malaclypse Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Ok, short recap: I had an A with MW, after three months I stopped believing her she would ever leave her H. I told her not to contact me again unless she's free, so we had NC for about 2 months now. Two days after we implemented NC her H came to my office and tried punching me in the face, saying "she told me everything" and "that's for the sex". Since then, he ignores me and we try to avoid each other.... The problem is that her H works with me, and for 2 weeks now she sometimes comes at noon and eats with him and the rest of our group (which of course includes me). Up to today, we just ignored each other, but she often looked at me in a weird way... Today after lunch she told me "You don't have to be such an a s s h o l e.". I said something like "What? Why? I don't understand?", but then her H came and we stopped talking (or better, I wussed out and walked away to my office).... I wrote a text "I have no idea what that was all about. If you want to talk, feel free to, but not like this...". But then I didn't send it, I deleted it. Maybe she thinks I'm an ******* for ignoring/avoiding her, but I told her before I do not come in 'friend-size' and if she won't be my gf, she will not have me at all. Or maybe she's pissed off that I keep up the NC? Obviously I still miss her, but I will not be an affair for her, and I will not be her friend, and I will not break NC... I don't even really need advice, I know what I will (not) do, but I'm confused and if anyone has any ideas or comments, or maybe an insight into her motivations... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Wow...I don't know how this situation stands to get any better, or how you or anyone else is going to get the chance to heal like this. Working with her H will skew any kind of personal recovery...and any kind of contact with her (like her coming to lunch) just continues to fuel the whole situation. Blunt question...and I truly mean this for YOUR good...what are the odds of you seeking employment someplace else. This is toxic, and just going to get worse I'd think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 (edited) Changing job is out of question for at least 1.5 years, for reasons I don't want to get into... Her husband doesn't really bother me, he really hates me, but that's understandable...I tried to talk to him for two times during coffee breaks but he just ignores me - I respect that and didn't try lately. Surprisingly, most of the time I just feel sorry for him... I hated him, but that passed. And I was actually doing quite good, but yeah, seeing her and her seeing me and her looking at me longingly...this ****s me up. I tried dating other women, but I'm not really into it yet, and they notice, I guess, so it never lead anywhere... The worst thing is that it really upsets me that she thinks I'm an *******. It shouldn't, but ... I tried to be as fair as possible to them, I never broke NC, I actively avoided them, so why would she say this... And yes, I know I should just ignore what happened and focus on work and potential dates... but I seem to want to think about this and her. Edited February 27, 2008 by malaclypse Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 That's tough, and good on ya for keeping NC. I'll read your backstory (I assume it's around).... Next time don't avoid H's punch and then you can keep your job and he'll be fired and arrested for assault. Win-win Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 And yes, I know I should just ignore what happened and focus on work and potential dates... but I seem to want to think about this and her. You CAN'T 'move on' and ignore what happened while she's still showing up at the office, and you're seeing her H everyday at work. That's my point. You're going to be mired in this for a long time to come, unless something changes this situation. I really don't have any advice for you on how to deal with things from here...there's really nothing you can do while its all still right in your face. I'm not bashing you...not at all. It sounds like you're trying to do the right thing...I just don't see anyway for things to change, unless someone changes the base premise of the situation. Either he needs to leave, or you. Or its going to stay like this. Can YOU see any other way for this to work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 That's tough, and good on ya for keeping NC. I'll read your backstory (I assume it's around).... Next time don't avoid H's punch and then you can keep your job and he'll be fired and arrested for assault. Win-win Actually, I didn't. He came into the office and said "we need to talk". I said "lets go somewhere where we have privacy", and turned around to pick up my cellphone. He then lashed out at me and hit me on the neck. I was completely surprised, I would have never expected something like that....I turned around, moved back a bit and went into 'defense mode', and he walked away... I thought about going to the police or telling my boss, but ... seriously, he deserved it, and it hasn't happend again, so I'm not going to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I agree with Owl, not alot you can do, and it would be hard to ignore it since you will be reminded of things, with him working there and her coming to eat lunch there sometimes etc. I know you said leaving your current position is not an option. I see alot of people say that as well. IMO, I feel its something you either truly want to do or not. If you want to escape the situation as far as not being around her H, leaving might be your best bet or at least transfered to another department if that is possible. The job situation can be worked out, it just depends on what you truly want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 You're going to be mired in this for a long time to come, unless something changes this situation. I really don't have any advice for you on how to deal with things from here...there's really nothing you can do while its all still right in your face. I'm not bashing you...not at all. It sounds like you're trying to do the right thing...I just don't see anyway for things to change, unless someone changes the base premise of the situation. Either he needs to leave, or you. Or its going to stay like this. Can YOU see any other way for this to work out? Of course you are completely right, but he is locked into the job for even longer than I am, and he's a foreigner, so quitting means to him 'goodbye first-world' and