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Dinner with married colleague


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Hello everyone,

 

I'm not sure if I started this thread in the right category but here's my situation.

 

I'm a single guy in my late twenties. I broke up with my long time girlfriend a couple of months ago. I was heartbroken but since I always had reasonable success with the ladies, I thought I'd get back in the game as soon as possible.

 

I ended up going for lunch with a married coworker. We work for the same company but we don't actually work together. I asked her out for lunch since I think she's very attractive but had no intention of going anywhere further. I always thought lunch is harmless anyway.

 

A couple of weeks later, we talk about going for lunch again but end up going for drinks after work. At this point, I become a bit suspicious but drinks after work is still kosher in my book. At the end of our meeting, she proposes that next time we go out for dinner...

 

Now, I realize some women just enjoy the company of men but I start to wonder if she's being a bit too friendly... A couple of weeks later we end up going for dinner. The meal was very good and it was getting very late. I was ready to call it a night but we ended up drinking another bottle of wine and closed the restaurant. It was almost 3 am by the time we left.

 

When I ran into her the next morning, she mentions we should go out again... How should I view this situation? If she were single I wouldn't think twice but since she is married, I really wonder what she's looking for.

 

Thanks in advance for your input.

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Sounds like she is enjoying the attention from you. Does she flirt with you while you two are out? How are the conversations?

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bentnotbroken

Run if you don't wish to be involved with truama, drama, and deceit. IMHO:confused:

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whichwayisup

Definately don't do dinner, let alone drinks with her anymore. I would cut down on the lunches too...Maybe do coffee during a break?

 

IF you do dinner, ask her to bring her husband. See how she reacts to that. You'll know right then and there if she is interested in something more with you.

 

I have to ask, what is it that you want from her? Some fun, nothing serious or are you under the impression it's just no big deal?

 

Another thing, I wonder if she is telling her husband about this.

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Run if you don't wish to be involved with truama, drama, and deceit. IMHO:confused:

 

I must agree here with Bent....more drama than you can imagine!!!!!!:o

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whichwayisup
Now, I realize some women just enjoy the company of men but I start to wonder if she's being a bit too friendly... A couple of weeks later we end up going for dinner. The meal was very good and it was getting very late. I was ready to call it a night but we ended up drinking another bottle of wine and closed the restaurant. It was almost 3 am by the time we left.

 

Ask yourself this. If you were married and your wife came home past 3am and was out with a guy from work, how would you feel and react? Would you think this behaviour is appropriate for your wife to go out alone, with a single guy and drink till wee hours of the morning? Just think how HER husband would feel...Something tells me she didn't tell him the actual truth, more likely that tons of other co-workers were there.

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Sounds like she is enjoying the attention from you. Does she flirt with you while you two are out? How are the conversations?

 

Body language is positive but we don't flirt. At the restaurant we ended up sitting side by side so we could talk and she sat very close to me. Nothing inappropriate was done though.

 

We talked for about six hours so we covered a lot of territory...

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Body language is positive but we don't flirt. At the restaurant we ended up sitting side by side so we could talk and she sat very close to me. Nothing inappropriate was done though.

 

We talked for about six hours so we covered a lot of territory...

 

Sounds like she is giving you the green light to make some moves on her......

 

You should stop seeing her.

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I see from most of the answers that just friendship is impossible?

 

I'm a polite gentleman and not the type of guy to pull a sexual move on a married woman. Perhaps that's what made her feel comfortable?

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I have to ask, what is it that you want from her? Some fun, nothing serious or are you under the impression it's just no big deal?

 

It all happened too quickly for me to think. I think lunches are harmless and really did not expect her to propose evening activities.

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White Flower
Body language is positive but we don't flirt. At the restaurant we ended up sitting side by side so we could talk and she sat very close to me. Nothing inappropriate was done though.

 

We talked for about six hours so we covered a lot of territory...

You covered a lot of business territory or personal territory? Are you hoping to get physical with her?

 

She may just enjoy getting the work done outside of the office. *shrug*

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I see from most of the answers that just friendship is impossible?

 

I'm a polite gentleman and not the type of guy to pull a sexual move on a married woman. Perhaps that's what made her feel comfortable?

 

Theres always the possibility of her just wanting to be your friend, but the odds are definitely against that.

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Ask yourself this. If you were married and your wife came home past 3am and was out with a guy from work, how would you feel and react? Would you think this behaviour is appropriate for your wife to go out alone, with a single guy and drink till wee hours of the morning? Just think how HER husband would feel...Something tells me she didn't tell him the actual truth, more likely that tons of other co-workers were there.

 

I agree with you. I personally would not be happy with this but I know of some married friends who are a bit more liberal about this kind of stuff. They're not liberal to the point that they let their spouse sleep with another man but they're allowed to go out without being questioned too much.

 

She mentioned her husband a number of times and seemed reasonably happy. Perhaps that's why I felt comfortable. I didn't realize the situation was potentially dangerous until a friend of mine mentioned I was in dangerous territory.

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whichwayisup

A friendship is fine if neither of you are having sexual thoughts and feelings for eachother, it's completely platonic...The thing is, boundries should be made now. Like if you feel she is flirty with you, just remind her she's a married woman. See, I don't know what her intentions are...And you won't know until "it" happens. Then what?

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You covered a lot of business territory or personal territory? Are you hoping to get physical with her?

 

She may just enjoy getting the work done outside of the office. *shrug*

 

Of course we talked about work but the conversations were mostly personal. She is very attractive but I know better than to get physical with her...

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whichwayisup
It all happened too quickly for me to think. I think lunches are harmless and really did not expect her to propose evening activities.

 

Lunch is cool, it's casual. It's the drinking alone with her and staying out till 3am that's the problem. Seriously, ask her if she told her husband she was alone with you till 3am. My guess is she didn't tell him the whole truth as she knows it will upset him and maybe make him wonder, question what she is doing.

 

They're not liberal to the point that they let their spouse sleep with another man but they're allowed to go out without being questioned too much.

 

Till 3am?

 

Of course married couple are allowed to have buddy's of the opposite sex, it's just that usually the spouse is involved and atleast knows of the other person.

 

As long as the friendship stays on the straight and narrow, you'll have nothing to worry about.

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Theres always the possibility of her just wanting to be your friend, but the odds are definitely against that.

 

I guess most people write on this board hoping that friendly gestures might in fact be romantic gestures.

 

I'm in the opposite situation... I know it seems fishy but I wonder if there's any definite signs that would reassure me that we're in the friend zone...

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whichwayisup
the conversations were mostly personal. She is very attractive but I know better than to get physical with her...

 

How personal are we talking? Like details or just sharing about her life, her husband, kids if she has any? Or was it flirty and fun-like getting to know eachother?

 

Okay, you think she's attractive, you've said that afew times now. The thing is, what if she leaned over and kissed you. Throw afew drinks into the mix, you think she's sexy...Could you and would you stop, tell her no! You're married, we can't do this. Or would you allow the kiss. Just a question for you to think about as the setting isn't a good one for her to be in so late at night.

 

I know it seems fishy but I wonder if there's any definite signs that would reassure me that we're in the friend zone...

 

Then keep it to coffee and lunches. No dinners or late night drinks alone.

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Lunch is cool, it's casual. It's the drinking alone with her and staying out till 3am that's the problem. Seriously, ask her if she told her husband she was alone with you till 3am. My guess is she didn't tell him the whole truth as she knows it will upset him and maybe make him wonder, question what she is doing.

 

Till 3am?

 

Of course married couple are allowed to have buddy's of the opposite sex, it's just that usually the spouse is involved and atleast knows of the other person.

 

As long as the friendship stays on the straight and narrow, you'll have nothing to worry about.

 

I know that she texted him a number of times to let him know that she was going to be late. She also had to respond to him quickly so he doesn't think that she's "busy". I didn't go as far as asking her whether her husband knows we're out alone. That would've been similar to asking her whether she was cheating...

 

As for my friends, I know of at least two couples who go out separately, drink and dance until 3 and go back home. As far as I know they never cheated on their spouses but they go out solo all the time.

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whichwayisup

But I bet those same friends are the ones who tell their spouses their whereabout's and who they are with, right? Or do they hide stuff?

 

Anyway, you know yourself and if you feel you wouldn't ever let anything happen with this married woman, then be friends. Just don't be surprised that something could easily happen as the setting is just asking for trouble.

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How personal are we talking? Like details or just sharing about her life, her husband, kids if she has any? Or was it flirty and fun-like getting to know eachother?

 

I thought it was a good quality conversation, intimate but not sexual. The kind of conversation I'd share with a long time female friend.

 

Okay, you think she's attractive, you've said that afew times now. The thing is, what if she leaned over and kissed you.

 

Honestly I haven't even thought about this one. Although I enjoyed the conversation and the proximity, because she's married I never thought it could get physical. Maybe I'm naive...

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But I bet those same friends are the ones who tell their spouses their whereabout's and who they are with, right? Or do they hide stuff?

 

Anyway, you know yourself and if you feel you wouldn't ever let anything happen with this married woman, then be friends. Just don't be surprised that something could easily happen as the setting is just asking for trouble.

 

Right, they don't hide stuff from their spouses. They could go for dinner with a female friend and their spouses would be ok with it.

 

Thanks for your advice on this. Much appreciated.

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whichwayisup

Be upfront with her then. Seriously, just say to her, I hope your husband knows we've been hanging out. See what she says.

 

You're welcome.

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When you go out for lunch, drinks, dinner, who pays?

 

Would you be comfortable if her husband walk in on your event, conversation, interaction?

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When you go out for lunch, drinks, dinner, who pays?

 

Would you be comfortable if her husband walk in on your event, conversation, interaction?

 

We go dutch.

 

When we were drunk I thought she leaned a bit too close but other than that I'd be comfortable if her husband walked in on us or listened to us.

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