complicatedlife Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) I haven't posted about my situation in awhile...exMM and I have tried our best to be as platonic as we can be - we really want to be able to be in each other's lives. Now - I am not going to say that we haven't been tempted to spend time together, and he has asked - it kills me to say no. But other than that, we're doing ok. There's just this one thing: we both still have the same feelings, and for me, I am at a point where I don't know if I should go NC because his therapy has stopped working, and he and his wife are almost at the same place where they were before they separated. I don't want to go down that road again, but I don't want to encourage unhealthy decisions. Yet, he says talking with me helps him so much; I continually encourage him to give it his all for the sake of his children.....yet...I care so much, I am scared that if he asks, I will end up in that relationship again (he was separated when we dated, but I wouldn't do that again as separated does not equal divorced!). Anyone go/going through this or have any suggestion(s)? Thanks. Edited January 19, 2008 by complicatedlife improper grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 This is really troubling me...... Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 You will end up right back where you were. In my experience you cannot maintain a platonic friendship if the feelings are still there. What you are engaging in now is an EA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 You will end up right back where you were. In my experience you cannot maintain a platonic friendship if the feelings are still there. What you are engaging in now is an EA. but what is an EA? I'm assuming it means emotional affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Yes, an emotional affair. You are "encouraging him to give it his all for the sake of his children", yet you have obviously discussed that you both still have the same feelings for each other. That is not a platonic friendship. If you are serious about him wanting to make his M work, then you should go NC. It's not an easy thing to do but what you are doing now is not helping him achieve that goal. And if you had a physical R before, maintaining the emotional contact that you are having now will likely lead back to the physical. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 If you really do want him to try to figure out his married relationship then you really should...let him go completely. I'm sure that talking to you makes him feel better, but I doubt it is really helping him, or you for that matter. It is an emotional affair and it really just stirs the pot of confusion. Sorry, you got mixed up with someone that was seperated. It is hard to decide when you have a little of both. He did go back so let him have that choice fully. Sometimes you show that you care most by letting go. If you are already feeling like you could slip and you also know that you don't want to go down that road again. Then you know what you need to do. Also, by keeping a close friendship with him, you are preventing yourself to be open to other options. Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) ...how does one do that when you feel like there is a real and true friendship? We WERE friends for awhile before becoming involved. And I mean, we are really friends - I call him or text him just like I would any other friend on a whim to say, "Hey - you will never believe"...or even, "I need your advice- what do you think about"....it's hard because of the feelings, yes, but also difficult because of the friendship. I guess because we were involved they can't be separated any more. I'm very sad about that. I know I may be reaching here, but...what about the fact that we've had ample opportunity to be in each other's company, but we don't - we've stuck to the arrangement? And I feel like I'd be turning my back on him - he's having all these issues and wants/needs to talk. He's been a good support to me in a variety of things, and it seems so insensitive to turn my back and say, oh well, you went back, so now we can't be friends. I feel like that means that we were never genuinely friends in the first place. So hard....I want to add that I actually encouraged him to go back because he seemed to have unresolved issues with her and I felt like if we were to ever have a future, he needed to do that for them first. If I had pushed for it, he may not have gone back, and if he did, it would have taken awhile for him to do so. It was as if he wanted my permission to go back and try to work things out.... Edited January 19, 2008 by complicatedlife addition Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 ...how does one do that when you feel like there is a real and true friendship? We WERE friends for awhile before becoming involved. Yes, you WERE friends a while ago...But then you two crossed the platonic line of friendship and allow something to happen. You had an affair...You two can't go back, too much has happened, so a real, true and honest friendship can never happen. Even more so because he is married and ANY type of contact with you is unfair to his wife, unfair to his marriage. Somehow you have to let him go. You care for him and are emotionally involved with him still, even on a friendship level - aka emotional affair. Because of this, it prevents you from letting go of him completely and healing so you can move on. Having him in your life only makes it harder for you to ever find someone else as your feelings for him will cloud ANY potiential relationship for you in the future. It's your life, your choice. Is short term good feelings worth a lifetime of pain and maybe missing out on someone else who is special? Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Yea, you were friends before you had an A, but that friendship has gone for good since you both decided to have a A - the friendship has now gone and has been replaced with being ex-lovers. So you can't ever get a genuine friendship back as it'll just be masking romantic/sexual feelings - ie you'd pretty much be continuing the A as an EA, under the mask of 'being friends'. I'd 100% go NC as 'wanting to be in eachothers lives as a friend' is not true....what you both really want is to be in eachothers lives as lovers. You both seem to be clinging on to the A - move on! You only have one life - why waste it hanging around hoping a married man sorts his crap out? Lots of nice SG out there! And if in a while this MM has D his W and comes to try n get you, you can be open to it then! Until then he's married, off limits, too much of an emotional drain on you and he has too much baggage! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Just because you aren't being physical doesn't make you friends. It makes you two people who want to be together and are using "friends" as a way to settle for what you can get while still getting some sort of a fix. Platonic = no romantic gestures OR emotions. The sort of thing you feel for your best girl friend, or a family member. What happens when you're back to being friends but still care? What happens? Your heart dies a little more each day that you subject yourself to "friends". There is only one way to escape the pain: remove the source. The "friendship" has to end. No contact of any sort, period. It will hurt at first, but the pain will subside over time. Link to post Share on other sites
phoenixrising Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 I agree with a previous post: Sometimes you show that you care most by letting go. I'm in a very similar situation to yours. When 1 year had passed and our feelings kept getting deeper, we tried a "friendship" for a year. Everyone is right - it's simply an EA, and actually was even more difficult emotionally than the PA because it was during this time that we bonded in a very deep way. And, yes, because it's natural for the physical to follow, the EA only lasted a year before the PA began again. Typical roller coaster. I wanted with all my heart to be just "friends" but as the previous posters said, it's just not possible. If you are both honest with yourselves you will see that it is preventing you both from having a complete relationship with anyone. You both obviously have a great capacity for love, which will never be fully realized if you remain in the current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author complicatedlife Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 ...thank you to all of you for your words. I will consider them as I am making my decision. Link to post Share on other sites
malaclypse Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 What happens when you're back to being friends but still care? You suffer, because it doesn't work like that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 ...thank you to all of you for your words. I will consider them as I am making my decision. I hope you do the right thing for YOU and do what is less painful in the long term. See, right now day to day, having him as a friend is fulfilling..It's just in the future the friendship WILL hold you back from completely letting him go out of your heart, let alone allow your heart to be open to someone else down the line... Also, don't discuss this process with him. Do this on your own. Detach, don't include him in your daily life. Stop relying on him, confiding in him, don't ask questions about him and his life. Eventually the less you know about him the better off you will feel and be. Link to post Share on other sites
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