what does it mean ...

[passionateconfusion]

when a man says he wants be alone?

 

I know it sounds simple and straight to the point but I guess I dont understand why anybody would want to be alone.

 

I've been on a rollercoaster with him for most of 2007. It all stemmed that he felt he needed to be more of a full time father (which he has been doing). He has been seperated for 6 years and has never divorced - more for financial reasons than anything else. After him figuring out he doesnt want to move back to the marital home things seemed to be fine. He had a few awakenings of sorts and then I brought up the future whick led him to pull away and then the arguments ensued. He wants me in his life but says he wants to be alone. Do you think the term 'dating' would passify us both - gives me a status and gives him a 'non commitment' idea in his mind?

[OWoman]

when a man says he wants be alone?

 

I know it sounds simple and straight to the point but I guess I dont understand why anybody would want to be alone.

 

passionate, I can't speak for him, but I know the times in my life I've wanted to be alone have been times I needed to reground myself, refocus on what it is I needed to do, and sometimes make some tough decisions about the future and the way ahead. Given what's been happening this past year, it could be he's looking to get a bit of distance so that he can make some choices about where - if anywhere - it's going.

 

Or it could be code - manspeak for "this is going too fast for me and I'm getting really worried it may land up somewhere I'm not ready to be".

 

Thing is, if someone needs space, it's a tough call how much space to give them, if you're still seeing a future in this and wanting it to work out eventually. Perhaps you need to negotiate terms - exactly what it is he's wanting, and see whether that's acceptable to you or not.

[passionateconfusion]

Thanks OW

 

I have stood by him through thick and thin and had asked him if he wanted me to walk away which he did not.

 

We had had a wonderful evening when he cried and told me what a good person I was, a wonderful woman, and how important I was to him. That was the night I asked about the future. I regret it now. In hindsight I look back and know it was far to soon to be asking that. He didnt want to 'label' what we were but I found it frustrating. I know he needs to figure things out I just don't want to be totally out of his life. He wants me around but on his terms which I dont like. It's tough when he does not communicate. One day at a time.

[OWoman]

Thanks OW

 

I have stood by him through thick and thin and had asked him if he wanted me to walk away which he did not.

 

We had had a wonderful evening when he cried and told me what a good person I was, a wonderful woman, and how important I was to him. That was the night I asked about the future. I regret it now. In hindsight I look back and know it was far to soon to be asking that. He didnt want to 'label' what we were but I found it frustrating. I know he needs to figure things out I just don't want to be totally out of his life. He wants me around but on his terms which I dont like. It's tough when he does not communicate. One day at a time.

 

passionate you have every right to ask about the future - it's your future too!

 

Perhaps he feels things are too intense and he needs to clear his head a little, and it's great that you're being so supportive, but he does also need to consider you in this. He needs to tell you where he's at, so that you can see where you fit in (or not). But if he's giving these ambiguous messages it's hard to know. Does he want you to back off, to chill, to be there without a label... or what? What does he want from you, do you know? Does he know?

[stampdaddy]

Thanks OW

 

I have stood by him through thick and thin and had asked him if he wanted me to walk away which he did not.

 

We had had a wonderful evening when he cried and told me what a good person I was, a wonderful woman, and how important I was to him. That was the night I asked about the future. I regret it now. In hindsight I look back and know it was far to soon to be asking that. He didnt want to 'label' what we were but I found it frustrating. I know he needs to figure things out I just don't want to be totally out of his life. He wants me around but on his terms which I dont like. It's tough when he does not communicate. One day at a time.

One day at a time is right.. I am a man, and if I were to say I needed space, chances are that I am confused about what it is I want.. If I need space, then give me space, and I will figure "something" out. If I start missing you (missing YOU, not missing sex) then I will start to come back and focus on what I am missing and re-commit myself with an open heart and mind and things will begin to blossom... If I don't, well then....

[Lizzie60]

From what I read I think he means he wants to 'date' you forever... meaning he doesn't, for now, want to live with you..

 

To be honest, I can't blame him... eventhough I'm sure that's not what you want.. a lot of people wants to give their children all the attention they need therefore they have no room for serious commitment.

 

For me.. that's the best arrangement, each their own house ...only get together when it accommodate both...

[passionateconfusion]

passionate you have every right to ask about the future - it's your future too!

