LOVE DAISIES Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I was not going to post here again for a while...but I have a friend in a somwhat similar predicament and told her about this site. She wants to know whether giving the MM an ultimatum would be a good thing? She WANTS a relationship with him. (That much I do know)..but she doesn't want to ruin her chances by trying to make him choose. She also wants to know if issuing this ultimatum has actually worked for anyone? By ultimatum she means...telling him unless he is divorced or physically separated, not to contact her. Thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 From what I've seen on this site and others, giving an ultimatum can result in either possible ending...or in no change in status at all. It really depends on how serious she is about delivering the ultimatum, and how serious MM is about her. If he's dead serious about being with her, then yes, it can result in him choosing her over his wife. If he's NOT serious about her, but 'using' her...he'll end the relationship rather than risk anything getting back to his wife. If he's cake-eating, he'll placate her and do everything he can to prolong actually meeting whatever boundaries she set in her ultimatum. And if he senses that she's in any way not likely to stick to her "threat"...he'll con her into anything he can into prolonging the affair without leaving his wife. It MIGHT have the results she wants...or it might not. Its always risky one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 How long has your friend been in the affair? And how long has her MM been married? Does MM have kids? She has to be ready to move on and do the NC for herself too, not just for him to decide who it is he wants. Anyway, if he really loves her enough and is willing to give up his wife, family, house, lifestyle etc, he'll do just that. He won't string her along for another few years, going back and forth if he is sure. Tell your friend to post here and read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks Owl. I appreciate your candid responses. As far as I know she wants either one or the other. he has already "placated" her. So I think she is more serious this time....and after being in her shoes I can't say I blame her either. Just curious if an ultimatum has ever been truly beneficial.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks WWIU.I sent her the link.Hopefully she will be signing up soon.... She can answer all those Q's as well... Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I must agree with Owl - above. If she gives an ultimatum NOW she MIGHT have the strength to back it up. He might do either of the two things and she should be ready for either one. If she allows herself remains in a "cake-eater" affair, she's in for a life of sharing him with his wife. From MY experience, get out now while it's realitively less addictive. It will get MORE addictive each month. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I think your friend should go NC to protect herself and her heart. Orbiting around a MM and living one's life strategizing how to get him to leave his wife is tantamount to killing oneself slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Jess...I tried to tell her that as well..being a OW myself.But of course ..we all need to learn our OWN lessons.I also don't want to be one of those "I TOLD YOU SO" friends. I know she is in a lot of pain..and this is hurtful to her. I love her and what what is best for HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A GOOD friend will offer her advice intended to help her AVOID the same mistakes that the friend made in her own life. Its not being an "I told you so" friend...its being a friend who cares enough to help her in avoiding going through pain that is avoidable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LOVE DAISIES Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks AGAIN Owl.I needed to hear that. I try to talk to my friend as honestly as possible...and try to lead her in the right direction. All I can do..as a friend, is let her make her OWN decisions AND mistakes.....but be here for her if and when they don't work out. I do try to do that....It's a fine line... Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Jess...I tried to tell her that as well..being a OW myself.But of course ..we all need to learn our OWN lessons.I also don't want to be one of those "I TOLD YOU SO" friends. I know she is in a lot of pain..and this is hurtful to her. I love her and what what is best for HER. Of course we need to learn our own lessons. I don't get the feeling you would be one of those I told you so friends. And Owl is totally right! What I said before was more of an observation rather than an actual suggestion of what to say to her. But getting back to that, NC would be what is best for her... and even if she can only see it now as a strategy, hopefully some time away from the drama will help open her eyes to focusing more on herself (not to mention to seeing what this particular MM is about). Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 See, now that's the thing... You give her the best advice that you can give her. And recognize that the choice to follow it or not is entirely hers. AND you can still be her friend and help her through whatever happens regardless of her choice to follow your advice or not. THAT is a friend! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 If she does not go to NC, she will continue to be the OW. Why? Because for MM that works best. He gets to keep his marriage and he gets to keep his OW. If she gives an ultimatum, he will be forced to make a choice. I would give this bit of advice though: an ultimatum is only as strong as your willingness to walk away and never look back. If she does not have that resolve, and cannot handle the very real chance that knocking him off the fence will land him firmly on the W's side - then she needs to decide if she can be happy with just being the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 The nerves of OW to give ultimatums. I am sorry, but you OW know exactly what happens when you get involved with a MM!!! No wonder the divorce rate is 50%! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I gotta say it... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The nerves of OW to give ultimatums. I am sorry, but you OW know exactly what happens when you get involved with a MM!!! No wonder the divorce rate is 50%! OK...I don't get it...what does one have to do with the other? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 OK...I don't get it...what does one have to do with the other? Maybe she means the ultimatums do sometimes work to the OW's benefit? (Assuming that to mean the MM leaves the W for the OW, that being what the OW wants, and that that's in her best interests - none of which are necessarily the case.) Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 OK...I don't get it...what does one have to do with the other? A lot... What could have been a "just for kicks" A, now turns into a "decision making" drama that eventually gets out of hand and the big bang happens. OW gets all emotional, W finds out, H starts $hitting bricks, all htis the fan... Depending on the tolerance of the W- it all ends at the lawyers office and NO MORE CAKE EATING- PARTY OVA! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I'm not sure I appreciate the difference in damage to the marriage between a "just for kicks A" and the "decision making drama". In EITHER case, the BS is devestated when they find out the truth...which the do more often than they don't. I doubt that most of these cases where the OW gives an ultimatum IS the "just for kicks" variant. Even if it IS...the ultimatum is usually leave her or end it with me. Which means if it is the "just for kicks" version...the MM walks away from the OW, since there was no 'relationship' there for him anyway. So I still don't track the connection to the divorce rate. I think that AFFAIRS impact the divorce rate...I don't know that the ultimatum does. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Just read stampdaddy's threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 I have. And I still don't agree that it was the "ultimatum" that caused the issues...it was the AFFAIR. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Oh I agree it was the affair too, no doubt about that...It's just the way everything unfolded in the past few months, D-Day after D-Day...Finally SD took the bull by the horns and did something. My comment about read SD's thread wasn't really directed at you, it was more for anyone new who hasn't so they could see what a bloody mess everyones lives are because of the affair. I would like to know though about MW's kids and are they aware of what's going on around them.. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Of course is the affair.... but when pressed with decision making, ultimatums, "either this or that", it is no longer the sultry "just for kicks" fling that at the beginning was intented to be. Affairs dont begin with any of the parties involved foreseeing the "Brick Wall". Nobody wants to hear it and everyone lives the moment. Lust. Then reality bites... and the dramz begins. There is the problem with society nowadays. We want to quick-fix everything, yet dont invest in not having to fix anything at all. "why fix something that is already broken?- If you didn't break it to begin with maybe you wouldn't have to fix it". Morality is out the door. Values are outdated and Families are just good for Tax- purposes. Plain and simple. IF MM/MW are not happy with their mates then be an adult about it and part ways in a good manner. Why bring OW/OM into a picture that has no frame? I just think its ridiculous for anyone to claim rights that just exist in their head... Society, Law, Religion dont and will never recognize OM/OW for more than what they are, and these individuals that end in these kind of situations go through hell to redeem themselves as worthy human beings. Typically OM/OW get their shine behind doors but most say they dont care about what anyone has to say as long as they have the "prize". But this is just my humble opinion... Try finding a single man, to which the ultimatum will be "Where's my Ring?". Better than having to settle for someone that already has experienced all that "bliss" with someone else (cause trust me, once upon a time it was bliss). Being a soon to be divorcee... life is too short. Drop the drama! Link to post Share on other sites
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