I hear, "I need you, I admire you, I like this about you, You make me so happy."

 

When my husband and I do make love, about twice a month, that's all I think about is the OM and I pretend it's him touching me. God help me.

 

I know I should end it with the OM. I don't want to hurt him. I didn't lead him on..he pursued me and I didn't stop him. But ending it with him is going to feel like cutting my right arm off. It already feels like my heart is being torn from my chest.

 

The OM is taking things very slowly and causeously. He doesn't want to get hurt (he's been hurt by 2 other women in the past 3 years)or get some husband knocking at his door.

 

If I break everything off with the OM or he does with me (which is more likely) then what is left. A dead marriage that I don't know if there is any hope of reviving. I am not even sure if I want to try anymore. I've been trying half of my married life.

 

My husband knows about the EA. He says he is committed to working on the marriage. He is trying to make up for lost time, but it feels like too little too late.

 

I don't know how to turn this around...or if it can be...

 

What ever you do DON'T get physically involved in this man - not even a kiss!

 

If your husband is aware of the EA and is committed to working on the marriage, then go ahead and try every single route possible to try and rectify your marriage.

 

Go for IC and have MC, seek help from your pastor.

 

I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but the person you are hurting most at the moment is yourself.

 

In order to put right what is wrong you must disconnect from the OM. You must instigate NC and quickly. It's easier said than done, but if you have your OM in the background while you try to repair your marriage it will all become a farce and counseling will not help at all!

 

Try and repair your marriage first, if it doesn't work out then you KNOW you have tried without outside influences. THEN if you both decide in the future that it can't work, then divorce.

 

It's after you get a divorce and you're free that you can truly pursue another relationship that will be a healthy one.

 

I hope it works out for you, no marriage is easy! I stuck with mine for a very long time and have tried all routes possible to save it. Read some of the post on here they will give you some insight and some good links to marriage builder sites!

 

Best of luck

[White Flower]

My husband knows about the EA. He says he is committed to working on the marriage. He is trying to make up for lost time, but it feels like too little too late.

 

I don't know how to turn this around...or if it can be...

It took me about 10 years longer to come to the same conclusion. Don't have any more kids or buy any more properties. Think long and hard; get counseling. See if you H can put his money where his mouth is. It might be revivable. If not, cut your losses. But don't waste any time thinking about it. Work on it, and when you KNOW it's not going to work anymore, get out.

 

Then you're free to meet up with this guy.

[taylor]

thank you elena62. You sound very wise and compassionate.

 

One funny thing is while my husband is trying to cling to me and I'm dying inside for the OM, the OM seems to be pulling away from me, especially since we are no longer working together.

 

I don't know if it's out of fear of repercussions from my husband (getting found out), self-preservation (the thought that he might be the real one hurt in the end), or out of sight/out of mind since we no longer work together. He has contacted me 6 times in the last 2 weeks. I've tried to get in touch with him 14 times. Haven't heard from him in 4 days...

[whichwayisup]

You need to start by being honest with your husband, not only about your feelings and how dead you feel inside, but also about the OM. Come clean with him, let him decide if he wants to stay and work on the marriage, or divorce.

[Elena62]

thank you elena62. You sound very wise and compassionate.

 

One funny thing is while my husband is trying to cling to me and I'm dying inside for the OM, the OM seems to be pulling away from me, especially since we are no longer working together.

 

I don't know if it's out of fear of repercussions from my husband (getting found out), self-preservation (the thought that he might be the real one hurt in the end), or out of sight/out of mind since we no longer work together. He has contacted me 6 times in the last 2 weeks. I've tried to get in touch with him 14 times. Haven't heard from him in 4 days...

 

You're probably missing the attention that 20% the OM used to give you that is missing in your marriage!

 

Yes, you probably are dying inside, that's the emotional side of your relationship. It's not a healthy sign that someone withdraws from you, at all! In fact it can start a process that leads to you appearing to be needy and can make him back off all the more. Don't analyze it, or at least try not to analyze why OM is not in touch - try to just let it go for now.

