Jump to content

Recommended Posts

So my A with a MM has been over for more than a year now. I havent even heard his voice in atleast a year. We've sent an occasional email...and there was one night of drunk texting (from him). He (unfortunately) was my first true love.

 

I can't stop thinking about him. My friends have been super supportive of me both during and since that time. But I am so totally at a loss right now.

 

I've moved into the hatred stage (about six months ago it started) and despite those feelings of realizing the harm that he caused me, I still love him.

 

I still compare EVERY guy I meet to him. And though I've found someone new(who I really really like, and who isn't married), he will never be the MM.

 

Am I just stressing because it was my first true love? Or is THIS the Karma that I deserve? How long does this stage last?

 

Any ideas?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not sure because 4 months past my final break-up with xMM, I still think of him in a love/ hate way, and at myself in the same way for ever allowing myself to be with him.

 

For one thing, I think that when you do find the right guy for you, you will stop comparing him to xMM. It is probably that xMM filled a place in your heart like no one else has managed to do, yet. But when someone does, you will see that an open and public and committed relationship is so much more fulfilling than the secret affair you used to have.

 

For another thing, I've found that it's quite impossible to compare the emotions/ rush/ adrenaline and passion of an illicit affair with a normal relationship. To me, being in the affair was like an addiction, and each contact with MM was like my hit. Now, I am faced to deal with daily life without my emotional "escape" of MM, and sometimes I feel strong and independent, and other times I feel kind of depressed, like life and relationships just aren't that exciting without xMM. I realize that nothing will *ever* be like that because that was forbidden and we wanted each other so bad in part because we couldn't have each other. But once I realized that a committed relationship is more fulfilling and content long-term, I saw that the affair-type relationship could never last past that stage. So, in a way this part is related to the first part.

 

I hope that soon you can reach the phase of acceptance. Because I've realized that having so much hate for xMM is just as bad as having so much love for him. Initially you NEED that stage to be angry and to make sure you don't contact him and start it all over again. But eventually it takes up all your time and energy, just the same as love. So I hope you can let go and just realize that you learned from your mistake and moved on to better things. Best wishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So my A with a MM has been over for more than a year now. I havent even heard his voice in atleast a year. We've sent an occasional email...and there was one night of drunk texting (from him). He (unfortunately) was my first true love.

 

I can't stop thinking about him. My friends have been super supportive of me both during and since that time. But I am so totally at a loss right now.

 

I've moved into the hatred stage (about six months ago it started) and despite those feelings of realizing the harm that he caused me, I still love him.

 

I still compare EVERY guy I meet to him. And though I've found someone new(who I really really like, and who isn't married), he will never be the MM.

 

Am I just stressing because it was my first true love? Or is THIS the Karma that I deserve? How long does this stage last?

 

Any ideas?

 

As for how long it take's in this stage? Well.. I think the answer is diff for everyone. I had a long ea with a mm.. and it took me a good solid 8 month's after the ea ended to move past all of the anger I had toward's him and for myself for that matter. Try not to put a time frame on it..Just take little step's each day at working toward making peace with the situation. That's great that you have someone new in your life focus on him.. and try real hard not to compare. Hang in there.

 

AP:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

nadia- thankyou sooooo very much for your response! I know that this pain that I am feeling, as well as the hatred that I can't let go of, is totally Karma. I want to let it go... I really do. But it is sooo freaking hard. He hurt me....and I LET him. I let him hurt me. And despite my broken painful childhood, filled with disappointments....this is the first person I have let my guard down with......

 

And he hurt me.....

 

WTF???????????????

 

That is why I have this hatred. And if I allow myself to ponder the depth of the situation....it isn't hatred at all. It's hurt. He hurt me....like I swore no one else would ever do.

 

I need therapy I'm sure. Anti depressants (which I'm a strong advocate of) don't even help this.

 

A wonderful guy who thinks the world of me, and would give the world for me, can't even heal this.

 

A word of warning for anyone thinking of a MM....DONT DO IT!

 

Even though you think you are in pain now, being alone.............the pain from an A hurts a bazillion times worse than "lonely" ever thought of.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
anotherother24

Boy, I feel like I could of written this exact post....((((hugs)))) It sucks. :( if you ever need to talk or anything...feel free to PM me because I'm going through the same feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I dont hate my exMM, but I have an enormous amount of disrespect for him, and never want to lay eyes on him again. :)

 

Am getting married to another man and we are moving back to our home country, so hopefully I will never have to see him again!

