Will he go back?

[blueydchef]

I'm not going to go into the long sorted affair. We all know the story. We work together, he's my boss, I'm 23 he's 46, blah, blah, blah. We started working together in April of 2007, the affair began in October 2007, he left her and we moved in together in December of 2007, it is now March 2008. On the top layers everything is great. We rarely get into disagreements, there's a great amount of affection, we laugh, sex life is great, and we honestly enjoy each other's company. (we'd have to, being that we work and live together we're literally together 24 hrs. a day usually) but even though we've lived together for 3 months still not a even a whisper of the "D" word. Which boggled me a little bit to begin with, then about a month ago at work I accidently saw an email from his wife. (I know what you're all saying, you don't "accidently" see an email, but it's true.

 

It was at work, I needed to look something up on his computer and he didn't close the message. end of story.) The message wasn't overly suggestive, it was just the usual i guess. "I can't live with you. blah, blah, blah" it was only about 3 or 4 lines, but at the end it was confirming a time they were to meet. Long story short, he eventually comes out with "I don't know what I want." I didn't blow off the handle, it's not really my way. However, anyone else would have been out the door and never to be seen again. He on the other hand was married for 15 years to this broad (the lack of respect to her is well deserved) and he's been with me for under 6 months. I'm trying to be understanding that this is not a black and white matter no matter how i want it to be. It's a big change. But would he really go back? The best way to sum her up is "crude,sloppy,abusive drunk" she drinks constantly, verbally and physically abusive.

 

If you're thinking the affair did this to her, she's been like this for the last 10-12 years. I've witnessed the train wreck first-hand a few months before the affair. It was very sad, and all's I can remember thinking is "wow...he deserves soo much better than that." The fact of the matter is, is that the marriage is basically over. She sings the story that everything will be fine if he would just come back home, she can forgive everything thats happened. Does he not see that nothing will change with her behavior?? On top of that if he does go back his leash will be so short he'll choke to death. I guess I'm just seeing if anyone else has gone through this, do they go back after seeing the light?

Edited March 6, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

He on the other hand was married for 15 years to this broad (the lack of respect to her is well deserved) and he's been with me for under 6 months.

You believe that he is going to throw away 15 years of marriage, a history with his wife, family (do they have children?) for an affair that's been going on for less than a year?

Does he not see that nothing will change with her behavior??

 

How do you know that? You're assuming. If they do marriage counselling and give their marriage another shot, I am sure she's going to try to change what's broke in the marriage and fix it.

 

On top of that if he does go back his leash will be so short he'll choke to death.

Rightfully so seeing as HE was the one who cheated on her. He is going to have to prove to her that HE is worthy of another chance.

 

I know you don't want to believe that he does love his wife, your heart won't allow that, but realistically, the ball is in MM's court now. His choice to go back home or to end his marriage.

[LOVE DAISIES]

I believe people CAN and DO change...if there's incentive to do so.

Will he go back to his marriage? There's a high probability.

It is possible to miss something or someone even if it was bad for us. It is a twisted form of human nature.

 

I don't want to discourage you, or for things to not work out with you...but your questions was is it possible he will go back? My honest answer is yes....and unfortunately for you, it's more likely that he will.

Even if it doesn't work out, and he realizes it's NOT what he wants.

[trifecta]

You asked it

Do they go back after seeing the light?

 

more often then not , yup they do.

 

TriMax

[OWoman]

bec - will HE go back? It's hard to say - some do, some don't.

 

You're right that a 15-year marriage takes a while to unravel and his W probably is clinging harder than ever, especially if she's as much a wreck as you describe (and my MM's W is the same) she's probably feeling his absence acutely.

 

If she's mailing him and clinging, that's not necessarily threatening. It all depends on his response. My MM's response to his W's post-separation clinging was to shake his head in complete horror, wondering how he'd managed to put up with such dysfunctionality for so long. It was literally only once he'd escaped from her clutches that he was able to get a proper, realistic view on her and their M, and really hear what everyone had been telling him all along about the damage she was doing him in the M.

