NC initiated by MM ~Scared

[findmyway]

Hi all...

I have read several posts on here, but never posted yet myself. I am in a similiar situation as many of you, been involved with a MM for almost 4 years. We have been found out several times and the most recent was the one that sent him packing. He is now separated from his wife and kids. He is devastated over what his son and daughter think of him as his W told them exactly why she kicked him out. He has promised the children that before the marriage is completely canned he will cutoff contact with me and see if there is still a chance for the marriage.

 

As I understand it, he has not been communicating with his wife either except for emails on household or children issues. He says he needs time to figure himself out and what it is he wants and can deal with for the rest of his life. His wife will also be doing the same. He thinks I should as well. He says NC is not saying we will never speak or have a relationship again, but it is the one thing we can do now if there is any chance of a real relationship later. I do get this- he would never be 100% satisfied in our relationship if he left his family if he had not come to the clearcut conclusion on his own first that this was what he wanted. I really don't know what will end up happening. She could file for divorce, he could file or they could try reconciling. It will likely take many months before any decisions are made as they have the children and many, many assets and businesses between them.

 

I am scared he may not divorce simply do to the financial strain it could put on his businesses. :/ He says he will ultimately make the decision that he feels is best regardless of monetary consequences, but we will see. I have no doubt that he loves me deeply. If ultimately he goes back to his wife I will take that for what it is worth and never speak to him again. Right now though, i do still think there is hope for us. I am scared though that the NC may banish any hope that is there because in time maybe it will become easier and easier for him to not talk to me. People always say things heal with time and I am scared he will be able to supress his feelings for me. He says if he loves me as much as I know he does supressing feelings is impossible. He says if they do not reconcile (and makes it clear he has in no way decided at all that he even wants to try reconciliation yet) we can then begin working on our relationship.

 

He does say he knows he may end up losing me because I may move on (doubtful) but that he must do what is right and end his marriage first if our relationship can continue. He does not want to lie anymore. It all sounds very good of him and makes a ton of sense, but again I am just scared of the NC thing and that if I stick to it and let alot of time pass I may lose him.... This man is the absolute love of my life, i dont ever want to have to wonder what if???... advice????

Edited March 4, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LucreziaBorgia]

Advice? He asked for no contact, so you must honor that. To be perfectly honest, you will want to take the focus off of working toward a future for the both of you and work on a future for yourself. Why? He has made it clear that even though there is a chance he could lose you it is a chance he is willing to take in order to work on his marriage. I don't know about you, but if a man told me that he was willing to throw me away in order to fight to be with someone else I don't think I'd be fretting over losing a future with him.

[findmyway]

That is a very good point. Although I do have to say it is the right thing to do (letting me move on if i want) and i truly believe that is why he is doing it.. He said it kills him that he may lose me but that if he asked me to wait when he can't tell me 100% the outcome yet that it would be him being very selfish. He says as hard as it is for him to let me go for now that the guilt of the mess he has already made in my life is too much for him to ask me to wait. Even if they decided on divorce today it could be a year or more before it is final due to his complicated finances... If we remained in contact and she asks for his phone records if she saw one phone call or txt she could tell the children we were still in communication (which i wouldnt put past her) and that could ruin the children's trust in him for good. He did not promise them he would never talk to me again, but he did promise them he would not talk to me until final decisions have been about about his and their mom's marriage. Him and his W both told them that they would give it at least a couple months so no rash decisions are made in heated moments.

 

Also... i think he knows deep down I would be here if he chose us.. i have told him many times before and we have talked about a possible future so much. i think he really does trust that even if I am able I wouldnt be able to move right into another relationship anytime soon.

Edited March 4, 2008 by findmyway

[nadiaj2727]

Hi findmyway, I agree that at least one unselfish thing he is doing is going NC with you. He is not trying to hold on to you or string you along while he works on his marriage. That is honorable, although it does suck that you are the one he choses to shut out while he works on things with his wife. Right now, working on his marriage is his decision and his priority. I think you are doing the right thing by not letting yourself try to be his option. Only accept first place in his life. Until then (and even after then), make yourself your number one priority in your own life. Best wishes.

