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I'm totally STUCK!!


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Its been a while since I started a thread. I feel I need to as I just need to offload. I feel completely stuck. Literally its like ground hog day in my head.

 

Its now been 4 weeks since I spoke to him. I get that its over. I get that he loves his wife. I get that I'll never see him again. What I dont get is the fact that it still hurts so much. I think it must be as I am STILL going round in circles asking WHY WHY WHY. I know I'll never get the answers for him, but untill I can some how make sense of what happened and all those lies I think I am going to stay stuck.

 

He is the last thing on my mind as I got to sleep and the first when I wake up. Sometimes I lie wake at night unable to sleep. Its like I am reliving every night together, conversation and text between us with my new fantastic reality glasses. GIVE ME BACK THE ROSE TINTED ONES!

 

Why does a man have an affair if he never wants to see the woman. Even if its just for sex? Whats the point? Why didnt he just pretend to go away climbing and not be in touch - why did he pretend to be somebody else and keep texting me? Why on earth did he want me to think he was dead? TWICE????? WHY???

 

Somtimes I read other peoples threads on LS and find myself in my head thinking in a black and white way - a clear simple way. I am trying to do this for myself with my ex. But I struggle. Badly. Is it just as simple as MM was having a fantasy life and I was part of it? His wife did say it was his "dream" to climb everest - was I part of a fantasy? Did he create that life so we would have someting to talk about? I guess he could hardly tell me about his Real life could he?

 

I'm sorry to be still droing on about this. But I just dont get it. I really dont.And I do read over my posts of old - but I needed to talk. Thanks

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child_of_isis

Oh wow! "corrupted data"...too bad. I thought we were fixing to make a break through. Were you able to read my post replying to your "he's being a good husband" thought process?

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COI - yes - I have given that some thought.

 

I do think this is why I'm stuck, well apart from the fact that its horrible recovering from so may lies. . .but I do still think he is being a good husband as he has thrown me under the bus in order to work on his M.

 

I also think that its just me he is able to treat badly and still have me think of him as a good man. I did start a thread a wee while ago asking if folk thought he was a serial cheater or if this with me was a one off - I was thinking he has done it before etc - but interestingly a response from one of the male posters made me realise that I have my doubts about that after all and I think I may have been his first porper affair if you like. It could be seen as irrelevant if he is a serial cheater or not - but if I knew he was one I would be more inclined to think of him as the lying scum bag he was to me.

 

What you posted helped me - it helps to think of it as saving his own ass etc - and that he will be at it again. . . .it helps me remind myself that I should be glad I am not his wife rather than being envious of her and their rosey marriage I have in my head.

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ICallsEmAsISeesEm

I'm starting to think you suffer from Stockholm Syndrome or something. That's when a VICTIM becomes enamoured with their ABUSER/KIDNAPPER.

 

I simply can't wrap my brain around the fact that not only do you NOT despise this pig for all the LIES, DECEIT, MANIPULATION and CONNING he's done to you, but you actually LOVE him and MISS him.

 

I simply can't comprehend this. I can't.

 

Are you in therapy?

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I always get a bit nervous when I see a post from you I call em - no I am not in therpay. I did give it serious thought, but I chose not to as I didnt feel strong enough at the moment to deal with this and all the other things that therpay would likely throw up for me.

 

I dont miss the real man - I dont know him from adam - nor do I love that man. I miss and care for the man I thought he was. I know logically that he is not a nice man, but I still think he is being a good man to his wife seeing as he is now working on his M.

 

I am trying to move on, but do admit that I'm stuck, hence my post. If I could erase the fantasy Marraige he has with his wife from my mind I may get along a bit better. I have taken the kind caring man I thought he was and placed him back with his wife.Maybe there is something wrong with me?

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I am trying to move on, but do admit that I'm stuck, hence my post. If I could erase the fantasy Marraige he has with his wife from my mind I may get along a bit better. I have taken the kind caring man I thought he was and placed him back with his wife.Maybe there is something wrong with me?