 

Your MM has been away from her for three months. He's had a taste of normality. If he does choose to return to his damaged (and damaging) W, at least he'll know that he's choosing to live a damaged life rather than a healthy one, and YOU'LL know that he's too deeply damaged for you to be able to fix. If he does choose to stay, you'll know he's on his way to healing.

 

Good luck - I hope it works out for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm more inclined to think that he will find it easier to stay than to start over anew with someone so young. I doubt he wants to go through all of that all over again. Besides, he may be used to it and in some way may even like it that way.

 

Here - read this and see if it offers any insight:

 

http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/towdipper.html

[trifecta]

Luc-

easier to stay? That really is pretty insulting.

 

Luckily I am wearing my breastplates of forged steel.

[noforgiveness]

Something seems to be missing from your post. You never mentioned the word love. Are you having fun? Is that all that matters? This man was out drinking beers in the local pub before you were even born. When you are a young gorgeous 43 do you really want to be on the arm of a 66 year old? Do you really want a future with this man or is this a game?

 

Leave this man and his wife alone. Find someone you can have it all with not some short term fun. If you had kids with this man he will be an old old man the day your kids graduate high school. Is this what you want? Are you proud that you go out and people think how nice dad and daughter enjoying a nice dinner together and then he leans in for a kiss and people think ohhh gross a man with money going through a midlife crises and a young woman desparate enough to go for it.

[Jess-Belle]

Luc-

easier to stay? That really is pretty insulting.

 

Is it? I think it's a pretty common way to feel. I stayed in a relationship for 6 years that I was utterly miserable in, and had numerous affairs. A big reason I didn't leave was because I didn't want to "start over". I imagine that if I was married, had children, and was 20 years older, that feeling would been intensified a thousand-fold.

[John Who]

Do they go back???? wll i was a MM had A wife divorce me and your damn right i wanna go back.

 

Listen bottom line is you allow the MM to do this THIS IS SO FUC-IN GREAT to us,why would we give up one for the other when the ow ALLOWS us to do this.

 

Damn i swear W are so commpetitve especially the ow they are always trying to compete with W,we realize this as M and use it to our advantage

 

Let me give you a example:say you were in a relationship with a man and he cheated on you,you would leave him right?..of course you would.

 

BUT say you are in a R with a MM obviously not only is he cheating on his W but he is also C on YOU with his W.

 

I'd like to thank ALL you OW for making it possible for us MM,because if it were not for YOU allowing US to string YOU along for so MANY YRS none of this would not be possible.

 

Now give yourself around of aplause.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Luc-

easier to stay? That really is pretty insulting.

 

Luckily I am wearing my breastplates of forged steel.

 

It wasn't meant to be insulting. For a good deal of people that far into a marriage, that settled, and that far into life - it is easier to stay than to start over again. Divorce and alimony and having to unravel more than a decade of life and family ties together on top of a new mortgage, new car payments, new house supplies, new vacations, new in laws, new traditions, etc. is just too much for some people to handle.

 

This is a woman at the beginning of a life - someone who is wanting to start a new life with someone whose 'been there done that' already - and moreover is twice her age. If she is expecting him to jump through hoops and be all excited about jumping out of one life and doing all of this over again - I think that would be expecting a little too much particularly when he's only invested six months into this affair.

[noforgiveness]

Do they go back???? wll i was a MM had A wife divorce me and your damn right i wanna go back.

 

Listen bottom line is you allow the MM to do this THIS IS SO FUC-IN GREAT to us,why would we give up one for the other when the ow ALLOWS us to do this.

 

Damn i swear W are so commpetitve especially the ow they are always trying to compete with W,we realize this as M and use it to our advantage

 

Let me give you a example:say you were in a relationship with a man and he cheated on you,you would leave him right?..of course you would.

 

BUT say you are in a R with a MM obviously not only is he cheating on his W but he is also C on YOU with his W.

 

I'd like to thank ALL you OW for making it possible for us MM,because if it were not for YOU allowing US to string YOU along for so MANY YRS none of this would not be possible.

 

Now give yourself around of aplause.