[findmyway]

I probably should be clear on one thing... he hasnt actually decided to "work" on his marriage yet. Right now they are working on themselves to be sure what each wants before papers are filed. At this point, neither of them have made the step toward reconciliation. He just says he needs to fix himself before he can be with anyone... her or I.

[whichwayisup]

Are you sure about that? I don't mean to plant seeds of doubt in your head...But, you have to know that if they aren't divorcing, and are both working on themselves, that has to mean at some point the chances of them working on the marriage again is likely. I just hope he isn't telling you one thing and doing another.

[findmyway]

he is being honest in saying that he cannot tell me one way or another what will happen at this point. He says even if she asks to move towards reconciliation he doesnt know if that is something he would even want to do... he just doesnt know... he needs the time alone.. thus the NC to really consider everything. I did ask him to please not let me think there is hope if truly he feels are relationship is most likely over and saying we could possibly talk again is an easy way of letting me go. He promises this is not the case at all... anything is still possible and he certainly thinks about what our life could be like together every day. I truly think he just doesnt know, he's very confused. He has a ton of guilt that I think is weighing on him right now. It will be whether that guilt ultimately pulls him back home or if he can work thru it i guess.

[whichwayisup]

You need to take control here and not let him call the shots in a sense of hope or no hope for the two of you. Look at the facts - He is not committing one way or another, and he is in counselling to help him sort out his issues. Make the choice now for yourself and tell him you will give him (let's say 6 months or so) some time and after 6 months if he is still not able to tell you one way or another what he wants, you end it completely. In the meantime, try to detach and not be in his life, his daily life. Not saying go no contact completely, but it would be better for you if you did do NC with him.

 

Do they have children together?

[carhill]

Do they have children together?

 

He is now separated from his wife and kids. He is devastasted over what his son and daughter think of him as his W told them exactly why she kicked him out. He has promised the children that before the marriage is completely canned he will cutoff contact with me and see if there is still a chance for the marriage.

 

I'd go NC for one year and work on myself and leave myself emotionally open for other relationships. If the MM contacts and indicates he's divorced/separated, then consider dating/rebuilding the former relationship if not otherwise involved.

 

Good luck!

[findmyway]

They do have children a Sr and Jr in HS... the sr will be moving out in June and the JR only has one more year so they are older and he does need to consider that his future life will be without the children at home and if he can handle that. I wish I had the choice of minimal contact but he is saying NC. i do have to say its been a few weeks since he first said it, and we would go a few days then have a discussion about something "necessary" then go another few days. Last week though he made it clear that he has not been able to get his head clear still having these conversations with me and that the best thing right now really is NC. I understand, but it is so hard. I am just so scared because it seems wherever I read about putting in place NC it is about completely ending a relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Oops, sorry about that..I must have misread.

 

Okay, well he is requesting NC completely, you have to respect that, even if it kills you. And, sadly you may have to deal with that fear, that NC leads to ending a relationship. Fact that he has kids to consider, family, their history, their life together - Time will tell and counselling.

 

Try to keep busy, be with your friends and family.

[carhill]

NC is for clarifying one's relationship with themselves, so they can then decide to/not to work on interpersonal relationships, specifically their primary one.

 

I actually think your MM is someone who will work through this properly. You might be surprised if you believe in NC and do your part. NC is really for you, to get perspective.

