lost4ever Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I have made up my mind to tell, I know most of you do not believe that the OW should, but I can not take the guilt. I have let him go (no contact) I do not want him back in any way I am only doing this to inform the wife of what is going on. He thrives on weak women and plays on it with his line of If I tell it would only cause pain that she (W) doesn't need....What she doesn;t need is a creep for a husband bring her something! Here is the letter, I do not want to sound mean, bitter, or anything but politely indifferent, let me know if this sounds ok or if it needs to be changed. I have been going back and forth on if I should write this email. I have finally made my decision to tell you what has been going on with your husband and I. ___________ and I had an affair for over a year. I didn't write this email to try to get ________for my own, I do not think it is fair that I know, my husband knows and ______knows, but you are still in the dark. I did not write this letter with the intent of hurting you, though it may seem this way. I want to give you the opportunity to make an informed decision on your marriage and to have the chance to work on it, if that is what you choose to do. Your husband and I first started this in June of 2006, I was separated from my husband, he told me, you and him were not getting along very well either. As time went by I came to learn that he was lying to me. Not only do I believe he had no intention of leaving you, he has also pulled this game before. It came to light that he has had three other affairs, one with an old college girlfriend, one with a girl that worked at a grocery store and one with a girl that lived on the lake with you two in___________ I have also heard, second hand that he has paid for sex on some of his business adventures. My involvement with your husband is not something I am proud of in fact I am very ashamed that it happened. Please know that I have not had any involvement with your husband for a while now, and do not intend on involving myself again. I been back and forth on if and how I should let you know about this, I am afraid of the consequences I will have to suffer now that you are aware, but in the long run, I believe that I need to own up to my mistake. _____and I spent a great deal of time together, every time he was away from you, he was with me, every other week he would spend three days here and tell you he was away on business. we were together during your mothers funeral, on your anniversary , and we were in Switzerland together, I really thought you and him were not getting along very well and, though it is still wrong on my part, I hope you understand that I thought you and him were over. I sincerely regret what I have done, and I hope you view this as an apology. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 As someone who was a BS, I would have been so grateful for this letter and no matter what happens you have done what was right for you and her. God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeLemonade Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Some might say it's not your place - but I don't agree. I would want that letter too, if I were her. She deserves to make an informed decision about the man she has chosen to spend her life with. I would also think there is very little chance for much backlash as you are NC with him and your H is aware of what happened as well. I imagine it is also a bit of therapy for you as well, to apologize to her for your part in the A. There is nothing wrong with that - being regretful when we make mistakes is what makes us human. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Thanks! Hopefully she thinks it's "nice" and decides not to ruin me...since I just gave her the power and the reason to do so! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I would take out the part about her mothers funeral and switz. That's not necessary. She'll find that out but it sounds rubbing it in otherwise it's fine. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Maybe your husband can put his two cents in the letter as well? Just an idea... I agree with NF, take out the part about her mom's funeral etc.. Another thing, I hope you are prepared to talk to her, either by phone or face to face if she feels like having a conversation with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Frances Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Thanks! Hopefully she thinks it's "nice" and decides not to ruin me...since I just gave her the power and the reason to do so! She will not think it's nice, how could she. If you feel you should let her know, would it not be better not to give her so much information altogether. If she does not know about any of this it will come as a huge shock. She may need to recover a bit before heaving on the whole disgusting knowledge about her dreadful excuse of a husband. I think you should leave it that she can come back to you for more information when she is ready to take it in. You do not want her to die of shock do you? good luck with the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
