Thinking of seeking counseling...

[findmyway]

Hi...

 

Some of you may have read my other post.. if so you know that I am dealing with a tough situation as many of us here are. I am the OW and am dealing with NC while my MM decides to divorce or reconcile. Along with that I am dealing with trying to focus on myself and improve myself as an individual rather than focus on his situation. I have tried counseling in the past and quit after 3 sessions because I was very disappointed in the counselor. I felt like she just sat there and stared at me. I felt like she was judging me even though she may not have been.

 

However, I am dealing with so many emotions and issues right now I think perhaps a good counselor could help. Here is where I need the advice... I have to stick to a list my ins company provides. Of them several are men and there are a few women. I have narrowed it down to a few men or one woman social worker/therapist. My last counselor was a woman. So I guess the question is is it better as the OW to see a woman or a man? i have never been particularly fond of the idea of spilling my life story to a man, but then again I think maybe he could really give me better insight into what my MM is going thru??? On the other hand, a woman may be able to understand me more.

 

It seems seeing one of the men may be more convenient because of times they have available, but if seeing a woman is a better bet I would go for inconvenient times if need be.

 

Any suggestions? And do some of you out there think counseling really does help you?

[Jess-Belle]

I'm in individual counseling now in addition to couples counseling. My individual counselor is a man. I discuss with him all of my issues regarding my past as OW, cheater and betrayed. He's very good.

 

If you're ready to heal and be very introspective, getting into therapy is an excellent idea. I highly recommend it.

 

I am sure all therapists are different in their approach, but I would expect that yours will have you spend more time discussing and analyzing what's going on with YOU through all this, rather than what's going on in the head of MM. The therapist will help you focus on you, and that will be very beneficial to you.

 

Best of luck!

[stampdaddy]

I believe to these counselors most things are "fundamental". In other words, they have seen all of our "issues" played out over and over. BUT, every situation is different and they are only hearing "one side of the story", but it is imperative that you find one when you think you need one.. TALK IT OUT. Most of the time, when you "talk it out loud", the ANSWERS are right there coming out of your mouth. JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELF

[Mino]

Hi, I have tried three. 2 womaen and one man. I thought both women were very jugemental, one was downright cruel. I perferred the man, he was kinda of old, more gentle, more understanding, fatherly like. Good luck,

[Findingme]

I believe to these counselors most things are "fundamental". In other words, they have seen all of our "issues" played out over and over. BUT, every situation is different and they are only hearing "one side of the story", but it is imperative that you find one when you think you need one.. TALK IT OUT. Most of the time, when you "talk it out loud", the ANSWERS are right there coming out of your mouth. JUST LISTEN TO YOURSELF

 

I TOTALLY agree! We just don't usually want to hear what we already know, at least that's where I'm at right now! LOL

[Meaplus3]

Hi...

 

Some of you may have read my other post.. if so you know that I am dealing with a tough situation as many of us here are. I am the OW and am dealing with NC while my MM decides to divorce or reconcile. Along with that I am dealing with trying to focus on myself and improve myself as an individual rather than focus on his situation. I have tried counseling in the past and quit after 3 sessions because I was very disappointed in the counselor. I felt like she just sat there and stared at me. I felt like she was judging me even though she may not have been.

 

However, I am dealing with so many emotions and issues right now I think perhaps a good counselor could help. Here is where I need the advice... I have to stick to a list my ins company provides. Of them several are men and there are a few women. I have narrowed it down to a few men or one woman social worker/therapist. My last counselor was a woman. So I guess the question is is it better as the OW to see a woman or a man? i have never been particularly fond of the idea of spilling my life story to a man, but then again I think maybe he could really give me better insight into what my MM is going thru??? On the other hand, a woman may be able to understand me more.

 

It seems seeing one of the men may be more convenient because of times they have available, but if seeing a woman is a better bet I would go for inconvenient times if need be.

 

Any suggestions? And do some of you out there think counseling really does help you?

 

I had good luck with a therapist while recovering from an ea. I found that therapy helped me to remain in NC...Also helped me to explore the issues in my marriage at the time.. and issues with myself. I think you should give it a try, I bet it could help a bunch. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[findmyway]

The one thing I am worried about is that it will end up hurting more than helping right now....

 

How do you know if you are ready? Or is when you think you aren't ready when you need it most??

[carhill]

Everyone's style preference is different, so finding the right fit is necessary. Sometimes that happens right away, sometimes it takes more than one interview.

 

We were lucky that a female friend who's a psychologist referred us to a male psychologist that she sensed would be perfect for me. He's engaging, has his own "opinions" and challenges me intellectually. I respect him, and, for me, that's important to the work.

