Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Individuals who post sugar glazed fairytale “love conquers all” encouragement and CS-apologists, you are doing a grand disservice to your fellow OW. Encouraging OW to believe that CS is a lovestruck innocent is precisely the kind of saccharine mentality that permits OW to be exploited and victimized by those MM who are not primarily concerned with the emotional wellbeing of OW. It seems logical that MM’s actions revolve around you, the OW. But take heed, a cheater’s actions and decisions generally revolve around someone more important: themselves. A cheater must decide which decision will yield the best results for him/her in the long run. That’s all it is usually about: “What do I stand to gain from this?” Plenty of times, they don’t want to decide. They don’t even want to think about deciding. They will utilize whatever tactics they can come up with to buy time. Sometimes even they themselves believe that buying time will eventually lead to a decision. Sometimes they figure they will buy time until someone finds out or gives up and leaves. Cheating is, generally, about convenience. Cheaters can be amazingly crafty, manipulative, and deceitful to the point where it is second nature and assimilated to their own perception as normal or even non-existent. They must justify all actions to themselves in order to thrive. Is it possible that it is a one-time cheater with a heart of gold who married the wrong person and now really wants you, his newly discovered soulmate? Sure. But pretty likely, it isn’t. It’s got nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. And nothing you can do can change the type of person you are dealing with. You also don’t know what hidden issues could be fueling a cheater. Perhaps they are flat out hedonists, or sociopaths. Perhaps they are emotional cowards. Perhaps they are love addicts. Perhaps they are afraid of intimacy. Perhaps they choose to run away from problems rather than face them head on. These things aren’t going to go away by changing partners. So you still want to take your chances and try to wind up with this individual? You want to survive with your heart and sanity intact? Do yourselves a favor and realize the kind of person you’re probably dealing with. Know the risks. Know the statistics. Protect your heart. Don’t get too close. Don’t be swept away by the beautiful word-scapes that they paint for you. Stop rationalizing everything they say. Stop taking their “side”, because it’s likely they are not on yours. Know that YOUR logic does not equal their logic. So, encouragers and apologists, help protect your fellow OW. If she is compelled to follow this path she has chosen, encourage her to do so with unbiased eyes wide open. Sincerely, A Former Serial Cake-Eater for 15 Years Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Reformed christians become the biggest zealots... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Is it possible that it is a one-time cheater with a heart of gold who married the wrong person and now really wants you, his newly discovered soulmate? IF this is true, the A won't go on for long. A man/woman who realizes they've married the wrong person WILL divorce and go be with their so-called 'soulmate.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 Reformed christians become the biggest zealots... Then ignore the advice and take your chances in getting hurt. Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Hi Jess-Belle, Your words are very constructive and should be kept in mind in many if not most of the "OW" cases. The cold hard splash (slap?) of reality, or certain realities, must never be put out of one's mind. And, yes, many of the OW do get caught up in the what-ifs, even if instinct--somewhere, somehow--tells them it isn't going to happen. That said, the success stories here do have the right to post their stories as well as those who perhaps did not get what they wanted (or: did not get what they thought they wanted). In the case of those OW who did end up with their guys, the "sugar coating" you mention might simply refer to the positive frame-of-mind and discipline which brought about that happy result. But your words do remind women to heed the right warning... OE Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 IF this is true, the A won't go on for long. A man/woman who realizes they've married the wrong person WILL divorce and go be with their so-called 'soulmate.' This is true. I spoke to a MM once who reflected that once a certain amount of time passes, the MM accommodates to the guilt and discomfort of the A. Once the CS stops being instensely uncomfortable leading a double life, you have a big problem. I think he's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 Hi Jess-Belle, Your words are very constructive and should be kept in mind in many if not most of the "OW" cases. The cold hard splash (slap?) of reality, or certain realities, must never be put out of one's mind. And, yes, many of the OW do get caught up in the what-ifs, even if instinct--somewhere, somehow--tells them it isn't going to happen. That said, the success stories here do have the right to post their stories as well as those who perhaps did not get what they wanted (or: did not get what they thought they wanted). In the case of those OW who did end up with their guys, the "sugar coating" you mention might simply refer to the positive frame-of-mind and discipline which brought about that happy result. But your words do remind