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Still love my MM


chasingrainbows25

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chasingrainbows25

So I posted before about how my A with MM all came to a head. Me telling him that he should never have started anything with me before sorting his situation at home and for the first time since our A started he GOT it and agreed. That lead to a few dark weeks of NC that was painfull, sad and a terrible time to live through. My head was saying, you made the right decision, my heart was saying, you still love this man.

 

Contact was made again a couple of weeks after and he told me that there was no way he was going to have a relationship with me while he was still in the situation at home. I really respect this and know it would have been so much better had we both agreed on that a year ago. I know he still loves me and he's said that he cant see a way where I'm not in his life. He has never been as close with anyone before and we both know we have an incredible bond. He wants to be friends. I consider this and have no idea how I'm going to make that work as with me its black and white. After another week or so of contact here and there, I know that I dont want to lose his friendship so I agree that this is the way forward. So forward we go. We speak to each other on the phone 2 - 3 times a week. We txt during the day (only a few txt's). He's started calling me sweetheart again and at the end of our phone calls he blows a kiss. The first txt of the day from him is always a hug.

 

We agreed to meet for coffee last week to exchange christmas gifts and I really wasnt sure what to expect. The last time I'd seen him was a horrible horrible night where I let him go. As soon as I saw his face, damnit I knew I still loved him so very much. He kissed me on both cheeks and I said, oh for goodness sakes give me a proper kiss and he planted one right on my lips. He jumped into my car and we exchanged gifts and openend them there an then. When he saw mine he grabbed my hand and there were tears running down his cheeks which of course started me off and we just sat there in silence for a time, remembering.

 

Into the coffee house, we sat for 2 hrs just laughing and talking about all sorts. He complimented me on how good I was looking and when it was time to go, picked up my scarf and held it to his face.

 

We walked to the cars, holding hands and he kissed me good bye and we hugged for a moment. I set off feeling all lovely and warm inside but sad at the same time. I got a txt 20 mins later telling me how wonderful I was and that he looked forward to seeing me again soon.

 

I'm not sure I can do the friends thing, I love him to bits and since that day (2 days ago) I can think of nothing but him. His daily txt's are becomming more frequent and I have to stop myself from seeing them as signs that he wants more from me, as I know he doesnt.

 

What to do? I know he loves me but he's trying to do the right thing (he's doing the thing I suggested and demanded that he do) and that is while he's still in the family home, he wont become involved.

 

My question is I guess, how do I keep this wonderful man as a friend and rid my mind of all thoughts that we could be lovers again.

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I think the pain is just too fresh for you to be friends right now. Maybe at some point in the future. A lot is unresolved. If he's truly trying to sort things out, he should not be seeing you to exchange presents and cry together and hold hands. He should be focusing all energy on sorting it out. It sounds to me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, he is making sure you are still there while he's sorting things out. It would be a real shame for him if he finally got the courage to leave, only to find out you aren't going to be there.

 

I know you still love him. I know it hurts, believe me, I've been there. But he has said he is sorting things out, and you have to let him. I know you don't want to hear this because I certainly didn't, but the best thing you can do right now is to move on with your life without him in it. If you love him, let him go. If he loves you, he will come back. And if he doesn't, he is not worth your time and your tears.

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ICallsEmAsISeesEm
He jumped into my car and we exchanged gifts and openend them there an then. When he saw mine he grabbed my hand and there were tears running down his cheeks which of course started me off and we just sat there in silence for a time, remembering.
Exchanging gifts hidden in a car in a parking lot? That should honestly be your first clue as to how lame this so-called 'friendship' is. I don't have to hide in cars to exchange gifts with TRUE friends.

 

Really think about that.

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My question is I guess, how do I keep this wonderful man as a friend and rid my mind of all thoughts that we could be lovers again.

 

You can't, sorry.

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LucreziaBorgia

You can't be friends when you both want more. Besides, it is apparent that he is working on wearing you down to the point where you start having sex again. That's pretty much what "let's be friends" means in a case like this.

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he told me that there was no way he was going to have a relationship with me while he was still in the situation at home. I really respect this

 

If you really respect that, then

 

1 - you must have lost respect for him now since you are in constant contact

2 - you must tell him to go away until he resolves things with his marriage so that you can be together

 

What you two are doing now is NOT being uninvolved. You are still involved, just you aren't having sex at the moment. You cannot be friends while he is supposedly figuring things out at home. All he's doing is making sure you are still firmly on the leash in case he decides to leave.