 

Try to reconnect with you H. It may be difficult, but I don't see any indication from you that you want your marriage to end.

 

Try this website:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

 

It may help you!

 

Good luck

[bentnotbroken]

Hi. This is Tonya. Thank you for all your replies.

 

I want you to know that I have never even looked at another man - not in 10 years of marriage. And I pray every day for God to give me guidance and strength and wisdom to know what to do. It is because of my spiritual beliefs that I have not entered a physical relationship with the OM. I know you won't believe this but we haven't even held hands. Not that we haven't wanted to - just too many eyes at work. My desire for this man is eating me up inside but I have managed to practice self-control even though my body is screaming for him.

 

The worst part is the emotional attachment I have to him. I have fallen in love with him. He consumes my every thought. I care deeply about him. I hang on his every word. I hold my breath until I hear from him again.

 

My husband is a good man. He is a hard worker. But our marriage has been dead for 5 years. I feel dead inside. THe OM awakened feelings in me I haven't felt in 5 years. I feel alive - 32 instead of 92. I don't feel lonely anymore. I don't feel dead inside. I feel good about myself.

 

My husband and I barely talk about anything accept the bills and what's for dinner. The OM and I talk about everything - dreams, hopes, fears, everything in our hearts...and we laugh - something I haven't done in 5 years. There is instant connection when we look into each other's eyes.

 

My husband hasn't gone up to bed with me in 3 years. I lay in bed at night wanting someone to hold me. He would rather look at a newspaper then in my eyes. All day long I hear from my husband, "You better do this, you ought to do that, you should do this." From the OM, I hear, "I need you, I admire you, I like this about you, You make me so happy."

 

When my husband and I do make love, about twice a month, that's all I think about is the OM and I pretend it's him touching me. God help me.

 

I know I should end it with the OM. I don't want to hurt him. I didn't lead him on..he pursued me and I didn't stop him. But ending it with him is going to feel like cutting my right arm off. It already feels like my heart is being torn from my chest.

 

The OM is taking things very slowly and causeously. He doesn't want to get hurt (he's been hurt by 2 other women in the past 3 years)or get some husband knocking at his door.

 

If I break everything off with the OM or he does with me (which is more likely) then what is left. A dead marriage that I don't know if there is any hope of reviving. I am not even sure if I want to try anymore. I've been trying half of my married life.

 

My husband knows about the EA. He says he is committed to working on the marriage. He is trying to make up for lost time, but it feels like too little too late.

 

I don't know how to turn this around...or if it can be...

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the movie WHY DID I GET MARRIED ? If you haven't maybe you should see it. It talks about the 80/20 rule. It gives some insight into the different dynamics of troubled marriages. You are doing the right thing to pray, but you have to put some action to your prayers. That means talking to your husband, seeking MC and IC, and letting go of the relationship with the OM. I don't know what you are going through, but you must be conflicted about your actions if you haven't moved into a PA.

 

That says to me, that at your core, you know that even if is the man you want, you don't want it this way. Give your marriage a fighting chance. Tell your husband you are thinking of a divorce. Be honest even if it hurts him. It will hurt worse in the long run if you cross the line. God Bless

[taylor]

Thank you, again, everyone, for your words of advice and support.

 

I talked to my husband last night about the EA and the OM. I started at the beginning. Told him how I met the OM at a time in my life and a time in his life when we were both very vulnerable, very needy. Neither one of us went looking for a side dish just for the fun of it. We were both in some kind of emotional pain, missing something in our lives. We connected and what we were looking for so hard just fell into our laps. The connection I wanted so desparately with my husband just came so easy with the OM. I couldn't understand why I couldn't have this kind of connection with my husband and the OM couldn't understand why he couldn't have it with his girlfriend. After a while, we both stopped wondering why we couldn't have it with our SOs and just started enjoying what we had together.

