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Just a question and not a flame starter


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I've been reading some threads on here tonight and a few also in my last year of being here at LS. I have a few questions, and I hope you all don't see it as being a flame starter because that isn't how it's intended at all.

 

If you are serious about dumping mm or ow and wanting to work on your marriage and do not plan on telling your SO the whole truth, how can you honestly even think that your M will stand a chance with such a big untruth lying there below the surface? Shouldn't you come completely clean so that you all can heal totally without lies between you?

 

 

Just wondering wouldn't it be better to be completely open?

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tnothing that is done under the sun is ever a secret. One day the truth will surface and it will make all matters worse.

Why lie if one day you wont have the guts to say the truth?

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I guess it depends on your motives for coming clean-if you just want to unload guilt-go for it, you deserve what you get.

 

The first person anyone should get honest with themselves-is themselves.

 

TriMax

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tnothing that is done under the sun is ever a secret. One day the truth will surface and it will make all matters worse.

Why lie if one day you wont have the guts to say the truth?

 

I agree, I feel that if you keep secrets, one day they will come back to bite you on the butt. Better to get all things out in the open, that way you both can heal from the rawness. Unfortunately, my M ended because he could not own up to the truth of what he did.

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I guess it depends on your motives for coming clean-if you just want to unload guilt-go for it, you deserve what you get.

 

The first person anyone should get honest with themselves-is themselves.

 

TriMax

 

I believe deep in my heart, that you must come clean completely in order to get past whatever it was that happened, whether you be the Ow,Mm or the Bs. You can't heal a wound if there's still dirt in it, so to speak.

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SoHotZanzibar

I would ask a marriage counselor. I remember this being a debate on a show like Oprah or Phil Donahue, and they both gave good points.

 

Be careful how you play this.

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-unless you are unloading guilt.

 

I agree festering wounds will never heal..trust me on thatta one.

 

I believe deep in my heart/head-check your motives

 

TriMax

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Lookingforward
If you are serious about dumping mm or ow and wanting to work on your marriage.....

 

 

Wouldn't this post be more appropriate over in the marriage section ?

 

You don't want it seen as a flame yet you post a question to a CS here ?

 

okaaaaaay

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My opinion only, if the BS doesn't know and you're ready to clean up your act, I wouldn't tell. Why hurt an innocent person? if you can move on w/out playing true confessions, thats what I would do. But that's not going to be the popular vote here.

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Hi justice. :)

 

I don't think that there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Life is infinitely messy and what works for one couple isn't necessarily the best solution for another.

 

And honesty is not always the best policy. If we were all 100% honest 24/7 I don't see how anyone could have any sort of relationship.

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bentnotbroken

Spoken like someone who doesn't want an honest existance. I don't like liars, so I don't lie. If that is a problem with the people I interact with, so be it. Since I follow God, he said to tell the truth, I do.

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surfcitysiren

In an ideal world, YES, absolutely it would be BETTER to come clean and work through it together.

 

The problem is that what would be the best thing in an ideal world and what the reality is are often two very different things.

 

I think in a situation were someone has been unfaithful the lies, problems and flaws that need to be addressed in terms of an affair need to be addressed and resolved honestly within the person who did the cheating.

 

Honesty is always the best policy, however, there ARE some situations where it will break a relationship, not strengthen it. The simple truth is that some people cannot handle the truth. The truth can cause more devastation in many cases.

 

My thinking is that while it is always best to be able to come clean and speak the truth in ANY situation, you just have to be willing to let go of the outcome when you do.

 

There are people who are 'big' enough or emotionally resilient enough to deal with the truth of such a betrayal and those who will be devasted by it and not recover (and the relationship going with them).

 

As long as you are prepared for WHATEVER HAPPENS when you tell the truth, then go ahead and tell all. If not........then perhaps it's best to fix what was wrong within yourself and within the marriage by other means.

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bnb: While I'm truly sorry that you have been hurt so badly by cheating, I still stand by my answer. That's the answer that I sincerely would have given even before I cheated.

 

If I were the one cheated on I wouldn't want to know - whether the marriage survived or not. Just my opinion.

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I believe deep in my heart, that you must come clean completely in order to get past whatever it was that happened, whether you be the Ow,Mm or the Bs. You can't heal a wound if there's still dirt in it, so to speak.

 

This very thing has become a gnawing thing in he past several months. If you read my thread "Should I tell her husband" you'll see an amazing set of advice from others.

 

My motive for wanting to tell the truth to everyone that I love is MOSTLY about what you've just said. But motives are never just one simple thing. Mine is complex. Yes, there is anger and a sick desire to hurt her. Yes, her husband deserves to know the truth about her. There is hardly ANY of that old 'purge to men and get God's forgiveness' ...none of that. It's about ME now. I can't sleep nights, trying to resolve what a liar I turned in to. (Please spare me the Dick Tracy wisdom: "Why didn't I know that while I was doing it?")