going back to his second/third-world country of origin.... The only way for it to work out that I see is that I just keep avoiding and ignoring them, keeping NC. I knew she was married from the start, so I guess I deserve some hardship. And I am strong enough to manage as long as she ignores me right back....not that this is really a 'way for it to work out', but it should be doable...it was until she talked to me today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 I know you said leaving your current position is not an option. I see alot of people say that as well. IMO, I feel its something you either truly want to do or not. If you want to escape the situation as far as not being around her H, leaving might be your best bet or at least transfered to another department if that is possible. The job situation can be worked out, it just depends on what you truly want. Ok...I'm working on my phd, so changing job implies losing more than two years of research. Additionally, I'm at a great uni, with a salary far above most grad students in Europe or America, and my supervising professor is a really great guy, supportive and successful in the field. And just finding any position in my field is quite hard, so ... I really can't quit until I have my degree. Same goes for her H, with (as mentioned) the additional problem that he is only allowed to stay here because of his position and would be kicked out of western europe if he quits. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I understand what you're saying with your job situation. If you feel ignoring them is your best option, then I guess it is for now. Personally, I would find that hard since, even though you might be ignoring them, as far as not speaking, the fact is, the situation and what has happend is still going to be staring you in the face. The tension will be there reguardless. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 I understand what you're saying with your job situation. If you feel ignoring them is your best option, then I guess it is for now. The alternative would be contacting her, so .. yes, it's my 'best' option. Personally, I would find that hard since, even though you might be ignoring them, as far as not speaking, the fact is, the situation and what has happend is still going to be staring you in the face. The tension will be there reguardless. Good luck. Of course, I'm aware of that. I will tell of a memory, maybe this helps understanding me: I remember how it started to get serious. She came to my place, we talked, and then tried to seduce me and get me to kiss her. I refused, I felt so guilty. I told her that I will not kiss her because of her marriage. She didn't stop, she told me how he beats her, how unhappy she is, how she never loved him, how much she loves me, on and on. I was in love with her, too, I had a complete crush on her, it was so incredibly hard not to give in. Finally, after more than an hour, I told myself that now, I had to either kick her out or give in and kiss her. Knowing how painful it would be letting her go I decided to kiss her. The moment where I took the decision is crystal clear in my head. It was a conscious decision. I don't regret it, even with everything that happend. When I took that decision, I accepted that I will cause a lot of pain, that I will break the trust of her H, and that things will be ****ty for me if it doesn't work out. Well...it didn't work out, things are ****ty right now. Play with fire, get burned. I knew what I was doing, now I have to live with the consequences... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Ok, short recap: I had an A with MW, after three months I stopped believing her she would ever leave her H. I told her not to contact me again unless she's free, so we had NC for about 2 months now. Two days after we implemented NC her H came to my office and tried punching me in the face, saying "she told me everything" and "that's for the sex". Since then, he ignores me and we try to avoid each other.... The problem is that her H works with me, and for 2 weeks now she sometimes comes at noon and eats with him and the rest of our group (which of course includes me). Up to today, we just ignored each other, but she often looked at me in a weird way... Today after lunch she told me "You don't have to be such an a s s h o l e.". I said something like "What? Why? I don't understand?", but then her H came and we stopped talking (or better, I wussed out and walked away to my office).... I wrote a text "I have no idea what that was all about. If you want to talk, feel free to, but not like this...". But then I didn't send it, I deleted it. Maybe she thinks I'm an ******* for ignoring/avoiding her, but I told her before I do not come in 'friend-size' and if she won't be my gf, she will not have me at all. Or maybe she's pissed off that I keep up the NC? Obviously I still miss her, but I will not be an affair for her, and I will not be her friend, and I will not break NC... I don't even really need advice, I know what I will (not) do, but I'm confused and if anyone has any ideas or comments, or maybe an insight into her motivations... This really sound's like a mess! I think you need to stay strong with NC..you deserve to be more than just an A for her and it sound's to me like that's all your were! Good luck. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 He can't stay "strong NC" if she's coming to the office every day. I have no further advice I can offer...I'll be interested to see how this one plays out though. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Well...it didn't work out, things are ****ty right now. Play with fire, get burned. I knew what I was doing, now I have to live with the consequences... -Unfortunately this is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Ok, the story goes on... Today at lunch, she tried flirting with me...and a few minutes ago, she wrote me an email... Thinking about you constantly....blahblahblah (please talk to me when we're having lunch together)...blahblahblah.... PS: Everything that I told you before is true. The PS of course refers to all the 'I love you's I had received from her by various means of electronic communication before the NC. I thought about ignoring it, but then I did what felt right (and is wrong, probably) and replied: If you want to talk, ok. But only in real life, somewhere outside or so where we can talk freely. And if this is just another sick joke by H, hope it helps you... I doubt she has the courage to meet me in person like that, so I guess it's the last I will be hearing of her for quite some time again. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Why not tell her instead..."I no longer want to continue in this lie. Either choose to be with him, or choose to be with me. Whatever you choose, be prepared to do it openly and honestly. I will no longer be a party to deception or an affair."? Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) Why not tell her instead..."I no longer want to continue in this lie. Either choose to be with him, or choose to be with me. Whatever you choose, be prepared to do it openly and honestly. I will no longer be a party to deception or an affair."? I told her this before, that's why the NC was implemented in the first place. Of course I'm still too involved to just not take that chance of meeting her and talking to her..anyway I doubt she will do it, she's too afraid. Don't worry, I have my zipper under control Edited February 29, 2008 by malaclypse Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Its not just the zipper that's involved in the affair...its the whole person. That's why ANY contact is a continuation of the affair...not just physical interaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Its not just the zipper that's involved in the affair...its the whole person. That's why ANY contact is a continuation of the affair...not just physical interaction. Of course you are right. Anyway, she wrote again, and (as expected) she wrote that she is not able to meet me, that her H locks her in their flat sometimes, that he took her cellphone and her laptop and controls her email and stuff... I simply wrote "real life meeting or no contact, at all." Wrong answer, I know. Feel free to rub this is my face in the only-too-near future =) Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Anyway, she wrote again, and (as expected) she wrote that she is not able to meet me, that her H locks her in their flat sometimes, that he took her cellphone and her laptop and controls her email and stuff... There are obviously more problems going on here than meets the eye if he is doing this. I would stay as far away as possible. But that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Of course you are right. Anyway, she wrote again, and (as expected) she wrote that she is not able to meet me, that her H locks her in their flat sometimes, that he took her cellphone and her laptop and controls her email and stuff... I'm curious....if she's that locked down, how can she write you (assuming text/e-mail)? Methinks bravo sierra... Notes like that are quite worthy of a silence sandwich, IMO. Hey, I figured I'd start early Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 There are obviously more problems going on here than meets the eye if he is doing this. I would stay as far away as possible. But that's just me. Of course, a lot more problems. But I love her. ****, huh? And yes, there's a lot of problems , her H beats her, but she's too afraid to just leave him (she's in a strange country, doesn't know anyone except for the people in my/her H's group, and she's not convinced I can 'protect' her from her H who has a history of violence....and she was abused as a kid so she's very very easily dominated by violence ). =/ Also, I'm not sure how much of the stuff she tells me is true, but since I saw the blue spots on her body, and her husband attacked me, I know the beating part is true.... But she begged me many times not to call the police on him, so I don't... I'm curious....if she's that locked down, how can she write you (assuming text/e-mail)? Methinks bravo sierra... Notes like that are quite worthy of a silence sandwich, IMO. Hey, I figured I'd start early I mean she has a new 'safe' webmail account but she cannot use her regular email nor check it from her computer (web history). Yeah, the situation is ****ed. I was ready to forget her, but the last two days just brought her back. Now I'm ready to make all the mistakes again I told myself never to do again. Great, isn't it? =/ Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 The more you hang around and continue ANY type of contact with her, her chances of being beaten by her husband are greater. Why make all those mistakes again...Is it worth putting her life in danger? You know first hand her H is violent and has taken you on. This isn't just your life, what you want. Look at the big picture here. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Of course, a lot more problems. But I love her. ****, huh? And yes, there's a lot of problems , her H beats her, but she's too afraid to just leave him (she's in a strange country, doesn't know anyone except for the people in my/her H's group, and she's not convinced I can 'protect' her from her H who has a history of violence....and she was abused as a kid so she's very very easily dominated by violence ). =/ Also, I'm not sure how much of the stuff she tells me is true, but since I saw the blue spots on her body, and her husband attacked me, I know the beating part is true.... But she begged me many times not to call the police on him, so I don't... I mean she has a new 'safe' webmail account but she cannot use her regular email nor check it from her computer (web history). Yeah, the situation is ****ed. I was ready to forget her, but the last two days just brought her back. Now I'm ready to make all the mistakes again I told myself never to do again. Great, isn't it? =/ Abuse is serious, and I'm sure you're aware of that. If you really care/love her, probably the best thing you could do for her right now is, give her the number to the domestic hotline,and/orwomens shelter. If you truly want to help because you care, that might be the best place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author malaclypse Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Abuse is serious, and I'm sure you're aware of that. If you really care/love her, probably the best thing you could do for her right now is, give her the number to the domestic hotline,and/orwomens shelter. If you truly want to help because you care, that might be the best place to start. I already did that, and I talked to her about it, and called two different 'abused-women-hotlines' and talked to the people there, and prepared them for her call...but she doesn't want to. =( I also gave her the address for the women's house, and offered her to pay her a flat or a hotel... to no avail.... Link to post Share on other sites
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