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He is finally mine, why am I not happy


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I have been reading here for about 9 months and found this site to be very helpful. This is my first post only because I haven't read too much about my situation. I hope someone can help me. I have been OW for 18 months to MM of 16 years. He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt. He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now. He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out. He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage. I feel guilty but I keep telling myself he wasn't happy with her anyway. Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected. It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now? Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that. If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

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I have been reading here for about 9 months and found this site to be very helpful. This is my first post only because I haven't read too much about my situation. I hope someone can help me. I have been OW for 18 months to MM of 16 years. He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt. He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now. He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out. He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage. I feel guilty but I keep telling myself he wasn't happy with her anyway. Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected. It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now? Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that. If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

Carrie I don't know how much difference it would have made to you had he been the one to leave, since he's done so before... and gone back. If he'd left, you'd be left wondering whether he was going to go crawling back to his W again, as he'd done before. At least this time she's indicated she's not having any more, and so perhaps there is some finality this time.

 

Perhaps that was what he wanted - her to make the decision for him so that he didn't have to be the bad guy. Perhaps he's really still confused and not ready to make a decision either way, and is merely rolling with the punches. It's really hard to say and he probably couldn't even tell you himself.

 

As an OW whose MM has similarly left his M for me, I know that it's a very difficult time for all concerned, and I'd suggest that the best thing is some kind of counselling for him to go through the end of the M, without dragging issues into your R. And for the two of you to work on a fresh start without the guilt that you also say you feel.

 

Good luck - you will have enough to deal with without this doubt and wondering.

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child_of_isis

I am betting that this guy is a mid lifer. These guys are unhappy and unfulfilled. He projects this onto the W/family/M.

 

So, he gets himself an OW. Eventually, he finds the OW doesn't make him happy either.

 

Never once does he consider that his happiness and fulfillment is his own responsibility, not someone else's. He is always looking for an external fix to an internal problem.

 

Back and forth he bounces until W has had enough and throws his butt out.

 

Ow gets stuck with a miserable man.

 

Nobody wins.

 

It is amazing how one "unhappy" man can create a misery vacuum and suck the life out of everyone.

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I am betting that this guy is a mid lifer. These guys are unhappy and unfulfilled. He projects this onto the W/family/M.

 

So, he gets himself an OW. Eventually, he finds the OW doesn't make him happy either.

 

Never once does he consider that his happiness and fulfillment is his own responsibility, not someone else's. He is always looking for an external fix to an internal problem.

 

Back and forth he bounces until W has had enough and throws his butt out.

 

Ow gets stuck with a miserable man.

 

Nobody wins.

 

It is amazing how one "unhappy" man can create a misery vacuum and suck the life out of everyone.

 

 

It works both ways. There are unhappy women that spread the misery around as well.

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child_of_isis

This is true. I believe a lot of women who have affairs are going through mid life crisis... aka uranus opposition....

 

They too look for external fixes for internal problems.

It works both ways. There are unhappy women that spread the misery around as well.
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Because you have won your prize and now you are bored with it. Being an OW little to nothing to do with love.

 

Hmm - how many times have you been an OW, Woggle, that you can pronounce so definitively on the matter?

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Hmm - how many times have you been an OW, Woggle, that you can pronounce so definitively on the matter?

 

I have never been nor have I been an OM but I have observed the situation enough times to have noticed a pattern. There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 this situation fits the pattern.

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I have been reading here for about 9 months and found this site to be very helpful. This is my first post only because I haven't read too much about my situation. I hope someone can help me. I have been OW for 18 months to MM of 16 years. He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt. He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now. He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out. He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage. I feel guilty but I keep telling myself he wasn't happy with her anyway. Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected. It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now? Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that. If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

just a quick response - fear would be a great reason to not be content - you loose them how you get them. he cheated on his marriage, it is very probable he will cheat on you. plus, the excitement of the affair is no longer there. he has shown you patterns of behavior during your relationship that are major red flags. secondly, he is leaving his marriage - he will grieve for it. that is normal. anytime you spend time with someone day in and day out, you will grieve that relationship even if you weren't happy, it is the KNOWN and now he is going into the unknown. he set this up without realizing it (or maybe he did), it appears he wasn't going to leave her, he had the best of both worlds, why would he - she made him leave after being tired of his infidelity. so, do you still feel as though you won the prize? probably not. you will always have questions as to whether or not he is true. this was why i left the man i was involved with many years ago - there is no way to know for sure if he can be trustworthy, no matter how much you think you love him.

