starfish36 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Okay, I posted in the Infidelity forum a while back if you'd like to read it. I am married (a little over 5 yrs.) and have been having an EA for about 10 months now with a MM. We (me and MM) have tried to "cool it" several times but it is difficult since we work together. My marriage at home has gotten a little bit better but I'm so afraid, yet happy, that I've found something I never knew. My lover and I truly believe we are soulmates. We still, after 10 months, finish each others' sentences and even do the same gestures at the same time, whether it's a scratch on the nose or clearing our throats or saying the same things at the same time. He has two kids, I have one. We have said the same thing over and over, "what are we going to do?" We are so afraid to shake up the kids' lives and I don't want to hurt my H to that extent either, knowing darn well I'm hurting him without him even knowing it. I feel awful but cannot control these feelings I have for my lover. If I were to leave my H, how do I tell him??! How do I tell my family? His family? We are so afraid of all the hurt to everyone else, which is why we haven't come out with it. We have sat and seriously cried together because we're so afraid we have found what's truly meant to be but may not ever have it. My H and my lover's W are not bad people. We just don't feel connected at all. What scares me is that my H could try anything to spark it up but I'm afraid I have nothing left, knowing how it could be. So, my question I guess, has any MM/MW, having an affair, or who has had one, left their spouse to be with their gf/bf, and if so, how did it turn out and how did you explain yourself? Seriously, what do I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Sorry you are going through this... Wish you luck on whatever you decided. It will not be an easy road and unfortunately there is not a way out without hurting the SO in this situation. Botton line is you guys are both cheating and are both married, a bit too late to walk away clean. No matter how you try to end your marriage, it is going to need a HELLA OF a good explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 If I were to leave my H, how do I tell him??! How do I tell my family? His family? We are so afraid of all the hurt to everyone else, which is why we haven't come out with it. We have sat and seriously cried together because we're so afraid we have found what's truly meant to be but may not ever have it. How to tell him? You will have to go with the truth, and you and your MM will have to simultaneously tell your spouses. Say, "I'm sorry, but I do not love you in the way that a person should love another person when they are married". "Married other person" is the person that I want to be with, and I think that it would be best if we separated and moved toward divorce." Be firm, and have a plan to move out ahead of time. Do not drop this on them and expect to stay in the marital home. If you lie or omit your relationship with each other it will eventually be exposed and blow right up in your faces. Ugly divorces get uglier when OW/OM pop up "unexpectedly". Don't expect your spouses to be happy about it. They may want to hold on, they may not. You weren't honest in the marriages - the least you can do is be honest on your way out. Oh, and another thing - make sure that if you are leaving you don't have one of those MM who promise to leave and then don't do it. He needs to know you won't do that to him either. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 I agree with LB. Tell your H the full, open, honest, up front truth. Expect him to be stunned at first, and then increasingly more hurt/depressed/angry as it all starts to sink in. Be ready to move out, if that's what he insists you do. If you're not willing to do so, then be ready to deal with the "in your face" emotional drama that this is going to create. Your H is likely to be hurt FAR beyond any of your expectations, assuming he hasn't seen this coming. Be ready to handle that. There's no "nice" way to do this. His pain was a foregone conclusion from the moment the affair started. You know "what to do". There's no magical way to make this into something nice and pleasant that everyone will just accept and understand. All you can do is to "fess up", tell the truth, and deal with the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
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