MakeLemonade Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 She will not think it's nice, how could she. If you feel you should let her know, would it not be better not to give her so much information altogether. If she does not know about any of this it will come as a huge shock. She may need to recover a bit before heaving on the whole disgusting knowledge about her dreadful excuse of a husband. I think you should leave it that she can come back to you for more information when she is ready to take it in. You do not want her to die of shock do you? good luck with the rest of your life. I don't believe it is your intention to have continued contact with this woman correct? You want to send the letter, and pretty much be done right, continuing to move on and rebuild your own life and marriage - she isn't going to die of shock, she probably has some sort of inkling about this as many times as it seems to have been with this guy cheating. You will probably only be confirming for her and giving her some proof that her fears and worries (providing she has them) are valid. Also, I agree, you might want to consider taking out the part about the funeral - those personal time references might make her a little more upset than necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I don't believe it is your intention to have continued contact with this woman correct? You want to send the letter, and pretty much be done right, continuing to move on and rebuild your own life and marriage The only thing is, by sending the letter, she more than likely WILL react to it and want to talk to lost4ever about everything. She is going to have her world turned upside down, so I doubt very much lost will never hear from her again.. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 good for you lost4ever!!! Now repeat after me..."I will not date married men ever again"!! Say that 100 times...take a pill, then go to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 I will take the parts out since most of you think I should. I put them in solely for the fact of him not being able to wiggle out of anything I say and causing doubt. I thought those times I mentioned would "ding"....but I can see what you are saying about it being rude. As for talking to her, I don't want to but will, I really was trying to say everthing I need and be done with it, but I know that will not happen, so I will face it all....however, I don't want to get into the you say this but my husband says you made it all up thing....because I don't know how to deal with that, I wouldn;t be mad....I would just not know what to say I am not really worried about her having a stroke she is a strong, independent women with a great job and good education (he is unemployed right now) she is in charge Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I am trying to understand why people start threads like this... If you're going to tell the W, then tell her... Why start a thread telling everyone what you're going to do? It's obvious you don't want opinions... Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I am trying to understand why people start threads like this... If you're going to tell the W, then tell her... Why start a thread telling everyone what you're going to do? It's obvious you don't want opinions... why the rudeness? She wanted opinions and she even got advice on it. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) I am trying to understand why people start threads like this... If you're going to tell the W, then tell her... Why start a thread telling everyone what you're going to do? It's obvious you don't want opinions... GEL, these boards are for support as much as for opinions, as has been often stated. She did take advice on the letter itself. I know this is a touchy topic, and one that is often bitterly disagreed on, and people will have different things to say, but it's no more necessary to be rude about it here than it is on any other thread. Edited to add to topic - lost, I agree that it's kinder to take out those specifics. Do be prepared for her to contact you, but it sounds like you're willing to deal with the fallout. Good luck, and hopefully you'll both find some peace. Edited January 10, 2008 by serial muse Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Why start a thread telling everyone what you're going to do? It's obvious you don't want opinions... Where did it say she didn't want opinions or support? It's no different than an OW posing a question and getting people replying on their threads. Does it make it a big difference to you that she is a MW who cheated? Link to post Share on other sites
Frances Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I am not really worried about her having a stroke she is a strong, independent women with a great job and good education (he is unemployed right now) she is in charge Does she already know about the affairs? This makes a difference oh how much information she should be given all at once. Finding out your h is having affairs is a big deal no matter how strong you are. Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I think you should leave AS IS except for the funeral part. I agree that could cause more hurt than necessary, bring back the hurt of her mother passing, etc. She'll hurt enough by the other facts. You put enough info in there beyond the funeral that she'll know you're telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Where did it say she didn't want opinions or support? It's no different than an OW posing a question and getting people replying on their threads. Does it make it a big difference to you that she is a MW who cheated? The title kind of implied it, first of all...made up my mind... And it makes no difference to me whether she's a MP or not...I didn't see a question in the OP and that's the part I don't understand...I didn't mean to be rude... Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 The title kind of implied it, first of all...made up my mind... And it makes no difference to me whether she's a MP or not...I didn't see a question in the OP and that's the part I don't understand...I didn't mean to be rude... She says in her OP "let me know if this is OK or it needs to be changed." Link to post Share on other sites
