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Imstunned "revelation"


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I've just seen imstunned's revelation on her thread, and the responses that followed, but Tony's locked it so I can't post there and I wanted to put this out here rather than just pm... because I don't think the responses you got there, stun, are representative of what all of us are thinking, and maybe some others also want to add their voices.

 

Maybe I'll get flamed, or get infractions, or whatever - hey, won't be the first time - but I do want to say that I think the responses on that thread left me gobsmacked. I can totally understand why someone wouldn't want to put it all out there at once - not only because of the "troll" accusation but also because although we post behind pseudonyms, you're still taking a risk with what you say and how it can be received, and you also don't want to give TMI in case someone who knows you makes the connection.

 

I thought it was very brave of stun to reveal that puzzle piece at all, given the low level of tolerance of difference some posters express, and can certainly understand not having done so earlier. Besides, it wasn't relevant earlier, and wasn't seen to be relevant until stun made the connection when she saw the families.

 

And then... suddenly everyone else feels betrayed???? WTF people - do you ever go to movies? Do you get upset because the director allows the characters to develop and the plot to unwind onscreen over the 90 minutes rather than presenting it all at the beginning so that all that's left to watch is the credits?

 

I for one don't believe stun deliberately and deceptively held back key information. I think she told us what she herself thought was relevant at the time, as we all do when we post. Of course, the fact that people are posting here shows that they - we - are welcoming insight and input from others, and admitting that we don't have the full picture ourselves. So to turn around and accuse someone of not knowing what the important stuff was to have shared is a bit contradictory. Besides, if others "knew" that that was a key issue, why did no one bring it up themselves in their input? I can't recall anyone probing in that way into stun's relationship history, though I might have missed it, but certainly that never became a strong feature of discussion.

 

Stun - I hope you're OK. I hope you didn't take that flaming to heart and I certainly hope you don't think we all think like that.

 

(hugs) And thanks for sharing your revelation with us - I hope it helps you to move forward and that the responses here don't set you back again.

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What I think is sad is that only 2 posters brought down that thread. The OP referring to "making you all so angry" was reaction to just 2 posters.

 

Also, you infact OWoman also stated, "And then... suddenly everyone else feels betrayed????"

 

In a time frame of 45 minutes, 2 posters responded & shut down a thread. Sad indeed that no one else got to show their support to the OP. I hope the mods keep this up OWoman so others can share their side.

 

If not, I'll take my 2nd infraction along with OWoman too please.

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What I think is sad is that only 2 posters brought down that thread. The OP referring to "making you all so angry" was reaction to just 2 posters.

 

Also, you infact OWoman also stated, "And then... suddenly everyone else feels betrayed????"

 

In a time frame of 45 minutes, 2 posters responded & shut down a thread. Sad indeed that no one else got to show their support to the OP. I hope the mods keep this up OWoman so others can share their side.

 

If not, I'll take my 2nd infraction along with OWoman too please.

 

Thanks Ms. Red for pointing that out - yes, it seems it was only two posters...

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Just wanted to say that I too thought that the responses to iamstunned's post were way out of line...

 

What details everyone shares here is their personal decision, and no one has any 'right' to know anything, or everything, or to feel betrayed if they find out they didn't.

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Citizen Erased

This thread will probably be deleted, but I went back and read that thread, well what was left of it, and wow some people do get way out of line on here! I just hope imstunned isn't frightened away from here, it would be a shame if she was.

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OK. I was one of those posters. I might have come across as being too harsh but that wasn't my intention at all. As stated in my last post to her, I have a very liberal view on homosexuality.

 

Like I told Stun, the only reason I thought it might have been important is that it might have given us (her friends) more insight as to why she was having such a difficult time accepting the fact that her ex mm behaviour was out of the norm and very disturbing.

 

Suddenly, after reading her revelation, it started to make some sense to me. I assured her that we cared and she had nothing to be afraid of.

 

Stun, if you are reading this, I owe you an apology for reacting impulsively without thinking first. I hope you accept my apology and start posting again.

 

Marlena

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I just spent an hour or so typing a reply but took too long and lost it.

