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MW in almost-affair w/ MM


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OK,

 

So, first time post, but I'm glad to have found this forum. Feel free to direct me to other threads, I know this is the same old story...

 

So, I met him on a delayed flight. Great conversation and laughs. We both talked openly about our marriage and children (he has 4 - older, I have 3 - very young). Typical "honeymoon" type situation for a long layover in an airport. Everything seemed to come together. When we finally landed, his connecting flight was cancelled, and me and my friend were off to our hotel, so we invited him along promising a free ride back to the airport when it was time. My friend crashed out and he and I stayed up for another several hours talking and making out. We didn't have sex although it was obvious that this was what we both wanted to do. I took him to the airport and we've been making plans to get together again, build some type of relationship, and embark on some sort of future. He is talking relationship, which is what every girl wants to hear. I am talking sex, which is what every boy wants to hear.

 

For me, I'm not sure if I can do the just sex thing, but my current situation is not acceptable either. I suspect that if our lives could cross sooner than mid-January, all of this angst would be irrelevant, but as you can see, I have too darn much time to think about it.

 

My story: I have been married for 10 years, and have not had sex consistently for most of that. I stopped counting because it was too pathetic and demoralizing to have to ask for it all the time. My youngest daughter is 3 and I have had sex once since her conception. My husband and I have separated once about a year ago, but for the sake of the kids, I have continued in this relationship. We have been in marital counseling three times, each lasting over a year. Hubby proclaims undying love for me and says he'll never leave me. I have lost respect for him because I perceive him to be weak. Although he is good with the kids, his upbringing surfaces every so often and he makes mistakes here and there with them. I feel like I am a better influence on the kids when I'm around 100% of the time rather than in a joint custody situation. I am well educated and financially successful as is my husband. We have a comfortable life and our kids get to do many things that neither of us got to do as children due to limited means. Prior to my marriage I was a very sexual person and had many suitors.

 

His story: He's been married for 20 years (15 years older than me). His wife won't have sex with him (or once a month or something). He is a travelling salesman (regional manager, yadda yadda) and is on the road every weekday and home weekends. He's putting three kids through private college and has an 11 yo daughter that he'll put through as well. He is very angry at his wife for typical marriage stuff. He feels like they aren't friends and he's very lonely. His financial situation is not as secure as mine, primarily because of being 50 and in sales and that is a very ageist industry. He recently had to start his career over due to a failed business venture. He is very adept at phone sex, it's obvious that he's done it a time or two, and he proclaims to be good at pleasing the ladies - red flag? how do you be faithful to a woman who won't have sex with you but then be a Rico Suave?

 

I have been honest and sincere with him, and I believe that he is being mostly honest and sincere with me. Primarily because he has already stated that he wasn't going to leave his wife, and he also made some off hand comment about neither of us moving to be with eachother. I've already told him my marriage is over, and that if I do leave my husband it wouldn't be for him, that he's more or less a catalyst.

 

So, my question is this: What am I doing? In my mind and heart, this has already occurred. Although it's not too late to back out, I definitely do not want to do that. I feel like my fears are more from loving and losing in any relationship, with the added complications. I really like this person, but I'm dealing with the typical fears associated with whether he's lying to me, whether I'm being "groomed" by being told all of the right things, etc. And, if I am entering into a purely sexual relationship, can that be all bad???

 

Does anyone have experiences they could relate? Don't flame me too much, I'm fragile (ha ha).

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I have the same question: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

 

"Fix" things at HOME first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I don't know the other man, so I can't say whether or not you are being groomed.. Odds are, YES, but..

 

Question: What would this do to the man that is still your husband? How much "weaker" would this make him? How much better of a Father would this make him? What would your kids think of you? What would YOU think of you??

 

Stop the nonsense and go end your marriage OR re-build your marriage..

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OK,

 

So, first time post, but I'm glad to have found this forum. Feel free to direct me to other threads, I know this is the same old story...

 

So, I met him on a delayed flight. Great conversation and laughs. We both talked openly about our marriage and children (he has 4 - older, I have 3 - very young). Typical "honeymoon" type situation for a long layover in an airport. Everything seemed to come together. When we finally landed, his connecting flight was cancelled, and me and my friend were off to our hotel, so we invited him along promising a free ride back to the airport when it was time. My friend crashed out and he and I stayed up for another several hours talking and making out. We didn't have sex although it was obvious that this was what we both wanted to do. I took him to the airport and we've been making plans to get together again, build some type of relationship, and embark on some sort of future. He is talking relationship, which is what every girl wants to hear. I am talking sex, which is what every boy wants to hear.