 

My husband listened patiently. Didn't even get angry. He said, "What good would getting angry do?" He said there was no reason for me to go looking for whatever I thought I was missing - that everything I wanted was right here at home, but that I chose to ignore it and chose to look elsewhere for it. In other words, he doesn't think anything is missing in our marriage. He said I chose to get some things from the OM, but could have gotten them from him just the same. I told him I have been trying to for 5 years.

 

I assured my husband I did not enter into a PA with the OM. I told him every last detail of how the relationship with the OM evolved and how far it progressed. I told him how I and the OM were on the verge of crossing some physical lines, but didn't. He believed me and I am glad he did because I knew that thought was eating him up inside and their was no reason for it to because there was no PA. I stopped short of telling my husband I was in love with the OM. He didn't ask. I don't think he wanted to hear that answer. He said, "So you had an infatuation with each other and you flirted. He was like a new boyfriend and you were his new girlfriend and you were both just so into each other you shoved everyone else out of your lives. He became your focus. You were letting him replace me." I said ,"Yes."

 

 

 

I WAS very conflicted about having a PA with the OM. I know he would have taken the opportunity if I had given it to him, but he was following my lead. He pursued very slowly and then put things in higher gear after he and his girlfriend broke up in January. He laid his feelings out on the table in February and then waited to see what I would do. The only thing I ever told him was that I was trying hard not to cross any lines even though I wanted to. He said he felt the same way. He left the workplace for another job within two weeks. If he hadn't left I don't know where we would have taken the EA. It was definitely heading toward a PA. I am not sure what I would have done had it come right down to the moment of decision.

 

My husband asked if I had any decisions to make - if I was torn between the two of them. I told him there was no decision to make. It was done. That now I just need to get the OM out of my system but that it was going to take time. He said he would give me that time. He said he also needs time to work through a myriad of feelings he was having.

 

I know to get the OM out of my system I need to go NC. I have read the posts on this forum. I see how hard it is to do. I don't know how much strength I have. Right now I miss him so badly and I need him (it's that need that got me into this mess in the first place).

 

The OM sent me a St. Patrick's Day message yesterday- light and casual. That was the first contact in 4 days. I did not respond. It took everything to not pick up the cell phone and send him a text back.

 

I know I should go (no, need to go) NC with the OM, but if I break all contact now, isn't he going to wonder why, wonder what's wrong?

 

Also, wouldn't it be easier to go NC after getting some kind of closure - some kind of official goodbye to each other - rather than leaving everything hanging in the air - a bunch of loose ends?

 

Last Wednesday I gave him a goodbye letter when we met for lunch. In the letter I told him how he changed my life this past year and what he meant to me. I told him I hope someday he meets someone who deserves him. We hugged goodbye and then he told me to promise him we would keep in touch. I told him I would but that I was afraid that over time our relationship would just turn cold and distant and die a slow death. I told him it might be better to just say goodbye now- kind of like a quick death - less painful. He insisted we stay in contact. Said he didn't want to lose me - even if it meant just having lunch once in a while.

 

The next day (Thursday) he called me and said he was writing me a letter to tell me how he felt about me, and told me he would call me Friday to see how he could get the letter to me. I said, "Why don't you just tell me now what is in the letter?" He said, "Just be patient. You know I have a hard time speaking what's in my heart. Let me write it down."

 

He also asked when the best time would be for him to contact me - I told him during the day - that my husband was already wondering why I was so broken up over a coworker leaving the company.

 

After that conversation, I didn't hear from the OM again until yesterday (Monday). He sent a short St. Patrick's day text. No mention of this heartfelt letter he was so anxious to get to me 4 days ago. No "I miss you." No phone call.

 

So, you see, the OM is pulling away. He must have thought things through a little more. Maybe tore up the letter he was writing to me (if there really was one) and has probably filed me in his memory banks. I don't blame him. Being the OM in the workplace was safe although he knew we were heading towards dangerous waters. Being the OM outside the workplace would have been like playing with fire. I would just like to hear these words out of his mouth, rather than watch him slowly pull away in silence. The one thing we were always able to do so easily was talk about what was in our hearts.