 

Personally, I would recommend a psychologist for IC because, usually, issues covered there go back to childhood and psychologists are better/more highly trained in such issues. As long as the professional is competent, I don't think gender matters. Remember, a professional can be straight, gay, transgender, whatever. Everything isn't always as it seems. That's the first thing to toss out

[Meaplus3]

The one thing I am worried about is that it will end up hurting more than helping right now....

 

How do you know if you are ready? Or is when you think you aren't ready when you need it most??

 

Well.. In my case I knew I needed it because..I had to let it all out... I was just to overwhelmed. I did find it hard at first to share all that was going on.. but after a few session's I saw how that sharing was helping me..I got much stronger and was able to cope better in general..Just my thought's.

 

AP:)

[carhill]

The one thing I am worried about is that it will end up hurting more than helping right now....

 

How do you know if you are ready? Or is when you think you aren't ready when you need it most??

 

"Hurt" is subjective. Has 6 months of therapy "hurt" me? No way. It's helped immensely. Has it "hurt" our marriage? Unclear; I may be further down the road to divorce than I might have been prior, but therapy has really clarified the reasons for ending the marriage as much as it has for keeping it. That's the important part, IMO, clarity.

 

You'll never know for sure if you're "ready". You just make the appointment and try it. That was my experience. My wife did make the appointment, though, in fairness

[findmyway]

I had good luck with a therapist while recovering from an ea. I found that therapy helped me to remain in NC...Also helped me to explore the issues in my marriage at the time.. and issues with myself. I think you should give it a try, I bet it could help a bunch. Good luck.

 

AP:)

 

 

Does EA stand for end of affair? I am still figuring out some of the lingo.

[carhill]

EA= emotional affair (or attachment, for some)

 

PA= physical affair (like sex, but can also mean physical affection, to some)

[blind_otter]

IME therapy isn't working unless you are forced to face yourself. And most of the time it can be really uncomfortable. It's like they hold a mirror up to you, one that is not very flattering at all, and you must look into that image and understand it.

 

If you're not ready you will just walk out. You have nothing to lose.

[findmyway]

Thanks everyone for the help. I am full of all kinds of questions. Here is the next...

 

I have narrowed down my list of available therapists to a few. They have different credentials. The one I am most interested in is listed as LCSW, which is social worker. Her description those says she deals alot with M,D and relationship issues. I am concerned though if I should be going to someone more qualified like a licensed counselor or a psychologist??

[carhill]

If healthy intimate relationships have been an issue for you, I'd recommend a psychologist. I've worked with LCSW's in support groups (when I was caring for my mom) and they operated more as a sounding board rather than a focused mirror or lens. Quantum difference between that and a competent psychologist, IMO. Gender should not matter as to competence, but your perception of your "comfort zone" is relevant and should be considered.

[Jess-Belle]

Thanks everyone for the help. I am full of all kinds of questions. Here is the next...

 

I have narrowed down my list of available therapists to a few. They have different credentials. The one I am most interested in is listed as LCSW, which is social worker. Her description those says she deals alot with M,D and relationship issues. I am concerned though if I should be going to someone more qualified like a licensed counselor or a psychologist??

 

The therapist I am seeing is working on getting his license still; he is a Mental Health Counselor Intern. I know what you mean, I was doubtful at first. Our couples therapist is a Ph.D. but since he referred me to this individual therapist, I decided to trust his judgment. I was in the right!

 

If the one you are considering specializes in relationship issues, I think you will be in good hands. If anything, though, you can always try a different one. You will know quickly whether you really like your therapist and whether he/she is really helping you.

[Meaplus3]

Thanks everyone for the help. I am full of all kinds of questions. Here is the next...

 

I have narrowed down my list of available therapists to a few. They have different credentials. The one I am most interested in is listed as LCSW, which is social worker. Her description those says she deals alot with M,D and relationship issues. I am concerned though if I should be going to someone more qualified like a licensed counselor or a psychologist??

 

If you have the time you could alway's try one or the other and see which one work's better for you. I started with a male physchologist.. at the recco of a friend..I went to him for awhile and.. he was a nice man.. really good at hearing me..however, I was not getting a whole lot of direction from him..and I needed more of that..in order to sort through my mess. I ended up with a female psychologist,, and she offered more "tough love"..so to speak.. that was very helpful.... and it got me to talk more. This was just in my case.. and I'm not trying to say here that a female vs male is better in anway.. this is just how the dice rolled for me. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[nadiaj2727]

Hi findmyway.

 

I congratulate you on seeking counseling, that is a big step and I think you will find it very helpful!