 

I know you've been reading some threads in the Infidelity section - have you read any written by wives who are suspicious or have discovered their husbands are cheating? If so, then you KNOW that his marriage is not the fantasy you have created in your head!

 

Let me draw a different image for you to consider instead of the one you are focusing on:

His anxious wife has been working hard to take care of their kids and the household, and make sure the bills are paid, but money's tight and with the leaking roof and the recent car repairs, it doesn't look like they'll have a lot to spend on gifts this year. Hubby has been going out to a lot of bars for drinks with his mates lately, and that hasn't been helping their money situation. Plus he's been so distracted and distant this past year, and hasn't been paying attention to either her or the kids very much. She's been lonely and exhausted and crying every week at all the arguments at home. He blows up every time she says anything about him maybe staying home instead of going drinking with his mates, and every time she asks him to watch his own kids while she tries to take a breather and go out herself. Their sex life has turned dismal. It seems the only time he ever touches her is when he wants to get off - there's no romance or flirting or affection, he seems to just use her and then he's done. She tries to talk to him about it, but he keeps telling her she's crazy and to get off his back.

 

To top it off, the cell phone bill came in and was astronomical with all these texts he's sending to some unfamiliar number. She questions him about it and his story about a new friend who's going through a rough time just doesn't add up. He has a tendency to be secretive about his actions, and she's caught him in lies before, so she calls the number and talks to imstunned, some woman who seems to know her husband all too well and who tells her that he has been spinning some story about mountain climbing to impress her! WTF? Is he cheating???! How could he do that to her, to the kids??? Imstunned didn't say they were having sex, but why the hundreds of texts? What is going on?? Has he fallen for this other woman? Does he love her?

 

She confronts hubby and he keeps spinning his stories. She doesn't really believe him, and is devastated to find out he's been having this flirtation or affair with another woman, but since they both say they never had sex, maybe she caught on in time to stop it from progressing to a physical affair. Still, she's hurt beyond belief, and her heart is broken, and she's angry, and she's ready to kick him out of the house and divorce him. But he's the father of her children and they're too young to disrupt their lives and she still loves him even though she's realizing she made a huge mistake in marrying him.

 

He doesn't fancy living in a broken-down one room apartment while sending most of his income to an ex-wife for alimony and child support, and he doesn't want his family to know he's a cheater and a failure, nor does he want to admit to himself he's a cheater and a failure, so he begs her not to kick him out. He promises to cut off all contact with imstunned and to re-commit to his wife and children.

 

With a heavy heart, his wife agrees to give him another chance, but her trust is in tatters and she's less attracted to him than ever before. She doubts every word he says and she has to keep checking his email and phone to see if he's living up to his promises. He's angrier than ever before because he's on a short leash now and the arguments between them are worse than before, and it's hard to pretend things are fine in front of the kids. Still, those kids are the light and joy of her life, so if she has to suck this up and force herself to accept her dog of a husband so they can have a daddy at home, she'll do it. Christmas this year is awash in tears and anger and anxiety and sorrow, but maybe if they can make it through, the new year might be less painful...

 

Does that really sound like happy families to you? Or does that sound like a life of desperation? Doesn't that sound more realistic to you than your vision of their lives right now?

Edited by norajane
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Do they give those out for message board posts? :lmao:

They should consider it after what you wrote.. Kind of put things in perspective for me as well...

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Imstunned what you are feeling is totally normal, and four weeks is a short time to not be greiving a break up. Any breakup takes a lot of time to get over but it's like I have always said about As and that is, it is worse than a normal breakup because in a normal breakup you see the end coming (typically) and your emotionally worn down and not as in love as you once were and so the breakup is hard for the simple fact that you are changing the pattern of familiarity but your heart is not in that "in love" stage anymore. In an A however you are changing the familiar patter PLUS you have to cope with shutting your heart off to someone you still feel in love with. It is is the epitome of the anticlimax, so of course you will be feeling so messed up when it ends so abruptly.