 

He has a best friend we both worked with. I know they met on Friday night as they had plans to do something together. I am sure he probably showed this friend my letter and I'm sure this friend responded by trying to knock some sense into his head. I wouldn't be surprised if this friend told him bluntly to "turn around and run as far away from this as you can and don't look back."

 

It would be just like him anyways to go NC without closure. This is how he handled things with his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend. He clammed up, withdrew into himself, built a huge wall around himself for protection, and wouldn't let anyone in. It took me months to break down that wall so that he would let me in and it took even longer for him to open himself up to trust me. ANd now it's killing me not knowing what he is thinking and feeling.

 

I just wish we could have ended things with everything on the table - a short talk about why each of us needs to walk away, how we feel about walking away from each other, and what the last year meant for both of us.

 

Instead, he has left me hanging in the air. I don't know if he hates me for getting him into this mess, if he disrespects me for straying emotionally from my husband (I told him, please don't judge me for the feelings I have for you. He said I don't - I will tell you how I feel about that in the letter I'm going to give you.), if he's afraid of my husband, if he is terribly hurt by the whole situation, or if he is just wising up - realizing that nothing good could ever come of a relationship with a MW unless I was free to love him.

 

I don't know if he is thinking, "You slut. You led me on. Got me to open up and trust you. And now you want to say goodbye just like that. Took me to the edge of a PA and walked away." or if he is thinking, "Things were innocent as long as they remained in the workplace, but now that we don't work together, any contact we have is deliberate and not innocent and therefore cheating. You aren't into that and either am I and I don't see how it could work anyways. I'm the one that would end up hurt in the end again."

 

I know what you are going to say - go NC and don't worry about what the OM thinks or feels. It's just that it's hard because that is what our relationship was - all about what each of us thought and felt about all kinds of things. Now, when I want so badly to know what he is thinking and feeling, I am left with nothing but speculation.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Just trying to work through this pain...

[taylor]

Thank you, again, everyone, for your words of advice and support.

 

I talked to my husband last night about the EA and the OM. I started at the beginning. Told him how I met the OM at a time in my life and a time in his life when we were both very vulnerable, very needy. Neither one of us went looking for a side dish just for the fun of it. We were both in some kind of emotional pain, missing something in our lives. We connected and what we were looking for so hard just fell into our laps. The connection I wanted so desparately with my husband just came so easy with the OM. I couldn't understand why I couldn't have this kind of connection with my husband and the OM couldn't understand why he couldn't have it with his girlfriend. After a while, we both stopped wondering why we couldn't have it with our SOs and just started enjoying what we had together.

 

My husband listened patiently. Didn't even get angry. He said, "What good would getting angry do?" He said there was no reason for me to go looking for whatever I thought I was missing - that everything I wanted was right here at home, but that I chose to ignore it and chose to look elsewhere for it. In other words, he doesn't think anything is missing in our marriage. He said I chose to get some things from the OM, but could have gotten them from him just the same. I told him I have been trying to for 5 years.

 

I assured my husband I did not enter into a PA with the OM. I told him every last detail of how the relationship with the OM evolved and how far it progressed. I told him how I and the OM were on the verge of crossing some physical lines, but didn't. He believed me and I am glad he did because I knew that thought was eating him up inside and their was no reason for it to because there was no PA. I stopped short of telling my husband I was in love with the OM. He didn't ask. I don't think he wanted to hear that answer. He said, "So you had an infatuation with each other and you flirted. He was like a new boyfriend and you were his new girlfriend and you were both just so into each other you shoved everyone else out of your lives. He became your focus. You were letting him replace me." I said ,"Yes."