 

For me, I'm not sure if I can do the just sex thing, but my current situation is not acceptable either. I suspect that if our lives could cross sooner than mid-January, all of this angst would be irrelevant, but as you can see, I have too darn much time to think about it.

 

My story: I have been married for 10 years, and have not had sex consistently for most of that. I stopped counting because it was too pathetic and demoralizing to have to ask for it all the time. My youngest daughter is 3 and I have had sex once since her conception. My husband and I have separated once about a year ago, but for the sake of the kids, I have continued in this relationship. We have been in marital counseling three times, each lasting over a year. Hubby proclaims undying love for me and says he'll never leave me. I have lost respect for him because I perceive him to be weak. Although he is good with the kids, his upbringing surfaces every so often and he makes mistakes here and there with them. I feel like I am a better influence on the kids when I'm around 100% of the time rather than in a joint custody situation. I am well educated and financially successful as is my husband. We have a comfortable life and our kids get to do many things that neither of us got to do as children due to limited means. Prior to my marriage I was a very sexual person and had many suitors.

 

His story: He's been married for 20 years (15 years older than me). His wife won't have sex with him (or once a month or something). He is a travelling salesman (regional manager, yadda yadda) and is on the road every weekday and home weekends. He's putting three kids through private college and has an 11 yo daughter that he'll put through as well. He is very angry at his wife for typical marriage stuff. He feels like they aren't friends and he's very lonely. His financial situation is not as secure as mine, primarily because of being 50 and in sales and that is a very ageist industry. He recently had to start his career over due to a failed business venture. He is very adept at phone sex, it's obvious that he's done it a time or two, and he proclaims to be good at pleasing the ladies - red flag? how do you be faithful to a woman who won't have sex with you but then be a Rico Suave?

 

I have been honest and sincere with him, and I believe that he is being mostly honest and sincere with me. Primarily because he has already stated that he wasn't going to leave his wife, and he also made some off hand comment about neither of us moving to be with eachother. I've already told him my marriage is over, and that if I do leave my husband it wouldn't be for him, that he's more or less a catalyst.

 

So, my question is this: What am I doing? In my mind and heart, this has already occurred. Although it's not too late to back out, I definitely do not want to do that. I feel like my fears are more from loving and losing in any relationship, with the added complications. I really like this person, but I'm dealing with the typical fears associated with whether he's lying to me, whether I'm being "groomed" by being told all of the right things, etc. And, if I am entering into a purely sexual relationship, can that be all bad???

 

Does anyone have experiences they could relate? Don't flame me too much, I'm fragile (ha ha).

 

 

Hello Bloom and welcome to LS, hope you find what you are looking for...;)

 

I highlighted the part that stood out for me because you need to ask yourself, if you would be ending your marriage regardless of this new man what are you waiting for? Shouldn't you be focusing on how you will end the marriage and then you can focus on how you can start up this new relationship with this new man?

 

I think your fears are normal, in particular since this man has already told you he will not leave his W. Listen to a man and his "off the cuff comments", they don't lie in this respect, if he has already told you he will not make a move don't discard that peice of knowledge it can save you a lot of heartache in the end.

 

What concerns me is that you are looking for red flags in other repects yet he puts the proof right out on the table. I mean he tells you he is not leaving his W plus he travels and he seems really good at seduction, he 100% does this all the time and is looking for someone on the side. Beyond that it is really up to you what you think you can get from being with this man, if it's courage to get you out of your own situation, then so be it, but I wouldn't expect anything more beyond that given what he has told you.

 

Listen to what he is telling you. Unlike a lot of situations you will read about here men tell women what they want to hear to get what they want, in this case the man is telling you what you may not want to hear but he is being upfront. Consider yourself lucky you know what's what.

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What am I doing?

 

An affair... ;)

 

In my mind and heart, this has already occurred. Although it's not too late to back out, I definitely do not want to do that. I feel like my fears are more from loving and losing in any relationship, with the added complications. I really like this person, but I'm dealing with the typical fears associated with whether he's lying to me, whether I'm being "groomed" by being told all of the right things, etc. And, if I am entering into a purely sexual relationship, can that be all bad???