 

Perhaps he feels things are too intense and he needs to clear his head a little, and it's great that you're being so supportive, but he does also need to consider you in this. He needs to tell you where he's at, so that you can see where you fit in (or not). But if he's giving these ambiguous messages it's hard to know. Does he want you to back off, to chill, to be there without a label... or what? What does he want from you, do you know? Does he know?

 

No, I don't think he really knows. He has said I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with anybody. He has not had luck in the relationship/marriage department and I think he is really scared. I have treated him like no woman has and that can be overwhelming. I think I scared him when I gave him all his things from my place and said enough is enough. After cooler heads have prevailed I will see him on boxing day.

[passionateconfusion]

One day at a time is right.. I am a man, and if I were to say I needed space, chances are that I am confused about what it is I want.. If I need space, then give me space, and I will figure "something" out. If I start missing you (missing YOU, not missing sex) then I will start to come back and focus on what I am missing and re-commit myself with an open heart and mind and things will begin to blossom... If I don't, well then....

 

He mentioned something about not having sex which I have to admit concerned me. We have brilliant sex and now he doesnt want it - we have done this before where we have gone to a friend level and it doesnt work, it frustrates us both. I think right now we have to forgive eachother - he didnt acknowledge our year together in word or action which upset me to no end considering I gave him a beautiful (his words) watch just prior to commemerate. He said he would treasure it - my response was keep the watch and treasure me.

[Tomcat33]

He mentioned something about not having sex which I have to admit concerned me. We have brilliant sex and now he doesnt want it - we have done this before where we have gone to a friend level and it doesnt work, it frustrates us both. I think right now we have to forgive eachother - he didnt acknowledge our year together in word or action which upset me to no end considering I gave him a beautiful (his words) watch just prior to commemerate. He said he would treasure it - my response was keep the watch and treasure me.

 

 

meaning....he wants to stop having sex?

[stampdaddy]

He mentioned something about not having sex which I have to admit concerned me. We have brilliant sex and now he doesnt want it - we have done this before where we have gone to a friend level and it doesnt work, it frustrates us both. I think right now we have to forgive eachother - he didnt acknowledge our year together in word or action which upset me to no end considering I gave him a beautiful (his words) watch just prior to commemerate. He said he would treasure it - my response was keep the watch and treasure me.

Good one... I can't speculate where he is, sorry.. Be careful, cause no one else on here can either... ONLY HE can tell you where he is at, WHEN he himself figures it out.. Helpless feeling, I know, but you must be good to yourself and keep your chin up..

[stampdaddy]

meaning....he wants to stop having sex?

I don't want to stop having sex, do you want to stop having sex? Who wants to stop having sex??

[passionateconfusion]

meaning....he wants to stop having sex?

 

I believe he is equating the sex with commitment. I think we just need to define what is comfortable for both of us. My source of frustration is that he keeps on making decisions without any regard for me.

[passionateconfusion]

Good one... I can't speculate where he is, sorry.. Be careful, cause no one else on here can either... ONLY HE can tell you where he is at, WHEN he himself figures it out.. Helpless feeling, I know, but you must be good to yourself and keep your chin up..

 

Thanks and my chin is up. I am reading 'relationships by john gray' and chapter one sounds pretty accurate. I'll see what happens on Wednesday when we see eachother.

[smileysmile]

I agree with Lizzie.

I am in that boat with a lovely girl. She is 35 with a 5 yr old daughter and we both have our own houses. We have only seen each other about 8 times and she seems to be falling for me big time and I know I am going to break her heart as I am still raw over the breakup of my M. I have my arm around her when we watch tv but inside my head I am saying WHAT AM I DOING HERE!? My stomach is churning over and over thinking of my ex and 12 mth old daughter and that I should be THERE and not here.

You will be surprised what goes around in a fellas head when he is in this position. I know it isn't fair on the person you are with.

You like there company and subconsciously it is killing time. Doesn't sound nice and I hate myself for it. Maybe I might come out of this phase someday. In my heart I pine for my ex and child to be as a family again. For my ex to forgive the hurt I caused her. But I know its little to late and she won't come back but when I see her to pick my daughter up it kills me inside.

I see this lady sometimes twice a week. We have been to the cinema once and for a drink. I met her on a dating site as I have given up hope of reconcilation. But a tiny bit still holds out. When you have children and you don't see them at bedtimes and in the morning when they wake up it hurts. Of course I feel the same for my ex.