 

The sad thing is you say you are divorced and would love to go back and yet you are applauding the ow who helped you to destroy your marriage?

Do you have kids? Did you also mess up that relationship?

[John Who]

Well first of all i was being sarcastic.

 

Another thing what i posted IS the truth that is how us MM feel.

 

I learned my lesson the HARD way,iknow have to live my life without the love of my life.

 

These ow will the majority of them do not learn their lesson,it's just so pathetic and kind of sick reading the ow post,i say to myself damn i can't believe they actually believe the sh-t us ment tell them.

 

What it all comes down to us MM men only do what we get away with and the ow allows us to get away with ALOT.

[Jess-Belle]

It would be wise to pay a bit of attention to John Who, these forums are full of insight from the betrayed and from OW, but scarcely from a cheater, especially male ones.

[noforgiveness]

hmmm sorry didn't catch the sarcasm.

 

Did you have any thoughts to the love of your life when you were with the ow? Did you not care because you just figured you'd never get caught?

[noforgiveness]

It would be wise to pay a bit of attention to John Who, these forums are full of insight from the betrayed and from OW, but scarcely from a cheater, especially male ones.

 

 

unfortunately when a mm comes here who could actually offer insight the ow's instantly scream troll and bw at the poster and they chase them away. They don't want to see it and they don't want to hear it.

 

 

To the original poster. Next time you are out look at a gorgous little innocent 3 year old and then picture a 26 year old with her. Picture that little girls innocence and ask yourself if that 26 year old is who she should be with 20 years from now. I don't think that is the future you would want for that little innocent naive girl. What does your father think of the married man you are living with?

[Jess-Belle]

unfortunately when a mm comes here who could actually offer insight the ow's instantly scream troll and bw at the poster and they chase them away. They don't want to see it and they don't want to hear it.

 

LOL, really? What a shame. It would be very helpful to know and accept that a cheater's mentality is quite ruthless. Oh well.

[John Who]

I'll be the first one to throw stones at myself for having a emotional affair on my wife.

 

I did not think i would get away with it,im the one that came clean to my wife,unlike ow she was not going to put up with the crap she threw me out divorced me that was 2 yrs ago.

 

I will say i was foolish into thinking that i might be falling in love with ow.

 

That was a shame the thing is us MM are so good in lying to the ow we even start to believe are own lies at some point.

 

The ow are nothing but a ego boost,you woman are trying to compete with the W so bad,you give us men the compliments you make us your world it's all about us.

[Jess-Belle]

The ow are nothing but a ego boost,you woman are trying to compete with the W so bad,you give us men the compliments you make us your world it's all about us.

 

I'll admit to that even if no one else will. Man, how I started to hate the wife of MM. Everything he told me about her took an evil twist in my mind. She got pregnant right before they got married. Oooo that conniving slut, she planned it that way! She didn't know how to cook, at least in the beginning, and now MM did all the cooking most of the time. Wow, what a lazy incompetent bum she was! Poor MM had to buy his own cake on his birthday because wifey was too caught up in work. That neglectful bitch! I even began to insist to him how did he know she wasn't running around on him like he was on her?

 

He was clever, that MM. He tried to act really naive sometimes, and I was so caught up in my emotions, I couldn't tell it was a calculated game. He was almost 18 years older than me. And I really thought he couldn't outsmart me? He had me acting exactly as he wanted, because he knew I was desperate to be good enough for him to leave his wife for me. Well, until it all exploded in his face. But still, he had me going for a while.

[Tame]

So true about MM loving the fact that OW compete for their attention. They will very quickly pit the OW against the wife in some way. He usually says that the wife isn't all that so the OW tries like hell to be everything the W isn't. Sometimes they can really be stealth about it and say the W is all that which means the OW will try EVEN HARDER to out do her. But since men know that women don't want to know that they have sex, meaningful conversations and good times with the W the MM will usually paint the W out to be a dog.