 

You know ImS some people who enter into affairs are not evil they are just confused they are just messed up and try to fix a problem by creating a bigger problem only to find out it was too much for them to handle. They don't mean to rip your heart out and walk all over it, even though inevitably they do, they are just very confused individuals. Some of these cheaters mean what they say when they are in the moment when they are living the moments with you and wish in their minds they could live up to the fantasy they imagine in their heads but when faced with their home reality it becomes a lot tougher and they have to shut that illusion down.

 

And it's like NJ depicted in her little story, they don't go back to a happy home and family as if nothing while you suffer alone. Both the cheater and the BS are tormented by their new reality and they have a LOT of work ahead of them in order to recover from the affair so it's not like a cheater chose the best situation for him and he lives happily ever after, NOT AT ALL. The happily ever after can happend but it will take a LOT to get there, PLUS he has to deal with suffering in silence the loss of not having you there anymore something he can never come clean about to his W if he is in therapy. He will do his best to win her trust back and give her what she needs but his skeletons stay in the closet and do you know how traumatic and it must be for him to have to suffer all this inside his head alone AND have the ordeal of having to win his family back as well? You on the other hand have your space and your freedom to recover on your own at your own pace. (you are not a MW correct?)

Unless the man you were involved with was a total monster or a human being, he too has to deal with his emotions even though he may not show you this he is suffering in silence and it is NOT easy for him either. So don't be so quick to entertain these fanatasies that he is great while you are suffering because he is not.

 

My ex said this to me when we ended things and now it makes so much sense, "you have the illusion of something new a new begining new hopes and illusions for a totally exciting new future, I on the other hand don't" And it is true, though you may not see that now because you are still so in love with him in time you will realise that you do have so many possibilities at your finger tips and it's a matter of time until you make it happen. They are left with trying to deal with the unresolved issues they had BEFORE the affair happend PLUS all the terrible aftermath the A caused, now you tell me who is better off Imstunned?

And it's not a competition but you really need to gain some prespective right now because all the negative fantasies you are endulging in right now are not rational, but you can't see that while you are in it.

 

Anyway you will go in circles in your head you will go back and forth and quite frankly it probably won't change in the next couple of months. BUT in time it does get easier and all that back and forth is going to bring you clarity and assurance as to why things happened as they did and you will find your own truths in order to help you along and grow from all of this.

 

I am living proof that time works wonders. I look back and can remember all my pain and suffering but it doesn't feel so vivid anymore and I know that it was very raw possibly the worst break-up pain that I have had to endure in all of my romantic life experience but it doesn't feel so vivid anymore. I guess that is the true sign that you are healing if not healed. I look forward to your feeling the same in time, as I am sure you will.

 

Make no mind to the garbage people post on here trying to "lable" your experience with irrelevant medical terms to a condition that is very much a normal reaction to a traumatic situation and not a pathology like some would like you to believe.

 

Those who can't empathise, critise. ;)

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Unless the man you were involved with was a total monster

 

He's pretty close to that, IMO, TC. The man pretended to imstunned that he was dying or dead, more than once, even knowing that she lost a child. That makes him an evil monster in my book.

 

That's not to say he doesn't have feelings of his own, but they are just that - selfish feelings about himself and his wants and needs. He does not seem capable of sympathy or empathy for other people.

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He's pretty close to that, IMO, TC. The man pretended to imstunned that he was dying or dead, more than once, even knowing that she lost a child. That makes him an evil monster in my book.

 

 

 

What?? how do you pretend you are dead? :laugh:

Sorry this last bit of info just floored me. Really?

 

Some people will go to crazy extents to cover up for their cowardice nature.

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What?? how do you pretend you are dead? :laugh:

Sorry this last bit of info just floored me. Really?

 

Some people will go to crazy extents to cover up for their cowardice nature.

 

Yep, he had a 'friend' text her from a 'mountain top' telling her he was in bad straights in the ice and snow and was dying, dead, etc. Then he showed up again all safe and sound.

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Yep, he had a 'friend' text her from a 'mountain top' telling her he was in bad straights in the ice and snow and was dying, dead, etc. Then he showed up again all safe and sound.

That's crazy talk, woman!

