contemplating an affair with a mm/mw?

[hopeful08]

Even tho I find myself in the situation myself, this is for all of those that are on the verge of it. DON'T, You will spare your selves years of emotional pain. Walk away, and if you can't do that, remain semi detached friends until you find out his/her real circumstances. I am hopeful that my situation will work out, but if it doesn't it is going to take me year's to get over this. Not to mention having to cut someone from my life that I love.

 

I can tell you one thing , If I had detached myself emotionally in the beginning (monthly contact, no sex, phone calls... and had not allowed it to "take over" my life has it does now, 3, 4 times a week contact, ect...) It would be alot easier for me to walk away.

 

That is my thought's for what their worth.

[mclovin]

I have to side with Hopeful.

 

There are other issues that can go along with having an affair with a MW/MM, especially if you're both M. Even worse, suppose you feel no emotions of love or caring and the other party attempts to put you in a trap to be condemed to them in some way forever. That's the stuff you gotta watch out for the most. At least with emotions, time heals wounds and eventually a nice person that is of worth comes along.

[Lizzie60]

Even tho I find myself in the situation myself, this is for all of those that are on the verge of it. DON'T, You will spare your selves years of emotional pain. Walk away, and if you can't do that, remain semi detached friends until you find out his/her real circumstances. I am hopeful that my situation will work out, but if it doesn't it is going to take me year's to get over this. Not to mention having to cut someone from my life that I love.

 

I can tell you one thing , If I had detached myself emotionally in the beginning (monthly contact, no sex, phone calls... and had not allowed it to "take over" my life has it does now, 3, 4 times a week contact, ect...) It would be alot easier for me to walk away.

 

That is my thought's for what their worth.

 

To be honest I think you're wasting your time... People that want an affair will have one.. no matter how much you discourage them...

 

That's life.. we have to live our own experience...

 

I told my son not to smoke.. blablabla... guess what?

 

Oh I should add.. you can never be sure of ANY relationship... MM or SG..

[hopeful08]

I know they will do what they want anyway, I was warned by my Mum, friends husband, and another friend, that I was letting our common background's cloud my judgment. I am from British parent's but born in the states, he is British but lives in the states (wife American) But when you think you have found a " needle in a haystack" all logic is over, even tho I love this man and still have hope at this point... I guess my point is, my life would have been one hell of a lot easier had I kept my distance.

[Lizzie60]

I know they will do what they want anyway, I was warned by my Mum, friends husband, and another friend, that I was letting our common background's cloud my judgment. I am from British parent's but born in the states, he is British but lives in the states (wife American) But when you think you have found a " needle in a haystack" all logic is over, even tho I love this man and still have hope at this point... I guess my point is, my life would have been one hell of a lot easier had I kept my distance.

 

See all those good people warned you and you did it anyway.. so do you honestly think that an anonymous poster will have more 'weight'..

 

Sorry but your intentions are good.. but unfortunately we all have to live our own experiences..

[Event Horizon]

I'm one of the people that were told not to do it but I did it anyway.

 

Yes, I regret it.

 

If someone told me they were thinking of becoming involved with a married person, I'd say "if the thought of someone you care deeply about having sex with someone else doesn't bother you, then sure, go ahead."

 

It bothered me though, and hurt more than I could have imagined it would. There are some types of pain that cannot be realized unless you experience it for yourself.

 

On the bright side...life does go on and nothing is forever. Not even pain.

 

E..H

[OpenBook]

I know they will do what they want anyway, I was warned by my Mum, friends husband, and another friend, that I was letting our common background's cloud my judgment. I am from British parent's but born in the states, he is British but lives in the states (wife American) But when you think you have found a " needle in a haystack" all logic is over, even tho I love this man and still have hope at this point... I guess my point is, my life would have been one hell of a lot easier had I kept my distance.

 

Well, I'm one of those who HAS kept my distance. And I cannot tell you that it is the best decision, because I just plain don't know. I may be missing out on the greatest love I've ever known. In avoiding the pain and heartache, I am also denying myself the high's - the extraordinary joy, the pure bliss, those things that give life meaning and significance, the memories of which keep you going during the dark stretches in your life. I have no memories to sustain me, because none have been made.

 

But it doesn't matter. Everything goes technicolor whenever he is in my presence, and it fades into shades of blue and gray when he walks away.

