Affair with married co-worker - so

[Summer108]

Hi. I am new on here and am really struggling and would like some advice. I have been divorced for 3 years and have had a horrible time out there in the dating world. I have recently been dating a MM who for the first time in a reeaaaally long time has made me feel absolutely beautiful. I have been seeing an MM in my office for about a month and a half and am really starting to fall hard for him. We have known each other for about 4 years and have become extremely close friends over the past 5 or 6 months. Over those months, a really strong flirtation/attraction started and a month and a half ago we were alone in the office and he kissed me and I thought I was going to melt right there on the floor. We meet about twice a week and I am so scared that I am starting to fall in love with him.

 

He says he cares for me very much but it is highly doubtful that he will ever leave his wife. He says he's not happy at home, he is just complacent and is afraid of hurting his family and the complications it would bring. I told him that the only way I could justify staying in the R was if he agreed to give it time, see where our feelings went and then be open to what could be. He said he would do that. When we are alone together he is very affectionate and loving but when we are in the office in front of other people, it kills me that he can't show his feelings other than friendship toward me.

 

It hurts so badly knowing that he is going home to his "other life" every night. I spend a lot of my nights at home crying and trying to figure things out. I'm so confused. I'm so crazy for this guy but this is making me miserable and I don't know what to do.

[Love is Tragic]

There arent any simple answers-im so sorry for your pain. Its a terrible thing to want someone you cant really fully have. Trust me, i know all too well. Its almost like a cruel joke that life plays to hand you someone so wonderful, and so compatible to you-and know that they go home to another every night, whether happily married or not. Its crushing. Im going through the same thing, except im married. I suppose thank god you arent also involved with another, as it is horrible to try to deal with emotions with two men. One is bad enough! lol.

 

If he is "the one", and you are to him as well, youll find a way to make it work. I say give it time, maybe the way you feel is because of the initial thrill of something new. You say he isnt truely happy at home, its sad how many married men and women arent happy, but stay for the kids, or for appearances. I have a child, so i can understand the line of thinking, but sooner or later those children will realize their parents arent happy, and that will affect their happiness. I had a boss once who had been married for over 20 years. She said that when her kids were grown, they actually told her that they had wished her and her H had gotten divorced many years ago. They said not only would their parents have been happier, but their relationships with their parents would have been stronger. They knew their parents were both miserable. She told me that the best thing people can do is get out early, before 10, 15, 20 years have gone by and youre stuck with no way to get out. Maybe you can relay this to MM? I dont know if anyone is ever really happy in a marriage.

Edited January 15, 2008 by Love is Tragic

[whichwayisup]

I have been seeing an MM in my office for about a month and a half

 

You feel this way now and it's only been such a short time? You have a choice to get out now and get over this guy. He is married and more than likely isn't going to leave his wife.

 

Do you have children? If so, you need to think of them and example you are setting.

[OWoman]

It hurts so badly knowing that he is going home to his "other life" every night. I spend a lot of my nights at home crying and trying to figure things out. I'm so confused. I'm so crazy for this guy but this is making me miserable and I don't know what to do.

 

Well you know what they say - if you can't take the heat, get out of the sauna. This A is clearly not good for you if it's leaving you feeling like that.

 

If you're going to be involved with a MM you need to accept that he WILL be going home to his "other" life every night. He's already told you not to hold your breath on his leaving. He's agreed to a "yeah like whatever" open-ended non-commitment which is obviously enough to keep you hanging in there with hope, but the likelihood is, from what you've described, that this is all it's going to be. Is that enough for you, or do you want more?

 

If you're happy with how things are, then go for it and enjoy it, stop thinking about his "other" life and your confusion and settle into the role of OW. If it's not what you want - and all the indications are that you're hoping for more - then cut your losses while you still can.

 

Summer it sounds from your posts that this is not a situation of your choosing, that you're with a MM because you've "had a horrible time" out on the dating scene. You're clutching at straws here but this frog is more likely to become a toad than a prince. Keep kissing and all you're likely to end up with is warts...

[Summer108]

WWIU, yes I do have two daughters 5 and 7 and I know you are right. While they do not know about the A, it breaks my heart that I have become so obsessed with this MM that I feel like even though I am taking care of them, I am just going through the motions and not fully present when I am with them. I love them more than anything on this earth and don't ever want them to have to go through what I am going through.

