How did your MM / MW react when you ignored them?

[Gwyneth]

I was just wondering, to those who are or were the OW/ OM, how did your MM / MW react when you ignored them?

 

Did they want you even more, or accept that you were ignoring them?

[InvisibleGirl]

When im not in touch with him internetional or not he starts to worry about me and freaks. We've tried less contact with each other recently and it never lasts more than a few hours since we start missing each other too much...

 

 

I wouldnt just ignorne him without telling him that I no longer wished to speak with him.

 

 

I certainly wouldnt be ignorning him if i were having his child, he better be ready to pay the piper...

[Gwyneth]

This isn't a current situation for me, I was just wondering in general what happened. In the past I did ask him to please leave me alone and he couldn't. And it seemed the more I ignored him, the harder he tried to make that difficult for me. I was thinking that had he just respected my wish and left me alone, I wouldn't be in this situation right now. I am also curious if ignoring someone intentionally works by making the person your ignoring more persistent, or actually does make them leave you alone.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have to admit, that the times I was at the point where I was ignoring them I didn't really care one way or the other how they reacted. I basically just walked away, with no question or comment and never looked back.

[phoenixgirl]

Yeah, every time I've tried NC/ignoring, he freaks a little (like this last week) - even though he's planning on going home, he still hates it. He latches on to me like a leach and won't leave me alone, tells me all the things I want/need to hear, and is generally the sweetest, most loving human being in the entire world.

 

I think I said this somewhere else: I used to think that was because he realized, in the midst of NC, that he just couldn't live without me. I now feel that it was (for him) an unconscious ploy to keep me hooked... and of course, I let him reel me back in every time. He just couldn't stand the thought that *I* might be able to live without *him*, though of course it's perfectly okay and feasible for *him* to live without *me*. I think it's a control issue, whether he's aware of it or not. Sure, he's going back home to W; but Goddess forbid I should try to dictate anything in the relationship by calling any of the shots and setting up any of my own boundaries by implementing NC.

 

Sorry if that sounds cynical, but that's just kind of where I am right now.

[LadyDi]

I've never ignored MM, but he's ignored me during times of NC. I respected the NC, I didn't try to contact him, if he forgot or was ignoring me I just thought we were in NC, in otherwords I didn't know I was being ignored, I thought it was all part of NC! Duh. But no, it didn't make me try that much harder to get his attention. It was brutal, but it was his wishes at the times and I had to honor that.

 

On the other hand, the few times I was more quite than usual around him, he may have taken it as me ignoring him, he would up the texting, IM's etc. But if I had ever said stop, I know he would have.

[InvisibleGirl]

Depends on the guy and what it is he is really looking for. Some it may make them realize how unhappy they are at home and either they'll need to start working on the marragie again or decide they want to leave or just look for another OW to remedy the situation again.

 

my MM has told me if I told him to never speak to me he would have no choice but to obey my wishes. Whether or not thats what would happen I can only say if I actually told him i was pulling the plug.

 

 

 

(He just called while I was typing this )

[malaclypse]

I was just wondering, to those who are or were the OW/ OM, how did your MM / MW react when you ignored them?

 

Did they want you even more, or accept that you were ignoring them?

 

She started sending me texts like "**** me" or "i want you now"...

[findmyway]

Lady Di- why did he eventually break no contact??

 

Also- general question- can we send Private Msgs somehow on this board or not? I don't see the option anywhere.

[Gwyneth]

Lady Di- why did he eventually break no contact??

 

Also- general question- can we send Private Msgs somehow on this board or not? I don't see the option anywhere.

 

Yes you can. YOu need to enable that option in your user cp panel.

[OWoman]

Also- general question- can we send Private Msgs somehow on this board or not? I don't see the option anywhere.

 

FMW you get the PM facility after posting a sub-minimum number of posts, and being around for a while (I think it's a month?) so you probably won't have the facility yet.

 

Unless of course you get an infraction - then the mods can PM you!

[findmyway]

I see... ok thank you... not trying to hijack this thread sorry!!!

[LOVE DAISIES]

Yes....The MM in my situation DID seem to contact me more

once he thought I was deliberately not responding to his emails etc....

I agree with PhoenixGirl.I think it IS a control issue, and not about them

wanting to make a decision about us. It's pretty annoying to be honest.

He SAYS he'll respect my wishes...but after a few days...I hear from him.

I think HE likes to be the one to dictate the way things play out.If I show any sign of following up on the NC I think it freaks him out because he

is not used to ME being in control and not him. I think that's what it boils down to.

Hope that answered the question for you.

[NotMyselfNEmore]

My Married Man simply ignored me back when I did NC. I'm sure he was relieved that I stopped contacting him because our last encounter we had, he couldn't keep up with me and ended up shooting his gun before I was ready to bring down the house.... if you know what I mean

 

He was so embarrased that all he could do was talk to me about the weather during a few emails and then, I stopped answering and he stopped emailing me.

 

I think that mostly, MM are looking for someone to prove that they are actually worth something (emotionally or sexually) because they have disconnected with their wives to the point that they feel worthless. So us, OW give them that new "air" that makes them feel more like a Hero or something... I don't know but once my "hero" lost his sword.... there was nothing left other than retreat from the battlefield, looking down and dragging his shield on the ground. :lmao:

 

And I wouldn't have it any other way! I went ahead and found me someone who was actually available AND didn't let the wind out of his sail too soon.:lmao:

[Lookingforward]

I think that mostly, MM are looking for someone to prove that they are actually worth something (emotionally or sexually) because they have disconnected with their wives to the point that they feel worthless.

