Don'tKnowWhereToTurn Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 hello everyone... I came here to see if I could get some advice, because my friends just don't really understand the siutation...So here goes... I'm a 20 year old woman who is in love with 30 year old boss... It all started last September (2006), Labor Day weekend to be exact, when we starting talking online one night. The convo was pretty innocent until the end when it got mildly sexual and beyond normal co-worker conversation. And up until about February of '07, I would recieve a phone call about once a week from him, or an email that he sent just to say hey. Then a new rule came about at our office, saying that co-workers, especially non-eqaul employees were not permitted to socialize outside of the office. Thus stopped my phone calls and regular emails. Did I mention that he's married? Has been for a little over 3 years and has told me he is terribily unhappy and thinks he rushed into a marriage with his wife. Luckily they don't have any kids. And even though we've stopped communicating as much outside of the office, I can't stop thinking about him! He's obviously flirtatous in the office, and I've been asked by a co-worker of mine if anything was going on between my boss and I. I want soo much to just blurt out to him that I think I love him and grab him by the ears and kiss the air out of him. But alas, I haven't the nerve nor the opportunity. So basically, I'm looking for advice on one of two things... 1)How to tell him I love him 2)How to stop thinking about him soo darn much. anything would be helpful...thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 You wanted advice? Here's mine... Leave him be with his W. Let him sort his M out first then ask him to come and talk to you. I can understand if you got involved with him not knowing that he's married in the first place but you did and that should be good enough of a reason for you to leave him be. I don't think you love your boss, you just love the attention he's giving you. You're only 20, there are plenty of young single men out there for you to pursue. If you want someone experienced, find a divorcee. Link to post Share on other sites
disgracian Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Seconded. Don't mess around with marriages. Cheers, D. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Do you want to look for a new job? My advice is steer clear... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 If your coworkers are already asking you about him, then you can be sure there are people talking about you behind your back, too. Do you want to be that girl, the one everybody whispers about and laughs about b/c she's screwing the married boss? Do you care about your job and career? Then step back. How to step back? Geez, you're 20. Surely there are a lot of fun activities out there, and lots and lots of single guys to flirt with and date! I think this is a temporary infatuation, and as soon as someone else captures your attention, this infatuation with the 'powerful', older guy will start to fade. Just ride it out and don't do something that could get you fired. Also, keep in mind that he's backed off since that rule came out. He's not contacting you out of the office and he might be idly flirting with you because you're a pretty young girl and it's fun and your admiration strokes his ego, but he's not willing to risk his job or his marriage over it. If you declare your love or kiss him, you might walk away feeling embarrassed and humiliated for doing so. Finally, it really should be a no-brainer that married = off limits. It doesn't matter how miserable he says he is in his marriage - guys say crap like that all the time and it's usually not the total truth and even if it is, he's a loooong, looooong way from leaving his wife if he ever does. Pursuing him means you're ok with being the other woman on the sidelines while he stays married indefinitely ..are you really ok with the idea of only a partial relationship? Would you go after a single guy who's been dating his gf for 3 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Don'tKnowWhereToTurn Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 just to clarify---i have no intentions of doing anything with this man while he's still married except maybe getting some coffee...but i can't escape the feeling that i should atleast tell him how i feel, if for no other reason that to get it off my chest and have it hopefully go away... and as for going out and meeting other guys...i don't like the club scene and all of my friends don't have any other single friends...and every single guy that i have met as either been a clueless jerk or an immature twit, neither of which interest me, Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) just to clarify---i have no intentions of doing anything with this man while he's still married except maybe getting some coffee...but i can't escape the feeling that i should atleast tell him how i feel' date=' if for no other reason that to get it off my chest and have it hopefully go away...