I am/was the OM...

[malaclypse]

The backstory:

 

Me: 30, single, broke up with my ex in August. She was my second serious relationship; both lasted 5 years. I am a very honest person and I never cheated on my ex-girlfriends, despite having the opportunity.

 

Her: 25, married, together with her husband for 8 years, 5 of which they are married. He totally controls her, has access to all her email, IM accounts, takes away her cell phone from time to time, beats her, controls her financially. She thinks it's ok because 'she deserves it', she 'needs punishment' for her being so bad.

 

What happened:

 

We met, fell in love, had a lot of talks. I was having a very bad time because I could not understand how she could confess undying love for me while being married. But I was so in love, so I accepted this.

First, we met for long walks, had many long talks. I have to mention that I'm a bit unusual and it is very rare for me to find a woman who has similar interests, and who likes to talk about stuff that I like to talk about...Most of the time, I get bored by talking to most women (and men, for that ) quickly, and for me, it is very important to actually be able to have non-small-talk conversations.

Anyway, inevitably we met at my place and had sex. She was sexually very inexperienced (surprising for me as she's married for so long), and I think she never had good sex before. At least, that's what she told me, and considering how she changed in sex during the time with me, I tend to believe it.

Anyway, of course her husband found out; but somehow she managed to convince him we were just 'holding hands'.

At first we could meet for a few hours with his knowledge, but soon we had to have 'hidden' meetings and contact.

It continued for almost three months; whenever her husband was terrorizing her too much, she would break up with me, only to contact me again within hours, and telling me how much she loved me. Her life became worse and worse, as her husband took away more and more of her already very restricted freedoms. He had always been very controlling, to the point where she asks if she can have another glass of wine or some more truffles every single time...

It became so bad that she thought she had to make a 'final' decision (after 8 or so decision that she could not keep for even a few hours ). We agreed that she would not contact me again until she wanted to be with me.

Two days later, she mailed and skyped me, saying she cannot do anything but she loves me forever, thinks about me every second, wants to be with me in future etc. I answered 'then do something about it'. She 'ok. i love you.'

Later that day, she finally told him 'the truth', e.g. that we had been having sex, and she gave him all passwords to 'our' email accounts and skype and everything. I haven't heard from her since, but he wrote me an email in her name saying

'he doesn't want me to talk to you. he doesn't want me to see you. he wants to keep me as long as he can. I wish I were pregnant from you, so we could finally be together...'

Later, he wrote a second email saying the other mail was from him and telling me to **** off, and that 'he needed to write me the previous email in order to be able to trust her again.'.

 

Anyway, I haven't heard from her for more than a week now. I love her, and I miss her, and I know she loves me, and misses me.

Still, she did not contact me...

I know she's at home now, constantly supervised by her husband.

She probably really tries to fix her marriage.

I don't know what to do.

For the last two months, I never initiated contact, only answered when she did, because of my guilt, because it was her who was married, and because I could never know if it has her or her husband (he also wrote me texts in her name sometimes).

I told myself I would not contact her, no matter how hard it is for me.

 

I should probably also say that her marriage is quite likely doomed, and is so for a long time, because of some things that her husband didn't tell her before they married. She never wants to have children with him because of those 'secrets', but she feels really guilty towards him for thinking like that. Maybe that's why she accepts his 'punishment' (beatings).

 

I know I should probably try to forget her, but I just love her so much, and I know she does too.

 

Any tips or comments? Anything is appreciated, really.

[OWoman]

If he beats her you should call the cops and have him thrown in jail where he belongs.

 

I don't know what country you live in, but in my country knowing - or having strong suspicion backed by evidence - that a woman or child is being abused and NOT reporting it is itself a crime. At the very best, you're an accessory after the fact to his crime of domestic violence.

 

She clearly can't stop him, but you can. If you love this woman, you'll act before he kills her.

Edited December 26, 2007 by OWoman
typo

[malaclypse]

I'm in western europe, and I thought of this before. But she always freaked out and begged me not to do it.

I called 'abused women helpline' a month ago, when I was really worried, and they told me that the problem is that by law where she lives, the cops will not go there unless she contacts them.

And I just know she would protect him in front of the cops; she told me so. She really seems to think she deserves the punishment

 

Also, if I do this now, it will be me interfering after she chose not to be with me Maybe she is really trying to save her marriage and giving me up. How can I know unless I talk to her..

 

And he hits her in fights only. It's of no use calling the cops if they are really 'happy' together now... She will just hate me for it.