MakeLemonade Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) I am not really worried about her having a stroke she is a strong, independent women with a great job and good education (he is unemployed right now) she is in charge Edited to add: somehow this picked up as a quote from Frances when this is actually a quote from the OP, obviously. I wasn't sure how to fix it without screwing up the whole post so I am just clarifying here. I think that something has gotten lost in translation, we weren't talking about strokes. It was originally that she would die "of shock". I want to see a stat on how many BWs died of shock or stroke or whatever when discovering their H's affairs vs. getting so pissed he ran out of the house for fear of HIS life. And as to whether the OP's MM has any knowledge of whether the wife has any clue, I would guess lost doesn't know or she wouldn't probably have asked about the content before sending the letter - but if you do lost - you can certainly lose all fear that she will die of shock or stroke or anything else. You are doing a good thing, really. She deserves to know, all BWs deserve to know. Cheating is ugly - and there is no excuse. I will end there before my assistant brings my soapbox....I kid......good luck, I hope it all works out for the best. Edited January 10, 2008 by MakeLemonade Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 I do not believe she knows, but I have know idea. I only know what he has ever told me, and since he didn't tell me much, and what he did tell me were lies, I really do not know. I was asking for advice on the letter, the title was stating that I made up my mind to tell, I need advice on how to tell, and you all have been helpful, thank you. The reason I decided to tell now is becuase he moves his family around a great deal for jobs, (doesn't have to, but for some reason he does) anyway, I know that she doesn't like it. She misses her family and wants to be around them, After he lost his job she begged him to move back home, she is supporting them right now with her job (she works from home, so she can live where ever she wants). I know she has no friends around where they live, and he is always gone, having the time of his life. One last question: Is it ok to send this by email, or should it be by mail...I don't want to do it by phone, If we do talk, I want her to be able to process the information before hand.... Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I do not believe she knows, but I have know idea. I only know what he has ever told me, and since he didn't tell me much, and what he did tell me were lies, I really do not know. I was asking for advice on the letter, the title was stating that I made up my mind to tell, I need advice on how to tell, and you all have been helpful, thank you. The reason I decided to tell now is becuase he moves his family around a great deal for jobs, (doesn't have to, but for some reason he does) anyway, I know that she doesn't like it. She misses her family and wants to be around them, After he lost his job she begged him to move back home, she is supporting them right now with her job (she works from home, so she can live where ever she wants). I know she has no friends around where they live, and he is always gone, having the time of his life. One last question: Is it ok to send this by email, or should it be by mail...I don't want to do it by phone, If we do talk, I want her to be able to process the information before hand.... Email or snail mail would be fine. But do be prepared when she calls you. Does she even suspect you at all? Do you two know each other? Good luck, you are doing the right thing. You are being very brave. Link to post Share on other sites
PLAYBRAT Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 There is a rule of thumb I always try to go by in these situations: For every action there is a reaction...it could go either way. She may laugh and wonder why a "stranger" is telling her this.. hence not believing a word of it.Or she may be devastated and her world torn apart. It all depends on the strength of her character how she reacts. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes and wonder how it would make ME feel. But we all have different ways of doing things.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 I don't think she has a clue about any affairs....As for me, she has heard my name a few times because I worked with him (past), so a few things have happened to where my name was mentioned 1.) W caught XMM viewing my Myspace page last year, she asked him why, he said, he was just searching people from our company 2.) They had a party once, and the other women from the company were talking about me (says XMM) Even if she did think something was up, everyone would have laughed...There is no way any one would believe him and I were ever together (even if XMM said it, no one would think it was true)....however if I give her a letter....then I just totally ruined it. I am trying very hard to put myself in her shoes, but I have no idea what she is like. I know if I am going to do it, now is the time Link to post Share on other sites
bozwa Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 One last question: Is it ok to send this by email, or should it be by mail...I don't want to do it by phone, If we do talk, I want her to be able to process the information before hand.... I would do it by email. If you send it by US mail, there is the chance it could get lost, he could get the mail before she does and he could pitch the letter and she'll never see it, it could ruined by weather, so on and so forth. Electronic mail is the way to go because, unless he has access to her email and is constantly checking it, she will most likely receive it and be able to read it and process it first before she reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
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