Link to post
Share on other sites
nadia- thankyou sooooo very much for your response! I know that this pain that I am feeling, as well as the hatred that I can't let go of, is totally Karma. I want to let it go... I really do. But it is sooo freaking hard. He hurt me....and I LET him. I let him hurt me. And despite my broken painful childhood, filled with disappointments....this is the first person I have let my guard down with......

 

And he hurt me.....

 

WTF???????????????

 

That is why I have this hatred. And if I allow myself to ponder the depth of the situation....it isn't hatred at all. It's hurt. He hurt me....like I swore no one else would ever do.

 

I need therapy I'm sure. Anti depressants (which I'm a strong advocate of) don't even help this.

 

A wonderful guy who thinks the world of me, and would give the world for me, can't even heal this.

 

A word of warning for anyone thinking of a MM....DONT DO IT!

 

Even though you think you are in pain now, being alone.............the pain from an A hurts a bazillion times worse than "lonely" ever thought of.

 

Sorry ahotemess, I just saw this post of yours. It is good that you recognize your hatred of xMM comes from your pain, and a disappointment in yourself for your past actions. I agree perhaps you should go to counseling and maybe take anti-depressents. Especially the counseling will help you deal with your emotions and talk things out with someone. I feel for you, as I relate to you a lot. I am still figuring out all my pain inside and why I chose to deal with it by getting involved with xMM... thus cause myself more pain. It's like I've been very self-destructive in the past and I want to heal and make sure I make better decisions from now on and get stronger with time. I wish the same for you. (hugs)

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's like I've been very self-destructive in the past and I want to heal and make sure I make better decisions from now on and get stronger with time. I wish the same for you. (hugs)

 

Snap!

 

Thats exactly how I felt- once the A with exMM was over, I felt like a much stronger woman, and I didn't ever look back.

 

I have made much better decisions regarding this since then.

 

Also- the exMM did me a favour- his list of faults helped me see how wonderful my fiance is, and how NORMAL our R is.... I think before the A I would have dismissed it as boring.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also- the exMM did me a favour- his list of faults helped me see how wonderful my fiance is, and how NORMAL our R is.... I think before the A I would have dismissed it as boring.

 

That's a good point. I do think that after an affair we are much more likely to appreciate a stable, content relationship. (Unless we are the type that continually seeks out drama... like serial OWs or OWs who stay OWs for a really long time.) To me, being an OW equaled inflicting hurt upon myself. I could no longer do it and, like you, I now value real relationships for what they are -- calm, peaceful and secure. Sure, they may not always have the excitement of an "up" part of an affair but they also don't have those really really low times when I felt like crap. And there are definitely ways to infuse a real relationship with excitement and if both people focus on keeping it fun, it doesn't get stale and boring.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Never_Again

Oh my goodness, I could have written this myself! It will be a year this summer and I feel the EXACT SAME WAY as you. I wouldn't exactly call it "hatred," but sometimes it's definitely close.

 

I feel angry, hurt, sad, blah blah blah blah. I have no idea when I will get over him. I don't have anyone else, though, and don't feel like I will ever have anyone else..... :( :( :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am done with Drama. I love the R I am in now. Thanks exMM and two fingers up to you who said I was incapable of a normal relationship amongst the myriad of other insults you hurled my way. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is just a theory that I learned from others.

 

When you're in an affair like that, you're both always on your "A" game.

The sex is alwsys good and the romance is kept hot.

 

I think that's what it was for me (and I'll bet others will agree).

I loved cooking for my MW. I'm good at it and she'd get weak knees, sitting at my bar, in the candle light, with the music, watching me. I could have just scrambled some eggs (If I wanted to). I'd toss a dish towel over my shoulder, and she thought that was romantic. We'd dance and talk and cuddle in front of the fire, make love and go back to the fire for more talk and wine. She would do all sorts of things for me. She could read me easily, and figured out exactly what would turn me on and do just that. She seemed thrilled that whatever she did would never go un-noticed or appreciated.