women to heed the right warning... OE Oh no, I didn't mean not to post success stories. The fact is, in a percentage of cases, a MM will end up with his OW. It's important to reflect accurate statistics. And referring to one's positive frame of mind and discipline, I feel, is precisely what I believe to be beneficial. It's blind encouragement that I believe to be dangerous. As well as those who constantly go about playing devil's advocate and rationalizing every single thing a cheater could pull. Trust me guys, it isn't the best idea to go around being spokespeople for individuals who are contributors to the high incidence of failed MM-OW relatinships. That is all. Glad you appreciated my post Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 IF this is true, the A won't go on for long. A man/woman who realizes they've married the wrong person WILL divorce and go be with their so-called 'soulmate.' A man/women who realizes they married the wrong person- dont wait till they meet OW/OM to make a move. (Ideally). If you married the wrong person, you get yourself a divorce before involving third parties and having to file with reasons other than a "No fault divorce". Before you creating families, breaking homes, and addind to the statistics of single parents, foreclosures, child psychology, court fees, blah blah blah. Being in finance, you will be surprise all the sectors that the association of "Homewreckers" and "Husbandwithoutborders" impact. LMAO!!!! Sorry at this point I chose to think that there are a very few good men/women. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Being in finance, you will be surprise I'm not in finance. But I did teach English long enough to recognise a hanging participle. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Hi Jess-Belle, That said, the success stories here do have the right to post their stories... OE I am very new here and highly doubt that I have the time to become familiar with many success stories... May I ask, what is considered a success story? Are we really going to see affair-turned into-serious relationship, free of drama and infidelity all over again? What starts bad ends bad!!! Believe that! Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 What starts bad ends bad!!! Believe that! Yeah, and don't forget believing in the easter-bunny or santa claus either. Real life is more complex. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Jess-Belle, I couldn't agree with your post more. It is refreshing to see someone own up to their past mistakes and try to pass some lessons learned on to others. You sound like a giving person who truly cares. I always find your posts really helpful and inspiring. I think that others do, too. I hope that some OW out there who are confused and hurting, like I used to be, will find some good advice in it. We women need to be strong and not rely on any man for our happiness or fulfillment, *especially* a man who is already married to another woman! It is nice to find someone who agrees (I know there are others). Thanks for the positive and encouraging post, it is really needed around here with all the negativity and petty and immature bickering about grammar or whatever. It made me smile! (hugs) ~Nadia Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Real life is more complex. I think that real life is as simple as you want it to be. Some people make it more complex and bring a lot of drama and chaos into their life. When I was an OW, I sure did. I had to grow up and realize that I was in charge of my own happiness, and to me, drama = unhappiness! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 May I ask, what is considered a success story? Are we really going to see affair-turned into-serious relationship, free of drama and infidelity all over again? What starts bad ends bad!!! Believe that! I suppose if you consider long-term monogamous marriages "bad", I'd have to agree with you. My father married his OW and more than 20 years later they're happier than ever, they've both been completely faithful to each other and their love has blossomed. If that's a bad ending, I'm sure it's one many OW wouldn't mind too much... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I am very new here and highly doubt that I have the time to become familiar with many success stories... May I ask, what is considered a success story? Are we really going to see affair-turned into-serious relationship, free of drama and infidelity all over again? What starts bad ends bad!!! Believe that! I would say that in my case, I consider it a success story.. we lived common-law for 18 years.. until I left.. otherwise I'm sure we'd still be together.. + I very doubt he ever cheated on me.. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I'm not in finance. But I did teach English long enough to recognise a hanging participle. Sorry OWoman, we are not here trying to get into Barney School of Business... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 Are we really going to see affair-turned into-serious relationship, free of drama and infidelity all over again? What starts bad ends bad!!! Believe that! Incidentally, my relationship started very bad (my now bf was my OM) and went through a ton of crap and drama, but it is now better than ever and headed towards a happy ending. But it was really a stroke of luck. I was still very much screwed up when I met him. