KnownTruth Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 I am curious to know if anyone's MM has left their W's for them, the OW? I guess I am seeing if there is hope out there for the OW....... Link to post Share on other sites
nashua Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 I am curious to know if anyone's MM has left their W's for them, the OW? I guess I am seeing if there is hope out there for the OW....... mine did. and we've been together over 3 years now! We have an unusual love as i am significantly younger than he and the odds have not been in our favor double time! But we prevail and the jaws of all those who didn't believe in us are dropping left and right! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 I am curious to know if anyone's MM has left their W's for them, the OW? I guess I am seeing if there is hope out there for the OW....... My partner is going through the process (D) right now...I'm not going to go into more details, but it does happen... He is my partner in every way and he is a good person...(Didn't always make the best choices, he's human just like we all are, but he is a good person at heart.) I don't know if I would call it hope, but it does happen...Depends on the people involved and the R... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 I am curious to know if anyone's MM has left their W's for them, the OW? I guess I am seeing if there is hope out there for the OW....... My MM is in the process of going through a D to be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Twenty years ago, my MM at the time left his wife for me. We didn't end up together, tho, by my choice. Too many people were hurt by our relationship. We are friends to this day. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 He hasn't yet, but all the signs say he will be. I know it happens--seen it happen many times. He will leave his wife and if it's for me then very good, if not, still--very good. What's meant to be will be! Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Twenty years ago, my MM at the time left his wife for me. We didn't end up together, tho, by my choice. Too many people were hurt by our relationship. We are friends to this day. Good for you. I think my MM would have left his wife for me if I had stayed. He was in the "process" but I got tired of waiting, tired of being a mattress for him to land on, tired of doing the wrong thing all around. I began to think, if he leaves her, do I want this? Do I want to feel guilty for the rest of my life knowing he left his wife of 16 years to be with me? (Even if he said that wasn't the reason and he had his laundry list of MM excuses of why he would have left anyway). This is one of my favorite quotes that I read on a forum (maybe this one -- sorry for forgetting the source): Happiness gained as a result of someone else's pain can never be anything more than an self-inflicted illusion." Also, thinking about this quote made me realize that xMM and I didn't have real love: "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." C.S. Lewis (Was it good for me to be hidden away in his life while he went through the process of "getting rid" of his wife to be with me? NO. Was it good for me to be apart of a lie and deceiving everyone, in order to be with him? NO. He was not pursuing my ultimate good but instead his temporary feelings. He didn't "LOVE" me as in real love, he loved me as in, he loved the way I made him feel.) I think that the cases of MM finalizing a divorce and ending up in a happy, healthy relationship with OW are very, very rare. That's because it's very rare that an affair actually consists of real love instead of a fantasy/ escape/ selfish fulfillment. Plus, if a man is willing to break his marriage vows once, then he is the type of man who takes the easy way out instead of the high road. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen, but rare, and I wasn't about to play those odds. Even if I wound up with him in the end, I think I would have been left with the booby prize -- a man who forsakes his commitments and breaks his vows for his own selfish pursuits, and who didn't really love me like I want to be loved (unconditionally, exclusively, for who I am instead of what I represent). I didn't want him, I want so much more for myself. Yet, to each her own. *shrug* I'm not saying it can't happen... it just didn't happen to me, luckily! Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 This is a story I read while I was an OW, about a man who leaves his wife for his mistress and then marries his mistress. It really hit home for me!! To me it represents how an affair = fantasy, no matter what ends up happening between MM and OW in the future. "Pygmalion" by John Updike: http://www.bridgewater.edu/WritingCenter/Resources/102in-class6.htm Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 You know I think there are affairs that are definitely fantasies... But there are plenty of affairs that are normal relationships...Maybe they are not the norm, but there are more than a few... I think that just because something didn't work for you, doesn't mean that doesn't work for someone else...The reason you don't hear about more happy endings, is that people are reluctant to admit they began their relationship when one or more was committed to someone else... Some A's are not secret, the OW is not made to feel like a secret and her needs are met and she's a priority... Not even SI believes once a cheater always a cheater...You either choose to trust and make it work with the one you love or you don't... Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 You know I think there are affairs that are definitely fantasies... But there are plenty of affairs that are normal relationships...Maybe they are not the norm, but there are more than a few... I think that just because something didn't work for you, doesn't mean that doesn't work for someone else...The reason you don't hear about more happy endings, is that people are reluctant to admit they began their relationship when one or more was committed to someone else... Some A's are not secret, the OW is not made to feel like a secret and her needs are met and she's a priority... Not even SI believes once a cheater always a cheater...You either choose to trust and make it work with the one you love or you don't... Rock on, GEL! You couldn't say it any better! Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 You know I think there are affairs that are definitely fantasies... But there are plenty of affairs that are normal relationships...Maybe they are not the norm, but there are more than a few... I think that just because something didn't work for you, doesn't mean that doesn't work for someone else...The reason you don't hear about more happy endings, is that people are reluctant to admit they began their relationship when one or more was committed to someone else... Some A's are not secret, the OW is not made to feel like a secret and her needs are met and she's a priority... Not even SI believes once a cheater always a cheater...You either choose to trust and make it work with the one you love or you don't... I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater either. I think that some marriages can be restored and the wayward partner remain faithful after an affair, if they change whatever it was inside them that made them cheat in the first place. (I don't see how that can happen during an affair/ relationship while one partner is still married, because how can a cheater change what made them cheat if they're still cheating?! And I define "cheating" as any relationship whether physical or emotional that one partner does not know the other partner is engaging in. If the OW is really out in the open to the WIFE, and MM isn't lying to her and saying he's not with anyone else, then of course that's not cheating.) I think cheating is a character flaw, which yes can be removed with a lot of hard work and reflection. I didn't mean to say once a cheater always a cheater. I meant to say, with my quote, that a "relationship" built upon destroying another has little chance of real growth. And if someone has a tendency to get bored with a long-term relationship and find their needs elsewhere instead of working to fulfill them inside the relationship (and, if that really doesn't work, then ending that relationship completely before trying to get their needs fulfilled somewhere else), then they will continue that pattern no matter who they're in a relationship with. I did qualify that affairs turning into exclusive, happy relationships can work, I just think it's unlikely, and I don't know why anyone would want that kind of relationship. (Yes, I realize that's just my own opinion. Nevertheless it remains my opinion.) I say wait until one relationship is completely finished to begin another. To me, that's respecting both partners -- the old one and the one you want to be the new one. But you're right, that's just me and what I've learned. I really appreciated people who helped me see that when I was an OW, so I just try to pass the advice along and, if it helps someone, good, but if they don't need the advice and they're happy, then good. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Some A's are not secret, the OW is not made to feel like a secret and her needs are met and she's a priority... Add my name to that list. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I did qualify that affairs turning into exclusive, happy relationships can work, I just think it's unlikely, and I don't know why anyone would want that kind of relationship. (Yes, I realize that's just my own opinion. Nevertheless it remains my opinion.) You're not sure why anyone would want an exclusive, happy relationship? As someone whose A changed exactly that way, I can say that it was something both of us chose. For the reason anyone chooses to be together, I suppose - because we found in each other someone we really loved, someone we really liked and respected, someone we could relate to in ways we've never experienced with anyone else before that allowed us to be the best people we could be. I imagine it's the same with any relationship that moves from casual dating to something serious. Somewhere, both people decide they're in it for the long haul, because it's something special. Link to post Share on other sites
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