When comes out of a R leaving a family behind for whatever reason they never forget and it always plays on there mind and this has an effect on the new R. You can never read completely what he is thinking and his actions aren't always sincere so you can't look into them seriously. Although they aren't there to intentionally hurt you. I am speaking what I am feeling and I know that the lady I see is going to be hurt. And maybe I should cool it as I am still grieving Maybe she is my comfort blanket.

If I were to be fully involved with her and then met up her daughter, I seriously don't think I could keep it up as I am there with some other mans daughter when mine is with another man. Its not right and I would eventually crack up!

[passionateconfusion]

I don't want to stop having sex, do you want to stop having sex? Who wants to stop having sex??

 

I dont want to stop having sex ... I have a wonderful toy but gee's give me flesh ...lol

[stampdaddy]

I dont want to stop having sex ... I have a wonderful toy but gee's give me flesh ...lol

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:laugh::lmao:

[passionateconfusion]

I agree with Lizzie.

I am in that boat with a lovely girl. She is 35 with a 5 yr old daughter and we both have our own houses. We have only seen each other about 8 times and she seems to be falling for me big time and I know I am going to break her heart as I am still raw over the breakup of my M. I have my arm around her when we watch tv but inside my head I am saying WHAT AM I DOING HERE!? My stomach is churning over and over thinking of my ex and 12 mth old daughter and that I should be THERE and not here.

You will be surprised what goes around in a fellas head when he is in this position. I know it isn't fair on the person you are with.

You like there company and subconsciously it is killing time. Doesn't sound nice and I hate myself for it. Maybe I might come out of this phase someday. In my heart I pine for my ex and child to be as a family again. For my ex to forgive the hurt I caused her. But I know its little to late and she won't come back but when I see her to pick my daughter up it kills me inside.

I see this lady sometimes twice a week. We have been to the cinema once and for a drink. I met her on a dating site as I have given up hope of reconcilation. But a tiny bit still holds out. When you have children and you don't see them at bedtimes and in the morning when they wake up it hurts. Of course I feel the same for my ex.

When comes out of a R leaving a family behind for whatever reason they never forget and it always plays on there mind and this has an effect on the new R. You can never read completely what he is thinking and his actions aren't always sincere so you can't look into them seriously. Although they aren't there to intentionally hurt you. I am speaking what I am feeling and I know that the lady I see is going to be hurt. And maybe I should cool it as I am still grieving Maybe she is my comfort blanket.

If I were to be fully involved with her and then met up her daughter, I seriously don't think I could keep it up as I am there with some other mans daughter when mine is with another man. Its not right and I would eventually crack up!

 

Thanks Smiley - that is what we went through over the summer. He was spending time with the wife but realized that there is no love/sex there. So he has decided not to move back. He is a man of extremes and right now he is spending most of his time with the kids. I think a lot of it has to do with the guilt he feels about leaving in the first place. He has come to realize that they are people as funny as that sounds. I guess it's all a journey one that I am going to walk with him. He hates talking about this and forcing him to do it makes him angry and upset.

 

I certainly pray a lot. I pray that he finds himself not that we end up happily ever after. I love the man with every fibre of my being and I just want him to be happy with himself. If he doesnt find that we will never be happy.

[Tomcat33]

I believe he is equating the sex with commitment. I think we just need to define what is comfortable for both of us. My source of frustration is that he keeps on making decisions without any regard for me.

 

 

 

hmmm interesting, I am not sure what to make of that I do have a few things come to mind but they are just my speculation...

 

he wants to cut out sex and keep the friendship in case he made a mistake and still wants you back. It doesn't work that way though...

 

On the second part of your post:

 

I hear you on the "him making decisions" without considering you, afterall you are both in this relationship not just him. This is what used to drive me crazy in my relationship with my ex because he got used to being the "star of the show" since he was the one that needed to make certain decisions it all pretty much revolved around what he wanted when he wanted it and how he dealt with things in a manner that was hurful to me due to the "circumstances".

So what needs to happen is you need to take that power back Passionate, you can take that power back by telling him "I don't want this anymore until WE figure out what we want. There will be no more half relationship nonsense, you have your space and I have mine and if in time we feel like we have to be together we reconvene in time, otherwise this is going nowhere and this is not working for me." But you have to be prepared to walk....

 

Only then will you gain control of the sitatuon Passionate, until you do this you are giving him all the power to be the "star of the show" It may have been the case in the begining because he was the married one and he was the one who needed to make some decisions but now you are beyond that he can't think that he runs the show alone, if that's the case then tell him:

 

"you know what? you are better off alone in a relationship with yourself, there is no room for me in this tringle of you + you, and me."