 

 

 

I WAS very conflicted about having a PA with the OM. I know he would have taken the opportunity if I had given it to him, but he was following my lead. He pursued very slowly and then put things in higher gear after he and his girlfriend broke up in January. He laid his feelings out on the table in February and then waited to see what I would do. The only thing I ever told him was that I was trying hard not to cross any lines even though I wanted to. He said he felt the same way. He left the workplace for another job within two weeks. If he hadn't left I don't know where we would have taken the EA. It was definitely heading toward a PA. I am not sure what I would have done had it come right down to the moment of decision.

 

My husband asked if I had any decisions to make - if I was torn between the two of them. I told him there was no decision to make. It was done. That now I just need to get the OM out of my system but that it was going to take time. He said he would give me that time. He said he also needs time to work through a myriad of feelings he was having.

 

I know to get the OM out of my system I need to go NC. I have read the posts on this forum. I see how hard it is to do. I don't know how much strength I have. Right now I miss him so badly and I need him (it's that need that got me into this mess in the first place).

 

The OM sent me a St. Patrick's Day message yesterday- light and casual. That was the first contact in 4 days. I did not respond. It took everything to not pick up the cell phone and send him a text back.

 

I know I should go (no, need to go) NC with the OM, but if I break all contact now, isn't he going to wonder why, wonder what's wrong?

 

Also, wouldn't it be easier to go NC after getting some kind of closure - some kind of official goodbye to each other - rather than leaving everything hanging in the air - a bunch of loose ends?

 

Last Wednesday I gave him a goodbye letter when we met for lunch. In the letter I told him how he changed my life this past year and what he meant to me. I told him I hope someday he meets someone who deserves him. We hugged goodbye and then he told me to promise him we would keep in touch. I told him I would but that I was afraid that over time our relationship would just turn cold and distant and die a slow death. I told him it might be better to just say goodbye now- kind of like a quick death - less painful. He insisted we stay in contact. Said he didn't want to lose me - even if it meant just having lunch once in a while.

 

The next day (Thursday) he called me and said he was writing me a letter to tell me how he felt about me, and told me he would call me Friday to see how he could get the letter to me. I said, "Why don't you just tell me now what is in the letter?" He said, "Just be patient. You know I have a hard time speaking what's in my heart. Let me write it down."

 

He also asked when the best time would be for him to contact me - I told him during the day - that my husband was already wondering why I was so broken up over a coworker leaving the company.

 

After that conversation, I didn't hear from the OM again until yesterday (Monday). He sent a short St. Patrick's day text. No mention of this heartfelt letter he was so anxious to get to me 4 days ago. No "I miss you." No phone call.

 

So, you see, the OM is pulling away. He must have thought things through a little more. Maybe tore up the letter he was writing to me (if there really was one) and has probably filed me in his memory banks. I don't blame him. Being the OM in the workplace was safe although he knew we were heading towards dangerous waters. Being the OM outside the workplace would have been like playing with fire. I would just like to hear these words out of his mouth, rather than watch him slowly pull away in silence. The one thing we were always able to do so easily was talk about what was in our hearts.

 

He has a best friend we both worked with. I know they met on Friday night as they had plans to do something together. I am sure he probably showed this friend my letter and I'm sure this friend responded by trying to knock some sense into his head. I wouldn't be surprised if this friend told him bluntly to "turn around and run as far away from this as you can and don't look back."

 

It would be just like him anyways to go NC without closure. This is how he handled things with his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend. He clammed up, withdrew into himself, built a huge wall around himself for protection, and wouldn't let anyone in. It took me months to break down that wall so that he would let me in and it took even longer for him to open himself up to trust me. ANd now it's killing me not knowing what he is thinking and feeling.

 

I just wish we could have ended things with everything on the table - a short talk about why each of us needs to walk away, how we feel about walking away from each other, and what the last year meant for both of us.

 

Instead, he has left me hanging in the air. I don't know if he hates me for getting him into this mess, if he disrespects me for straying emotionally from my husband (I told him, please don't judge me for the feelings I have for you. He said I don't - I will tell you how I feel about that in the letter I'm going to give you.), if he's afraid of my husband, if he is terribly hurt by the whole situation, or if he is just wising up - realizing that nothing good could ever come of a relationship with a MW unless I was free to love him.

