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Baby with EXH while M to someone else.... !


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Ok so here it all is...I had an affair with my ex husband.He and I are both married to other people.It has been an off and on thing ever since our divorce.We both agree that we still have feelings for eachother.Anyways...In March of 07 I became pregnant by the ex and told my husband everything and that the child wasn't his.At first he freaked out and called the ex husbands wife and told her everything.Come to find out through her that she was 6 months pregnant.My ex never told me of her pregnancy.Honestly I have to admit it probably wouldn't have changed things if he did tell me.I know this may be wrong but I guess you could say that I sort of have a little grudge towards her because she became pregnant by my ex while we were still married.We were separated but were still trying to work things out and still sleeping together,and spending some nights together.I greatly dislike her due to that fact.I feel that is why our marriage ended.My ex and I both agree that we didn't want our marriage to end.Anyways...more to the point.My now husband and I decided to keep the baby.I delivered him 11-26-07.I had no previous children with the ex husband.My now husband and I already had 2 boys together.My current husband and I are trying to work everything out and make our marriage work.I am very confused.Some days I feel I want to try to work things out in my marriage and other times I don't.For the most part my husband is a good guy and I honestly feel bad for putting him through this.Although he also has not been faithful and sometimes feel that is the only reason that we are still together at this point.I am just so confused by all this.Anyways the ex and I are still in contact with eachother and speak on almost an everyday basis.Yet again I feel bad for this because my husband thinks that we don't have any contact what so ever.The ex and I have agreed to try to spare them of anymore hurt.Neither of us wants to cut off contact and agree that will never happen.We both agree that when our kids with the others are a little older we would like to be together again.Anyways about the son the ex and I have...He has only seen him once since birth due to the fact that we have to sneak in order for him to see him.The ex told me to file for child support through the state,which I did at his request.He also said that he wanted a paternity test just for a piece of mind,not that he didnt believe me but due to the fact that I am married to someone else.We had the paternity test and just as I said it came back as the ex was the father.My husband has known about all processes that have been through the state and the paternity test.He also knows the results.When I told him the results he said ok I already knew that and did not seem bothered by them.Nothing has changed because of the results.He still treats the baby just the same as ever.When my ex recieved the results.....his wife recieved them first.(she checked the mail).She apparently called the ex at work and started flippin out.I honestly think she really thought that they would come back as him not being the father.Sometimes I wonder if he even told her that we had the test done....no clue??Anyways now the ex is saying that he wants to see him and be in his life on a regular basis.He said he doesnt care if current wife leaves or not.She told him while I was pregnant that if she finds out that the baby is his then she will leave.He doesn't want her to leave because of his kids with her which is the same reason I don't want to leave my husband at this moment so I can understand.If he is serious about wanting to see him on a regular basis I dont know how my husband will react to all of this.He is fine with raising him without the ex in the picture.I dont know how he will be if the ex is involved in my sons life.Also I dont feel comfortable with sending him to the ex's house with the wife.The ex said we could take it slow and maybe at first he would just take him a few hours at a time.It still worrys me because she has threatened to beat my a** she has called my sister and sent me all kinds of mean and threatening e mails.I understand the ex has every right to see my son and I have no problem with that but I just worry about how the wife will treat him if she stays.I am just so confused and upset about all of this and any input would be of great appreciation.

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Paragraphs wouldn't hurt!

 

May I ask, why did you guys get a divorce if you still had feelings for each other?

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:(

 

And to think I just wanted to have one child with someone I loved....and can't. Truly an interesting world.

 

 

Physically can't?

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She became pregnant while we were trying to work things out...I thought it best to divorce.....then regreted it.

 

 

Was she the OW in the picture?

Jeez... I need to stay away from my stbxH, when he comes out of jail or else this could be me. (sex would have always kept us together...)

Darn it! Sorry baby girl.

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I'm sorry, but this is a very f**ked up situation.

 

At this point the needs of the new born and the other children you have need to be put first. They need a stable home life and proper role models.

 

You need to decide who you want to be married to / in a relationship with once you determine how you will fill your childrens needs.

Unfortunately you can't do this in a vacuum. I think the four of you (you, your H, your exH, your exH's wife) need to sit down and talk about what each wants. There are some pretty serious issues.. access by your ex to his kid, the fact that you lie to your H about having no contact with your exH, child support if any..

 

And if you and your exH are still going to have sex, both of you should educate yourself on birth control.

 

Sorry if this seems harsh, but out of this whole mess and new child comes into the world and he should be the priority.

 

Once again the nuclear family is redefined...

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She is unwilling to sit down and talk about anything.She tries to live her life like this whole thing never happened......How do you work with that.I am aware that this is a f***ed up situation.....thats why I am here

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Physically can't?

Correct. Of course that doesn't rule out adoption, but stressors in our life have made our marriage unacceptable at this point IMO to purposely bring a child into it.

 

My moral code is a bit different than those covered in the OP, so I chose to comment on the resultant children instead. I really empathize with them.

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Was she the OW in the picture?

Jeez... I need to stay away from my stbxH, when he comes out of jail or else this could be me. (sex would have always kept us together...)

Darn it! Sorry baby girl.

 

She was but I knew of her....we were both trying to figure out what we wanted....then that happened.

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Sounds like you and I live similiar lives :o

 

I'm a little confused. I thought you and your Ex-H recently divorced, but then you said you already have two sons with your current husband. You also said that the OW became preg with your ex-H's baby while you were still married. So is she on another pregnancy now or still the same one?