Edited December 23, 2007 by Tomcat33

[passionateconfusion]

hmmm interesting, I am not sure what to make of that I do have a few things come to mind but they are just my speculation...

 

he wants to cut out sex and keep the friendship in case he made a mistake and still wants you back. It doesn't work that way though...

 

On the second part of your post:

 

I hear you on the "him making decisions" without considering you, afterall you are both in this relationship not just him. This is what used to drive me crazy in my relationship with my ex because he got used to being the "star of the show" since he was the one that needed to make certain decisions it all pretty much revolved around what he wanted when he wanted it and how he dealt with things in a manner that was hurful to me due to the "circumstances".

So what needs to happen is you need to take that power back Passionate, you can take that power back by telling him "I don't want this anymore until WE figure out what we want. There will be no more half relationship nonsense, you have your space and I have mine and if in time we feel like we have to be together we reconvene in time, otherwise this is going nowhere and this is not working for me." But you have to be prepared to walk....

 

Only then will you gain control of the sitatuon Passionate, until you do this you are giving him all the power to be the "star of the show" It may have been the case in the begining because he was the married one and he was the one who needed to make some decisions but now you are beyond that he can't think that he runs the show alone, if that's the case then tell him:

 

"you know what? you are better off alone in a relationship with yourself, there is no room for me in this tringle of you + you, and me."

 

 

I thought I was ready to walk - in a fit of anger I told him I never wanted to see him again. I have never gotten angry with him and in the past few weeks he has seen a side of me he has never seen. He knows how much I love him and I almost feel like he has taken advantage of that. He gives just enough.

 

I can't walk away. I really thought I could. We need understanding, I need to understand why he wants to be alone. With Christmas approaching I know he has been busy and had a lot to do I told him that I understood that he was feeling overwhelmed but rather than pushing me away he could have just said the next few weeks are going to be so busy and I wont see you as much as I want to - that is all he needed to say ...

[smileysmile]

well you must love him to want to stick with it.

As long as kids are involved he will never get over it.

Men/fathers aren't all b*stards. We have feelings which are pent up inside. It is very very hard for us when we are separated from our family/kids.

Men/husbands get complacent to the extent that they lose there family and they regret the consquences forever. They know they have to plod on with there life wherever it may take them but they made there bed and they have to lay in it. I guess I am talking about myself and from what I have learnt over the years of other men.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side in most cases.

I wouldn't want to see this lady every day or night. I don't want to meet her parents or daughter. Not yet anyway. I am not in that right place.

And I don't think I ever will unless I get closure of my previous R/M.

I think its just company for me. With an attractive/intelligent/normal young lady.

I am not sure about the man in question here how he came to separate from his spouse and family.

[stampdaddy]

hmmm interesting, I am not sure what to make of that I do have a few things come to mind but they are just my speculation...

 

he wants to cut out sex and keep the friendship in case he made a mistake and still wants you back. It doesn't work that way though...

 

On the second part of your post:

 

I hear you on the "him making decisions" without considering you, afterall you are both in this relationship not just him. This is what used to drive me crazy in my relationship with my ex because he got used to being the "star of the show" since he was the one that needed to make certain decisions it all pretty much revolved around what he wanted when he wanted it and how he dealt with things in a manner that was hurful to me due to the "circumstances".

So what needs to happen is you need to take that power back Passionate, you can take that power back by telling him "I don't want this anymore until WE figure out what we want. There will be no more half relationship nonsense, you have your space and I have mine and if in time we feel like we have to be together we reconvene in time, otherwise this is going nowhere and this is not working for me." But you have to be prepared to walk....

 

Only then will you gain control of the sitatuon Passionate, until you do this you are giving him all the power to be the "star of the show" It may have been the case in the begining because he was the married one and he was the one who needed to make some decisions but now you are beyond that he can't think that he runs the show alone, if that's the case then tell him:

 

"you know what? you are better off alone in a relationship with yourself, there is no room for me in this tringle of you + you, and me."

 

How are things TC??

[passionateconfusion]

well you must love him to want to stick with it.

As long as kids are involved he will never get over it.

Men/fathers aren't all b*stards. We have feelings which are pent up inside. It is very very hard for us when we are separated from our family/kids.

Men/husbands get complacent to the extent that they lose there family and they regret the consquences forever. They know they have to plod on with there life wherever it may take them but they made there bed and they have to lay in it. I guess I am talking about myself and from what I have learnt over the years of other men.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side in most cases.