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child_of_isis

You hit the nail on the head here.

 

She can't wrap her head around it either.

 

That seems to be the one of the problems. I think maybe it is also the transition from innocent to innocence lost. Some of us get there with a series of events. And over time.

 

This one was thrown in one fell swoop.

I simply can't wrap my brain around the fact that not only do you NOT despise this pig for all the LIES, DECEIT, MANIPULATION and CONNING he's done to you, but you actually LOVE him and MISS him.
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child_of_isis

Did he actually have any choice? Even in his psycho pea brain, he has to have known that he went over and above the average lying.

 

Nobody in their right mind would think they could go back to a person after the whoppers he told you.

 

And the good husband tag that you have given him is a crock.

 

He is petrified of you due to his wife not having the full story. Which means that he is still lying to her.

 

That is not working on the marriage. That is not being a good husband.

. . .but I do still think he is being a good husband as he has thrown me under the bus in order to work on his M. .
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Thank you all again for repying to me.

 

Nora jane - that has given me food for thought. I have been in a relationship that lasted 7 years. before the split things were very very bad. I know how hard it can be in a long term relationship - and I know how horrible the arguments must be. I dont know why I really think that their relationship is so fantastic. If it was he wouldnt have cheated would he? I think its just because I am envious of it. I envy her for been married to him. Crazy I know. But I will bear in mind all that you said next time I'm imaginging them snuggling up in bed together or smooching by their christmas tree. It literally makes me feel sick.

 

Thanks for your post TC - I dont know if he will be thinking of me or not - but your words brought me some comfort. I probably am the lucky one in that I'm not in the same unhappy situation that caused him to have an affair. . .I'm single and at least have a chance to be happy I hope.

 

COI - you are totally right - I cannot get my head around it all either, and thats partly why I'm stuck. I still ask my poor mum "why do you think he wanted me to think he was dead?" Even now I'm still asking that one over and over. Hell = he didnt have an answer for me when I asked him - if he dosent know why then its pointless me trying to figure it out, but still I do!!

 

Its weird - when I figured he was married he kept up the climbing bull, its like he didnt mind so much that I had figured he was married etc but he couldnt drop the pretence of being away = and I confronted him about it several times in that last week before he got busted by his wife and he INSISTED he WAS away. Maybe he never expected it all to go as far as it did in that on our first "date" he probably hadnt anticiapted becoming as involved as he did.

 

I know he is still lying to his wife and I know that she dosent know the half of it and also dosent seem to be aware of what her husband is capable of. But perhpas she would leave if she knew the truth and as he loves her he dosent want to loose her, so he puts this mistake (i.e ME) behind him and works on his relationship with the wife.

 

In every contact we had since she found out (all instigated by me) he kept saying "I need to make things work at home" - "I need and want to work things out with wife" He even said that if he ever came back to me it would just be for sex and its not necessarily that he wouldnt want that but he needs and wants to make things work at home.

 

I kind of feel that I need the penny to frop. I feel like I'm just not "getting" it, and its frustrating the hell out of me. Still, it will take me as long as it takes. Only last night I was out in the area we met and I was telling two friends of a firend briefly about the whole thing - they couldnt believe their ears. They said I bet you dont trust anyone now - And I said "your not kidding". My friend said she has trust issues as she has been dumped after 3 weeks by text. Not exactly the same is it??

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I can only hope that its the fact that its christmas tomooorw thats making me feel like I'm loosing the plot. All I can think of is what he has bought her for chrsitmas - what he has bought his kids etc.

 

Its hellish. If its true that what goes around come around or Karma or whatever - then I hope the future sees him climb everest but has him trapped in a snow storm in the death zone with frost nip and that his Kn*b freezes off.

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I can only hope that its the fact that its christmas tomooorw thats making me feel like I'm loosing the plot. All I can think of is what he has bought her for chrsitmas - what he has bought his kids etc.

 

He brought his wife an agony of doubt, mistrust, anger, pain, insecurity, and the knowledge that her husband is a big, fat, LIAR with a fantasy life of mountaineering and cheating. A bottle of perfume isn't going to make up for her tears, and I think you know it. You really must stop with your fantasies of their little holiday home.