 

You can't "lose" him. You and he will make choices. One choice might bring you back together. Time will tell

[findmyway]

laptop- I understand your thoughts. I would have never dreamed myself in this situation... but what happened happened and we fell in love... once in love cutting ties is extremely difficult. He contemplated divorce long ago before I was in the picture and was even talking to an attorney pretty seriously right before our first DDay. Of course, in his mind he would get divorced and no one would know of us until his marriage had ended. When the tables turned and she found out guilt poured down on him and he was unable to go thru with it. He is a very good man despite all this and honor, reputation etc is important to him. As several of us know though sometimes love can break down the best of us. There is A TON more to it. But please, I would appreciate if no one here accused me personally of one handedly wrecking a family. Yes, for sure being involved with MM was wrong... however their marriage had major issues long before I ever came along so I cannot say it was all my fault. Also, maybe the family is breaking up... but an unhappy family is not the best either. I want his children to be happy... I pray for their healing everyday. I do believe children can heal even thru divorce though. I am not saying divorce is the answer here, but there is alot of history of troubles in their R and it certainly should be considered. If it does happen, I still want my chance with the man I love, if that makes me a bad person then I guess so be it.

[LILA BELL]

I think your MM is lying to you.

 

I think he wants NC at the moment because he has most likely told his W and children he will stop seeing you.

 

I think at the moment he is trying to work on his M.

 

I think he is keeping you on the back burner just in case things do not work out in his M.

 

Or when this whole thing blows down and when W gets off his ass,well he can go sneak away with you yet again.

 

He know's you'll wait he know's what he can get away with,i mean you have been sharing him for what was it 4 yrs,he knows you will put up with alot.

 

He know's what to tell you,he know's you'll believe him.

 

Trust me i was the ow for many MM men,i am also M so i have told alot of men these same lies that they are telling you.

Edited March 4, 2008 by LILA BELL
made mistake

[carhill]

None of those eventualities is possible if she goes full NC, including no response to contact from MM.

 

Think of NC as an expressway with a center divider and no turn lanes....

[findmyway]

well, my time on this board has begun and ended today. i came here and was hopeful that I had found a place for support from people who understood what I was going thru. I did not expect anyone to say I was right or for everyone to agree or understand my thoughts or actions. Believe me, I have gone through alot of guilt and many emotions throughout this process. However, I cannot be part of a board were members degrade others knowing very very little information. sure, I made a huge mistake in my life.. but I believe everything else about the way I have lived my life to be good. I do not deserve to be degraded by strangers. I will ask that this thread be deleted, as i no longer wish to have my mark anywhere on this board. Too the many of you who did offer support and constructive thoughts, thank you. I do know there are many of you out there. I however think this board is ultimately more destructive to my healing. I wish those of you out there who are here for the right reasons the best of luck in your situations.

[Tony]

This thread was hijacked early on by someone seeking only to lecture and demean the original poster. That has to stop. We aren't here to judge, only to give advice and support. If you can't do that, don't post. There are some people who may, from time to time, need lectures of some sort but generally people involved in affairs know the entire drill BEFORE they come here to post.

 

If you're going to post on this thread, keep you comments limited to advice, not on lectures about behavior. Many thanks!

[NoIDidn't]

This thread was hijacked early on by someone seeking only to lecture and demean the original poster. That has to stop. We aren't here to judge, only to give advice and support. If you can't do that, don't post. There are some people who may, from time to time, need lectures of some sort but generally people involved in affairs know the entire drill BEFORE they come here to post.

 

If you're going to post on this thread, keep you comments limited to advice, not on lectures about behavior. Many thanks!

 

So I take it the offending posts were deleted? I hadn't really read this thread, I don't think. But deleting the posts just makes reading it and following it a little difficult.

 

Hey, sometimes a lecture on behavior IS advice....LOL. I always miss the interesting stuff.

[White Flower]

I always miss the interesting stuff, too.

 

Findmyway, sift through the ugly stuff and take only what you need. I learned that early on:) Hang in there and keep getting support. You really need it right now.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Findingmyway, take the things that are useful to you and ignore the rest. There are some on the board acting out their own frustrations and anger on unsuspecting posters.

 

As for your MM, he has asked for NC and I think its respectful to do that. Its so difficult when children are involved and it does come down to a "OW v Children" situation in some respects, especially when the W decides to communicate her relationship with the children in such a way.