Edited by mistieyed
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I have never been nor have I been an OM but I have observed the situation enough times to have noticed a pattern. There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 this situation fits the pattern.

 

What I see on LS is that 9 times out of ten the OW are tuly in love with their MM, and occasionally there is an OW who isnt but dates a MM as it suits her need better. And you say that being an OW is nothing to do with love?? Weird.

 

OP - I would guess you feel not so happy as his wife left - rather than him leaving HER. That would bother me - if I were ever in your shoes. AND I would imagine that if you have been togher for so long you must have thought about him leaving his wife and how it would be when you and he could finally be together. Is it perhaps a little bit of an anti climax? I know my real life rarely - no - NEVER - lives up to the little scenarios I have in my head. Just a thought. x

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The love is not real because if it was it would last once he leaves his wife but that is not the case. It is all about ego and when a woman is not number one in his life she doesn't feel good about herself so she constantly tries to make herself number one. Once she acheives that objective and she is number one in his life she gets bored with him and falls out of love. True love does not require constant ego stroking and affirmation of womanhood which is not an OW situation is about in many ways. If you think I am wrong tell me how many truly happy long lasting do you know that came out of this type of situation.

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The love is not real because if it was it would last once he leaves his wife but that is not the case. It is all about ego and when a woman is not number one in his life she doesn't feel good about herself so she constantly tries to make herself number one. Once she acheives that objective and she is number one in his life she gets bored with him and falls out of love. True love does not require constant ego stroking and affirmation of womanhood which is not an OW situation is about in many ways. If you think I am wrong tell me how many truly happy long lasting do you know that came out of this type of situation.

 

Love often dosent last, look at the amount of M's that dont last. So it stands to reason that some of the relationships that started out like this wont last ether. I just dont agree with your reasoning. At all.

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I have never been nor have I been an OM but I have observed the situation enough times to have noticed a pattern. There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 this situation fits the pattern.

 

Woggle's from New Jersey. 9 times out of 10 men from New Jersey are scumbags.

 

I've observed the situation enough, and it fits the pattern.

 

I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter today!

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I have been reading here for about 9 months and found this site to be very helpful. This is my first post only because I haven't read too much about my situation. I hope someone can help me. I have been OW for 18 months to MM of 16 years. He has gone back and forth between W and Me for the past year. He left her twice to be with me but has gone back to her within weeks. He says it is the guilt. He tells me he has been unhappy for a long time and I am the answer to his prayers. We are totally in love and feel like we are soul mates. I have been waiting patiently for him to leave W again so we can be together but he kept putting it off. W knows all about me and has been trying to reconcile the marriage up to now. He told her he broke it off with me and he was going to work on his marriage but he continue our relationship. W found out he was still seeing me and she kicked him out. He came to me and now we can finally start a life together. I was so happy that she gave up on him and their marriage. I feel guilty but I keep telling myself he wasn't happy with her anyway. Each day that passes by he seems depressed and I can see that he misses her which I had expected. It also bothers me that he didn't leave her, she dumped him. So is that the reason he is with me now? Would he have actually left her for me if she hadn't kicked him out? He tells me he is ready to move on with me but I can't seem to find any peace in that. If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me. I love him so much and don't want to lose him. Maybe I am digging to deep and should just be happy he is with me!! What is wrong with me????

 

 

Because he is not all yours, a part of him most likely a large part is still with his wife. Does he have children? you do not mention any so I assume he does not.

 

An affair is in large part fantasy and the day to day living is quite different. I often wonder if couples lived in separate houses if the romance would last. The daily grind can really grind the life out of you if you let it.

 

Do you ever find you really really want something and you look forward to it so much, life would so great it we had whatever it is, then you get it and find it makes very little difference and we become bored with it after a while. 18 months with some one is only a short time,you only get to know someone when you live with them for years.

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Love often dosent last, look at the amount of M's that dont last. So it stands to reason that some of the relationships that started out like this wont last ether. I just dont agree with your reasoning. At all.

 

This is true but the odds against OW/ MM relationships are vastly against them. It's like playing russian roulette with five in the chamber and hoping that you don't shoot yourself. These relationships are ego driven on the woman's part and not based on true love for the most part. Some women just can't stand being told no and not having something in their grasp and that psychology plays for why they chase after MM.