Edited December 26, 2007 by malaclypse

[OWoman]

Maybe she is really trying to save her marriage and giving me up. How can I know unless I talk to her..

 

From what you say - her saying she "deserves it" etc - she's incapable of informed choice. It's called Battered Woman Syndrome and is admissible in court (e.g. in mitigation should she kill her abusive husband) so any law that requires her to make the call is at best antiquated and uninformed.

 

The same way that a child of 12 or a woman who's been doped is not deemed able to consent freely to sex, so this woman's "trying to save her marriage" cannot be the result of free choice if she is being abused.

 

Instead of trying to save her marriage, she should be trying to save her life.

[malaclypse]

Thanks, but I cannot just call the cops like that...

Also, I never saw any blue spots or a black eye on her.

 

I have to say I come from a happy family, and I have had absolutely no 'real-life' contact with such abuse.

 

And, it has been 8 days since I last heard from her. I have no idea what's going on inside her..

 

I'm sure she would have contacted me if she wanted to, just a short email or sms...

 

Maybe someone has other tips than just calling the police? =/

Edited December 26, 2007 by malaclypse

[frannie]

He totally controls her, has access to all her email, IM accounts, takes away her cell phone from time to time, beats her, controls her financially. She thinks it's ok because 'she deserves it', she 'needs punishment' for her being so bad.

 

I know I should probably try to forget her, but I just love her so much, and I know she does too.

 

Any tips or comments? Anything is appreciated, really.

 

If she feels she 'deserves it' and wants to stay there, what is there that you can do? You are probably serving some purpose in their interactions, adding fuel to the fire, enabling her to feel 'bad' and him to punish her more for her transgressions and control her life and keep her from herself, something they both believe in. Who knows?

 

I really don't see what there is you can do... the only person who can save her is herself, and she doesn't seem to want to be 'saved'.

[malaclypse]

Thanks frannie, that's what I needed to hear.

 

As I wrote before, for the last two months, I have never initiated contact, it was always her... it's just that now she doesn't, and it's the first time that she does not do it.

 

NC sucks, but I also feel relieved a bit, and I'm glad that the constant melodrama is off for the moment....

 

 

Maybe she will realize what she lost in me in time. And if not, it's her loss!

[Owl]

Several years ago, my wife made friends with a neighbor lady. She was young, pretty, etc... I was stationed away for several months at the time that this started.

 

Shortly after she met my wife, she asked if she could come to our house to use the phone. After several times of this happening, this woman told my wife that she was in an abusive relationship, that her H was physically and emotionally abusive, and that she had a male 'friend' that she called for support.

 

I came back from my deployment to this situation. I got to know this lady, and her husband and family. After a few weeks, I got it figured out. It turns out, her H was NOT abusive in either way. He was absent a lot, as he was a drill sgt, and because of that, she'd started sleeping with this other guy, who later was stationed at another base. She was also sleeping with several other guys at the same time. It turned out in her case that she was a serial cheater, who had never been faithful in any fashion to her H. Who turned out to NOT to be emotionally or physically abusive...just absent a lot due to his duty assignment.

 

I'm not saying that your case is the same.

 

What I AM saying is that if you've not seen 'proof' that she's been beaten, you might pause and ask yourself if she really IS being physically abused, or if she created this to justify her cheating on him?

 

Now...she might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Or...give the 'controlling' aspects you've described, I wonder if she's cheated before. The thing with the having all her passwords, controlling her cell phone, etc...are all common 'defense mechanisms' for someone who's been cheated on before. He's trying to check her communication channels to SEE if she's cheating. (which, btw...it turned out she was...go figure)

 

Either way...your best bet is to go to NC with her. If she leaves him and divorces him...then its up to you if you want to re-establish a relationship with her. But right now, its best for ALL of you if you ended the affair and see what progresses from here.

[malaclypse]

Owl, I thought about that before, too.

I do know she was really hit sometimes because her husband admitted to it, and also because she was really angry sometimes because of it. I don't think he really 'beats her up', though.

 

 

And I do not think she cheated before, because she was very inexperienced in sexual matters at the beginning. Even in kissing she was like a teenager... I was very surprised by that, considering she's together with the same guy for eight years. But it was the first real relationship for her as well as her husband...

 

 

And as to your advice, the A is effectively over, as I will not contact her, and she didn't contact me for 9 days now. Before that, the most she ever managed was once 3 days... =/