Elliott Reuban Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 By all accounts, I think we are pretty normal, except maybe for this. I am a professional, make a better than average income, have a family who really loves me. About 4 years ago, my wife's best friend, who we had known for 15 years, was experiencing a terrible time in her marriage. Husband was abusive and had developed an alcohol problem. They seperated for a time, she dated a bit, but it came down to her wanting to give her children a decent home. They got back together, him agreeing to limit the alcohol, the abuse stopped but she would never have sex with him. He agreed. Well, that brought me into the picture but not how you would think. My wife set us up, at first it was sex as a threesome but the girls always left each other alone. Then my wife set us up in hotel room just the two of us. I thought I was living every man's fantasy. Well, after that night in the hotel room, everything changed. My wife realized she had gone too far. My wife wasn't really mad at her friend, but more at me. We worked it out over a couple of weeks and life went on for us. From that point (the hotel), we have never been able to have contact with the best friend. My wife has called dozens upon dozens of times, no return calls. We both have sent her emails and cards. The email I use at work has a tracer program on it, from didtheyreadit.com, so I know she has gotten the emails. One email, I said that we missed the friendship, that it was the only thing that ever counted, etc. She has read that email 5 times over the last two years. Everytime she opens it, I get another notification, yet she still doesn't respond. Every once and a while, she pops into both our heads. My wife misses the friendship, I am sometimes perplexed at what I miss. My wife and I have a very good sex life, life is generally good. But that time in my life was very interesting. A few of our close friends knew what was going on and it was sort of an ego thing for me. Any ideas on the no contact? Its been a long time, don't know if there is much to salvage anymore, but it is strange. We had gotten together for about a year previous to the hotel night alone. We were all very close. We live far enough away that dropping by isn't practical. But I don't think we want to rekindle, just try to figure out what happened. In many of the emails, we said, just let us know why. But nothing. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 She obviously doesn't want any contact with you two. So leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Hi Elliot..(I hope that's not your REAL name BTW..a lot of crazies out there).. Anyway...it seems that your friend decided that friendship was just not salvageable. I am sure after things "went too far" she felt like an unwanted intruder in your marriage. After all, how mnay women LET their H have sex with another woman? What is it exactly you are trying to gain by having contact with this woman again? Because I could kind of see why she is not responding to your attempts to contact her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elliott Reuban Posted March 10, 2008 Author Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't want contact. Just looking for the why on her part. We were the closest of friends, sharing so much. Our families were intertwined...like I said friends for many many years before the sex... Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't want contact. Just looking for the why on her part. We were the closest of friends, sharing so much. Our families were intertwined...like I said friends for many many years before the sex... Having sex together has the tendency to make 'just being friends' afterwards impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 You guys are obviously swingers... Probably something that she is not into as a lifestyle???!!! It could be that she felt like you guys treated her like something disposable for your own pleasure and not like the human being that she is. Not everyone's head is equiped for this lifestyle and there are some that think they are, after they do it the mentality changes. Leave her alone and take the loss... next time find someone that is experience in this kind of living and not a BFF! I am surrounded by this kind of couples and offer entertainment for the community- but have never participated in the act and refuse to because it is not my sexual character. She probably felt horrible! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't want contact. Just looking for the why on her part. We were the closest of friends, sharing so much. Our families were intertwined...like I said friends for many many years before the sex... She is probably embarassed about what happened and wants to forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elliott Reuban Posted March 10, 2008 Author Share Posted March 10, 2008 No not swingers. We had never done anything like this before her or after. We had been getting together for a year before the night alone. My wife set this up with her friend. Friend was very excited, we met for dinner before hand, had a 2 hour dinner, talked and talked. She seemed just as comfortable with the situation up through the night alone. That's why it is confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't want contact. Just looking for the why on her part. We were the closest of friends, sharing so much. Our families were intertwined...like I said friends for many many years before the sex... What "why" on her part???!!!! THen you should have thought consequences. Sounds like you and your wife too advantage of this person's vulnerability. Leave her alone!