 

I have a feeling he's feeding you like he is probably feeding a lot of women.. I doubt very much that you're the only one..

 

If all you want (both of you) is sex only...then go ahead... but this is more dangerous for women as women are waaay more emotional than men... men can have sex without any commitment or any 'love' per se.

 

Just be careful with this guy... methink he's a pro at 'luring' women to have what he wants...

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So, my question is this: What am I doing? In my mind and heart, this has already occurred. Although it's not too late to back out, I definitely do not want to do that. I feel like my fears are more from loving and losing in any relationship, with the added complications. I really like this person, but I'm dealing with the typical fears associated with whether he's lying to me, whether I'm being "groomed" by being told all of the right things, etc. And, if I am entering into a purely sexual relationship, can that be all bad???

 

Does anyone have experiences they could relate? Don't flame me too much, I'm fragile (ha ha).

 

Bloom,

 

what do you want from this guy?

 

He's already said he's not leaving his W. Are you happy to be the OW in his life? You have three young children, you've said you'd like to parent them 100% not shared custody with your H, but also talk about your marriage being "over". Are you planning on staying with your H and keeping this guy on the side? Would that work for you, or would you want more? And... assuming your friend is not totally brain dead, he or she would have worked out something was up, and may well say something to your H. What plan would you have if your H found out? Are you happy to have a divorce thrust on you?

 

You said in your post that you were talking sex, "what every guy wants to hear" and he was talking relationship, "what every woman wants to hear" - suggesting that what you want from him is a relationship. Is he able to give you that? I'm an OW, it's not for everyone. It sounds like the excitement is giving you a rush right now, but I think you need to decide what you want from this and whether the MM can, and is prepared to, give that to you.

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First of all: Thanks folks for responding!

 

Nothing reveals the absurdity of the basic question better than honest answers.

 

You're definitely right, end the marriage or fix the marriage. The coward in me is trying to come up with arguments why neither option is reasonable. I'll just leave it at that.

 

I think that part of the problem is that I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to be a catalyst for his pain. I'm not ready to rip off his bandaid, albeit much better in the long run. So, will having an affair hurt him more, I'm not so sure that it would hurt him MORE than what is already inevitable. Divorcing him feels worse at this point. I have no doubt that someday the scales will tip differently.

 

As far as what I am wanting from MM - I definitely want to have an affair with him. I haven't thought much beyond that, primarily because I don't know the answer and I don't want to commit to a situation. I can't say that I only want sex with him, nor I can say that I don't want more than that (phew! look at all those double-negatives).

 

I would think that it's pretty safe to get involved with a MM simply because they're generally unattainable - if committing to a relationship that is more or less emotionally safe is what you want. I have no idea if he's right for me on an emotional level, but sometimes the prospect of great sex (no matter how he got that good) sounds appealing. I'm not sure that I care where's he's been, I know how to take precautions, take care of my body, and minimize risks. If we would take it beyond physical, I would definitely have to be more trusting. I have no reason to disbelieve anything he tells me, other than the situation itself breeds distrust. We would definitely have to move beyond that in order to become more involved.

 

Obviously, I am in no place to enter into a serious relationship, but it is darn nice to feel attractive and desirable.

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First of all: Thanks folks for responding!

 

Nothing reveals the absurdity of the basic question better than honest answers.

 

You're definitely right, end the marriage or fix the marriage. The coward in me is trying to come up with arguments why neither option is reasonable. I'll just leave it at that.

 

I think that part of the problem is that I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to be a catalyst for his pain. I'm not ready to rip off his bandaid, albeit much better in the long run. So, will having an affair hurt him more, I'm not so sure that it would hurt him MORE than what is already inevitable. Divorcing him feels worse at this point. I have no doubt that someday the scales will tip differently.

 

As far as what I am wanting from MM - I definitely want to have an affair with him. I haven't thought much beyond that, primarily because I don't know the answer and I don't want to commit to a situation. I can't say that I only want sex with him, nor I can say that I don't want more than that (phew! look at all those double-negatives).