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Hi,

 

My question is I guess, how do I keep this wonderful man as a friend and rid my mind of all thoughts that we could be lovers again.

 

Just be lovers again and you won't have to worry about that.

 

What's the point really, this is the season to be jolly, see if he is interested and be with the man you love.

 

Yeah, sometimes you just have to be lover, what can you do. Such is life.

 

Ariadne

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So I posted before about how my A with MM all came to a head. Me telling him that he should never have started anything with me before sorting his situation at home and for the first time since our A started he GOT it and agreed. That lead to a few dark weeks of NC that was painfull, sad and a terrible time to live through. My head was saying, you made the right decision, my heart was saying, you still love this man.

 

Contact was made again a couple of weeks after and he told me that there was no way he was going to have a relationship with me while he was still in the situation at home.

 

I know he still loves me and he's said that he cant see a way where I'm not in his life. He has never been as close with anyone before and we both know we have an incredible bond. He wants to be friends.

 

We agreed to meet for coffee last week to exchange christmas gifts and I really wasnt sure what to expect. The last time I'd seen him was a horrible horrible night where I let him go. As soon as I saw his face, damnit I knew I still loved him so very much. He kissed me on both cheeks and I said, oh for goodness sakes give me a proper kiss and he planted one right on my lips. He jumped into my car and we exchanged gifts and openend them there an then. When he saw mine he grabbed my hand and there were tears running down his cheeks which of course started me off and we just sat there in silence for a time, remembering.

 

Hello CR, I've chopped down your OP to these paragraphs which I think describe what is going on here.

 

Firstly, yes, your heart says you love him, your head says ending it with him is the right decision, and have to balance the two. Only, this is not ending things with him.

 

You are in this terrible period where it's very difficult to know what is right... do you see him because you miss him and want him, or do you break it off and not see him because logic says this is going nowhere, and he's married, and so on..?

 

The fact is, no one knows what is best, and there is no easy answer, no matter what anyone says. The only right thing to do is the right thing for you, really. The problem is that with affairs, the thing that takes away the pain for you (missing him) also takes away the pain for him (missing you and relief from his marriage) AND SO... keeping you there on the edge of content and him on the edge of bearing his life... goes on and on and on and on...

 

His meeting you assuages his need... and keeps you hanging on waiting... but it will only ever really be a mutual misery (bitter sweet) ...unless something changes (JMHO).

 

His wanting to be friends... and kissing in the car... means you're there again... but it's only enough to assuage his longing... and engage yours again.

 

So what are you going to do..? What do you want? If it is him, you will never get it by letting him 'be friends' with you, which is simply a salve to his present situation. You need to think about you, rather than him. Think of this: you're the one free to pursue others, and a new life...

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chasingrainbows25

Thanks for your replies guys. Most of what you have said is already in my head but its good to write/type things down as this is such a mess of a situation.

 

Icallit - The whole "in the car thing" was fine, not seedy as you made it out. My gift was a scrapbook sort of thing, that needed privacy (not the coffee shop) for it to be opened in.

 

Nora - I completely agree and wish I could find the strength to walk away but damnit just the thought of it tears me up. But you're right. I know you're right, just not so easy to do.

 

Fran - you speak so much sense, thank you for your post.

 

Since my last post, he's called and txt'ed (9am on Christmas morning and several throughout the day). Today I've only had one and I feel quite relieved and am thinking that I may not reply when he sends the next one and wonder if I could actually do that.

 

So I have no idea what my next move is.

 

:confused:

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... wish I could find the strength to walk away but damnit just the thought of it tears me up.

 

.. Today I've only had one and I feel quite relieved and am thinking that I may not reply when he sends the next one and wonder if I could actually do that.

 

So I have no idea what my next move is.

 

:confused:

 

Try to take it slowly, little things like not replying to every single text...

 

When thinking of never speaking to him again is so frightening, just remember you CAN speak to him again... when you feel you need to. But you can also choose not to speak to him today, because it's good for you. There's no need to jump into NC with both feet right now... just take it steadily, if it's easier.

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