[/quote'] And coffee leads to what? What is the purpose of that except to fuel your interest in him - it certainly won't make you forget him any sooner. And telling him how you feel is going to lead to that embarrassment and humiliation I mentioned...what will you do when he tells you thanks, but no thanks? Will that really make you feel better and make it go away, or will that just create more uncomfortable feelings? And what if he's afraid this will backfire on him into a harassment suit, so he tells HR that you are making inappropriate advances at him and need to be transferred out so he's not your boss anymore? Or, as you might wish, what if you tell him and he says he'd love to get to know you better. Then what? He's still married, so then you pine away for him until/IF he gets a divorce? How will that make you forget him? Or do you think it's more likely that there will be a night with a stolen kiss, and then a little more, and then a little more, until - like the frog who didn't notice how hot the water was slowly becoming around him - you find yourself in too deep into an affair, emotional or physical or both? and as for going out and meeting other guys...i don't like the club scene and all of my friends don't have any other single friends...and every single guy that i have met as either been a clueless jerk or an immature twit, neither of which interest me,So at the age of 20, you've written off every guy out there except your boss? I referenced 'fun activities' not the club scene. Join a hiking group, or a softball team. Join a gym and start lifting weights - not only will you feel great and look good, there are lots of people there to meet. Take an investment class and learn how to invest your money and meet other interesting, intelligent people, both men and woman, who might have interesting, intelligent friends, too. Take a dance class and meet new girlfriends to hang out with - they might have parties and single guy friends. Point is, the club scene is not all there is to meet men. Hell, you can meet them hanging out in the bookstore - try the travel section and meet someone who likes to see the world! Edited January 19, 2008 by norajane Link to post Share on other sites
Author Don'tKnowWhereToTurn Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 i don't plan to have sex at all until I'm married, so getting "that deep" into an "affair" would not be an issue... I don't expect anything from him...I know it's a crazy situation...but seeing him everyday makes me like him more and more. i know in the first post i said i loved him...and i do...but not in a madly in love kind of way...not yet anyway. he's been a great support at work and has backed me up on many occasions... and he's soooo charming! argh.... Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 and as for going out and meeting other guys...i don't like the club scene and all of my friends don't have any other single friends...and every single guy that i have met as either been a clueless jerk or an immature twit' date=' neither of which interest me,[/quote'] Once again, you're only 20! At that age, I knew better than to get involved with a MM or be interested in one. I had a boss who was giving me more attention to me than he did the rest, very nice and supportive but I didn't love him... cos I am matured enough to know what's right and wrong. 3 years later, I still feel the same way about being involved with committed men. As for the twits you've been crossing paths with, it's just too bad that they are twits and jackar*eses but that does not mean there isn't any nice guys out there AT ALL. Meeting guys does not mean you have to be in the club scene . There are other ways and places to meet other bachelors. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 The others are right - you're very young. This is merely an infactuation - it's not love. Most cheating married men aren't looking for a coffee partner or a going to the movies buddy - they're looking for sex and excitement on the side. If you think he's looking for 'love,' you're sorely mistaken. He's 10 years older, in a position of power at work, and married. Already THREE negatives. But he sounds like a sleaze because none of those things are stopping him from hitting on the pretty little 20 year old at work. There's no pay-off in telling this guy that you love him. All you're doing is handing him the power to eventually seduce you. And that's all he WANTS to do. Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 i don't plan to have sex at all until I'm married, so getting "that deep" into an "affair" would not be an issue... I don't expect anything from him...I know it's a crazy situation...but seeing him everyday makes me like him more and more. i know in the first post i said i loved him...and i do...but not in a madly in love kind of way...not yet anyway. he's been a great support at work and has backed me up on many occasions... and he's soooo charming! argh.... HE'S MARRIED. He's Married. He's MARRIED. He's married. I don't know how to say it any clearer than that. He has a prior commitment. If you are feeling attracted as you say you are then for heaven's sake before there's anymore bs that comes your way, leave it the heck alone. His wife is the woman in his life, and she should come first. Workplace affairs just do not work. *shaking head* please don't fall into this when there are so many single guys out there who can give you the time and attention you are looking for. Why go for a married guy? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 I'm a 20 year old woman who is in love with 30 year old boss... There's your reason to not get involved. He is your boss and you're so young, just starting out in life - Last thing you want to deal with is a reputation for sleeping with the boss, let alone a MARRIED boss. You're young, smart and I'm sure you have self confidence...By having an affair with your MMboss, is a BIG mistake! Did I mention that he's married? Has been for a little over 3 years and has told me he is terribily unhappy and thinks he rushed into a marriage with his wife. Luckily they don't have any kids. Then, let him divorce. Don't get involved with a man who is married and has a rocky marriage...Stay away until HE sorts his life out. You need to think outside of the box here - You do NOT know if this man is telling you the truth about his wife. Many men will say ANYTHING to have sex with a woman and fact still remains, the guy is your boss. Do you want to be the topic of discussion around the watercooler at work? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 i don't plan to have sex at all until I'm married, so getting "that deep" into an "affair" would not be an issue... I don't expect anything from him...I know it's a crazy situation...but seeing him everyday makes me like him more and more. i know in the first post i said i loved him...and i do...but not in a madly in love kind of way...not yet anyway. he's been a great support at work and has backed me up on many occasions... and he's soooo charming! argh.... Does anyone know about this? Did you tell your parents, friends, other collegues? IF not, WHY not? I bet you haven't because you know going after him is wrong..And, you probably know what your family and friends, coworkers would say... You're wasting time on someone who is 10 years older than you, married and is your BOSS. The part I bolded - HELLO, that is what BOSSES do, they back up their employees and are supportive. i don't plan to have sex at all until I'm married, so getting "that deep" into an "affair" would not be an issue... You have that affair, you'll be having sex and all your morals about saving yourself for marriage WILL disappear. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 i don't plan to have sex at all until I'm married, so getting "that deep" into an "affair" would not be an issue... i know in the first post i said i loved him...and i do...but not in a madly in love kind of way...not yet anyway. Ever heard of an emotional affair? You don't have to have sex to get 'too deep' into an affair, so deep you won't want out or can't seem to make yourself end the attachment and are miserable every day. Read some threads here, or google emotional affair. Point being, if you don't reign this in while you still have a chance, you will soon be madly in love with a married man - and in a one-sided way. That's a very painful position to be in. and he's soooo charming! argh.... Please don't mistake charm for genuine caring on his part - why do you think players are so successful at their game?? It's because they are charming. AND, don't mistake getting your head turned by a charming man as 'love' on your part. You're feeding on the attention, and that attention makes you feel good about yourself, so you take that to mean you care for him because you like being around him. That's not actually the same thing as love. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 The fastest way to be unemployed is to mess with the boss after you already know the rules. Jesus, you are younger than my kid. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 but i can't escape the feeling that i should atleast tell him how i feel, if for no other reason that to get it off my chest and have it hopefully go away... I also need to comment on this. Look, your feelings are YOUR problem and you shouldn't put it on him. He is married, your boss and telling him would be a big mistake. It wont' go away, infact your feelings will GROW because you put it out there..Don't open that door. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) i have no intentions of doing anything with this man while he's still married except maybe getting some coffee...but i can't escape the feeling that i should atleast tell him how i feel' date=' if for no other reason that to get it off my chest and have it hopefully go away...[/quote'] So some thirty year old at work told you his marriage was on the rocks after three years, then backed off when some new rule came out about fraternisation. And you can't forget the excitement of it all, and you want to tell him you 'love him'. You have some idea that since there are no children and its only been three years since he got married, that he might leave when he hears that you are in love with him. This will not happen. He barely knows you. It is, at the moment at least, a bit of flirtation on his part to pass the time and add a little spice to his life. Telling him you have feelings for him will most likely lead to one of two things: him telling you to back off because of the rule at work, or more involvement, which you say won't be sexual but nevertheless will be fine for him because he will get to have someone panting for him at work. Its all incredibly pointless for you. All you will come away with is a broken heart, embarrassment, and probably having to change your job. It's not worth it. But perhaps at twenty it's not so bad to get yourself a broken heart and a few life lessons. However looking from the outside it just looks like a monumental waste of your time, energy and tears. Edited January 21, 2008 by frannie adding Link to post Share on other sites
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