 

I would think that it's pretty safe to get involved with a MM simply because they're generally unattainable - if committing to a relationship that is more or less emotionally safe is what you want. I have no idea if he's right for me on an emotional level, but sometimes the prospect of great sex (no matter how he got that good) sounds appealing. I'm not sure that I care where's he's been, I know how to take precautions, take care of my body, and minimize risks. If we would take it beyond physical, I would definitely have to be more trusting. I have no reason to disbelieve anything he tells me, other than the situation itself breeds distrust. We would definitely have to move beyond that in order to become more involved.

 

Obviously, I am in no place to enter into a serious relationship, but it is darn nice to feel attractive and desirable.

 

Hmm very interesting and honest post Bloom!

 

Can you please elaborate on that bolded part if you wouldn't mind? I have heard this thought process a lot from the side of the cheater and I can't seem to rationalise it in my own head. Exactly how is cheating less painful than saying "I want out we have to end this?" Is it because by cheating you will make them hate you and therefore it will be easier to get out if they dispise you? That's the only thing I can think of...?

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TC: I think for him, the pain really will not be less. I think it's pretty selfish of me, and probably any one contemplating cheating, to think that the end of a marriage would be less hurtful by ending it with an affair. But, if the facade can be maintained, there's always that one in a million chance that you can keep all the plates spinning can come out unscathed (or somehow less scathed).

 

OK - so the irrational mind says: I never imagined that I would be even considering this situation. I have filled out the paperwork for divorce twice (second time was cut/paste), but haven't filed. I have told him on several occasions that I am done, but we never get to the moving on part. Getting a divorce is an awesome endeavor, especially for two people who don't currentlly fight all the time and have three kids. Being in an unhappy marriage is emotionally draining, but I also think that people (myself included) get accoustomed to the status quo. Changing that takes effort. I don't have the energy to weather all the fireworks and hurt (his and mine). Also, there's money involved, which is another avenue for fighting. I am afraid that we'd fight over stupid stuff that doesn't matter. You can say that YOU'D never do that, but I just have visions of "The Jerk", all I need is this thermos, and this chair, and this stapler....

 

It's odd to me that I'm here, my parents divorced after 17 years and I always wished they would have done it sooner. Now that I'm in my own situation, it is very difficult to do, even if you've already moved on in every other aspect.

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OK, so spending the whole afternoon reading through this forum, I have to say that what I really want is for this man to PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!. I think that's everyone's desire in their particular R.

 

I want to be set free, more specifically, find the courage to set myself free from one unhappy R. I feel like I've worked to the point where Idon't have anything left to give to my marriage. Do I need this OM in order to leave? Nope, but it's much easier to feel swept away.

 

Is the OM worthy of me? I dunno, I hope so. I hope he works out to be a regular guy in a situation similar to mine. I hope that I'm not getting taken for a ride, but I'm still willing to move forward from here with him.

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OK, so spending the whole afternoon reading through this forum, I have to say that what I really want is for this man to PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!. I think that's everyone's desire in their particular R.

 

I want to be set free, more specifically, find the courage to set myself free from one unhappy R. I feel like I've worked to the point where Idon't have anything left to give to my marriage. Do I need this OM in order to leave? Nope, but it's much easier to feel swept away.

 

Is the OM worthy of me? I dunno, I hope so. I hope he works out to be a regular guy in a situation similar to mine. I hope that I'm not getting taken for a ride, but I'm still willing to move forward from here with him.

 

read about Exit Affairs.. Still doesnt make it right though.. DO NOT do this to your H........

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So, my question is this: What am I doing? In my mind and heart, this has already occurred. Although it's not too late to back out, I definitely do not want to do that. I feel like my fears are more from loving and losing in any relationship, with the added complications. I really like this person, but I'm dealing with the typical fears associated with whether he's lying to me, whether I'm being "groomed" by being told all of the right things, etc. And, if I am entering into a purely sexual relationship, can that be all bad???

 

Does anyone have experiences they could relate? Don't flame me too much, I'm fragile (ha ha).

 

This is OBVIOUSLY not the first (or second, or third, etc.) time he cheated on his wife. The are three questions you need to ask yourself:

 

1) Are you ready to get a STD or two (condoms don't protect against many different STDs).

 

2) Are you ready to hurt and betrayed the father of your children who's faithful to you?

