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MM/MW Over, Maybe...?


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~~~~Short Version at bottom~~~~

 

MM and MW (both younger no kids). We work together and our work has us traveling a lot together. With us talking about unhappy life at home, we ended up together about 19 months ago, at first as someone to talk to, but that soon turned into more. We were together every week night for a solid 7 months, and it was spectacular. We both discussed and planed for getting a D in order to be together

 

Fast forward a few months, things are wonderful, she got a chance to make a major upward career move, she was reluctant to do so, I encouraged her and supported her. She got this awesome new job, so we no longer work together. After many weeks with her being at a new job i was freaking out a bit. She reassured me that being apart would simply speed up doing what we both needed to do to be together all the time.

 

We saw each other last week, and we talked the day after on the phone. We seemed to be wholly back on track, back to our normal wonderful selves, who were talking about leaving home and being together (talk she initiated).

 

Then this past weekend happened. We talked far less then we normally did on Saturday morning, her messages to me were getting increasingly shorter, so i did not try and communicate wither her at all for the rest of the weekend, figuring she was busy. On Monday, I sent her a good morning note, and received no response.

 

When I finally got to work, I was talking to her via email. She seemed distracted. I simply said:

'we need to see each other, because we need to talk, and i would prefer to talk in person'.

After talking some more, for about 15 minutes,

she said:

'I really really care about you, but right now there is more then I can handle, and i need some time to think about things'.

 

I have not contacted her since, basically leaving it in her hands to contact me once she has had time to think. I of course have not heard from her

 

One of the biggest holdups to our relationship was the fact that neither of us worked to get out of our marriage, but about two weeks ago I did, and am now moving forward with D proceedings. I never told her this, but alluded to it.

 

I have seen A's before in my home life when I was a kid, as she has as well, and the fact that we knew what we both wanted (us together), and was constantly reaffirming her feelings makes this oh so more confusing