 

I think you're right NMEM and if that isn't the saddest commentary on what a M shouldn't be I don't know what is, yet over and over BS will not "own" their part in his looking elsewhere for validation.

Edited March 10, 2008 by Lookingforward
typo

[Gwyneth]

I agree with what NotMyselfNEmore said too, which is why I always say it really does take two for a marriage to fail. But many BSs will not own up to that.

[LadyDi]

Lady Di- why did he eventually break no contact??

 

Also- general question- can we send Private Msgs somehow on this board or not? I don't see the option anywhere.

 

 

He broke contact because I guess he worked things out at home, meaning he calmed things down, and wanted to continue the A. He says he misses me etc etc, blah blah blah..... I'm sure thats it, not the sex.......

[whichwayisup]

which is why I always say it really does take two for a marriage to fail. But many BSs will not own up to that.

 

Most BS's will admit their mistakes that made the marriage not so great, but NO BS is going to take the blame for their spouses choice to cheat. That is a choice the cheater made on their own. They choose to cheat instead of communicate.

 

Also- general question- can we send Private Msgs somehow on this board or not? I don't see the option anywhere.

 

You won't have PM's enabled until you are here for atleast a month and have a certain number of posts. Not sure what the post count is, maybe 50 or something.

[trifecta]

But, But ,But...many betrayed spouses will not own up to... exactly what?

 

Please explain what it is you want me to...own up to.

 

TriMax

[Jess-Belle]

But, But ,But...many betrayed spouses will not own up to... exactly what?

 

Please explain what it is you want me to...own up to.

 

TriMax

 

You know, that the mean ol BS drove their desperate spouse into the arms of the waiting AP... never mind the fact that an emotionally healthy person would just leave such a relationship, not try to numb it out by jumping into someone else's arms... but, whatever it takes to feel blameless!

[trifecta]

You know what Jess...I don't find the OW/OP offensive.

 

What I find offensive is plain ol igNORance.

 

I try, I try , I try to remember patience is a virtue.

 

50 more times on the blackboard tonight should do it.

 

for now-

 

TriMax

[Jess-Belle]

True, true

[Gwyneth]

Well, I can't say I do agree that All BSs are partially at fault. There are many who are the perfect wives but their husbands are just scumbags. Then again, we don't know every detail of what goes on behind the scenes. Mrs. Wife might be saying she's innocent and la di da, but we don't know that for sure. But some men are just prone to cheating no matter whom their partner is (like the MM I ended up with).

[Jess-Belle]

Well, I can't say I do agree that All BSs are partially at fault. There are many who are the perfect wives but their husbands are just scumbags. Then again, we don't know every detail of what goes on behind the scenes. Mrs. Wife might be saying she's innocent and la di da, but we don't know that for sure. But some men are just prone to cheating no matter whom their partner is (like the MM I ended up with).

 

That's a pretty great example of neutral thinking.

 

The important detail imo though is that while BOTH parties contribute to the demise of the relationship, a person's choice to have an affair is their choice alone. I think this is where people tend to blur the lines... some equate demise of the relationship with having an affair. I see them as two separate things.

 

It's not like it's even the only choice that can be made.

 

When my previous 6-year relationship was first hitting its lowest point, rather than get into an affair, I got into something else... drugs.

So what, are people going to say that my bf at the time drove me to try drugs? That it was his fault? Doubt it... I think a lot of people would say perhaps I was unhappy with my bf, but it was my choice to start doing drugs. He wasn't responsible for that. And I agree.

 

So why is it that if it's an A, it's the other person's fault somehow? The only thing I can think of really is that it's the necessary thought process used by the AP (and the WS) to exonerate themselves.

[nadiaj2727]

That's a pretty great example of neutral thinking.

 

The important detail imo though is that while BOTH parties contribute to the demise of the relationship, a person's choice to have an affair is their choice alone. I think this is where people tend to blur the lines... some equate demise of the relationship with having an affair. I see them as two separate things.

 

It's not like it's even the only choice that can be made.

 

When my previous 6-year relationship was first hitting its lowest point, rather than get into an affair, I got into something else... drugs.

So what, are people going to say that my bf at the time drove me to try drugs? That it was his fault? Doubt it... I think a lot of people would say perhaps I was unhappy with my bf, but it was my choice to start doing drugs. He wasn't responsible for that. And I agree.

 

So why is it that if it's an A, it's the other person's fault somehow? The only thing I can think of really is that it's the necessary thought process used by the AP (and the WS) to exonerate themselves.

I like the drug analogy. I think every person is responsible for their own decisions. Cheating is a just plain bad decision no matter which way you look at it (just like abusing drugs). If someone tries to claim that someone else "made" them cheat or "made" them do drugs (or even "drove" them or "caused" them or whatever), I think they are just shrugging off their own personal responsibility onto someone else. They are never going to get anywhere that way except whining away on boards like this, justifying why their actions are so right, because someone else's actions are so wrong. They have to get to the point where they say, "Yes, I had a lot of reasons/ excuses to do this, but lying and cheating is still a bad decision for me to make. It hurt other people and it hurt me, too, when I really think about it. Turning to this other person as a "solution" to my own problems got me no where, it got me even more problems (just like turning to drugs). How am I going to start making the right decisions and stop justifying behavior that is self-destructive as well as hurtful to others?"

Well, there is my little lecture for the day, same old same old LOL. I really do like the drug analogy because in a lot of ways affairs are similar to drugs--- they are addictive, comforting and exhilirating yet they lead to a crash and there are so many ups and downs and dramas. In the end you're turning to someone or something else instead of looking to yourself to solve your own problems. And they never make everyone happy... someone is always hurt, if not *everyone*!

Edited March 10, 2008 by nadiaj2727