 

I don't know if he is thinking, "You slut. You led me on. Got me to open up and trust you. And now you want to say goodbye just like that. Took me to the edge of a PA and walked away." or if he is thinking, "Things were innocent as long as they remained in the workplace, but now that we don't work together, any contact we have is deliberate and not innocent and therefore cheating. You aren't into that and either am I and I don't see how it could work anyways. I'm the one that would end up hurt in the end again."

 

I know what you are going to say - go NC and don't worry about what the OM thinks or feels. It's just that it's hard because that is what our relationship was - all about what each of us thought and felt about all kinds of things. Now, when I want so badly to know what he is thinking and feeling, I am left with nothing but speculation.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Just trying to work through this pain...

[Owl]

GREAT JOB!!!!

 

Now, some things to expect.

 

Your H is likely to immediately start on the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell. Right now, he's calm and processing. Just because he's not angry right now, but he's very very likely to become angry in the near future.

 

THIS IS NORMAL!

 

At the beginning, BS's tend to stay calm and try to deal with the issue. THEN they'll fall apart.

 

The trick is to try to stay calm on YOUR side of things.

 

Get into marriage counseling ASAP. Preferably one who understands how to heal a marriage from infidelity...try to find one who is "marriagebuilders based" if you can.

 

YOU are going to be on a completely different but still horrible rollercoaster ride as well. You're going to go through withdrawl over the loss of the relationship with OM. You may even end up breaking NC with him.

 

Again...NORMAL!

 

It typically fades over time, as long as both you and your H are working on your marriage at the same time.

 

Go to the library and read "Surviving an Affair". And "His Needs/Her Needs"...both are great resources for helping you cope with what's going on right now.

 

AGAIN, GREAT FIRST STEP!!!!!!

[taylor]

thanks owl....but don't really feel like i have taken much of a step.

 

today, i feel half-paralyzed and depressed. can't function. consumed by grief and thoughts of the OM. starting to feel like a fool.

 

i want to get angry at him for pulling away like he did - the quick and silent exit. is he hurting as much as i am? is he as confused as i am? does he miss me? i thought he would attempt to hang on to me - instead he was quick to drop me at the curb like there was nothing between us.

 

our relationship moved slowly last spring and summer, became more defined in the fall, heated up in January and heartfelt feelings exchanged in February, just 2 weeks before he departed the workplace. THe relationship was at my fingertips and then gone. i long for what could have been - for what i dreamed of - for what i thought we could have down the road.

 

i know i was fooling myself. what would the relationship have looked like down the road? a bunch of sneaking around at odd hours. I didn't want that. That's not me - or him. We talked about campfires on the beach, dancing under the stars, winter hikes with hot chocolate and whip cream - just dreams- no chance of ever happening.

 

it seems like the workplace romance was safe and innocent and easy. A lot of fantasy, inuendos, flirting, body language, eye contact, anticipation. moving it out of the workplace was anything but. it was cold hard reality. it didn't have a chance of making the transition.

 

i want closure, not the silent treatment. i'm not going to get it. but i am not going to break down and call him. i have a feeling he won't pick up the phone anyways. i am not going to go down the path of desperate and needy and end up a bigger fool than i feel right now.

 

so funny. a month ago he spilled his guts about his feelings for me. Now he won't even pick up the phone and call me. it hurts. i don't understand. how could he walk away so easily.

 

and then there's my husband. right by my side. supportive beyond words. even trying to support me as i grieve the OM. handing me kleenexes to dry my tears.

 

i told him there's nothing he can do to help. i have to fix myself. i don't know where to begin. where do you find someone for IC and MC? the yellow pages?

 

my husband and I talked about MC three years ago. He said we didn't need it. maybe after this, he will change his mind. We haven't discussed it.