 

Just mostly two things:

How can I become an honest man again if I'm going to hide this HUGE 7 year lie?

... (This is a MACRO lie, not just some tiny white lie)

 

How could I "just move on" and present a phony apearance to my friends and loved ones unless they know the real me (what I've become for 7 years).

Edited by Cagney
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Just wondering wouldn't it be better to be completely open?

 

You'd think!!! I don't understand either myself :confused:

 

But how would the BS ever find out if it was a secret between the married person and their affair partner?

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You'd think!!! I don't understand either myself :confused:

 

But how would the BS ever find out if it was a secret between the married person and their affair partner?

 

I have seen many affairs and cheating exposed by a third party (heck, I've been that third party a few times). Also I have seen a few exposed by sheer accident.

 

Often the parties believe they are careful and exposure would never happen. They also believe it is no one's business so others should not get involved. However, it is a very real possibility.

 

I don't condone affairs. Honesty is the best policy (especially for the unhappy and wayward spouse of partner). People do talk and notice things. It is a small world and you never know.

 

If you play with fire, the chances are that at some point you will get burned.

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I have seen many affairs and cheating exposed by a third party (heck, I've been that third party a few times). Also I have seen a few exposed by sheer accident.

 

Often the parties believe they are careful and exposure would never happen. They also believe it is no one's business so others should not get involved. However, it is a very real possibility.

 

I don't condone affairs. Honesty is the best policy (especially for the unhappy and wayward spouse of partner). People do talk and notice things. It is a small world and you never know.

 

If you play with fire, the chances are that at some point you will get burned.

 

Agree :love:

 

My ex-MM and I were not very secretish about our affair. We'd mostly be very "close" while he was at work and I know people noticed--heck, some people even said things that would convince me they knew. Most of his coworkers know as well, but I am not sure they know his wife (yet at least). The other customers though I doubt they'd tell his wife unless they know her and MM doesn't know that (never know who's spying on you). I guess that's his problem, not mine. He is the one that made it Very obvious--I was always descrete.

 

Example...this stranger (a lady) came up to me one day after observing MM talking to me, and said "He likes you...he has a Crush on you girl. Did you see how he was looking at you? He was all red and so happy every time he looked at you." I laughed it off and played dumb (of course...), but I did appreciate her observation. So I said to her that he's married. Her response, "Yeah, I can see that, but he likes you."

 

So if she noticed, then I am certain others have noticed as well, because every thing she was saying was very true.

 

Body language reveals so much ;)

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Wouldn't this post be more appropriate over in the marriage section ?

 

You don't want it seen as a flame yet you post a question to a CS here ?

 

okaaaaaay

 

 

No. It wouldn't. I've always posted usually on the OW/Om board here at LS. The best advice is here. And I'm not just asking the married ppl, I'm asking all of you who are in this situation. And I'm not married so I chose to post it here instead of the marriage board.

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Spoken like someone who doesn't want an honest existance. I don't like liars, so I don't lie. If that is a problem with the people I interact with, so be it. Since I follow God, he said to tell the truth, I do.

Kudos, Bent!

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I have seen many affairs and cheating exposed by a third party (heck, I've been that third party a few times). Also I have seen a few exposed by sheer accident.

 

Often the parties believe they are careful and exposure would never happen. They also believe it is no one's business so others should not get involved. However, it is a very real possibility.

 

I don't condone affairs. Honesty is the best policy (especially for the unhappy and wayward spouse of partner). People do talk and notice things. It is a small world and you never know.

 

If you play with fire, the chances are that at some point you will get burned.

 

 

I agree with you underpants, when my exH was having his affair, they thought they were the only two who knew about it. Not so.

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My opinion only, if the BS doesn't know and you're ready to clean up your act, I wouldn't tell. Why hurt an innocent person? if you can move on w/out playing true confessions, thats what I would do. But that's not going to be the popular vote here.

 

My point is this, how can you be honestly working on your marriage and trying to go forward with it, if you still aren't telling the truth. In my opinion, the wronged party definately needs to hear all of the truth so that they can make an informed and wiser decision. If you are starting to fix your relationship and there's still a lie or untruths there that you are building on, it's just not going to work. You can't build a good foundation on lies.

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I guess it depends on your motives for coming clean-if you just want to unload guilt-go for it, you deserve what you get.

 

The first person anyone should get honest with themselves-is themselves.

 

TriMax

 

I just feel that if you are going to work on your marriage that you need a strong foundation. Not one that is going to crumble because it's built on lies. The motive isn't guilt or anything other than there not being any lies between you and the one you are supposed to be working on things with.

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