 

First off thanks for the pm's and this post OW. Its nice to have some support. I asked for the origonal thread to be deleted not becasue of the number of responses but because of how upsetting I found the two I had recieved. I was told that one wouldnt have responded to me at all as she couldnt relate, and the other, someone I very much respect said I was like my ex. Deceptive and a liar and that that is normal to me.

 

I will keep this breif. I will not be scared off this fourm. The longer I stay here the more I learn and the more I feel I have to give.

 

I am not a liar, or a deceptive person. I am not like my ex. I did not deliberately withold any information that I thought was relevant. I was not in any other relationship when I came to LS. My LTR had ended a considerable time ago. It is MY RIGHT to share with you information about myself on a public forum at a time WHEN I FEEL COMFORTABLE with it and WHEN I FEEL ITS RELEVANT. So - yesterday I felt it was relevant and I told you.

 

Naturally after being up all night upset I'm not so sure that it is. Fact is I fell in love with a man I didnt know was married. My past relationships do nothing to alter that fact. I'm the very same person that posted here months ago who was devestated. Nothing about me has changed. All that has changed is your knowledge about me, and possible your perception of me. If that would have altered anyones advice or stopped them posting to me all together then I would be wondering why that is.

 

I AM JUST LIKE ANY OTHER GIRL. I fell in love with a man and got very hurt. Nothing about my past alters that fact.

 

We all have pasts. We all have history. Its up to me when I share with you, if I do, my own.

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OK. I was one of those posters. I might have come across as being too harsh but that wasn't my intention at all. As stated in my last post to her, I have a very liberal view on homosexuality.

 

Like I told Stun, the only reason I thought it might have been important is that it might have given us (her friends) more insight as to why she was having such a difficult time accepting the fact that her ex mm behaviour was out of the norm and very disturbing.

 

Suddenly, after reading her revelation, it started to make some sense to me. I assured her that we cared and she had nothing to be afraid of.

 

Stun, if you are reading this, I owe you an apology for reacting impulsively without thinking first. I hope you accept my apology and start posting again.

 

Marlena

 

Marlena, I am glad you had the decency to apologise. Whether imstunned's past was relevant to her thread or not is beside the point. She wasn't being deceptive. She doesn't owe us anything anyway! How she can be compared to her MM is beyond me. Surely those who opposed can see that imstunned not revealing she had a R with someone of the same sex to a bunch of relative strangers is totally different to her MM (a) omitting to tell her he was married with kids and (b) fabricating a complete life for himself! I'm sorry but, Marlena, yours and Open Book's reactions were total 'over-reactions' and way out of line. At least you can see that now.

 

Imstunned, please don't be afraid to post again. There are many of us here who are happy to give advice in a non-judgemental way. You don't owe any of us an explanation!

 

((((((((hugs)))))))))))

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I'll avoid "commenting about the comments", but I wanted to add an additional note in support of Imstunned... I posted to her early on and have been following along since then, and I agree with OWoman: I don't feel the least bit deceived. As a matter of fact, once stun had her revelation and discovered for herself a possible connection between her current situation and her past experience, she came on and (somewhat bravely) posted it.

 

I stand by everything I have posted to stun. This new piece of the puzzle may well inform future thoughts and comments, but does nothing to change anything I have said to date.

 

Loss, grief, and recovery is not a process where you have (or even know) all the ingredients at the beginning, and throw everything into a mixer and then stir for long enough to come out with a result of "healing." It is a journey with steps forward, stumbling backward, and staggering sideways, and it is a process of gradually unfolding and finding connections previously unrecognized.

 

I'll end by touching on another very important point that Tony repeated in his post locking the other thread: LS is not a substitute for professional help, and in some cases (like this one) it can seriously go off the rails. The advice and support may be good sometimes, but there is no assurance of that at any given moment. We're just a bunch of schlubs sitting around talking.

 

Stun - like others, I encourage you to get some professional help, someone who can hear and draw out these revelations, assist in putting them in context, help you discover and unfold your life and make connections, and start you on the road to healing yourself. It's not about you "needing therapy" (that has such an ominous sound to it, doesn't it?) However, if you look at healing (as I do) to be a task in which you have to do the bulk of the work yourself, you may still find counseling to be a very useful tool to help you in that task (as I have.) I've been seeing a counselor for a couple years and it has been very helpful to me; if you have any questions, feel free to PM...

Edited by Trimmer
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Firstly, good on you ImStunned for not letting this put you off!

 

Secondly, I am with Trimmer on everything. ImStunned, I was totally against going on any medication for my post-MM depression. I tried counselling for a while but didn't feel I got much in the way of positive feedback. I was in such a bad way I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and at the time I had a full-time job as well as my son to look after. I was so desperate that I went back to my GP and asked for anti-ds (he had previously recommended them). The way I look at it, many people take drugs every day of their lives for various things - diabetes, epilepsy, heart disease, etc - depression is still an illness and I say, whatever gets you through! After a few weeks of being on them I felt more than 50 per cent better, maybe I would go so far as to say 90 per cent, in as much that I was no longer crying and could actually see a way out. As for the therapy, I still felt it was needed and so looked for a different therapist who practices along similar lines as a cognitive behaviour therapist. I have now found myself a brilliant guy who has been so much more helpful. I had other issues in the past which may have lead to me getting into a R with a MM in the first place (I knew mine was married) and the sessions are slowly helping me come to terms with things.

 

ImStunned, try whatever you can to get you through this. Different strokes for different folks and all that! :)

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Stun, I am so glad to see you posting again. Once again, I am truly sorry. Of course, it is your privilege to disclose or not disclose parts of your life as we all do of course. I was only trying to see how your past realtionship might have impacted your current situation. I am guilty of practising Psychology 101 when what I should have done is offered you more support and understanding than ever.

 

I have liked you from your very first post and that is why I took such an interest in your problem. This hasn't changed. In fact, my admiration for you has stregthened.

 

Your revelation has helped me understand why you fell so much head over heels in love with this man and why it has devastated you. In many ways, he was your first "love" since you were not iinvolved with a man for years. I can only hope that you start to heal as soon as possible after this recent trauma in your life.

 

Marlena

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Hello Imstunned. Just wanted to add my voice to those saying I'm glad you're still posting!

 

... I agree with OWoman: I don't feel the least bit deceived. As a matter of fact, once stun had her revelation and discovered for herself a possible connection between her current situation and her past experience, she came on and (somewhat bravely) posted it.

 

I stand by everything I have posted to stun. This new piece of the puzzle may well inform future thoughts and comments, but does nothing to change anything I have said to date.

 

That's exactly how I saw it when I read Imstunned's "revelation". It was a revelation Imstunned had outside the theatre about how this relationship had affected her, not a 'revelation' (to us on LS) about her sexuality or past relationship. There's no onus on posters here to write in detail about every little aspect of their lives, and if Imstunned failed to see the relevance until a few days ago, then why would she have felt the need to write about it anyway?

 

So, back to the point. In my last few posts to you Imstunned, I've asked you to question yourself about why it's so important to you to focus on MM and his W and children at home having this lovely Christmas, because in there somewhere seemed to me to be the key: You locked out of this family life. And it is no surprise to me that you were facing issues like that before in your life, as it came across whenever you painted a picture of how you envisioned him.

 

Now, this is the point: the reality of his life is almost certainly nothing like that. The real issue is that you envision it that way in order to serve a purpose, and the purpose is to prove/show to yourself that you are not worthy of having that life (he rejected you), you will always be the face pressed against the window, that real happiness of a family will always elude you. The question is, why would you believe that? (and that is the question that would probably be addressed in therapy if you ever went. And don't be scared of therapy, I've had some good results myself :laugh: )

 

In fact, reading what you've put about other relationships you've had, and even how you describe your mindset when you first met MM, you were always going for something which would not in all likelihood lead to the perfect family life you envisage. A relationship with a woman? A relationship with a man who was (as you describe him) emotionally immature and stated he did not want a family (even though he actually had one), and most recently just sex with someone you know isn't interested in more. So there's a pattern there, wouldn't you say?

 

Also, I'm sorry to say this but I'm not really surprised that your Mum was the way she was with you, not very sympathetic, and not wanting you to express your true feelings but put on a happy face 'because it's Christmas'. I've been in a women's therapy group fairly recently, and one thing we all had in common? People around us not wanting to hear our real feelings, because THEY couldn't cope with them. Just something else to think about.

 

Anyway, once again, I'm glad you're still posting :)

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I'm glad this thread was started because reading that your other thread was closed and some people flamed you for not sharing every detail about your personal life, well, it stunned me! Those who attacked you like that should be ashamed! Those who reacted rudely should examine their own personal lives and ask themselves why it matters so much, why the big drama over choosing now to share abit more about you and your life.

 

This is YOUR private life and not everyone shares all details, nor should it be expected of a poster. GEL always tells people never to reveal too much about yourself...Now I can see why.

 

Good for you that you've come back and sorry that you had an upsetting night over this.

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Hey,

 

I am not a liar, or a deceptive person. I am not like my ex. I did not deliberately withold any information that I thought was relevant.

 

Don't worry about it. I know you were very authentic.

 

People freak out all the time, what can you do.

 

Glad you are back. And I can see now why you liked that guy so much (an extra much).

 

Ariadne

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Naturally after being up all night upset I'm not so sure that it is. Fact is I fell in love with a man I didnt know was married. My past relationships do nothing to alter that fact.

 

Don't second guess yourself - you had a revelation outside that theater that resonated within you, so it's worth following that line of thinking to see if it helps you understand yourself better.

 

I totally agree with what Frannie said:

 

In fact, reading what you've put about other relationships you've had, and even how you describe your mindset when you first met MM, you were always going for something which would not in all likelihood lead to the perfect family life you envisage. A relationship with a woman? A relationship with a man who was (as you describe him) emotionally immature and stated he did not want a family (even though he actually had one), and most recently just sex with someone you know isn't interested in more. So there's a pattern there, wouldn't you say?

 

I started a thread here recently about whether I'm actually afraid of 'real' relationships because I tend to fall for unavailable men - geographically unavailable, age inappropriate, emotionally unavailable, etc. There's a pattern and I think it's important for me to recognize it, understand it, and then actively BREAK that pattern when I see it coming. So, from that perspective alone, I would urge you to give this more thought.

 

Also, yes, I do believe that the first guy you fell for after your last relationship will very likely have a huge impact on you. It's the first time you opened up to a man since - and to your desire for the family vision - and you got badly burned. That will have deeper impact then if he was just one more guy who turned out not to be the dream guy you thought he was.

 

Finally, I also agree very much with Trimmer:

 

Stun - like others, I encourage you to get some professional help, someone who can hear and draw out these revelations, assist in putting them in context, help you discover and unfold your life and make connections, and start you on the road to healing yourself. It's not about you "needing therapy" (that has such an ominous sound to it, doesn't it?) However, if you look at healing (as I do) to be a task in which you have to do the bulk of the work yourself, you may still find counseling to be a very useful tool to help you in that task (as I have.)

 

A good therapist can help you sort through your issues and resolve them so you can move forward without them holding you back, and so you can release some of the pain you're still carrying. I know you are afraid of doing that because you aren't sure you're ready to face some of those painful parts of your life, but sometimes we do have to do the painful work to finally find some peace within ourselves.

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child_of_isis

I don't see how her having a R with a woman means that she needs counseling due to family oriented issues.

 

Women R's can have families.

 

I don't see the correlation of her previous R in conjunction with the MM sitch.

 

She didn't choose a man that was married.

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She needs counselling because she needs help getting over the betrayal that the exMM pulled on her. For many months he lied to her, making it seem like he wasn't married, allowed the relationship to grow, to have expections, to share love. She trusted him fully, and all that was taken away, the dream crushed by this sick man! He not only lied to her, but told her digusting made up lies allowing her to believe at times he was dead.

 

Being taken in and made a fool of by a socipathic person is why she needs therapy. NONE of this is her fault. Therapy will help her trust again and not let this bad experience ruin her life.