 

You do need a timeline for you. In six months, a years time, you dont want to look back and think that you have waited for MM, wondering whether he is going to reconcile, wondering whether he is coming to you. You need to take action for yourself.

 

Move on, get active, start thinking about the possibility of your life without him. If he does come back, all well and good. But if he doesn't, at least you wont resent him and yourself for the time you have wasted.

 

Good luck and I do hope you come back...we're not all ready to flame!

[Lookingforward]

I think a lot of posts that were deleted that were actually insightful and helpful and this thread was of interest to me, ignoring the aforesaid hijacker.

[findmyway]

I am still lurking.... I am just alittle more apprehensive at posting. I guess I am still too fragile. Yes, I agree this thread is good, it was just posts by one poster that upset me and they are gone. If any other posts were deleted by some of you with good intentions, i apologize but know that I hold nothing against you and respect your words. I believe myself to be a very kind person, I try to do much good in my life, I try to be understanding to all situations... I have always been looked at as a helpful, considerate, nonargumentative person to those around me. That alone makes the guilt of the horrible situation I did end up in so difficult for me to handle. But still despite all the guilt and the moral conflicts within in me... the love I felt for this man was 100% real and has broken me to pieces and although it was wrong to be with him, I was and I now have to learn how to put myself back together. I will never date a married man again. Yes, I still hope for a chance with him... but any future relationship we have will be if he is no longer married or at least divorce is definitely in the works. That's what is so hard right now. Even if he does go the divorce direction it could be ages before anything is decided and the time of not knowing, wondering, mourning and trying to live my own life will be extremely, extremely difficult.

[OpenBook]

I am still lurking.... I am just alittle more apprehensive at posting. I guess I am still too fragile. Yes, I agree this thread is good, it was just posts by one poster that upset me and they are gone. If any other posts were deleted by some of you with good intentions, i apologize but know that I hold nothing against you and respect your words.

 

Findmyway, we can't delete our own posts here. Only the site's Moderators can delete posts or threads. And everyone is free to post anywhere they want on this site (unless they've been banned, of course! again by the Mods). So you're going to get it from all sides -- it takes all kinds!

 

I hope that won't stop you from continuing to post. Many of us have been in your shoes, and we know what you're going through. I think it's helpful to separate the wheat from the chaff when seeking advice here. The "wheat" has been a tremendous help to a lot of us who participate in this forum.

 

I hope you find the answers you're seeking. We're all looking for them too! Hang in there...

[White Flower]

I am still lurking.... I am just alittle more apprehensive at posting. I guess I am still too fragile. Yes, I agree this thread is good, it was just posts by one poster that upset me and they are gone. If any other posts were deleted by some of you with good intentions, i apologize but know that I hold nothing against you and respect your words. I believe myself to be a very kind person, I try to do much good in my life, I try to be understanding to all situations... I have always been looked at as a helpful, considerate, nonargumentative person to those around me. That alone makes the guilt of the horrible situation I did end up in so difficult for me to handle. But still despite all the guilt and the moral conflicts within in me... the love I felt for this man was 100% real and has broken me to pieces and although it was wrong to be with him, I was and I now have to learn how to put myself back together. I will never date a married man again. Yes, I still hope for a chance with him... but any future relationship we have will be if he is no longer married or at least divorce is definitely in the works. That's what is so hard right now. Even if he does go the divorce direction it could be ages before anything is decided and the time of not knowing, wondering, mourning and trying to live my own life will be extremely, extremely difficult.

FMW,

I just wanted to say that the summary of your personality reminds me so much of myself. I used to get really sensitive (and still can at times) with some of the flames, but I keep posting. Believe me, you will get stronger and you will have more clarity with each day. If it gets bad, take a few days off. Or just lurk. Or learn how to come back at them and feel like the queen of bangarangs, as Peter Pan would say. Sometimes the subtlest comeback has the strongest effect.

 

Cheers,

WF

[findmyway]

Thanks to those of you who have posted today for your support. Right now i just feel like an extremely lost soul and I cannot find my way at all!! I feel broken and alone.