 

Just remember that you can switch counselors if one doesn't fit well with you. My first counselor was a woman who was about 40 - 45 but she dressed like she was going to a club and she tried to "relate" to me (I'm 27) way too much by telling me her own life stories and all about her boyfriend and the daughter she had really young, etc. I was like, I don't want someone who needs a therapist more than I do ha ha. I think she had a Masters in counseling, and she worked at this counseling institute that was low-cost and that people went to after being mandating by the courts for being in trouble with the law or for having juvenile delinquency issues etc. I realized she wasn't the best for me and I left.

 

Another counselor has an Masters in Social Work and she was okay, but again, through a job-sponsored place and I could only go to her for six sessions for free. She was a lot older than me (about 65) and very blunt and said strange things. Like, once when I was crying about xMM she told me I was gaining weight and maybe I'm depressed because I was pregnant. Ummm no I'm here because I'm having emotional issues, and if you knew anything about me you would know I take my Birth Control Pill religiously, as it is my savior from small diaper-wearing snotty-nosed kids LOL. (Obviously I don't want children anytime soon... and there was no way in hell I was pregnant).

 

So there went that one. I *finally* found a really good one. I thought I only wanted female counselors (and I actually had a really good female counselor once for couple's counseling... she had a Masters in Marital and Family Therapy), but this one is a man, he is Buddhist (I am agnostic and he doesn't push Buddism but his treatment is centered around "mindful psychology" and he is really into the mind/ body connection and relaxation exercises and understanding dreams, etc.). He has a PhD and he costs more than the other counselors I've seen (although my insurance co-payment is the same $30 a session so it doesn't really matter for me). I don't know if he's more helpful because of his advanced degree or what. He has a lot of years of experience and he seems really dedicated to helping his patients. Every time I leave a session I feel so much better and stronger. It's like he understands me and knows how to help me. But I just found him about 3 weeks ago after trying other ones and "interviewing" a bunch of potential ones.

 

So I'm saying all of this to let you know that for me, it was a process. I had to find someone who "clicked" for me and it would have been easy to give up and say "this person isn't working, counseling must not be helpful for me." I had to realize what I wanted and then go find it. These are some guidelines that helped me find a perfect one, finally:

 

~ I started to refuse to talk to the receptionists who just wanted to book me for an intake appointment. I would only consider therapists who actually talked to me in person. Sometimes I had to leave a message on their office voicemail and wait for them to call me back. But I didn't care, I wanted to hear their real live voice and ask them some questions before I went into their office and paid $30 to see them.

 

~ I asked them how much experience they have and what their qualifications are.

 

~ I asked them what method they use and who their typical patients are.

 

~ I told them my story straight up. I said, "Look, I had an affair with a married man. I was engaged when it started and then I broke up with my ex-fiance. I need help figuring out why I did this and how I can become a better person. How do you plan to help me?"

 

~ I paid attention to how "into" helping me they were. My new psychologist (I call him Dr. Monk is really attentive. The good couple's counselor I saw before gave us homework and questionarres that she spent a lot of time reviewing. She had a good memory and she would remember certain things about me -- like where I was from and how many siblings I have, etc. Dr. Monk is very perceptive and he just KNOWS things about me without me telling him, for instance he knew I have a creative side that feels stifled unless I indulge it. He said one reason I went with xMM was because I wasn't getting my creative needs fulfilled by law school and my new job as an attorney and my comparatively long-term, stable relationship, but xMM was only a short-term solution to that. He said I would have to nurture my creative side *on my own* instead of looking to other people to do that, or I won't ever be happy in a long-term relationship because it will feel too "stifling". I was like, "yes, thank you... how do you know me so well in our first session?!?!"

 

So anyway sorry for my super long post but I am really passionate about the subject of therapy. I think you should figure out what exactly you want out of counseling (sounds like you're well on your way to doing that) and demand it from your counselor. If you don't like one, switch, until you find the perfect match. Good luck!! It's an exciting journey in my opinion.

[Owl]

I think Nadja gave some great advice...get a counselor that works for you, and don't be afraid on insisting on getting what you need.

 

Now, one word of caution. Don't bail out of counseling because they don't tell you what you want to hear. If they're saying things that make you 'feel bad' or 'uncomfortable'...that doesn't mean that they aren't helping you. That "tough love" that was mentioned earlier.

 

A LOT of people go to a counselor and then bail when they don't hear what they WANT to hear from the counselor. They're not going for counseling, they're going for affirmation.

 

Make sure that you're willing to stop and LISTEN to what the counselor says...ask clarifying questions, ask to understand why they said or asked something...make sure that you're leaving because that counselor isn't suited to dealing with you/your issue, and not just because you don't like what they've got to say.

 

Make sense?