 

i am hurting so much right now from OM withdrawal that I don't know if I can handle the emotional roller coaster you say my husband is about to get on. It already hurts to see the pain in his eyes that I have caused. worse yet, the love he is still showing me. i don't deserve it.

[taylor]

bentnotbroken - no, i haven't seen that movie. but what is the 80/20 rule?

[stampdaddy]

I can assure you that this guy is hurting too.. And I can assure you that YES, he has his Myriad of feelings too... I can't tell you what he is thinking exactly, as yes, some people can seem to say, "Oh well, F*** it!" easier than others, BUT if he was going to write you this letter (maybe it was too hard to write).. I know you hurt, and selfishly am thankful to see how YOU feel in all of this (I am an OM, and my MW just went back home).. Hang in there and keep your chin up.

[TheRain]

You're absolutely doing the right thing by not getting physical with him. You would have destroyed your own life, killing this great guy, you called husband, inside, and destroyed any respect people might have for you and you have for yourself, and countless other consequences for some infactuation that you only will have temporarily.

[stampdaddy]

You're absolutely doing the right thing by not getting physical with him. You would have destroyed your own life, killing this great guy, you called husband, inside, and destroyed any respect people might have for you and you have for yourself, and countless other consequences for some infactuation that you only will have temporarily.

UNLESS you were/are prepared to LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND.. If not, then YES, "TheRain's" very first post is absolutely correct.. Look at how you feel now.. Imagine if you have been "locked into his sweet embrace", and MADE LOVE...??

[taylor]

Stampdaddy - I'm climbing the walls because the OM never followed through with the letter he promised. I spilled my guts out in my letter to him - I didn't hold back anything. I said things to him that I had held back for 7 months, mainly because we worked together and I was trying to hold the line. In our brief conversation last week, he knew how desperate I was to know what he was thinking and feeling. He knew I wanted to know how he felt about my letter. He knew I wanted to know how he felt about "us.'

I told him this was supposed to be a goodbye letter. He said, "No, I don't want it to be. I want to stay in contact." He made me promise we would stay in contact. I said, "But how?"

That's when he said, "Be patient. I'm putting it all in a letter." I insisted he talk to me right then and there. He told me to be patient. That he was putting it all in the letter.

I told him I would be patient and wait for his call.

No call. No letter. It hurts.

If he's hurting, I want to reach out to him.

If he's not hurting and has decided to let me go and move on by doing NC, then I want to respect that.

But either way, I want to know what he is thinking and feeling.

Why is he leaving me hanging?

[taylor]

stampdaddy, I want you to know the reasons I sent the OM a goodbye letter.

 

It was not because I wanted to say goodbye. I am in love with him, I long for him, I miss him so badly it has me physically sick and mentally depressed. Two weeks ago I was walking on sunshine, and had been for 7 months. And now I want to crawl in a dark hole - i feel so empty inside.

 

I sent him the goodbye letter because

 

1) I couldn't see how we could continue seeing each other outside the workplace without our beautiful relationship turning into something "sordid" - sneaking, lying, cheating. In the workplace, it felt pure and innocent. Outside the workplace, anything but...

 

2)And this is the main reason....I love him and care about him too much to put him in a position where he feels second best...where he would feel like the OM.....While in the workplace, I never considered our relationship to be an "emotional affair" and I never considered him the OM. Never crossed my mind. But the minute we considered taking the relationship outside the workplace, that's all the OM and I thought about was my husband. In the workplace, we never talked about my husband or my marriage. Outside the workplace, it was front and center between us. All of a sudden, our special little relationship at work looked like an affair...and we felt like we were on the verge of "cheating." The OM asked, "Am I going to have a jealous husband knocking at my door?" and "When can I call you?" "When is your husband there? Will it cause a problem if I call you when he is there?" We didn't have to worry about any of this at the workplace...we could work side by side 40 hours per week on not feeling like we were cheating or sneaking around....