[Summer108]

If you're going to be involved with a MM you need to accept that he WILL be going home to his "other" life every night. He's already told you not to hold your breath on his leaving. He's agreed to a "yeah like whatever" open-ended non-commitment which is obviously enough to keep you hanging in there with hope, but the likelihood is, from what you've described, that this is all it's going to be. Is that enough for you, or do you want more?

 

If you're happy with how things are, then go for it and enjoy it, stop thinking about his "other" life and your confusion and settle into the role of OW. If it's not what you want - and all the indications are that you're hoping for more - then cut your losses while you still can.

 

 

OWoman,

I know that I am worth more than this; he even TELLS ME I'm worth more than this. That's his excuse for not stepping into this A more wholeheartedly, he says he has a lot of concern over what this is doing to me - that almost makes me feel even worse that he won't really take a chance and see where it could go. The whole dating experience WAS horrible and he came along right when I needed someone - to be quite honest, I know what I should do, I just don't know how to do it. He actually broke up with me a few weeks ago for about 4 days because he said he couldn't see him ever leaving. We were both so upset that we ended up talking and getting back together. The fact that we see each other in the office makes it twice as hard.

[Owl]

Interesting to note how you could change the poster's name, and what she describes could have come from any number of other OW here.

 

Started flirting with a co-worker.

Makes her feel attractive for the first time in a long time.

Melt at first kiss.

He's not happy at home, but not willing to leave his wife (family).

Can't seem to end the affair because they continue to see each other at work daily.

[Owl]

Summer-

 

So...what do you WANT out of this? What do you EXPECT to happen out of everything?

 

And how do you plan on either getting what you want or dealing with what you expect?

[JamesM]

Hi. I am new on here and am really struggling and would like some advice.

 

I have been seeing an MM in my office for about a month and a half and am really starting to fall hard for him. We have known each other for about 4 years and have become extremely close friends over the past 5 or 6 months. Over those months, a really strong flirtation/attraction started and a month and a half ago we were alone in the office and he kissed me and I thought I was going to melt right there on the floor. We meet about twice a week and I am so scared that I am starting to fall in love with him.

 

He says he cares for me very much but it is highly doubtful that he will ever leave his wife. He says he's not happy at home, he is just complacent and is afraid of hurting his family and the complications it would bring. I told him that the only way I could justify staying in the R was if he agreed to give it time, see where our feelings went and then be open to what could be. He said he would do that.

 

 

I'm so crazy for this guy but this is making me miserable and I don't know what to do.

 

Welcome to the Board. As for many of us, we come here at first under bad circumstances. Hopefully, your situation will get better.

 

Read the highlighted sentence over and over. He has been upfront with you...he is in an affair and this is all he wants. His marriage is lacking in something, so that is why you fill the hunger. You are an addiction to him and nothing more. I am sorry to say it this way, but the real test would be (and may be someday) when his wife finds out about his affair. If he has to choose, then whom will he choose? He will say he loves both of you, but the reality is he does but in different ways. His love for you is a friendship and passion that he is missing at home. I am guessing that he tells you exactly what is wrong in his marriage, but he has not taken the time to really tell his wife. The catch is...if she began filling the void, he would leave you.

 

Is he afraid of hurting his family? Yes, but he is more afraid of losing his secure family. He loves the thrill of having a secret life and the thrill of a fantasy relationship. he "loves" you in that sense. Yes, you are great friends, but if he had to choose, then what? Are you prepared for that hurt?

 

Do you think that it would be better if you continued this relationship after he left his wife? What do you think he would do if you asked him to choose? Are you enjoying the present fantasy with him or are you thinking of the possibility of a future with him? And if you expect a future with him, what makes you think he will not cheat on you when he becomes complacent again?

 

I can tell you what to do from my perspective as a MM (who is not cheating) and what I think motivates his relationship with you, but I think what you are hoping for is some encouragement and hope that he will leave his wife for you. While you already know what the answer would be if you were objectively looking at it from an outside POV, I think you are hoping that someone can tell you that these types of relationships lead to "and they lived happily ever after." This may happen on a rare occasion, but the statistical likelihood is that you will get your heart broken. Even if he chooses you, he has already began the relationship with a lie....can you expect he will never cheat on you?

 

I mean none of this to be critical or hurtful. If there is a way that I could look into the future and give you an exact answer, then I would. However, my answer does come from reading so many stories here which started as your relationship has and ended in sorrow and heartbreak. Please reconsider this man and choose one who can be honest, upfront and public about his love for you. Leave this one to his marital problems and wish him the best. If he does becomes divorced, then you can say that you will be waiting. Until then, you need a life.

