Oh geez.... I slipped :/

[findmyway]

It's hard for me to admit this here.... but I broke NC today. I passed xMM on the road, first time I actually physically saw his body for weeks... have seen his vehicle, but not close enough to see him. I had to do it, I called. He picked up. Thank god he picked up. If he hadnt picked up this may have been way more tragic cause then i would wonder how he was strong enough to not pick up, why didnt he.. etc etc. But he did. I just asked him how he was, told him how I was. Said I missed him and hope he still thinks about me. He said what would make me think he doesnt still think of me everyday. He misses me too. He kept his comments short, but at least they were what I needed to hear. I told him I am starting counseling tomorrow and he wished me the best with that and said he was proud I took that step. That was it. He did tell me he loved me when he hung up. It was hard... but it did help so much, because i was beginning to think he was already over me (ridiculous, but of course I would think it). I think I will be ok and be able to go awhile again with NC.. this just helped knowing he still knows i exist. So... ok I shouldnt have done it, but I did and I will likely be thinking of his voice all night, wishing i could have said one more thing, wishing i could hear it again... all things I wouldnt of had to deal with in NC... but for me right now, it was worth it.

Edited March 10, 2008 by findmyway

[Love is Tragic]

It's hard for me to admit this here.... but I broke NC today. I passed xMM on the road, first time I actually physically saw his body for weeks... have seen his vehicle, but not close enough to see him. I had to do it, I called. He picked up. Thank god he picked up. If he hadnt picked up this may have been way more tragic cause then i would wonder how he was strong enough to not pick up, why didnt he.. etc etc. But he did. I just asked him how he was, told him how I was. Said I missed him and hope he still thinks about me. He said what would make me think he doesnt still think of me everyday. He misses me too. He kept his comments short, but at least they were what I needed to hear. I told him I am starting counseling tomorrow and he wished me the best with that and said he was proud I took that step. That was it. He did tell me he loved me when he hung up. It was hard... but it did help so much, because i was beginning to think he was already over me (ridiculous, but of course I would think it). I think I will be ok and be able to go awhile

again with NC.. this just helped knowing he still knows i exist. So... ok I shouldnt have done it, but I did and I will likely be thinking of his voice all night, wishing i could have said one more thing, wishing i could hear it again... all things I wouldnt of had to deal with in NC... but for me right now, it was worth it.

 

Big hugs to you! How long had you been in NC? I havent seen my exMM in almost a year, and havent spoken to him in 9 months. If i were to see him right now it would probably completely shatter me, and if i were to see him out alone like you saw your former lover, i think i would do the same thing by calling him. It has been so difficult these past months to resist the urge to open my phone and dial his number, if even to just hear his voice and hang up, lol. Part of why i havent is due to the fact that i no longer know what his work schedule is, and when hes home with the wife and family-as much as i want to talk to him, i dont want to intrude upon his life with them and his marriage. I know his wife would likely flip out like she has in the past and threaten to leave him, taking their children, which would crush him. So, even though things didnt exactly end quite kosher with us, i dont wish any harm on him, i care enough to stay away.

 

Im glad your exlover answered the phone! I can only imagine how devastating it would have been if hed seen your number and ignored your call. Maybe it was just what you needed, to find out that he still thinks of you and misses you. Id give anything to get that info out of my exMM! But i doubt i ever will. People will probably bash you for breaking NC (some are so insistent on NC, most are people who have been cheated on, which explains.). but as long as you dont regret it, and it made you feel better about the pain youre in, who cares what others think about it. Much luck to you!

[findmyway]

Thanks for the support. I cannot even imagine 9 mths NC, congrats on that. Mine has only been a couple of weeks. We are in limbo land as my xMM is separated and clearing his head to make a sound decision on what he wants.. in the meantime his wife is doing the same..

So, we may talk and have some type of relationship again if the decision is to end the marriage... but for the purposes of my well being I am going to assume not and try to progress in life. Still, there are always weak times like today that will happen, and I am just taking it for what its worth and continuing on my way.

[phoenixgirl]

Nothin' but love for ya - I can't maintain NC *at all* at the moment since I have to see him face every single day at work. I'm doing well with the not calling or text messaging, but not talking at work is TORTURE and nigh impossible.

 

So I completely understand your feelings, trust me. Just keep staying strong, don't give up, stay strong in your convictions to stay NC while you figure out your heart and mind in the midst of this (and while he figures out his as well!).