 

He's not mine, I can't have him. There is no hope for an "us." But it makes no difference. I cannot help this. The only thing I can control is my own behavior.

 

Is this any way to live? Your guess is as good as mine.

[Gwyneth]

Oh I should add.. you can never be sure of ANY relationship... MM or SG..

 

Agree! All women and even men should go into a R slowly and not become attached until they Really know that person.

 

I tried this with my affair and although it did work, other things are now keeping me attached to this guy for the rest of my life (slightly ). But I definitely agree with your words of wisdom, hopeful08.

[hopeful08]

The rest of your life is a long time..... I keep hoping that if thing's do not work out, that this, and a bad eighteen year marriage to an alcoholic , doesn't damage me to the point that I become emotionally unavailable and can't trust again...

[malaclypse]

but unfortunately we all have to live our own experiences..

 

Unfortunately? No.

 

Fortunately we all have to live our own experiences.

 

[Lizzie60]

Unfortunately? No.

 

Fortunately we all have to live our own experiences.

 

 

By unfortunately, I meant that sometimes the experiences are painful.. and sometimes dramatic.. but we still choose them... without knowing what's next..

[malaclypse]

By unfortunately, I meant that sometimes the experiences are painful.. and sometimes dramatic.. but we still choose them... without knowing what's next..

 

And I wouldn't want it any other way.

[OWoman]

I've had several As with MMs and I can't honestly say I regret any of them.

 

Would I advise anyone else to do the same? It would depend on what they wanted.

 

If they wanted a part-time, short-term, no strings attached source of sex and pleasure, but without the ties and binds of a full-time joined-at-the-hip R, I'd recommend an A with a MM. All that emotional nursemaiding they can get at home, as well as their socks washed and their shirts ironed and their steak grilled. They're not going to place unreasonable demands on your time, attention or devotion, and you'll have your own space uncrowded by someone else's ego and validation needs.

 

If they wanted a soulmate with whom to watch the full moon tickle the treetops framed with the night owl's lullaby and share secrets, dreams and body fluids, a MM is risky business. Go down this route only if there's a realistically good chance of his leaving to sail off with you in your acorncup, or if you're looking for emotional pain from which to produce great works of art or literature. Falling in love with a MM is a potentially damaging business, even if you "win".

 

I would also recommend some thorough research before going ahead. How many GFs has he had since becoming M? Has his W found out about any and what was her response? How old are the children? What are the worst possible consequences of the A should it be discovered, for you, for him? Are you prepared to take those chances? Is he? What are the worst possible consequences of the A should it not be discovered? Are those changes you and he are prepared to take? What does he REALLY want from the A? Is he looking for a soulmate or a shag, an intellectual equal or an incubator for his spawn? Can you trust him?

 

But ultimately I'd recommend some hard reflection on what they really wanted. And whether one day, when their kids are visiting them in the old age home, they wanted to reflect back on their lives, and rather express regret over the things they DID or the things they DIDN'T do.

[mental_traveller]

Agree! All women and even men should go into a R slowly and not become attached until they Really know that person.

 

I tried this with my affair and although it did work, other things are now keeping me attached to this guy for the rest of my life .

 

I don't get it - you didn't get attached at first, and then as you got to know him well, you found out he was married, and...you then got attached? This doesn't seem to make sense - surely the point of your policy is that you get to know them, then once you find out something undesireable (such as them being married with kids), you end things before getting attached? Am I missing something here.

[Lookingforward]

because she's pregnant

[OpenBook]

I've had several As with MMs and I can't honestly say I regret any of them...

 

OWoman, I thoroughly enjoyed your post!! The acorncup, the incubator for his spawn, the emotional pain from which to produce great works of art or literature, the secrets, dreams and bodily fluids.:D:D But I'm curious about this part --

 

All that emotional nursemaiding they can get at home, as well as their socks washed and their shirts ironed and their steak grilled. They're not going to place unreasonable demands on your time, attention or devotion, and you'll have your own space uncrowded by someone else's ego and validation needs.

 

Now that you and your MM are together, are you going to be his "emotional nursemaid" now? Is he expecting that from you, along with the socks/shirts/steak all taken care of?

 

(You knew somebody was going to question you about that, right?)

[OWoman]

Now that you and your MM are together, are you going to be his "emotional nursemaid" now? Is he expecting that from you, along with the socks/shirts/steak all taken care of?