 

If I didn't cook then we'd go to a favorite hide-away where the waiters new and like us both and they would pour on the charm and atmosphere for us. It was GREAT!

 

But one day I thought, "Cheeese! If I marry this girl, am I gonna have to do all the freakin' cookin' ... forever? :) I don't think I could HANDLE a constant "A" game! ... maybe not forever.

 

Seriously, I DO understand the hatred part too, but you seem to be resisting it too. I don't think you want that to become part of who you are. I think you'll be better than that.

 

There just has to be some guy out there who will give back to you and love you back. You've goot believe he's out there.

Edited by Cagney
Link to post
Share on other sites
lovernotafighter

I went through a hatred stage too. then I realized I am the one who excepted the situation, I am the one who hurt me most. it wasn't till then that I learned to except him as he is did things change for both of us.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've moved into the hatred stage (about six months ago it started) and despite those feelings of realizing the harm that he caused me, I still love him.

 

Maybe the hatred stage is where you need to be to get over him. He is a cheater. You don't need that. But you should have realized that already.

 

And if it was true love, he'd divorce his W to be with you.

 

 

I still compare EVERY guy I meet to him. And though I've found someone new(who I really really like, and who isn't married), he will never be the MM.

 

You want to know why you probably think the MM is all that and a bag of chips. because he is married. A man who has been with the same woman for years that is a cheater finds excitement in being with someone other than his wife(same goes for the cheating wives).

 

Of course he treats you well and makes you feel special because, for the time being, it is the first new relationship for him in years. Trust me, the cake eater would be in the same position with you after being with you for a few years too.

 

As opposed to a single guy who is weighing his options, trying to find out if you are the one for them. They may not go overboard with things like the MM does because the MM is like a starved dog.

 

Am I just stressing because it was my first true love? Or is THIS the Karma that I deserve? How long does this stage last?

 

Any ideas?

 

Even though I have absolutely no love for people that bed down other people's spouses, i won't say that you deserve this, but karma? Who knows.

 

All I know is, he is a cheater, you know this, so why do you want a cheater? Is the saying true? The jerks get the women? Because if he is cheating on his wife, thats exactly what he is.

 

But like I said, maybe the anger stage is healthy for you to help you realize what a jerk he is and find someone decent.

 

and please don't compare other guys to this jerk, it isn't fair to them and it is not an apples to apples comparison.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe the hatred stage is where you need to be to get over him. He is a cheater. You don't need that. But you should have realized that already.

 

And if it was true love, he'd divorce his W to be with you.

 

 

 

 

You want to know why you probably think the MM is all that and a bag of chips. because he is married. A man who has been with the same woman for years that is a cheater finds excitement in being with someone other than his wife(same goes for the cheating wives).

 

Of course he treats you well and makes you feel special because, for the time being, it is the first new relationship for him in years. Trust me, the cake eater would be in the same position with you after being with you for a few years too.

 

As opposed to a single guy who is weighing his options, trying to find out if you are the one for them. They may not go overboard with things like the MM does because the MM is like a starved dog.

 

 

 

Even though I have absolutely no love for people that bed down other people's spouses, i won't say that you deserve this, but karma? Who knows.

 

All I know is, he is a cheater, you know this, so why do you want a cheater? Is the saying true? The jerks get the women? Because if he is cheating on his wife, thats exactly what he is.

 

But like I said, maybe the anger stage is healthy for you to help you realize what a jerk he is and find someone decent.

 

and please don't compare other guys to this jerk, it isn't fair to them and it is not an apples to apples comparison.

 

Wow twice-shy that is a really thought-provoking and helpful post. I am really glad you expressed your opinions in this way because they are helpful instead of just biting. I know we disagree on style LOL and I've slammed you in the past for your posts so, although you probably don't care either way ;), I just wanted to say wow this post of yours is excellent. I hope it helps the OP.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I dont hate my exMM, but I have an enormous amount of disrespect for him, and never want to lay eyes on him again. :)

 

Am getting married to another man and we are moving back to our home country, so hopefully I will never have to see him again!

 

How spooky is this... the DAY after I made the above post, I got an email from exMM out of the blue! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147420/

 

How creepy. Although strangely satisfying that I actually got the opportunity to tell him that I never want to lay eyes on him again. (in a manner of speaking)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...