 

3) He stated that he won't leave his wife. He is "honest" with you because he want to make it clear that you don't bother his family not because he is really "honest" for your benefit. Are you okay and can look at yourself in the mirror for causing more trouble to another marriage where kids are involved? You're lying to yourself if you think your involvement won't have any effect on how he will treat his wife or how it will damage more on his marriage that he clearly stated that he won't leave (a good indication that it might be a very good marriage and that he lied to you or exaggerated about the problems.

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OK, so spending the whole afternoon reading through this forum, I have to say that what I really want is for this man to PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME!. I think that's everyone's desire in their particular R.

 

I want to be set free, more specifically, find the courage to set myself free from one unhappy R. I feel like I've worked to the point where Idon't have anything left to give to my marriage. Do I need this OM in order to leave? Nope, but it's much easier to feel swept away.

 

Is the OM worthy of me? I dunno, I hope so. I hope he works out to be a regular guy in a situation similar to mine. I hope that I'm not getting taken for a ride, but I'm still willing to move forward from here with him.

 

 

Are you postively sure about that or are you looking at the horizon wondering what is out there in the greener pastures?

 

But Bloom he won't pick you because he has already told you before even having a relationship with you that he won't, so thinking that you can proceed to just have sex with this man and feel nothing more is REALLY kidding yourself. You are already becoming emotionally attached to him and you don't even know it.

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Bloom. I am with these guys on here.

 

If you aren't happy in your R you must end it. If you don't think its fixable you have to end it BEFORE you embark on another R.

Infidelity (cheating) can kill a man or woman. The pain I am feeling now and that is after we had split up would be 100 times worse.

 

You seem like an intelligent woman. In the long run by you having an affair would hurt so many involved when you're eventually found out and if you truly have a conscience you will feel terrible later.

 

It is the freshness and newness of another human being. Which you had when you met your H. It is for everybody. But you need to control your urges and restrain yourself. What would you think if your furture daughter/son in law did this to your grown up son/daughter way in the future?

This guy has spelt it out to you. He wouldn't leave his wife. Probably to much to lose so he sounds like a big loser anyway. Wish his wife knew what he was like then she could D and find somebody else. Like he is doing her a favour by not leaving her when he is complaining. He should leave if his wife isn't fulfulling his needs. Maybe you 2 can get together and live happily ever after? :p

 

Anyway I am not judging anybody here. There is to much pain in breakups and some people need a good slap before they cross the line and the damage is already done :o

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TC: , if the facade can be maintained, there's always that one in a million chance that you can keep all the plates spinning can come out unscathed (or somehow less scathed).

 

 

 

ohh I see so meaning if you can pull off having someone on the sidelines to transition out of the marriage and your H never finds out then it can work in your favour? did I understand that correctly?

 

I've heard that reasoning before...you sound an awful lot like my ex, ;)

 

If so that's an intersting theory and perhaps what some cheaters envision when they say they want out and bring a third party into the equation.

 

My exMM contacted me recently and we met and talked for a long time, the frist time we saw each other in 8moths one of the things he said to me (and he got teary eyed when he said this which was a first since I had never seen him like this) was "I am mostly sorry that I dragged you into all my marital drama and all my bullsht that I had to deal with on my own, when you of all people did not deserve to be dragged into that it was my problem and it was my bad stuation that I neede to resolve is was not fair to you drag you into all my mess of a marriage" It felt good to hear that to know that he recognized that he really did drag me into things that he should not have by leading me to beleive things that were not quite as he had put them out. Regardless I am 100% responsible for having got involved with a married guy and I allowed him to drag me in BUT he really did involve me out of his own selfish needs in a lot of pain and guilt and hurt that he didn't have to, had we done things my way and waited and then got involved when he was in a better place to do so.

 

So though this man you are thinking of getting invloved with does not sound like someone that would be deeply hurt being there for you as you transition out of your marriage since he seems like he is fine with doing the on the side thing, if you do decide to bring someone else into the equation consider that leading someone on into believing you are ready to make the move and then let them suffer along your side as you flip flop back and forth between wanting out and not, is not a decent thing to do to another human being, let alone your own husband who is the last one to know of all this at the end of the day.

 

So lastly if you are 100% sure you want out of your marriage why are you waiting to have someone else to fall back on in order to do so? Are you afraid of getting out alone? How can you be certain your are 100% done with your H? It amazes me how many women have the "cojones" to be certain of this and follow through and how many men just drift in limbo not knowing what the heck they want and where they want to go. No offece guys but women sure do have more "cojones" then the guys do when it comes to matters if change.