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Sounds like you and I live similiar lives :o

 

I'm a little confused. I thought you and your Ex-H recently divorced, but then you said you already have two sons with your current husband. You also said that the OW became preg with your ex-H's baby while you were still married. So is she on another pregnancy now or still the same one?

 

Another pregnancy.....after the divorce her married her.

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blind_otter
She was but I knew of her....we were both trying to figure out what we wanted....then that happened.

 

To be fair, if your H was trying to figure out what he wanted he should not have had unprotected sex with another woman during this difficult process.

 

I agree with Tripper. Figure out who you want to be with, and stick to one person. Everything needs to come out - you need to be honest with you H about what is going on with exH, so he can decide whether he wants to continue a relationship with you.

 

And yes, if you are going to have sexual relations with multiple partners, please have the decency to use protection.

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Correct. Of course that doesn't rule out adoption, but stressors in our life have made our marriage unacceptable at this point IMO to purposely bring a child into it.

 

My moral code is a bit different than those covered in the OP, so I chose to comment on the resultant children instead. I really empathize with them.

 

 

I feel you Carhill. Not sure where you stand in faith but G*d has a reason for everything, even if we dont understand it. In the tug of war with my own beliefs, I ask... Why G*d sends children to those who may not deserve it and leave those who can provide a proper environment childless??

I am not defining a "proper" environment and what it may be "proper" to one person may not be to the next... but there certain situations that children shouldn't be the ones to pay the price.

At least you are mature enough to know what is best in your situation.

Wish you luck!

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At least you are mature enough to know what is best in your situation.

Wish you luck!

 

My parents and the stable home they provided deserve all the credit. There are many ways to parent and be a positive influence in children's lives. I do it every day. Though raised and educated Catholic, I am not religious, rather spiritual. Such is a source I draw support from in times of need.

 

I wish comfort and resolution to all those in the OP. Life is complex and challenging enough as it is. :)

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We divorced in 2002

 

Ahhh okay. Well, how do you feel about having this child with your ex-H whom you will raise with your current H? I think I could learn a lot from you considering I'm in a similiar situation.

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To be fair, if your H was trying to figure out what he wanted he should not have had unprotected sex with another woman during this difficult process.

 

I agree with Tripper. Figure out who you want to be with, and stick to one person. Everything needs to come out - you need to be honest with you H about what is going on with exH, so he can decide whether he wants to continue a relationship with you.

 

And yes, if you are going to have sexual relations with multiple partners, please have the decency to use protection.

 

Why does everyone always assume we didn't?My ex is very well endowed.We used a condom and it broke.....just as it did when he lost his virginity to me.I didnt take birth control because it makes me have my period non stop...I have tried different kids and it all has some adverse effect on me.Now I have my tubes tied...........

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blind_otter

So are you going to take the first step and start being honest with all parties involved so you can work towards a resolution?

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So are you going to take the first step and start being honest with all parties involved so you can work towards a resolution?

 

I am not sure.I dont want to press the issue with my H until I know if the EX is serious about being in my sons life.Just so everyone knows there has been no sexual interaction between us what so ever since I became pregnant.

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My parents and the stable home they provided deserve all the credit. There are many ways to parent and be a positive influence in children's lives. I do it every day. Though raised and educated Catholic, I am not religious, rather spiritual. Such is a source I draw support from in times of need.

 

I wish comfort and resolution to all those in the OP. Life is complex and challenging enough as it is. :)

 

 

Were we separated at birth??? LOL! Are you in education?

 

Life is complex- its right!

 

I really wish my kids didnt have to go through what they are about to.:(

I lived my whole life steering away from that failure. Too bad the one in the passenger seat doens't get to pull the brakes.

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She is unwilling to sit down and talk about anything.She tries to live her life like this whole thing never happened......How do you work with that.I am aware that this is a f***ed up situation.....thats why I am here

 

You give her the choice.. she can be a part of the decision making process as to how to proceed or not... but she will have to live with what the rest of you decide is she choose not to be a part of it.

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You give her the choice.. she can be a part of the decision making process as to how to proceed or not... but she will have to live with what the rest of you decide is she choose not to be a part of it.

 

He has asked that I not speak to her again.If she contacts me I will respond but other than that I am not going to try to make anything worse for him.She knows how to get ahold of me if she would like to discuss anything.Shouldn't I respect his wishes?I would want him to respect mine.

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I am not sure.I dont want to press the issue with my H until I know if the EX is serious about being in my sons life.Just so everyone knows there has been no sexual interaction between us what so ever since I became pregnant.

 

This is one of the fundamental issues that need to be discussed. Until you put all the cards on the table any decision made will still be skewed with secrecy.

What if your current H isn't comfortable with your exH being involved in the childs life?? Especially if he is willing to financially support the child and raise it within the sibling peer group and family.

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blind_otter
He has asked that I not speak to her again.If she contacts me I will respond but other than that I am not going to try to make anything worse for him.She knows how to get ahold of me if she would like to discuss anything.Shouldn't I respect his wishes?I would want him to respect mine.

 

Does he understand the need for open communication with all parties involved? I mean, he may want you to stop talking to her for purely selfish reasons (ie, it makes it easier for him at home). Ultimately, though, this isn't about what he wants, or what you want - it is really about what is best for the kids involved. They come first.

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