[TheRain]

 

It was not because I wanted to say goodbye. I am in love with him, I long for him, I miss him so badly it has me physically sick and mentally depressed. Two weeks ago I was walking on sunshine, and had been for 7 months. And now I want to crawl in a dark hole - i feel so empty inside.

 

This is a serious question. How do you like being labled as a cheating, unfaithful wife? Because that's who you are now.

 

 

2)And this is the main reason....I love him and care about him too much to put him in a position where he feels second best...where he would feel like the OM.....While in the workplace, I never considered our relationship to be an "emotional affair" and I never considered him the OM. Never crossed my mind. But the minute we considered taking the relationship outside the workplace, that's all the OM and I thought about was my husband. In the workplace, we never talked about my husband or my marriage. Outside the workplace, it was front and center between us. All of a sudden, our special little relationship at work looked like an affair...and we felt like we were on the verge of "cheating." The OM asked, "Am I going to have a jealous husband knocking at my door?" and "When can I call you?" "When is your husband there? Will it cause a problem if I call you when he is there?" We didn't have to worry about any of this at the workplace...we could work side by side 40 hours per week on not feeling like we were cheating or sneaking around....

 

You know why things are not getting better when you take it outside of work, because this fantasy turns into reality. Yes, it's merely a fantasy and life with OM is not what you imagine it will be. You see only the best of each other at work. Even if you get together and leave your husband, there will always be trust issues between you two and your family and his family will never see you as a normal couple, but two cheating adulterer.

 

Can you really forgive yourself if you slept with him? Can you face the guilt when you know that your husband is hurting?

[taylor]

TheRain - Your words are harsh but just what I need to hear, so thank you.

 

I did not realize that what was happening at work was an "affair" or that I was doing anything "adulterous" since there was no sex involved.

 

Now I realize an EA can be as, if not more, damaging, than a PA.

 

I was having a fantasy at work. A fantasy that got out of hand because I fell in love with the man.

 

At some point I realized the feelings were getting stronger and deeper. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could pretend it was all meaningless fun. I was wrong.

 

I chose to let happen everything that happened. I allowed the feelings to grow and I allowed the relationship to progress to the point where I was ready to cross the line into a PA.

 

I know you will judge me for not stopping the EA sooner, but the reality is this: I have been in a marriage that has made me feel dead and empty inside for 5 years. My husband refused MC. Then all of a sudden this man appears in my life who makes me feel alive for the first time in a long time. It's hard to say, "Sorry. Get out of my life. I'd rather feel dead and empty inside with my husband than alive with you."

 

I am not trying to make excuses. There are no excuses. This is just the reality.

 

My husband and I are starting MC. Maybe some good will come from the EA.

 

I believe all things happen for a reason. Maybe the reason for the EA was to put my marriage back on the right track...

[whichwayisup]

My husband and I are starting MC. Maybe some good will come from the EA.

That's a positive attitude to have, so let the OM go. Meaning, stay in NC. It doesn't matter what the OM thinks, or what he's doing...He hasn't called or written fora reason. Also, you may think you're inlove with him, but when you break it down, you two were addicted to how he made you feel. Maybe it was the beginning of something good, BUT you are a married woman and having feelings for someone else while wearing a ring on your finger is not appropriate.

 

I believe all things happen for a reason. Maybe the reason for the EA was to put my marriage back on the right track...

 

Again, then don't contact the OM. Let him go and focus on your husband.

[TheRain]

TheRain - Your words are harsh but just what I need to hear, so thank you.

 

I chose to let happen everything that happened. I allowed the feelings to grow and I allowed the relationship to progress to the point where I was ready to cross the line into a PA.

 

 

Just keep in mind that IF you meet him again, it will turn into a PA and there is NO turning back. Your marriage will be damaged, your selfworth will be damaged, guilt will be inside of your for a long time, if not forever, every time you hear the word "cheater" or "ho," it will remind you of yourself. Keep absolutely no contact, or disaster will follow.