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ohh I see so meaning if you can pull off having someone on the sidelines to transition out of the marriage and your H never finds out then it can work in your favour? did I understand that correctly?

 

I've heard that reasoning before...you sound an awful lot like my ex, ;)

 

If so that's an intersting theory and perhaps what some cheaters envision when they say they want out and bring a third party into the equation.

 

My exMM contacted me recently and we met and talked for a long time, the frist time we saw each other in 8moths one of the things he said to me (and he got teary eyed when he said this which was a first since I had never seen him like this) was "I am mostly sorry that I dragged you into all my marital drama and all my bullsht that I had to deal with on my own, when you of all people did not deserve to be dragged into that it was my problem and it was my bad stuation that I neede to resolve is was not fair to you drag you into all my mess of a marriage" It felt good to hear that to know that he recognized that he really did drag me into things that he should not have by leading me to beleive things that were not quite as he had put them out. Regardless I am 100% responsible for having got involved with a married guy and I allowed him to drag me in BUT he really did involve me out of his own selfish needs in a lot of pain and guilt and hurt that he didn't have to, had we done things my way and waited and then got involved when he was in a better place to do so.

 

So though this man you are thinking of getting invloved with does not sound like someone that would be deeply hurt being there for you as you transition out of your marriage since he seems like he is fine with doing the on the side thing, if you do decide to bring someone else into the equation consider that leading someone on into believing you are ready to make the move and then let them suffer along your side as you flip flop back and forth between wanting out and not, is not a decent thing to do to another human being, let alone your own husband who is the last one to know of all this at the end of the day.

 

So lastly if you are 100% sure you want out of your marriage why are you waiting to have someone else to fall back on in order to do so? Are you afraid of getting out alone? How can you be certain your are 100% done with your H? It amazes me how many women have the "cojones" to be certain of this and follow through and how many men just drift in limbo not knowing what the heck they want and where they want to go. No offece guys but women sure do have more "cojones" then the guys do when it comes to matters if change.

Since when do you folks WAY up north use the word, "Cojenes"??? :laugh:

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I just want to through this one out..

 

You guys are in a R and M and presumably not happy for some reason or other to want or need to seek somebody else out.

There would be drastic consquences if you followed through etc etc

So you are feeling unloved, bored, taken for granted or sex starved in your current M. So your emotional/pyshical needs aren't being met.

 

Ok..so if these needs weren't being met then what if a work colleague of the opposite sex noticed you weren't your jolly self and you confided in him/her. Maybe he/she are M or maybe single.

Maybe he/she would not have your best interests but to just get into your pants? Most of the time it would be the guy wouldn't it? :eek:

 

So you're feeling vulnerable because you aren't happy and somebody is showing you attention. Over time one thing leads to another.

My point is. Does anybody understand this happening? It does happen right? When you are feeling this "hurt" in your current M and needs haven't been met for sometime your mind is all over the place. Your self esteem is at an all time low. This work colleague gives you much needed attention. What if he/she is married and you know it? Would the attention you are being shown cloud the knowledge of his marital status? Or would you just not care?

 

Sorry to take over the thread but maybe it is something I am trying to understand from my situation :o

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I just want to through this one out..

 

You guys are in a R and M and presumably not happy for some reason or other to want or need to seek somebody else out.

There would be drastic consquences if you followed through etc etc

So you are feeling unloved, bored, taken for granted or sex starved in your current M. So your emotional/pyshical needs aren't being met.

 

Ok..so if these needs weren't being met then what if a work colleague of the opposite sex noticed you weren't your jolly self and you confided in him/her. Maybe he/she are M or maybe single.

Maybe he/she would not have your best interests but to just get into your pants? Most of the time it would be the guy wouldn't it? :eek:

 

So you're feeling vulnerable because you aren't happy and somebody is showing you attention. Over time one thing leads to another.

My point is. Does anybody understand this happening? It does happen right? When you are feeling this "hurt" in your current M and needs haven't been met for sometime your mind is all over the place. Your self esteem is at an all time low. This work colleague gives you much needed attention. What if he/she is married and you know it? Would the attention you are being shown cloud the knowledge of his marital status? Or would you just not care?