 

~~~~SHORT VERSION~~~~

MM/MW, very happy, long time A together. Talked about leaving respective spouses, she got a job change, she goes from 'We need to be together i cant handle not having you' to "I need time and space to think" in the span of 72 hours.

 

What happened?

I am very confused and hurt right now, but will respect her wishes to not have any contact, maybe she needs time to get D?

Any advice would be great from all the wonderful posters out there.

I don't know, flame on i guess.

 

PS: We knew that A's do not normally turn out well, and we talked about that, and decided that we have seen A's turn into a great thing, and we would do the same.

Edited by mongoose20
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LucreziaBorgia

My guess is that whatever unhappiness she was feeling at home, and what led her to an affair came in part from a general unhappiness with her life and where she was going with it. Getting a new job may have given her enough of a boost, and given her the realization that the answer to her problems wasn't an affair but making the necessary changes in her career to give her more fulfillment. Now, that said - it may also be that this is an exit affair for her. The affair helped her make the emotional break, and the great new job helped her realize that she can make it without having to be married anymore, and in turn not need the affair anymore either. Time for an entirely new clean slate.

 

That's the thing with exit affairs. If the marriage is the WS's injury - then the affair is the crutch. Once the injury is cleared up, there's no need for the crutch anymore either.

 

That could be what is going on, maybe not - but one thing is for certain. When you get the 'time and space' talk, the best thing to do is overcompensate and cut them off so completely that 'time and space' is all they will be getting from you. That really is what is best - otherwise, if you try to lessen the 'time and space' they only pull away further and the relationship is that much more likely not to get back on track.

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You said that she just started a new job.... she is probably re-adjusting and settling. Or her conscience is weighting down and she rather do what she thinks she has to do without having you around. Same way that you went and decided what you wanted to do without having her around 24/7.

Time will tell.:o

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whichwayisup

It seems the job and seeing eachother daily is what fed the affair to keep it going, now that she's not around (as much), the feelings have faded, she's having second thoughts on ending her marriage to be with you.

 

Reguardless of what she does or doesn't do, shouldn't have an affect on your divorce. Obviously you're unhappy and need to get out of your marriage, so don't let this change your plans UNLESS you intend on coming clean with your wife and fixing your marriage.

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I knew that changing jobs would be hard, as a job change is a top three life changer (marriage and buying a home/moving being the other two) Part of me kind of suspected there would be rocky times, but the total 180 took me totally by surprise

 

I had thought that not seeing each other every day was part of it, but for the first weeks she was gone i felt like our feelings were more intense due to not being around each other everyday. Adding to that were her constant reassurances that we were 100% on track (at least until that weekend).

 

The one benefit is that I know getting a D without her around will mean that I am doing it becasue i need to, not becasue there is outside influence, as I made my mind to move forward with D even if that means being alone, as being alone would be better then staying in a bad marriage.

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This isn't an optimistic thought, but perhaps your alluding to the fact that you are proceeding with divorce scared her. Maybe part of her (or all of her) doesn't really want to end her marriage -- maybe she just wanted to have her marriage and her affair (this could have been subconcious). Perhaps she never decided which one she wanted or she was split -- she wanted the A when she was with you, but she didn't want to leave her H when she was with him. Now that you are making a move that makes her make more of a decision, she may be scared by reality. Either she doesn't want to leave her H or she's just not sure when faced with that very real choice. Just my thoughts. This sounds like a hard situation and I'm sorry you're going through it.

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I tried for over a year to get my W to go to counseling (even so far as scheduling appointments), she never wanted to go. I am convinced that if we had gone to counseling that affair would never have happened.

 

Nadiaj, I appreciate the kind words. I too am beginning to think she truly needs time to sort through her feelings and make a decision, but it is confusing to me as to why she wouldn't simply say exactly whats going on in her head, as opposed to just saying she needs time. I totally understand people needing time to contemplate major decisions, and would respect that. Thats the most confusing part to me

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It seems the job and seeing eachother daily is what fed the affair to keep it going, now that she's not around (as much), the feelings have faded, she's having second thoughts on ending her marriage to be with you.

 

This is kind of what I got out of it. The constant contact kept the high going, and now that there is not so much, "reality" is coming back. This seems to be the case in addictive situations.

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I think he mentioned her not knowing of his D plans.

 

He said:

"One of the biggest holdups to our relationship was the fact that neither of us worked to get out of our marriage, but about two weeks ago I did, and am now moving forward with D proceedings. I never told her this, but alluded to it."

 

I just thought it was fishy that about 2 weeks ago he started divorce proceedings and alluded to it, and now she is basically ignoring him. Most women are pretty astute, especially when it comes to emotions and relationships, and I'm sure if he is saying he "alluded" to it, then it was enough to get her thinking "what if he's getting divorced?! Is that what he meant?!" I think that it may be a combination of a positive lifestyle change as well as her not wanting to make a decision regarding her marriage -- or maybe already making that decision and not wishing to hurt Mongoose's feelings by saying that.

 

Mongoose--

with regards to why she won't just tell you the truth... well, no offense but I have found that people who engage in affairs and cheating (my past self included) have personalities that tend to be passive and cowardly. To me, cheating is a cowardly behavior because you are doing something you can't tell someone else about without hurting their feelings. You want to look like the "good" person to all people involved... the affair partner and the spouse. So this may be part of her personality and the way she handles conflict, so she is just following her normal pattern. It would make her look bad and remind her of her guilt if she told you she is choosing her husband over you or thinking of choosing her husband over you. (Think of it this way: she's never told her husband she was with you, because she wanted to protect her image with him and not hurt his feelings, which would cause HER to feel guilt. Why, if she is now choosing him over you, would she tell you that, if doing so would shatter your image of her and hurt your feelings, causing her to feel guilt?)

 