I wouldn't want to see this lady every day or night. I don't want to meet her parents or daughter. Not yet anyway. I am not in that right place.

And I don't think I ever will unless I get closure of my previous R/M.

I think its just company for me. With an attractive/intelligent/normal young lady.

I am not sure about the man in question here how he came to separate from his spouse and family.

 

I understand that his children are important to him - it was me that said they should be his first priority. He has said that I motivated him to want and become a better man. When it comes to his children he has. He was seeing them when we met but now it is at least 5 days a week.He still wants his own space though. In many ways he is rather reclusive, doesn't like going out too much etc. With his extreme ways I almost feel that he is coming on full tilt for now and then it will balance out when he figures himself out.

 

Keep posting - I like what you have to say.

[frannie]

when a man says he wants be alone?

 

I know it sounds simple and straight to the point but I guess I dont understand why anybody would want to be alone.

 

... what we went through over the summer. He was spending time with the wife but realized that there is no love/sex there. So he has decided not to move back. He is a man of extremes and right now he is spending most of his time with the kids. I think a lot of it has to do with the guilt he feels about leaving in the first place.

 

I thought I was ready to walk - in a fit of anger I told him I never wanted to see him again.

 

We need understanding, I need to understand why he wants to be alone.

 

Hello PC.

 

There might be a lot of reasons why he needs some space, as you say guilt and just indecision, fear of committing again could easily explain it.

 

From what you say he's a man who needs to experience something in order to know what he wants. You say he spent time with his W and then decided being there wasn't what he wanted. Now he probably needs more time, perhaps alone, to see if that's what he wants.

 

Probably what is going on is that seeing you, and you asking about the future IS throwing him into confusion and indecision. Perhaps he hasn't grieved the end of his marriage enough, or whatever. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have done it or have no rights to ask, or are pushing him too hard, just that you're keen to get on and want to know where you stand and he's not quite on the same page, because of what he's experienced.

 

Now, I think you are obviously anxious, needing answers from him. Just at the moment he probably can't give them, probably can't explain WHY he needs to be alone. Probably pushing him for answers is making it worse. But I understand your fretful feelings because I'm going through something similar.

 

It is HARD to just back off and give someone space, without asking for reassurances oneself. But it's really what is needed. Otherwise you will push him away

 

The thing to do, I think, is to concentrate on yourself and try not to focus on him too much. I know it sounds impossible, because you want a future with him... But if you really back off, you'll be surprised, I think, at how he'll make small steps towards you when he's ready...

[passionateconfusion]

Thanks Frannie.

 

It's a comfort to know there is somebody going through the same type of experience. For me, being alone is not a place I want to be.

[smileysmile]

you see if I could turn back the clock I would have tried harder in my M.

You don't think of it at the time.

Family is what counts. You loved that person to marry them and you have a bond between you that is sacred. The kids.

We men are sometimes pathetic in our actions. We hurt the one(s) we are suppose to love and cherish.

I know in my head there is a raging pain that won't go away even when I try and get busy. Like last night with this lady who come over to watch tv and a pizza. She loves my company. She would be a good catch for anybody. But the right girl but wrong time though I can't say it to her.

 

She keeps me sane at the moment as I am always whingeing about not seeing my daughter enough as well as a loss of not seeing her at other times. Though I am also hurting for the breakdown of my M and family unit. She was in 10 yr R up until 3 yrs ago and was hurt by her ex. Took her a whole yr before dating again. But she is well over it and her ex (although he went into a 2 yr R with another woman) now wants her back. lol so funny.

Even we are laughing last night at a comedy programme on tv last night eating pizza looking relaxed. And there after she layed her legs across mine inside my head unbeknown to her the pain of what was my ex doing now right now? Who has she got at the house? Is she still seeing that guy who she used to work with? I even drove past her house after dropping off my lady friend off last night. Her lights were off and I guess she had an early night as the night before was her xmas party. Also she has our daughter and can be a handful at that age.

But last Friday I drove past late at night and a brand new BMW was parked behind hers. I knew it was OM.

Gawd, the pain in my chest was unbearable.

I just couldn't help myself. And so this isn't fair on my lady friend. So gawd knows what is going through your fellows head. Because he isn't going to be 100% truthful with you.

And you can't believe all what he says. It is all in his actions. If you think his actions aren't what you would expect then his mind his elsewhere which isn't healthy for you