 

Sorry to take over the thread but maybe it is something I am trying to understand from my situation :o

Happens ALL of the time, they feed off of each others "woe is me's", find that they have things in common, confide in each other, become "connected, and VIOLA!! sex, baby, sex!!

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Since when do you folks WAY up north use the word, "Cojenes"??? :laugh:

 

Maybe some of us Way up north of the boarder speak more than one or two languages....? :p

 

I just want to through this one out..

 

You guys are in a R and M and presumably not happy for some reason or other to want or need to seek somebody else out.

There would be drastic consquences if you followed through etc etc

So you are feeling unloved, bored, taken for granted or sex starved in your current M. So your emotional/pyshical needs aren't being met.

 

Ok..so if these needs weren't being met then what if a work colleague of the opposite sex noticed you weren't your jolly self and you confided in him/her. Maybe he/she are M or maybe single.

Maybe he/she would not have your best interests but to just get into your pants? Most of the time it would be the guy wouldn't it? :eek:

 

So you're feeling vulnerable because you aren't happy and somebody is showing you attention. Over time one thing leads to another.

My point is. Does anybody understand this happening? It does happen right? When you are feeling this "hurt" in your current M and needs haven't been met for sometime your mind is all over the place. Your self esteem is at an all time low. This work colleague gives you much needed attention. What if he/she is married and you know it? Would the attention you are being shown cloud the knowledge of his marital status? Or would you just not care?

 

Sorry to take over the thread but maybe it is something I am trying to understand from my situation :o

 

 

Yup very probable and in fact I am sure this is exactly what happens in some cases where affairs happen. I think that is what happend in my case...I was not the one who was vulenrable, he was but I do recall feeling exceptionally good when I was around him due to the excessive attention this man doted upon me. It proved to be irresistible.

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Seeing as you have 3 young children to think of, maybe it's best to end your marriage before making plans to run off with the OM. End your affair with the OM. Deal with your own life, get your divorce, make the transition easier for your kids as this is going to be a living hell for them - THEN go do whatever you want.

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I agree, as a sane human being I never thought I would even be pondering this situation. Knowing a marriage is over and ending a marriage are two different things and often do not go hand in hand.

 

Pondering an affair is something that cannot be taken lightly, I'm very glad I found this forum primarily because although I can enter into a sexual affair with someone and be okay in the end, this is truly not what I want. I definitely want mind-blowing sex, but unfortunately I am a typical girl - and sex and relationships are not often separated. Sometimes I envy the boys - but not often...

 

I hear slightly different stories from the men (my MM included - work friends as well) and that's that these men are missing an emotional connection with their wife, lacking a friendship, stay in the marriage because of the children, they're the breadwinner, and so on. For them, entering into an affair seems to be the logical solution to grab what they're missing in their own marriage - usually just sex but sometimes more.

 

I find myself in a similar dynamic, the difference being that for me even a sexual relationship must have a promise for more.

 

I'd love to walk away from my marriage. The caveat is that I don't want to fight with him over the kids, the house, the money, our friends, our family, and so on. I don't want to face how badly this will hurt him, I don't want to feel responsible for hurting him. Entertaining notions to avoid this without having to do the deed seems logical, even if some things cannot be carried out in such a neat package.

 

Getting attention from someone sometimes takes the sting out of the hard work ahead. For others, it's thrilling. Unfortunately for me, no thrill, hence less desirable.

 

As far as cajones, I don't feel very brave. The brave thing to do would be to rip off the band-aid, not lurk around trying to get validation for doing something for the wrong reasons. I'm definitely not judging others, but for me it seems like I've been headed off at the pass, for good reasons.

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For me, I'm not sure if I can do the just sex thing, but my current situation is not acceptable either. I suspect that if our lives could cross sooner than mid-January, all of this angst would be irrelevant, but as you can see, I have too darn much time to think about it.

 

First off, Welcome! Here's my two cents; figure out what you want out of the A. I think this is something I still struggle with - I'm currently in a EA (emotional affair) with a work-obsessed businessman - and I struggle with the idea of a PA (physical affair) with him. The options are; a really good friend & mentor, a lover, or more than a lover (if he leaves his W). Decide what you want and then decide if an A is right for you.

