nashua Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Has anyone ever married their married man/woman before? I'm just wondering what a wedding is like, and since the relationship began as an affair, do people generally suport a married man marrying his OW? I think my MM and I will marry, but I just wonder who would go? His children are civil with me, but I doubt they'd want to go...and all of his married friends are judgemental about us. My family has no idea that our relationship started out as an affair. My friends are supportive, and I know they'll always be. It's weird, and I'm just not sure what to expect. Does anyone? Thanks:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Has anyone ever married their married man/woman before? I'm just wondering what a wedding is like, and since the relationship began as an affair, do people generally suport a married man marrying his OW? I think my MM and I will marry, but I just wonder who would go? His children are civil with me, but I doubt they'd want to go...and all of his married friends are judgemental about us. My family has no idea that our relationship started out as an affair. My friends are supportive, and I know they'll always be. It's weird, and I'm just not sure what to expect. Does anyone? Thanks:confused: Cairo it's still a long way before I'm in your position - divorce in MM's country takes forever - although we both realise we'll probably HAVE to get married because of visas and other legal issues. But several couples among our friends, colleagues and families have been in that position - and it was such a non-issue. Most chose to marry in court rather than in church simply because of not being religious, but some did the full white wedding thing and, well, same as any wedding: ghastly clothes, embarrassing presents and bored babies drowning out the blessing. I remember the question being asked of Old Europe on another thread whether she thought Europeans were more tolerant than Americans of affairs, and I'm picking up something of that in your question... a fear of lack of tolerance? I don't know where you live, and perhaps that does make a huge difference to how tolerant and accepting people are, but in my country few people even blink around the notion of an affair - it's only small pockets of rural poor that stand in judgment. Bottom line I guess is that people who love and value you should care about you as a person, not as a history. Link to post Share on other sites
Jordane Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 What is even more interesting is how long these marriages will actually last before they wander off with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 What is even more interesting is how long these marriages will actually last before they wander off with someone else? No different to other marriages, in my experience. My father's marriage to his OW has lasted more than 20 years, which is a lot longer than his marriage to my mother lasted. Among friends and colleagues, second marriages typically last longer than the first marriages that preceded them, people learning from their mistakes the first time around, though I know that flies in the face of statistics. (Perhaps I just socialise and work among people who ARE capable of learning?) Any marriage is susceptible to stresses, to "cheating" or to boredom. At least where there's been an A, the parties are wise to signs to look out for, and to take proactive steps to avoid things hitting the fan that other couples may not be aware of. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Yes, I agree with OW. Marriage, whether with an affair partner or not, is as susceptible to demise as any other marriage. I do not have first hand experience but this is my take on the situation. As for who comes to your wedding, the answer is easy. The people who love and support you. The rest shouldn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
lbj123 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I think its totally situational and hard to make a generalization on. My boss had an affair with a man at work. They were both married at the time and his wife ended up catching them and it was a huge, crazy ordeal with the wife coming in to the office, screaming, crying and making threats to my boss in front of the whole office. They both left their marriages and moved in together. They have now been married for almost 7 years, have a child together (in addition to each having two children from their previous marriages) and could not be happier. Her ex husband even admitted after the fact that, while the cheating was not right, that she and her now husband have a much stronger connection then they had ever had. Being a close observer of the situation, I think it taught my boss and her husband a lot about the importance of honesty and communication so as never to repeat their mistakes. They both went through a period of intense guilt and shame for their actions, and I know that, my boss at least, had learned and grown from the whole experience. On the flip side, my best friend's father cheated on her mother, married the OW, and then just months after the wedding was caught cheating with yet another woman. Horrible, disgusting and pathetic. He will always be a selfish jerk. I do not believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality. I think that it's true in many cases, but there are also people who are unhappily married, but who can't come to terms with it or are in denial, and while the actual deception is compleyely wrong, it is not necessarily a characteristic of who they are, but rather a bad way of handling a situation. Sometimes people don't make good choices, but they learn from those choices about how to correct their mistakes going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 my dad left my mum for his OW when I was about 7 - my mums best friend and his best friends wife! (though he has since re-wriite history and says he and my mum were already split). They then married when i was about 18 - I didnt go to the wedding. I was unable to as I was away but wouldnt have gone even if I could have. It wasnt to do with any opinion about him marrying her - I simply think my dads a jerk and dont really get on with him! For anyone who is curious - no they are not still together. He is a miserable messed up man and she is an alcoholic! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I do not believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality. I think that it's true in many cases, but there are also people who are unhappily married, but who can't come to terms with it or are in denial, and while the actual deception is compleyely wrong, it is not necessarily a characteristic of who they are, but rather a bad way of handling a situation. Sometimes people don't make good choices, but they learn from those choices about how to correct their mistakes going forward Yes, having had an affair does not peg you as a horrible person. It is just one of those things in life. Often, we are forced to lie and deceive and hurt people without this being our intention. Not everyone lies with malicious intent. Mostly, people lie out of fear and weakness and yes selfishness. These are human traits and as such they should be viewed. Even our justice system speaks of malice and forethought. I do not think most affairs start of with "malice and forethought." If more people would accept the hard truth that their marriage may well be over, then, perhaps the need to have meets met outside the marriage wouldn't be so overwhelmingly pressing. As people we are not infallible and so it only follows that neither are marriages. Ideally, of course, it would be better to end a marriage before starting another liason but people are often unsure about what they really want and let's face it, marriages and all that it implies, are never easy to end. Often, there is drama as emotions run high and wild and things get out of control with dire if not tagic consequences at times. People should review their views of marriage and realize that it takes two to want to be in a marriage. Society also applies a lot of pressure on people to uphold the institution of marriage. Whether you conform to these societal norms plays a big part in your decision to leave or stay in a stale, meaningless marriage. Some people are able to conform while others simple can't. In traditional societies, people stay married, however unhappy, out of fear of the social outcry that divorce gives rise to. Before women were "emacipated" to be divorced was a stigma. As was adultery in the past if not today as well, let's say, in more "puritanical,conventional" societies. Yes, divorce and affairs can be devastating as are a lot of thing in life but the sooner we come to terms with the nature of things, the better of we will be. All we can do is arm ourselves better in the face of misfortune and like one poster said learn from the experience. Before evryone rushes in to flame me, I was a BS and I know exactly what it feels like. That experience toughened me in a good way and made me more tolerant of human imperfections. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 As for who comes to your wedding, the answer is easy. The people who love and support you. The rest shouldn't matter. Ditto! My MIL had an affair with her married boss. that was over 30 years ago. They each divorced their spouses and married - over 30 years ago. Hubby doesn't like his mother - but for other reasons. He's crazy about his step-dad! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Has anyone ever married their married man/woman before? I'm just wondering what a wedding is like, and since the relationship began as an affair, do people generally suport a married man marrying his OW? I think my MM and I will marry, but I just wonder who would go? His children are civil with me, but I doubt they'd want to go...and all of his married friends are judgemental about us. My family has no idea that our relationship started out as an affair. My friends are supportive, and I know they'll always be. It's weird, and I'm just not sure what to expect. Does anyone? Thanks:confused: Just invite who you want to invite and move on with YOUR HAPPY DAY... People will accept it or not...My thoughts are that most people that you would think to invite would go...And the ones that wouldn't aren't friends to your R and you don't need their negative energy anyways... Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Dont worry about the tiny things....Just be happy on your day. Invite people that mean most to you and yours. FYI: Some of his friends have probably already distanced themselves. Usually when couples are going through problems and rumours start swirling around, loyal friends remain loyal and others distance themselves. He knows who his friends are, he knows which family members will be supportive: like wise you know your end. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyHappy Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 That's a very good question...one that I will be facing myself sometime this year. I suggest you invite those who love and support you. Period. Don't get caught up in the obligation of inviting certian people just because you think you should. You will be uncomfortable (if they show up), and they will be too. Why have people around you on such a special day who have the potential (and possibly the desire) to ruin it for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Has anyone ever married their married man/woman before? I'm just wondering what a wedding is like, and since the relationship began as an affair, do people generally suport a married man marrying his OW? I think my MM and I will marry, but I just wonder who would go? His children are civil with me, but I doubt they'd want to go...and all of his married friends are judgemental about us. My family has no idea that our relationship started out as an affair. My friends are supportive, and I know they'll always be. It's weird, and I'm just not sure what to expect. Does anyone? Thanks:confused: Well we didn't marry but lived common-law for 18 years.. I was the OW for 11 years prior to him moving in with me... so a total of 29 years. His family and friends all knew about our A long before we moved in together.. it was awkward at first in our families.. but it end up working just fine... His 3 daughters adopted me and loved a lot... To this day, I still have a good relationship with the girls... I talked to his youngest daughter today for over 1.5 hour... they love me to pieces... Sometimes a marriage resulting from an affair could be stronger because both have experience and know what they want and what they don't want. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 My father married his OW and I was the stinkin' flower girl along with my sister. I cried later on when my aunt, who is my father's sister, drove me and my sis back to our mom's house. I wasn't very happy. Whether friends and family approved or not, they were there for the wedding. I think her parents weren't aware--or in major denial still to this day--that their precious daughter was the OW. God forbid. However, my father's marriage only lasted about 10 years with her until she cheated on him with his best friend. Talk about revenge. She also cheated on her first husband with my father. My sister and I already have our money on her cheating on husband number 3. My mom's friend's husband is still married to his OW for more than 20 years now. It all depends on the person and is a case to case situation. Link to post Share on other sites
RCCDMA Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 My stepfather had a bunch of kick back from his family after he left his wife and married my mother. They all forgave him over time and eventually learned that my mother is a sweet and loving person. It took time and I was just a child but as they say time heals all wounds. They have a beautiful relationship with each other and with his family. People make mistakes and life goes on. If family and friends really care for you then they will understand eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 oh and I should add that his family kept contact with his wife... We eventually became closer to her and her new husband... we even went to their place for drinks a few times... so.. in the end... things get better... I guess she saw that the kids were in good hands... they even preferred to stay at my place rather than with their mom... Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Oh, also...under No circumstances did my father's family love, like, or approve of the witch marrying my father. They ALL knew she was the OW. They accepted the divorce, but did not like this woman. Mainly because she was not very nice to my sister and I. She then spent most of their marriage abusing my sister and I. The sad part is, her children--my younger siblings--think she's a Saint! Ha Ha, furthest thing From a saint! Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 for many, many years. When we got married, it was just the two of us, as marriage was a very personal thing for us. As far as every one living "happily ever after", it is all in the way that you handle things. My children were young adults when my wife and I married. They would not have presumed to judge me, they know that would not have been tolerated. Marriage can only work for the long term when you and your spouse are each others priorities. My children understood this and were welcomed into our lives, not the other way around. Things can work out, if handled properly. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 for many, many years. When we got married, it was just the two of us, as marriage was a very personal thing for us. As far as every one living "happily ever after", it is all in the way that you handle things. My children were young adults when my wife and I married. They would not have presumed to judge me, they know that would not have been tolerated. Marriage can only work for the long term when you and your spouse are each others priorities. My children understood this and were welcomed into our lives, not the other way around. Things can work out, if handled properly. Right on HAL! Good for you! And it's wonderful to know that a couple can make it through so many years and still be so in love! GEL Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Originally posted by HappyatLast> I've been married to my OW for many, many years. When we got married, it was just the two of us, as marriage was a very personal thing for us. As far as every one living "happily ever after", it is all in the way that you handle things. My children were young adults when my wife and I married. They would not have presumed to judge me, they know that would not have been tolerated. Marriage can only work for the long term when you and your spouse are each others priorities. My children understood this and were welcomed into our lives, not the other way around. Things can work out, if handled properly This was a great post HAL! I'm glad you were firm with your kids and did not tolerate them questioning your needs. I love my MM dearly and hate to admit this, but I think he fears how his adult children would judge him upon discovery. Due to this, I don't even think he allows himself to dream of a future with me even though I know he loves me. I think he would also be concerned with the original poster's question. Link to post Share on other sites
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