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Woggle's from New Jersey. 9 times out of 10 men from New Jersey are scumbags.

 

I've observed the situation enough, and it fits the pattern.

 

I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter today!

 

New York/New Jersey guys which I am are just real. We are not afraid to call a spade a spade. Don't kill the messanger.

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New York/New Jersey guys which I am are just real. We are not afraid to call a spade a spade.

 

My, my, what big overgeneralizations we have!

:rolleyes:

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My, my, what big overgeneralizations we have!

:rolleyes:

 

Now who is calling the pot black.

 

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Hope something gladens you up soon

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It was sarcasm. I just can't stand this guy's overgeneralizations about women, so I wanted to point out how obnoxious it sounds when people do that.

 

But it seems he has a thick skull, so I'm just going to ignore.

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To hopefully help you, AW...

 

I think you aren't happy because you have some doubts, which are completely understandable. His W threw him out, and like you say, would he have chosen you voluntarily? You're wondering...

 

My advice to you is to make it about yourself. Process your feelings, don't deny them. Take care of your needs and advise him to do the same. And I agree with whoever said relationship counseling is a good idea.

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If he would have left her I might feel different. I thought I would be so happy but this is really eating at me.

 

Carrie, I think how he came to you DOES add a different dynamic to your relationship with him.

 

It's possible that by kicking him out, his estranged wife as turned him into her trash instead of your treasure -- at least that is how some part of you may be viewing this turn of events.

Not only that, you must now deal with his pining and moping for her. Of course, this was expected even if he'd made the decision but that he did NOT choose his current situation, there is uncertainty as to whether you're observing "normal, expected" pining-that-comes-from-guilt, or "I want to go back to my wife" pining-that-comes-from-desire.

 

You could also be experiencing some of your own guilt because of having to see him unhappy.

 

It's not the ideal circumstances but it is all that's there, right now. I'd just make the best of it. He hasn't demonstrated a good track record of being able to make a decision about this, so that would also be cause for conscious or subconscious concern on your part.

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I have to say that this is how I got my first 'ex'.. I was the OW for 11 years... he never left her during that time..

 

She finally kicked him out after all those years... he moved with me right away.. and I finally left him 18 years later. (29 years total)

 

I don't think that MMs automatically cheat on the OW once they are together... mine never did (at least I don't think so)...

 

The only thing I can say is that those men are 'weak' they just can't take a decision ... they are insecure... once the W decides for them.. then they move on, at least that's how I see my ex.

 

I was the one to decide about the 'important' stuff in the house. He was insecure but once the change was undergone...then he would work at it... strange but they need others to make the important decisions.

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Someone said Mid life crisis. He has told me all through the relationship that he does love his wife. Although as time passed on with our relationship he seems to have little or no patience for his wife. She pretty much gets on his nerves now. I think she has tried too hard to make their marriage work and it seems to me that she just pushed him away. Most of the time he seems happy to be living with me now. It has only been a short while though. I do question if he is trust worthy or not . I am on guard all the time in fear that he is going to lie to me again about talking with his W. He has been very sneaky in the past and yes I have seen the lies and betrayal but I can't believe he would do the things he did to his W to me. I love him so much and I guess I look past those things because he is so important to me and I believe our love is much stronger and will get us through anything. I know that once he moves forward with the divorce I will have to except that he will need to see and talk to W. I am hoping that he will have gained my trust back. Has anyone been in this situation and what I might expect? Maybe I am just fooling myself.

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He has been very sneaky in the past and yes I have seen the lies and betrayal but I can't believe he would do the things he did to his W to me.

 

Why not? Does 18 months outweight 16 years of marriage, plus however long they knew eachother before they got married? They have a history together, family, inlaws, friends, a house, joint bank accounts - The whole works. Do you really honestly believe that he hasn't and isn't going to lie to you at some point?

 

I can see why you are having trust issues, he didn't come to you on his own, by his choice. His wife kicked him out and he came to you.

 

This man is a cheater, a liar and he betrayed his wife of 16 years, got kicked out after she found out that he was still seeing you after DDay (discovery day) when they were supposed to be working on their marriage. Yes, trust is going to be an issue for a long time.

 

Do they have kids together? If so, she's going to be in your lives forever because of those kids.

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