 

His story: He's been married for 20 years (15 years older than me). His wife won't have sex with him (or once a month or something). He is a travelling salesman (regional manager, yadda yadda) and is on the road every weekday and home weekends. He's putting three kids through private college and has an 11 yo daughter that he'll put through as well. He is very angry at his wife for typical marriage stuff. He feels like they aren't friends and he's very lonely. His financial situation is not as secure as mine, primarily because of being 50 and in sales and that is a very ageist industry. He recently had to start his career over due to a failed business venture. He is very adept at phone sex, it's obvious that he's done it a time or two, and he proclaims to be good at pleasing the ladies - red flag? how do you be faithful to a woman who won't have sex with you but then be a Rico Suave?

 

Well, I hate to be quick to judge, but a traveling salesman has the perfect job for a serial cheater. He also must have been very smooth to 'close the deal' so to speak in only a short plane flight! I'd be wary - look for the serial cheater signs. Some signs might be; he doesn't say your name when he talks on the phone, covers up your existance somehow - by not saving your emails, phone calls, etc. If he's been caught or experienced he's going to use techniques that keep you happy, yet avoid the W from finding out.

 

BUT that being said men always like to brag about how "good" they are in bed. Its a self-esteem thing. Just think "awww the Peacock is trying to show off his feathers" it makes me laugh everytime.

 

I've already told him my marriage is over, and that if I do leave my husband it wouldn't be for him, that he's more or less a catalyst.

 

Really, it would be less messy if you left your husband before playing the field. I don't think this guy will make it easier to leave. In fact it could make it worse if your H finds out. For the kids you should want to be friends, but if you do this to him and he finds out, he will not want to be your friend and might fight you on everything - custody of the kids, money, etc.

 

So, my question is this: What am I doing? In my mind and heart, this has already occurred. Although it's not too late to back out, I definitely do not want to do that. I feel like my fears are more from loving and losing in any relationship, with the added complications. I really like this person, but I'm dealing with the typical fears associated with whether he's lying to me, whether I'm being "groomed" by being told all of the right things, etc. And, if I am entering into a purely sexual relationship, can that be all bad???

 

I ask myself these questions everyday. No simple answers really. Why? You clearly are lonely and sex-starved. He's charming and could be good in bed - or at least its sex.

 

Its not too late to back out!!! Your marrried, he's married its always acceptable to change your mind. Woman's intuition is called that for a reason if you have the feeling he is lying its probably because subtle signs have told you that he is - trust your gut.

 

Here's what I say - go to Victoria Secret, buy something sexy, take your kids to your friend's for a night, cook an amazing dinner, ligth candles and get laid by your H! You'll feel less guilty and he probably knows better what you like than this other guy.

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As far as cajones, I don't feel very brave. The brave thing to do would be to rip off the band-aid, not lurk around trying to get validation for doing something for the wrong reasons. I'm definitely not judging others, but for me it seems like I've been headed off at the pass, for good reasons.

 

 

Actually Bloom, if you were just lurking for validation to do what you know deep down is not going to solve things you would have gone through with it and cried about it later. I think there is a reason you came here and the more you share with us the more it is apparent that what you want is simply some support on how to do things right and I think that is brave.

 

The idea that your cables may be crossed now doesn't mean you utlimately want a faulty connection. ;)

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Knowing a marriage is over and ending a marriage are two different things and often do not go hand in hand.

 

But you cannot have an affair, stay married, and have your cake and eat it too. It's all on the expense of your husband, kids and family unit. That's just pure selfishness! Sorry, but either fix your marriage by being honest with your husband about how you feel and why, go to marriage counselling together and give him the opportunity to make it better (with that being said, I'm sure he has needs that aren't being met by you as well), or divorce. you two can still co-parent together on civil terms and be great parents to your kids, just not under one roof.

 

I'd love to walk away from my marriage. The caveat is that I don't want to fight with him over the kids, the house, the money, our friends, our family, and so on. I don't want to face how badly this will hurt him, I don't want to feel responsible for hurting him. Entertaining notions to avoid this without having to do the deed seems logical, even if some things cannot be carried out in such a neat package.

 

Is this a justification to stay and continue to cheat on him? Have that affair? I hope not.

 

Look, talk to your husband. You two owe it to eachother to give it your best shot, for your kids sake and the history you two share. If the OM wasn't in the picture, I doubt very much you'd be this close to leaving...The OM has had a HUGE effect on you wanting to leave.

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