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 How long has it been? You think one day you'll grow bored of him and cheat? I wish you the best of luck and hope it really works out for the both of you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 It's blind encouragement that I believe to be dangerous. I've not seen any "blind encouragement" here, though I have seen plenty of blind discouragement. I suspect what you're referring to are the posts that urge OW not to take to heart all the doom & gloom predictions about ALL MM being the same, ALL OW getting "kicked to the curb" and ALL As ending in the bin, but rather to look closely at their OWN situations, the bad AND THE GOOD, and make rational and informed choices for themselves. I don't see you over on the Marriage board telling MPs that they should all take heed, more than 50% of Ms end in D so they should free themselves now from the future pain and run away now because chances are, they'll be crying in their cornflakes later. So why do you feel the need to do it here, I wonder? (That's a rhetorical question, by the way.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 Jess-Belle, I couldn't agree with your post more. It is refreshing to see someone own up to their past mistakes and try to pass some lessons learned on to others. You sound like a giving person who truly cares. I always find your posts really helpful and inspiring. I think that others do, too. I hope that some OW out there who are confused and hurting, like I used to be, will find some good advice in it. We women need to be strong and not rely on any man for our happiness or fulfillment, *especially* a man who is already married to another woman! It is nice to find someone who agrees (I know there are others). Thanks for the positive and encouraging post, it is really needed around here with all the negativity and petty and immature bickering about grammar or whatever. It made me smile! (hugs) ~Nadia Why thank you Nadia. I always enjoy your posts as well. You sound very mature and enlightened I just wanted to add to my initial post that the danger behind offering blind hope is that many OW who are suffering from tremendous anxiety and pain cling to it readily and can even misinterpret it. I remember that feeling all too well. All I looked for were stories and posts that suggested that a happy ending could happen for anyone as long as they did this or that or tried hard enough. It helped me deny that factually most of the time it did not turn out a happy success story. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed my post Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Reformed christians become the biggest zealots... The image which sprang to my mind was of reformed smokers who become the biggest anti-tobacco crusaders Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 I've not seen any "blind encouragement" here, though I have seen plenty of blind discouragement. Some people believe that its flat out wrong to get involved with a married person. I can't disagree with them. I suspect what you're referring to are the posts that urge OW not to take to heart all the doom & gloom predictions about ALL MM being the same, ALL OW getting "kicked to the curb" and ALL As ending in the bin, but rather to look closely at their OWN situations, the bad AND THE GOOD, and make rational and informed choices for themselves. No, those aren't the posts I'm referring to. I'm referring to the ones like the one you just posted on another thread that can easily be misinterpreted to suggest that statistics are wrong and suddenly more and more MM are making the jump. It's all in how one words it. If I can misinterpret it, an aguished OW sure can. I don't see you over on the Marriage board telling MPs that they should all take heed, more than 50% of Ms end in D so they should free themselves now from the future pain and run away now because chances are, they'll be crying in their cornflakes later. So why do you feel the need to do it here, I wonder? (That's a rhetorical question, by the way.) Your ability to spin astounds me. I tell you again, go to law school. You're a diamond in the rough! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 The image which sprang to my mind was of reformed smokers who become the biggest anti-tobacco crusaders And it's bad to give people advice based on the way I cheated and used others for half of my lifetime because....? Stop being so defensive. Everyone reserves the right to go out and wind up used and tossed aside and to come back here and whinge about it for months, or have their chance happy ending. Or not. My original post was very neutral and made no use of absolutes. Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 And it's bad to give people advice based on the way I cheated and used others for half of my lifetime because....? ...because your gloating about your 'new-found integrity' is kind of annoying. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Jess, Just wanted to say that your post was excellent. I hope it motivates more women to end affairs or better still never even contemplate having one. I also agree with the posters that said that if a man really wants to be with the OW, he will do it within the first year without any relapses. If it carries on for too long, they are simply cake-eaters for sure. Buying time by manipulating the OW with the usual array of excuses such as kids, finances,family etc.. just shows that he has no intention of leaving for there never is a GOOD time to leave. Success stories are the rare exception to the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts