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Someone made this comment in another thread and I was wondering about it. "if the W knows who the affair partner is it might change her stance". How would W change her stance if she knew who the affair partner was? I am just trying to understand that statement.

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LucreziaBorgia

Competition, mainly. Not wanting another woman to have what was yours. Another way to look at it is that knowing about the OW and who she is allows for her to be scapegoated for everything that went wrong in the marriage. You can't fight a nameless, faceless reason for divorce but you can certainly fight an OW so to speak.

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Competition, mainly. Not wanting another woman to have what was yours. Another way to look at it is that knowing about the OW and who she is allows for her to be scapegoated for everything that went wrong in the marriage. You can't fight a nameless, faceless reason for divorce but you can certainly fight an OW so to speak.

 

 

Are you saying that if W knows how OW looks that will give her an indication as to how she should proceed in terms of the marriage? Or W will be able to blame OW for a marriage gone bad just because of the way she looks?

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GreenEyedLady
Are you saying that if W knows how OW looks that will give her an indication as to how she should proceed in terms of the marriage? Or W will be able to blame OW for a marriage gone bad just because of the way she looks?

 

Well, if the W knows who the OW is, then she can tailor her tactics to the particular woman...Although from everything you've said previously, they don't have much of a M and I don't think her knowing who you are would make such a difference, especially if other people already know...

 

It usually makes a difference is the OW is also married or you're in a small community where the W can try and make your life hell...

 

The W can also say he left because you're younger, prettier, career oriented etc...I wouldn't worry, who cares anyway...You can't control what other people think or say...But you can control what you think, say and do...

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Maybe she is preparing for divorce and would like to list your name as the affair partner on public record.

 

It happens...alot, and the affair partner does NOT need to be notified to be put on public record as an affair partner.

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child_of_isis

If she knows who you are then she can find you.

 

Once they have a name, then they can get an address. They can check to see if/when H is there.

 

Then they look into if it is work related. This is where people lose jobs.

 

They can find out if you are married. If so, they bust you out to hubby.

 

Sometimes it is all about documentation for divorce court.....sometimes it is all about outing the A....sometimes both.

 

Someone made this comment in another thread and I was wondering about it. "if the W knows who the affair partner is it might change her stance". How would W change her stance if she knew who the affair partner was? I am just trying to understand that statement.
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Someone made this comment in another thread and I was wondering about it. "if the W knows who the affair partner is it might change her stance". How would W change her stance if she knew who the affair partner was? I am just trying to understand that statement.

 

It reminds me of that scene in the Jim Morrison biopic where his W confronts him and the OW and says to him, "you stick your dick in THIS?!?" And he shuffles and mumbles, and says, "well, yeah"...

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If she knows who you are then she can find you.

 

Once they have a name, then they can get an address. They can check to see if/when H is there.

 

Then they look into if it is work related. This is where people lose jobs.

 

They can find out if you are married. If so, they bust you out to hubby.

 

Sometimes it is all about documentation for divorce court.....sometimes it is all about outing the A....sometimes both.

 

 

Too much work. I am not that hard to find. All she has to do is check his cell phone or cell phone records. All this would un-necessary considering he has told her that he is seeing someone.

Edited by nextel
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Its one thing to have a nebulous "other person" floating out there somewhere.

 

They're not a "person" to you. Some people can say "it doesn't matter as long as he always comes home to me". And they're ok with it...often until that "other person" suddenly has a face and a name...and a history with the betrayed spouse sometimes too.

 

It often changes how the BS responds and acts when they know WHO the other person is.

 

Why do you think the first question that the vast majority of BS's ask when they find out that they've been cheated on is "who is it"?

 

Knowing the person makes it MUCH more real to them. And if that person is a friend, or someone they know...it makes it even MORE real to them, and much more 'personal'. Then its not just the "other person" out there, but the betrayal of a friendship/aquaintence/etc...

 

I was the person who raised this as a question on your thread.

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Its one thing to have a nebulous "other person" floating out there somewhere.

 

They're not a "person" to you. Some people can say "it doesn't matter as long as he always comes home to me". And they're ok with it...often until that "other person" suddenly has a face and a name...and a history with the betrayed spouse sometimes too.

 

It often changes how the BS responds and acts when they know WHO the other person is.

 

Why do you think the first question that the vast majority of BS's ask when they find out that they've been cheated on is "who is it"?

 

Knowing the person makes it MUCH more real to them. And if that person is a friend, or someone they know...it makes it even MORE real to them, and much more 'personal'. Then its not just the "other person" out there, but the betrayal of a friendship/aquaintence/etc...

 

I was the person who raised this as a question on your thread.

 

 

I did not understand the line of questioning because I am not a friend/aquaintance/relative or anything of that nature. We have never met or talked.

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Fair enough.

 

However...again it does make a difference when there's a name and a face to it.

 

Its like being a soldier going into a firefight the first time. Up to that point, you've trained to kill "the enemy". It never crosses your mind REALLY that they're a person.

 

Until you're suddenly in the mix, and you're sighting on someone.

 

And you realize its a person. With a life and a history and maybe a family. And he's sighting on you and coming to that same realization.

 

Its easy to handle things when we 'dehumanize' people.

 

But if she had a face and a name...you wouldn't just be "that person my husband's cheating with". You'd become REAL in her eyes. I don't think you're "real" to her yet.

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Someone made this comment in another thread and I was wondering about it. "if the W knows who the affair partner is it might change her stance". How would W change her stance if she knew who the affair partner was? I am just trying to understand that statement.

 

If I was the W I would want to know if the A partner is my best friend..;)

then it could change how I see my friend and my H. or if the OW is a member of the family.. (that also happens sometimes)...

 

Or if the OW is a work colleague, then again, I would know that he sees her every day... it could change a lot... knowing that he either has to change job.. (which could mean moving).

 

If the OW is 20 yrs younger than the W... that could tell a lot about the H, if he changed his habits... etc...

 

I guess curiosity is also a big thing when the W knows that there is an OW in the picture.

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But if she had a face and a name...you wouldn't just be "that person my husband's cheating with". You'd become REAL in her eyes. I don't think you're "real" to her yet.

 

Maybe the W clings to some hope that it's all just bollocks, some line she's being fed, until the reality of a flesh and blood real person forces her to accept that it's for real? Dunno - when my MM told his wife (in response to a "how can you be so sure we'll never get back together, even if we go for counselling?" question) that "there was someone else he wanted to spend his life with", she discounted that as a real possibility. Maybe if he'd shown her a photo, or given her a name, she might have accepted it?

 

Sorry to put words in your mouth, Owl, I'm trying to understand your intention too?

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No worries, Owoman.

 

Actually, from a strictly OP point of view, its probably much better that the BS doesn't know who you are, and doesn't have a face or name to put on you.

 

And I'm not talking from a 'retaliation' viewpoint, though that is a risk too.

 

And you're right...she might have accepted that there really was an affair going on if she'd have had a face or a name. But, then knowing that...she very well might have fought harder.

 

Remember this...its normally VERY VERY HARD for the BS to believe that their spouse is cheating on them. I know the OP here scoff at that, but its true. Its really hard to believe that this person you've spent your life with is now betraying that trust. The dying cry of many a marriage has been "I never would have thought that he/she could have done that to me".

 

Its not denial. (OK, some cases maybe) Its just that its that this person has typically built up YEARS of trust and love...and its difficult to believe that they'd betray that for someone else. Trust me...I'm a smart guy...and not known as a particularly gullible or even trusting one, and it took me nearly two months of "doubt" before I finally made the choice to get the proof. Up to then, I was telling myself "there's no way she'd cheat on you".

 

Even when the WS says that they're cheating, its hard for most BS's to accept at face value.

 

Put a name, a face...a specific PERSON to it, and it makes it REAL.

 

That really was the point I was trying to make.

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When you say it that way, Owl, you may be right. Former MM's W came across my number in May, and called me. Got my voicemail, heard my voice, left messages. I felt like, "She's got to know, right?" (Truthfully, I thought she knew beforehand, as he told me they both led separate lives, and he was only staying for financial reasons...but I digress.) Well, time passed, and I kept feeling like I wanted to talk to her, to see how much she really did know. I just had this nagging feeling. When I finally talked to her that's what did it. She suspected, but when she heard my voice, and I told her the story, told her my name, described myself, told her things that only someone intimately involved with him would know...that's when it hit her. He actually did it. And of course, he was telling me and her 2 completely different stories. Surprise!

 

But then again, this only goes for when the MM or MW doesn't tell the truth. I'm not sure what happens when they do admit to it.

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GreenEyedLady

You know my experience was so different...

 

I knew my XH was cheating...There was no other explanation for it...The signs are there...It's just admitting it to yourself...

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TogetherForever

The wife in my situation has seen me everytime we drop their daughter off & just looks at me & turns her head. She knows our home #, where we live, what car I drive, where I work etc...

But does nothing.

So I don't think her knowing me has any bearing on anything.

TF

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I agree with you, GEL.

 

The signs were there in my case too.

 

It was just extremely difficult for me to grasp and BELIEVE that she would cheat on me. After 17 years of marriage...

 

In your situation...how long were you married before he cheated on you? How "close" were the two of you during that time? Had you ever been cheated on before?

 

In my case, we'd been married for 17 years. We were closer than any number of couples...and had had a wonderful marriage for YEARS. It was that last year leading up to her affair when things went to horrible.

 

She'd been cheated on before...she knew how horrible it made her feel.

 

All of that gave me a lot of reasons to believe that she wouldn't cheat.

 

And let me be a little cocky here...I'm a damn good husband/father/whatever. It was hard to imagine her wanting more than what I was giving.

 

The signs were there. The bottom line was that it was really hard for me to accept that she WAS cheating. And that's a pretty common theme for a LOT of BS's. I've been posting on a couple of forums for three years now, and you see it over and over.

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GreenEyedLady
I agree with you, GEL.

 

The signs were there in my case too.

 

It was just extremely difficult for me to grasp and BELIEVE that she would cheat on me. After 17 years of marriage...

 

In your situation...how long were you married before he cheated on you? How "close" were the two of you during that time? Had you ever been cheated on before?

 

In my case, we'd been married for 17 years. We were closer than any number of couples...and had had a wonderful marriage for YEARS. It was that last year leading up to her affair when things went to horrible.

 

She'd been cheated on before...she knew how horrible it made her feel.

 

All of that gave me a lot of reasons to believe that she wouldn't cheat.

 

And let me be a little cocky here...I'm a damn good husband/father/whatever. It was hard to imagine her wanting more than what I was giving.

 

The signs were there. The bottom line was that it was really hard for me to accept that she WAS cheating. And that's a pretty common theme for a LOT of BS's. I've been posting on a couple of forums for three years now, and you see it over and over.

 

My story is slightly different...Ok, alot...You'll see...:laugh:

 

I met him right out of high school...We were together 3 and half years and got married...We were inseperable...The best of friends...Until I got pregnant 6 months later...Then the drop-off...I didn't leave until we had been married almost 6 years (together for 10)...I actually could've understood if it was a woman, but it was his best friend (male)...But the signs were so obvious, you just wouldn't think it because that's the best cover-up...

 

I tried to catch him...I'd go to his work and everything but I'd only find my XH with him...And there were so many other things I just got the h*** out!

 

We're pretty friendly now and civil...He's still with the OM and they're happy from what I can see...And he's good to my children and they just consider him Uncle OM...

 

And so are the Days of Our Lives...Damn, I am so ready for no drama...:o

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Well...given that he was either homesexual or bisexual...that does change some of the dynamics.

 

Your situation WAS a lot different than many.

 

It made the "catching him" a lot harder. I'm assuming you never suspected him of being attracted to men prior to that?

 

And I'll add...I've no doubt that if I were seeing other guys, my wife would leave me so fast there'd be a hole in the air where she was standing! The reaction would probably be much different than if it were another woman. I think she might have felt she could have competed with another woman, but wouldn't know how to compete if it were a man.

 

Am I making any sense? :D

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GreenEyedLady
Well...given that he was either homesexual or bisexual...that does change some of the dynamics.

 

Your situation WAS a lot different than many.

 

It made the "catching him" a lot harder. I'm assuming you never suspected him of being attracted to men prior to that?

 

And I'll add...I've no doubt that if I were seeing other guys, my wife would leave me so fast there'd be a hole in the air where she was standing! The reaction would probably be much different than if it were another woman. I think she might have felt she could have competed with another woman, but wouldn't know how to compete if it were a man.

 

Am I making any sense? :D

 

He is homosexual, I'm very sure of that...:cool:

 

You know I was his first, so I don't think he really knew and accepted it and instead wanted the whole cover-up...So no, I had no idea...

 

And really, it wasn't so much a matter of him being attracted to another person, it was that I watched him fall in love with him...

 

You make total sense...It's a pretty messed up thing to go through...I kept trying to catch him and I would only ever find the two of them...Then I was like, "I'm outta here!":o

 

Life is too short to deal with that crap!

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After reading your posts OWL, I now understand your earlier posts to my thread. I think that if I were married that long, I too would have questioned the validity of being in an EA. MM has only been married a little less than 2 years.

 

GEL, your story is completely different from most of us. Never could I have imagined it. You are a brave soul.

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GreenEyedLady
GEL, your story is completely different from most of us. Never could I have imagined it. You are a brave soul.

 

I am just a trooper...Pile it on and I'll get through it, somehow...:D

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