[JamesM]

The whole dating experience WAS horrible and he came along right when I needed someone - to be quite honest, I know what I should do, I just don't know how to do it. He actually broke up with me a few weeks ago for about 4 days because he said he couldn't see him ever leaving. We were both so upset that we ended up talking and getting back together. The fact that we see each other in the office makes it twice as hard.

 

 

You filled an emptiness in his life, he filled a need in your life. While this sounds like love, it is actually the easy way for both of you. You can avoid facing the future with a man and a real relationship, because this man is not available. And the MM can avoid fixing his marriage by filling the void with you.

 

What you need to do is break the addiction and face your fears. This is hard to do. Breaking any addiction is difficult, especially when it is a person who has the same problem. I have been addicted to a person before and I know how hard it is to leave someone who is not right yet feels right. And yes, she worked with me, too. Actually, she worked for me. I was single...she had a BF.

 

SO, you work with him? Boss? Same department? Now it is more difficult. If he is a boss, then this is real sticky. You have two alternatives if you want to break this relationship....move within the company or move out of the company. Plain and simple to say, but difficult to implement.

 

Good luck.

[OWoman]

OWoman,

I know that I am worth more than this; he even TELLS ME I'm worth more than this. That's his excuse for not stepping into this A more wholeheartedly, he says he has a lot of concern over what this is doing to me - that almost makes me feel even worse that he won't really take a chance and see where it could go.

 

Summer - red flag here. A guy - MM or SG - who claims to be acting in YOUR best interests and foregrounding YOUR interests in this is doing one of two things, in my experience - he's taking control of your life and trying to "fix" it for you, stepping in to make "the right choices" on your behalf... which means that he's not trusting you to do it, not respecting you fully as an equal or crediting your choices as equal in validity to his... OR (or perhaps AND) he's hiding behind "your" needs as an excuse not to have to commit himself. He doesn't want to commit, so he offers up "your best interests" as a reason why he shouldn't.

 

The first is a co-dependent guy - he's out to save you from yourself, and he needs you to need him; once you stop needing him and become more of an equal things get disturbed.

 

The second is a guy who can't take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences of those. There are MANY MM who fall into this category, and you'll find a fair number reflected in the stories here, too.

 

There is of course the possibility that he does genuinely care for you and wants to put your needs ahead of his - but then, taking advantage of you at a vulnerable time doesn't seem consistent with that reading. I may be wrong - and I'd like to be, on this - but I'd be wary of the baggage he comes with. You have enough of your own stuff to deal with - you don't need to be dealing with his issues too!

[torranceshipman]

He is already making you miserable and makes you cry, you are home alone every night, your bed is empty every night, he isnt with you at weekends, you are frustrated and miserable at having to hide the relationship at work, it is stopping you from being a good parent to your kids, he has already told you he isnt leaving his wife, and he can see all this but wont let you go. And you're involved with him...why? I have a hard time believing that your dating life on the singles scene got any worse than this.

 

Please get out of this situation! It is really making you miserable. He wont leave his wife and this will only get worse for you if you stay. I'm not flaming you at all, I just don't like the fact you're so miserable, and its being involved with him that causes you all the pain you're in!!

[Summer108]

Summer-

 

So...what do you WANT out of this? What do you EXPECT to happen out of everything?

 

And how do you plan on either getting what you want or dealing with what you expect?

 

I want for him to fall deeply in love with me, leave his wife and BE with me. What do I expect to happen? That we drag this out and I end up getting hurt very badly and he walks away without much damage. Sick, I know. My "gameplan" has been to let him fall for me as time passes (I do see his feelings for me grow the longer we are together). How will I deal with what I expect? I have had many disappointments and heartbreaks in my life and unfortunately, I know how to get through it.

[Summer108]

SO, you work with him? Boss? Same department? Now it is more difficult. If he is a boss, then this is real sticky. You have two alternatives if you want to break this relationship....move within the company or move out of the company. Plain and simple to say, but difficult to implement.

 

Good luck.

 

We are both real estate agent - equal in status. We have offices 3 doors down from one another, but luckily, if I had to, I could do most of my work from home. I look forward to going into work every day just for the way he looks at me, winks at me from across the office and generally the way he makes me feel inside.

[Summer108]

He is already making you miserable and makes you cry, you are home alone every night, your bed is empty every night, he isnt with you at weekends, you are frustrated and miserable at having to hide the relationship at work, it is stopping you from being a good parent to your kids, he has already told you he isnt leaving his wife, and he can see all this but wont let you go. And you're involved with him...why? I have a hard time believing that your dating life on the singles scene got any worse than this.