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Hi,

 

I tend to fall for unavailable men - geographically unavailable, age inappropriate, emotionally unavailable, etc. There's a pattern and I think it's important for me to recognize it, understand it, and then actively BREAK that pattern

 

I really don't buy that crap. That's the typical therapist bs.

 

You like what you like. You see a guy that attracts you because you see the man, you think he's awesome, he intrigues you.

 

The problem is with what's "available." For the most part.

 

Most of the guys that are available are dull, boring, insecure, dumb, impotent, bad tempered, wimps, cheaters, and what not.

 

Yes, go find a guy that you'd be attracted to: "awesome, good looking, smart..." and whatever else, that is "single and available" (especially at our age, maybe younger in their 20's you'd have a better chance).

 

Yeah... good luck.

 

Ariadne

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maybe younger in their 20's you'd have a better chance

 

Not likely!

 

I agree though with everyone else. It took great courage for you to talk about it. You don't have to give anyone all the details of your life!

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Hello all. Thanks again for the words of support from those of you who have shared them with me. Marlena thank you for apologising. Its accepted. Lets say no more on it than that.

 

I have been reading your responses regarding my revelation - and they have given me some things to think about. I would like to say thanks to you all for your input, as well as for being open minded and non judgemental. I guess really its a bit of a no brianer that its all affected me so much. First guy in such a long time and he truns out to be a married weirdo - who I'm STILL PINING FOR!! No to mention the fact he has kids, pretended he was dead etc ect you know the rest. .

 

However I'm working through it all. I'm learning alot. I remember a post here a while ago about what people have learnt about themselves from their affairs or whatever - I couldnt see what I had learned apart from not to trust love or give. I can see now that I have learned SO much about myself. I will love and trust and give again in the future but just perhaps a bit more carefully (though I analysed my relationship with my ex every step of the way!) I will also hope that I wil be delt a better deal. I will not allow myself to become bitter and angry (this is a struggle).

 

I dont know what the deal is with threads around here being deleted etc- but I'm happy for this to stay up for your input on my situation. For a kick off its new years ever tomorrow night - where I am its a HUGE deal. I am off to a party. But I am wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking of me too. My fingers are twitichng and I am thinking what a perfect excuse happy new year is to contact him! I could pretend its to everyone on my phone. Throw into the mix the booze and high spirits - well, I'm glad I felt I could come back to LS.

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I dont know what the deal is with threads around here being deleted etc- but I'm happy for this to stay up for your input on my situation.

 

The thread that this thread refers to, the one where you were being pelted with meanness and judgments, was closed, not deleted. You can view it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t139279/?highlight=imstunned Great care is taken to determine which threads are closed and which are deleted. Threads and posts are only deleted when they are completely inappropriate and contain massive violations of guidelines.

 

Otherwise, I don't know what you're referring to when you say "what the deal is with threads around here being deleted etc -" because that is extremely rare.

 

I share the sentiments of others in this thread in expressing my pleasure that you have not left us because of the way you were treated in that other thread.

Edited by Tony
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child_of_isis

I think this is the crux of getting over an R. Look at yourself instead of the other person.

 

What is this person telling you about yourself?

 

What did this person reflect back to you. We always attract people who can tell us or teach us something about ourselves.

 

It always, and I mean always, takes 2 to tango, be it conscious or subconsciously.

 

I started losing a lot of pain when I begin to understand that I had to look inward instead of outward.

 

You've come a long way baby! ;-)

 

However I'm working through it all. I'm learning alot. I remember a post here a while ago about what people have learnt about themselves from their affairs or whatever - I couldnt see what I had learned apart from not to trust love or give. I can see now that I have learned SO much about myself. I will love and trust and give again in the future but just perhaps a bit more carefully (though I analysed my relationship with my ex every step of the way!) I will also hope that I wil be delt a better deal. I will not allow myself to become bitter and angry (this is a struggle).

 

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Marlena thank you for apologising. Its accepted. Lets say no more on it than that.

 

 

:) To you dear Stun, a very special wish for a Happy New Year!

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