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I dont know why I really think that their relationship is so fantastic. If it was he wouldnt have cheated would he? I think its just because I am envious of it. I envy her for been married to him. Crazy I know. But I will bear in mind all that you said next time I'm imaginging them snuggling up in bed together or smooching by their christmas tree. It literally makes me feel sick.

 

I know he is still lying to his wife and I know that she dosent know the half of it and also dosent seem to be aware of what her husband is capable of. But perhpas she would leave if she knew the truth and as he loves her he dosent want to loose her, so he puts this mistake (i.e ME) behind him and works on his relationship with the wife.

 

In every contact we had since she found out (all instigated by me) he kept saying "I need to make things work at home" - "I need and want to work things out with wife" He even said that if he ever came back to me it would just be for sex and its not necessarily that he wouldnt want that but he needs and wants to make things work at home.

 

All I can think of is what he has bought her for chrsitmas - what he has bought his kids etc.

 

Hello again imstunned... hope you're having a good Christmas!

 

As usual I've snipped and bolded to draw attention to some of the things you're saying, and here come the questions... Do you think he really loves her if he's lying to her? Do you think his lying to her is OK? Do you think that he needs to make things work at home for her, or for himself? Is it about HER, or is it about HIM?

 

Do you really think that you are 'the mistake', when his friend sat down next to you and told you not to get involved with him because he is trouble? He's trouble, coming from a friend..? Do you think that might be an indication of his character... not a single faux pas, but a lifetime of bad decisions and letting his wife down?

 

Of course he needs to make things work at home, because it's his bolt-hole. Not because of the lovely presents he'll buy her, the romance of it all, and the happy, loving Christmas he's spending there today.. That's just a nonsense and a joke, signified by the words of his own friend.

 

But really, at the end of it all imstunned, you have to ask yourself why you are buying into this story of love you will never have, a Christmas you cannot be part of, snuggling together that you're excluded from...

 

... all that CAN be yours with someone... don't you believe it..?

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nora jane and Frannie- thanks for your replies. You both show great patience with still posting to me.

 

I totally hear what you are both saying, but I still cant get that picture out of my head, no matter how hard I try. Yes she knows he lied - but she dosent know the truth, so she dosent know he cheated. Its Christmas - when you still miss the man you thought was your boyfriend its hard not to find this time of the year hard. Today has been horrible. he has been in my thoughts all day, I was on edge, jumping at every text! I'll be glad when its over.

 

I know that its not great that he is lying to his wife, but there are many posts on here where the WS lies to the BS and they still love them. I'm sure its about saving his onw ass, but he must love her. He said he did. If he didnt he could have said to me that he was staying becasue of the kids or something - anything!!

 

This is simply the most painful thing I have ever had to go through in my romantic life and I'm sick of hurting over it, sick of thinking about it. I just want all these thoughts and feeings to vanish, but I know they wont, and that I'm in it for the long haul.

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Hey,

 

This is the worst time of year for all that happened to you.

 

Just bear that in mind.

 

It'll get better, but for now just get drunk or something.

 

Ariadne

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He doesn't fancy living in a broken-down one room apartment while sending most of his income to an ex-wife for alimony and child support, and he doesn't want his family to know he's a cheater and a failure, nor does he want to admit to himself he's a cheater and a failure, so he begs her not to kick him out. He promises to cut off all contact with imstunned and to re-commit to his wife and children.

 

And ain't this the truth with SO many of them! Still, it doesn't make things any easier to understand for us idiots that are left unfortunately! ;)

 

ImStunned, your exMM is a different story altogether as he was living a fantasy life with you. This must be so hard for you to get over and I totally understand that you are grieving someone who never really existed, as such. I hope you've managed to get through the rest of Christmas ok and that 2008 is a much happier year for you.

 

BTW, excellent scenario NoraJane and SO true. I often wonder what was said in my exMMs house when DDay arrived, what BS he fed her, and what things are like now......I will never know.

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