 

 

Boy it really sounds pretty pathetic when I sit back and read and reflect on all of this. I'm scared and don't know how to give up the good stuff he is providing.

[JamesM]

You could also think of it another way...how would you feel if you were his wife and there was a woman planning ways to get your husband?

 

How would you feel if your husband was chasing after a woman he worked with because of some unknown/known problem in your marriage? How would you feel if your husband confided all of his troubles in another woman?

 

Because if you sit back and reflect...let's say that in the future you DO get what you want...this MM. Someday you could be sitting at home with children while he goes to the office with women who are all dressed up, young and attractive. And they look at him and see a man who needs a good wife.

 

What do you want for you future? A man whom you can trust or a man who you will always wonder about?

 

Today's pleasure may be tomorrow's pain. Today's pain may bring tomorrow's pleasure.

[OWoman]

I'm scared and don't know how to give up the good stuff he is providing.

 

I look forward to going into work every day just for the way he looks at me, winks at me from across the office and generally the way he makes me feel inside.

 

Summer, he makes you feel good about yourself it seems, and you don't want to give that up. How about NOT giving it up, just getting it elsewhere? Like... from yourself? If you felt good about you, his looks and winks and good feedback wouldn't be such a big deal, he'd merely be echoing what you and everyone else was already thinking and saying.

 

And then perhaps the dating scene would be something else entirely.

[erika2610]

Boy it really sounds pretty pathetic when I sit back and read and reflect on all of this. I'm scared and don't know how to give up the good stuff he is providing.

 

 

Hello Summer. First of all, welcome to Loveshack! Secondly, you said earlier you can work from home. I would suggest doing that for the time being, honestly. I worked with my ex MM. While I thought it was great while it lasted - when it's over, it's a whole different ballgame. Is there a possibility of anybody finding out? Because I can tell you from experience, that when tha happens - watch out. We were pretty open while we were together, and pretty much everybody knew. I lost quite a few friends. I got all kinds of nasty comments. One of our "friends" even called his wife, and tried to tell her. His wife then came and smashed my car. Granted, it was a different environment, as I worked in a restaurant - but you still have to think of the consequences. I obviously can not get out what I really wanted to say so well - so I'll just bottomline it. It's so not worth it. I know how it is when you are actually in the affair. He makes you feel so special. All it takes is him smiling at you, and everything is good for the moment. But in the long run, you will wish you just hadn't done it. Especially when he breaks your heart, and you have to see him day in and day out.

[Owl]

I want for him to fall deeply in love with me, leave his wife and BE with me. What do I expect to happen? That we drag this out and I end up getting hurt very badly and he walks away without much damage. Sick, I know. My "gameplan" has been to let him fall for me as time passes (I do see his feelings for me grow the longer we are together). How will I deal with what I expect? I have had many disappointments and heartbreaks in my life and unfortunately, I know how to get through it.

 

Fair enough...honest answers. I can work with that.

 

Look at how what you want and what you expect are complete opposites. This should be telling you something. To me, it screams that you need to do a reality check on your actions, and change your gameplan and modify your wants to match your expectations a little more closely.

 

I want to live a life of luxury, without ever having to work again. I expect that will never happen...so I don't have my heart set on buying a plane and a vacation home in the Bahamas.

 

You commented that you know how to deal with heartbreaks and disappointments in your life. You know how to get through them. I know that feeling well myself. But here's the thing...if you truly see this situation NOT working out, why would you want to put his wife and his family through those heartbreaks and disappointments that YOU have suffered. I know...they're not your problem. But they ARE collateral damage of YOUR choices.

 

Why put them through this pain when you know that your affair with him isn't likely to go anywhere?

 

Why not change your focus...make your wants match your expectations a little closer?

[Summer108]

I feel like such a fool. I have carried on this affair with this man, fell deeply in love, and he broke my heart today. Since my last post 2 months ago, we've been together another 2 months, a total of 4. I have fallen deeply in love. I thought he had too. He made promises of leaving and being with me. The target move-out date was going to be my birthday, May 22. We had such a great week last week, were together every day for several hours each day, got really really close. Then he got the flu for 5 days and had "time to reflect" on how things couldn't work out. Said he finally had a chance to think about how much it would hurt his family - get this, it would hurt, not his kids, but his 4 GRANDKIDS. Give me a break. And also he said our 18 year old age difference would be an issue as time went on. I don't care! I love this man and I would take care of him when he got old/sick - that's what you do when you love someone! Why is he hurting me like this? He told me we were going to have a life together. I believed him - his feelings for me seemed so real. Was I taken for a fool? I"m so confused - I can't stop crying. We are supposed to talk tomorrow and see if we might be able to work things out. I'm so scared.