Do you see what I mean? I don't know her or her marriage so I'm not saying this is the case for sure, but it sounded like a possibility from what I read in your post. Another explanation could be that she herself is confused about what she wants, so she doesn't want to say anything too soon to either one of you. She may have been lying to HERSELF all along or not thinking closely enough about what she really wanted (another common trait of cheaters in my opinion)... therefore, now that reality is hitting in a way, what with being away from you, having a more "normal" life without the addiction/ drama of an affair, and realizing she may soon have to make a choice between her marriage and her affair... she may just have no idea what she really wants to do. I don't think that most people who enter into affairs have much foresight or logical planning, and it often turns out that they were just going along with the flow. When the direction of the flow changes and/or they hit a fork in the road, they don't know which direction to go next, you know?

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LucreziaBorgia
it is confusing to me as to why she wouldn't simply say exactly whats going on in her head, as opposed to just saying she needs time.

 

I expect it is because what is really going on in her head would be painful to reveal, and even more painful for you to hear. I doubt she wants to hurt you, and she likely feels this is the best way to not hurt you.

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Nadiaj, while I agree that most affairs are not entered into with planing or foresight, we of course were the same. We talked about this issue in great detail about 4 months in, and we laid out a plan once we realized that this was more then a fling...the best laid plans right.

 

In regards to her realizing that she had a decision to make, or deciding that she wants to stay married. We had both agreed early on that if either one of us decided that we would work to save our marriage we would be honest about it. We talked about it quite a bit actually. She encouraged me to work on mine, as I encouraged her to work on hers. If she decided that she was going to stay with her husband, I in all honesty would have fully supported her, as I understand how hard it is to decide to leave a spouse. Neither one of us were going to leave our marriage for the other person, as we know the affair is wrong, and lingering guilt and 'what-ifs' would cause any future relationship together to start off on the wrong foot...

 

thanks again for everyone's insight, this is very helpful to me :-)

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Nadiaj, while I agree that most affairs are not entered into with planing or foresight, we of course were the same. We talked about this issue in great detail about 4 months in, and we laid out a plan once we realized that this was more then a fling...the best laid plans right.

 

In regards to her realizing that she had a decision to make, or deciding that she wants to stay married. We had both agreed early on that if either one of us decided that we would work to save our marriage we would be honest about it. We talked about it quite a bit actually. She encouraged me to work on mine, as I encouraged her to work on hers. If she decided that she was going to stay with her husband, I in all honesty would have fully supported her, as I understand how hard it is to decide to leave a spouse. Neither one of us were going to leave our marriage for the other person, as we know the affair is wrong, and lingering guilt and 'what-ifs' would cause any future relationship together to start off on the wrong foot...

 

thanks again for everyone's insight, this is very helpful to me :-)

 

I'm really not trying to be difficult. But don't you think that she and husband had best-laid plans for thier marriage, too? They made a plan to be together for the rest of their lives and made promises to each other and they probably talked at one point about what would happen if one of them wanted out of the marriage or wanted to be unfaithful. I'm sure they would have both agreed (back then) to be honest with each other before or instead of... or at the very least after... being with someone else.

 

So that goes with the "best laid plans" saying... I understand how you're saying you made a plan and she is not following it. That does happen. I'm sure if she doesn't want to be with you anymore or she's just not sure what she should do, then like LB said, she's not telling you because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, DESPITE agreements and plans to be honest with each other... just like she didn't tell her husband when she renigged on their plans despite agreements to be honest with each other.

 

I am not saying "you had it coming." I feel for you. It is obvious that you love her and you are trying to do the right thing to be with her and you are feeling hurt. I'm just trying to say, that if you look at it from a relatistic perspective instead of relying on the plans/ promises she made to you, you might be able to understand better why she is acting this way. I understand you to be saying that you are going along with the plan and she isn't. Even if she no longer wants to be with you or she's unsure, then she should follow the part of the plan where she TELLS you that and you will try to understand. That makes total sense to me. I would feel the same way.

 

I think at this point all you can do is say "look, give me the truth no matter how hurtful it is. We agreed that if either of us doesn't want to go through with us, or we feel too guilty about the affair, etc., then we would just tell the other person [or whatever the terms of your plan and agreement were]. I will understand and I will go along with whatever you feel is best for you because I knew what we were getting ourselves into and I care about you and want you to be happy. I know you care about me too, so please, have the decency to TELL me what is going on, no matter how much you fear it will hurt me."

 

At the very least this will prick her conscience and she will realize she does in fact owe you at least the truth. Best wishes.

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Thank you for all the wonderful advice. I am still resolute that I will not contact her, as I told her i would not until she had time to think. Most of what was said in here was what I was thinking. As much as the truth hurts, I think that avoiding the truth is even more hurtful (and yes I do apply this to my W for those of you who asked.)

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Thank you for all the wonderful advice. I am still resolute that I will not contact her, as I told her i would not until she had time to think. Most of what was said in here was what I was thinking. As much as the truth hurts, I think that avoiding the truth is even more hurtful (and yes I do apply this to my W for those of you who asked.)

 

 

I suppose that's a better idea than contacting her to try to figure out why she requested NC. You're right, she did request it, so now all you can do is respect her request. It might be good for you, too, to start focusing on yourself and your own situation so that you can be happy with or without her. Good luck.

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