 

(You knew somebody was going to question you about that, right?)

 

Yep, I did see that coming...

 

There are two sides to that. Me: various things in my life have changed and I think that's what has allowed me to move into a space where that kind of full-time R became a possibility for me. A short while ago it would have been so off my agenda that even suggesting it would have seen MM scuttling back to his W with his manbits in a paper bag. So yeah, I'm now more open to, and more tolerant of, the demands of a full-time LTR.

 

Him: MM's never had any of those needs met in his M. He's had to make his own provision (and for his kids) so he doesn't look to having those met outside of himself. WRT the emotional nursemaiding - he's got his counsellor, although his counsellor reckons that he's made such great progress since leaving the M that he'll be out of a job soon. MM is an awesome cook, a capable domestic drudge, a committed parent and a star performer at his job too, so in many respects he really doesn't NEED a woman in his life.

 

But we enjoy cooking TOGETHER, shopping TOGETHER, doing chores TOGETHER, and with a whole bunch of kids between us to rope in to do the stuff we'd rather not do, we're unlikely to find ourselves simmering with resentment over that kind of stuff.

[roxistar]

Having an affair is wrong no matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome- good or bad. Condoning behavior of this kind is also wrong. I think we should all know this by now.

[OWoman]

Having an affair is wrong no matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome- good or bad. Condoning behavior of this kind is also wrong. I think we should all know this by now.

 

I think what we should all know by now is that not everyone subscribes to the same belief sysstem. Affairs are wrong to YOU because you subscribe to a belief that monogamy and sexual exclusiveness is right. I don't. You consider marriage sacred and inviolable. I consider it oppressive and damaging. You consider affairs wrong. I consider affairs liberating. And as unlikely as I am ever to convince you of my viewpoint, you're even less likely to ever convince me of yours.

[OpenBook]

Having an affair is wrong no matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome- good or bad. Condoning behavior of this kind is also wrong. I think we should all know this by now.

 

No - trying to shove your own morality down everybody else's throat is what's wrong. I actually agree with you - affairs are wrong, for ME. But I've got no room to judge/condemn OWoman or any other woman for the choices they have made in their own unique circumstances.

[Lookingforward]

No - trying to shove your own morality down everybody else's throat is what's wrong.

 

like totally - and it gets OLD

[whichwayisup]

Owoman, do you expect faithfulness from your guy? Or will it be okay later on into your relationship if he cheats on you? You don't believe in marriage, that's cool - Marriage isn't for everyone. But, what about committment and monogamy? Don't you expect him to stay faithful to you?

[OWoman]

Owoman, do you expect faithfulness from your guy? Or will it be okay later on into your relationship if he cheats on you? You don't believe in marriage, that's cool - Marriage isn't for everyone. But, what about committment and monogamy? Don't you expect him to stay faithful to you?

 

No.

 

If he chooses to, that's his choice, but I have no such expectation. I think sexual exclusivity is unnatural.

[Owl]

That does raise something I'm not sure I've asked you, Owoman.

 

Do you intend to be faithful to him in any way? Do you intend to marry once he's divorced from his BW?

 

And if the answer to these is no...are you 100% positive that he's not only heard this from you, but fully and completely understands and wholeheatedly agrees?

[OWoman]

That does raise something I'm not sure I've asked you, Owoman.

 

Do you intend to be faithful to him in any way? Do you intend to marry once he's divorced from his BW?

 

And if the answer to these is no...are you 100% positive that he's not only heard this from you, but fully and completely understands and wholeheatedly agrees?

 

Owl, yes we will likely marry, for visa purposes. For him to live permanently in my country, or me in his, will require one or the other of us to get a visa. There are other ways of doing so but they're long and uncertain - this is quicker and ensured. It's not what I'd have chosen, given my views, but the plan is to marry in my country so that it can be undone at a moment's notice if we choose.

 

On the sexual exclusivity story, it's more complex. He knows my position on this, and understands it although he himself is a one-woman man. But the thing is, with him I HAVE found myself sexually exclusive, not out of any changed belief, but because he fulfills all my sexual needs and because he's the only one I'm wanting to bed. He's far and away the best I've ever had, so why would I look elsewhere when I can have something I'm assured is the best? A triumph of pragmatics over principles, perhaps?