[Meaplus3]

It's hard for me to admit this here.... but I broke NC today. I passed xMM on the road, first time I actually physically saw his body for weeks... have seen his vehicle, but not close enough to see him. I had to do it, I called. He picked up. Thank god he picked up. If he hadnt picked up this may have been way more tragic cause then i would wonder how he was strong enough to not pick up, why didnt he.. etc etc. But he did. I just asked him how he was, told him how I was. Said I missed him and hope he still thinks about me. He said what would make me think he doesnt still think of me everyday. He misses me too. He kept his comments short, but at least they were what I needed to hear. I told him I am starting counseling tomorrow and he wished me the best with that and said he was proud I took that step. That was it. He did tell me he loved me when he hung up. It was hard... but it did help so much, because i was beginning to think he was already over me (ridiculous, but of course I would think it). I think I will be ok and be able to go awhile again with NC.. this just helped knowing he still knows i exist. So... ok I shouldnt have done it, but I did and I will likely be thinking of his voice all night, wishing i could have said one more thing, wishing i could hear it again... all things I wouldnt of had to deal with in NC... but for me right now, it was worth it.

 

Dont' beat yourself up over it.. It happend to me a few time while trying to remain in NC with Xmm. Learn from it.. and go back to NC. Stay strong you will get there.

 

AP:)

[Cagney]

It's hard for me to admit this here.... but I broke NC today. I passed xMM on the road, first time I actually physically saw his body for weeks... have seen his vehicle, but not close enough to see him. I had to do it, I called. He picked up. Thank god he picked up. If he hadnt picked up this may have been way more tragic cause then i would wonder how he was strong enough to not pick up, why didnt he.. etc etc. But he did. I just asked him how he was, told him how I was. Said I missed him and hope he still thinks about me. He said what would make me think he doesnt still think of me everyday. He misses me too. He kept his comments short, but at least they were what I needed to hear. I told him I am starting counseling tomorrow and he wished me the best with that and said he was proud I took that step. That was it. He did tell me he loved me when he hung up. It was hard... but it did help so much, because i was beginning to think he was already over me (ridiculous, but of course I would think it). I think I will be ok and be able to go awhile again with NC.. this just helped knowing he still knows i exist. So... ok I shouldnt have done it, but I did and I will likely be thinking of his voice all night, wishing i could have said one more thing, wishing i could hear it again... all things I wouldnt of had to deal with in NC... but for me right now, it was worth it.

 

That conversation resulted in your hypothalmus releasing a swarm of peptides that stimulate your entire body. It DOES make everything seem OK doesn't it?

 

But you'll crash again, likely within a few hours. Your mind will start working the scenario(s), and before long the anxiety pain will be back and the only thing that will feel good, soon, is another hit off that thing you're addicted to.

 

Periodic "tokes" only "seem" to make things better.

Only cold turkey, for a fairly long haul will permanently get you released.

 

You'll soon enough become an expert on this.

I don't mean to sound cruel, but I really hope for the best for you - and the quickest permanent recovery possible.

[findmyway]

Thanks Cagney, I ustand your points. I do feel ok about this though. Prior to this, we had barely been able to go 2 days NC and we have made it a couple weeks now.. and the phone call was less that 3 minutes today... so progress is definitely being made. At this point, that is all I can ask for. I never would have believed I could go a day without him prior to all this... so any progress is good. Tomorrow I start counseling, so perhaps that will help me make it quite a bit longer this next time. Tonight luckily i am not feeling too many reprecussions. Lucky for me something has come up tonight about planning a fun trip for later this yr with family and I got some good news about that so my mind has been focused on that. The trip is still months out too so perhaps it will give me something else to be excited for. I used to always look forward to my trips with MM, I need to fill that void w/other things. So looks like I am on my way!

[GreenEyedLady]

It's hard for me to admit this here.... but I broke NC today. I passed xMM on the road, first time I actually physically saw his body for weeks... have seen his vehicle, but not close enough to see him. I had to do it, I called. He picked up. Thank god he picked up. If he hadnt picked up this may have been way more tragic cause then i would wonder how he was strong enough to not pick up, why didnt he.. etc etc. But he did. I just asked him how he was, told him how I was. Said I missed him and hope he still thinks about me. He said what would make me think he doesnt still think of me everyday. He misses me too. He kept his comments short, but at least they were what I needed to hear. I told him I am starting counseling tomorrow and he wished me the best with that and said he was proud I took that step. That was it. He did tell me he loved me when he hung up. It was hard... but it did help so much, because i was beginning to think he was already over me (ridiculous, but of course I would think it). I think I will be ok and be able to go awhile again with NC.. this just helped knowing he still knows i exist. So... ok I shouldnt have done it, but I did and I will likely be thinking of his voice all night, wishing i could have said one more thing, wishing i could hear it again... all things I wouldnt of had to deal with in NC... but for me right now, it was worth it.

 

 

Don't feel bad...Breaking NC is totally normal...Every real OW has done at least once...

 

And if they're really honest, it's probably closer to the double digits...

 

You have to do what's right for you...If you can handle it better with limited contact, then do that...Just set your boundaries, your expectations and go from there...

 

(((HUGS)))