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I actually saw the W of the MM who is trying to woo me. He was paying close attention to my reaction to her but I acted calmly. He seemed to enjoy the fact that I seemed at ease in wife’s presence b/c after she left he started to smile. I was at ease b/c there is nothing going on but also because I am competitive and realized that she and I are polar opposites. There is exactly NOTHING similar about us and I know if I got involved with MM he would fill my head up with about different I am from the W and how that symbolizes that I am more of the type of woman he wants to be with. He would take full advantage of my competitive nature. Thanks to John Who it is easier and easier to stay away from this potentially ridiculous situation since it helps to get more insight into the mind of a cheating man. Some do leave and some leave b/c they do get emotionally attached to the fantasy of being with the women who worships them, as opposed to the W who has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. The MM will live in a fantasy with the OW until he sees her flaws and/or until she starts to act like the W. At that point the fantasy is over and the MM figures he can go back to what is familiar and easy as opposed to having to start a R with a woman who now puts demands on him just like his W did. He reasons he might as well stay with the W leaving the OW to pick her face off the floor and realize she was competing with a woman she could never beat. If the W leaves its not likely the MM will stick with the OW because by then the newness has worn off and probably his respect for the OW is quite low at that point. He starts again with another woman he deems to be 'wife material' and the process starts over again unless the MM has finally grown to maturity and had enough of living on the edge on insanity. If not, he knows there is no shortage of women willing to take the risk to make a MM fall in love with them.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[OWoman]

The ow are nothing but a ego boost,you woman are trying to compete with the W so bad,you give us men the compliments you make us your world it's all about us.

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

You're the guy who left his W, took up with his OW, is now trying to have an A with his xW while living with his GF, right? Whose thread was full of everyone telling you to get a grip and start thinking beyond your own selfish viewpoint, right? And you're asking us to regard your perspective as balanced and objective?

 

Your view may be valid for YOUR situation, but there have been enough other MMs on here saying something completely else, and enough of us OW whose MMs have left their unhappy Ms for us who DON'T want to go back, for any rational reader to realise that your view is just one of many.

[whichwayisup]

See, this is why many MM do not post. There have been afew other MM who more or less have said the exact same thing that John has said, they got flamed as well. Ofcourse he isn't speaking for ALL MM, but he does represent some to a degree.

 

The MM who aren't leaving their wives, who say they will but don't.

 

Why not give this guy the same respect everyone else expects when they post. To be heard and not judged. Seems abit unfair that it's a double standard..

[OWoman]

See, this is why many MM do not post. There have been afew other MM who more or less have said the exact same thing that John has said, they got flamed as well. Ofcourse he isn't speaking for ALL MM, but he does represent some to a degree.

 

The MM who aren't leaving their wives, who say they will but don't.

 

Why not give this guy the same respect everyone else expects when they post. To be heard and not judged. Seems abit unfair that it's a double standard..

 

WWIU what I'm taking issue with is not John's view - he's as entitled to that as the next John - but the way he is universalising it and claiming that ALL MMs think that way, when very clearly that's not the case.

[John Who]

Yeah i am that man who fu-ked up his M,still does'nt change my view on ow.

 

I have many MM friends that feel the same way i feel.

 

What i am guessing you are pissed about is seeing from your name owoman,you are offended by what i am saying because the truth hurts.

 

Owoman my be your only accomplishment,maybe all you ever will be.

 

You want to attack me because i have a opinion,because my opinion hurts You.

 

My point is even though i am a cheating basta-d,does not mean i don't know what i'm talking about when it comes to how most MM see the ow.

 

Now if you want to give me low blows and cheap shots go ahead,but don't get you panties in a wald when i respond back

[whichwayisup]

WWIU what I'm taking issue with is not John's view - he's as entitled to that as the next John - but the way he is universalising it and claiming that ALL MMs think that way, when very clearly that's not the case.

 

But do you not see the irony here? What many OW claim about BS's or BS's claim about OW, is no different than what's going on here with John the MM.

 

He isn't speaking for ALL MM. It's kind of like Woggle when he says stuff, he isn't speaking about ALL women, even though at times he may come off that way, it isn't his intention. Gotta read between the lines abit with him and maybe with John it's the same way. (Okay, this makes sense in my head but not sure if it reads the way it's meant to read..lol)