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 No not swingers. We had never done anything like this before her or after. We had been getting together for a year before the night alone. My wife set this up with her friend. Friend was very excited, we met for dinner before hand, had a 2 hour dinner, talked and talked. She seemed just as comfortable with the situation up through the night alone. That's why it is confusing. Ok then, I dont know what to tell you if you're not swingers. Basically you guys wanted to live your fantasy? fantasies should be left as fantasies!!! Hey I am not one to judge... things could get steamy, and 3 people end up engaging onto a 3 some. Been in Cancun plenty of times but this was planned out... bad bad bad!!! jk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elliott Reuban Posted March 10, 2008 Author Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't want contact. Just want to figure out why she won't have any contact at all before this. Trust me, she wasn't embarrassed, the friend was having a lot of fun coming down by us and going out, etc. We knew each other for 15 years, when her youngest was in the hospital with a serious illness, we were there, we had a genuine friendship that was more like family (except for the sex). No matter what happened, we had always been there. The friend wanted what was missing in her marriage. We had always been very close, it was for one year or so...working fine. Then boom. Nothing. Why nothing. Why not, hey, my husband found out and says no contact. How about something. Why absolutely nothing. It is weird. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Ok, I think you want to hear what You want to hear... I am not getting it because you are not clear. The acts where going on for a year or the hanging out was going on for a year? I feel like you will be a happy camper if she just came back and started stroking it with you guys again. She perhaps foud a OM that brings her satisfaction is an intimate setting and not in a 3 some. Dont know what to tell you, but if I was her, I would have filed for harrassment already!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 My wife has called dozens upon dozens of times, no return calls. We both have sent her emails and cards. The email I use at work has a tracer program on it, from didtheyreadit.com, so I know she has gotten the emails. Let it go. If you have to use a spy program to spy on her to see if she received your messages, then you guys need some help professionally to help you get over it. Seriously, if it bugs you and your wife so much, then seek counselling to help you get closure. Leave her and the OM alone, they obviously have moved on.....Their silence says something... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't want contact. Just want to figure out why she won't have any contact at all before this. Trust me, she wasn't embarrassed, the friend was having a lot of fun coming down by us and going out, etc. We knew each other for 15 years, when her youngest was in the hospital with a serious illness, we were there, we had a genuine friendship that was more like family (except for the sex). No matter what happened, we had always been there. The friend wanted what was missing in her marriage. We had always been very close, it was for one year or so...working fine. Then boom. Nothing. Why nothing. Why not, hey, my husband found out and says no contact. How about something. Why absolutely nothing. It is weird. Um, it is entirely possible that she wasn't embarassed about what happened until AFTER it was over. Happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 There are a ton of possible reasons why she wouldn't want to continue the friendship with the two of you. Guilt over having cheated on her H. Embarassment at having "gone too far" and knowing that your wife was hurt by what happened. Feelings for you that conflicted with her desire for you and your wife to remain together. (hard to go back to 'just friends' after that) Desire to rebuild her marriage or pursue a relationship with someone else, and scared that the "past" could come up to haunt her. The list can go on and on. The question is...why are you so concerned about the "why"? She's made a choice, and she's stuck to it. Why does this bother you and your wife? What will knowing the answer accomplish for you and your wife? It just is what it is... Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Having sex together has the tendency to make 'just being friends' afterwards impossible. I think this probably hits it right on the head about what this other person is thinking right now - that she doesn't want to have anything more to do with you and your wife, and has enacted "NO CONTACT." Seems pretty simple to me. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 It could be anything... *Feeling like moving on and banishing any memory of her old life *A bad experience when she was vulnerable where she feels hurt or taken advantage on - granted this could be after the event but nevertheless * Maybe she wanted a relationship like yours and your W's * Maybe she developed feelings for you or your wife and wanted to extricate herself from the relationship *maybe maybe maybe What I would concetrate on is she HAS NOT contacted and therefore it matters little, why. Sure, you can wonder but no-one can offer you the real insight except her. And since she is in no contact with either of you, you need to respect that and leave her alone. Leave your happy memories in the past. Could it be that you're thinking about it so you can revisit that time of high ego-boosting and her lack of contact is knocking it? Just wondering... Link to post Share on other sites
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