[Mino]

Hi Summer. I know what you are going through, I too, work in the same field as you with my mm, and his office is next to mine. We are already past year 4. Can you imagine how many "dates" we have had? I think 9, or 10, I lost track. With 2 move ins..... His wife knows, Our co workers know, our friends know. He is even in IC to "figure himself out. Please, for your sanity, get out now while you can. You will be crushed, as the dates fly by and he comes up with yet another excuse. The last one brought me to me knees. I struggle to find a way to leave, looking for employment far away, I am working on my " escape' cause I know staying here will eventually kill me. I hope to have everything in place by the summer. No one will know. Crazy, I know. I hope this helps a bit...

[D-Lish]

moving my post- posted on the wrong thread!

Edited March 20, 2008 by D-Lish

[Owl]

Summer, please re-read my last post to you.

 

My advice stands as I gave it two months ago.

[whichwayisup]

Then he got the flu for 5 days and had "time to reflect" on how things couldn't work out. Said he finally had a chance to think about how much it would hurt his family - get this, it would hurt, not his kids, but his 4 GRANDKIDS. Give me a break. And also he said our 18 year old age difference would be an issue as time went on. I don't care! I love this man and I would take care of him when he got old/sick - that's what you do when you love someone! Why is he hurting me like this? He told me we were going to have a life together. I believed him - his feelings for me seemed so real. Was I taken for a fool? I"m so confused - I can't stop crying. We are supposed to talk tomorrow and see if we might be able to work things out. I'm so scared.

I know you don't want to hear this but it has to be said...

 

He has a right to change his mind. He realized that what he was doing isn't fair to his WHOLE family, not just his wife and kids - It's actually good that he is thinking of other people now and not just himself. He's realizing that the consquences are high, what he stands to lose - As a whole picture. Again, he has that right...

 

This also isn't just about love, to you it may be, but to him, it isn't. Sometimes love isn't enough. Maybe you two in your 4 months together bonded, and I'm sure he has feelings for you, just not enough to let go of everything in his life.

 

He has been honest and told you why. Respect that - He seems to be upfront with you and is willing to talk about it, just don't go in expecting him to change his mind. He's older than you, settled in his life and sadly you may just have to accept that your A with him IS over. I'm not sure how one can compare a 4 month affair to a lengthy marriage with kids and grandchildren, even if he told you he'd leave, and he may have meant that IN that particular moment, his actions definately (and his words to you recenly) have told you it's not going to happen. It's up to you now to either accept this and try to let go or hang onto him. I fear that if you hang onto him, he'll push you away even further and you'll be more hurt than you are now.

 

Seek counselling to help you through this, if you can't cope on your own.

[MakeLemonade]

I want for him to fall deeply in love with me, leave his wife and BE with me. What do I expect to happen? That we drag this out and I end up getting hurt very badly and he walks away without much damage. Sick, I know. My "gameplan" has been to let him fall for me as time passes (I do see his feelings for me grow the longer we are together). How will I deal with what I expect? I have had many disappointments and heartbreaks in my life and unfortunately, I know how to get through it.

 

You need to trust yourself more - why didn't YOU believe you?

 

It was either of your decision to walk away if that is what was decided and he did it first. Do you now wish it had been you a couple months ago? Or are you glad you still had the time you did together?

 

I only hope the last couple months have given you enough of that good stuff you were craving so badly to get you through, try to focus on the good times and appreciate them for what they were while also trying your best to realize this is actually for the best and move on as well as you can, it will get easier over time. You really shouldn't see him or talk to him anymore and go NC, but I know that probably isn't going to be the case. It would be the healthiest way to go, for you.

 

I also agree w/ WWIU - see a counselor if you need to, it will help to talk this out with someone who is trained to be able to help people with situations like this - otherwise you may end up talking about it w/ MM and that is just really not the way to go here if you want to feel better.

 

Read some other posts in the OW/OM forum if you haven't already - you will see how very often these similar scenarios end similarly to yours, with pain and heartbreak - no matter how many "talks" you have with him, no matter if you see him "one last time", etc.

 

It's going to be harder too, because you work together - I would work from home as much as you can right now - seeing him is only going to make it harder, he will probably still throw you those smiles and winks every once in a while and it will be like torture.

Edited March 20, 2008 by MakeLemonade