medicated???

[waitingone]

I am an OW. My first time as an OW. Not something I chose in the beginning, but yes, something I choose to continue.

 

He wants me to be happy the way I am when he and I are together. Well, that only happens when we are together. We have children together. His wife does not know about me or the children.

 

The loneliness is unbearable, espeically at night. Not just physically (sex), but to love my MM it seems my entire life has to be isolated. It is impossible to incorportate someone into my life fully that has to be a secret.

 

I have sunk into deep depression. My moods have been swinging from really happy (when I am with him) to almost hatred (when I find myself in a situation alone i.e. unable to answer questions from even strangers or thechildrens friends parents).

 

It is so lonely. I went to a doctor and he has put me on an antidepressant. I have been on it for about 2 months now. My mood swings are gone, along with my sex drive. It helps me to get to sleep at night, although the loneliness of our bed seems to consume me.

 

My MM has noticed that I am not crying anymore, but also that my rollorcoaster mood swings are gone. Should I tell him the reason I am "neutral" now and not a rollorcoaster because I am medicated?

 

I dont know what to do? He doesnt want to let me go, even though he cant give me a full relationship...I dont want to leave him even though the loneliness i must endure...

 

there is nothing glamorous about being the OW... now the only thing getting me through the days is chemical controlling my depression... can it get any worse??

[White Flower]

I am an OW. My first time as an OW. Not something I chose in the beginning, but yes, something I choose to continue.

 

He wants me to be happy the way I am when he and I are together. Well, that only happens when we are together. We have children together. His wife does not know about me or the children.

 

The loneliness is unbearable, espeically at night. Not just physically (sex), but to love my MM it seems my entire life has to be isolated. It is impossible to incorportate someone into my life fully that has to be a secret.

 

I have sunk into deep depression. My moods have been swinging from really happy (when I am with him) to almost hatred (when I find myself in a situation alone i.e. unable to answer questions from even strangers or thechildrens friends parents).

 

It is so lonely. I went to a doctor and he has put me on an antidepressant. I have been on it for about 2 months now. My mood swings are gone, along with my sex drive. It helps me to get to sleep at night, although the loneliness of our bed seems to consume me.

 

My MM has noticed that I am not crying anymore, but also that my rollorcoaster mood swings are gone. Should I tell him the reason I am "neutral" now and not a rollorcoaster because I am medicated?

 

I dont know what to do? He doesnt want to let me go, even though he cant give me a full relationship...I dont want to leave him even though the loneliness i must endure...

 

there is nothing glamorous about being the OW... now the only thing getting me through the days is chemical controlling my depression... can it get any worse??

Honey, it's time to leave. Let him pay child support and get on with your life. You just gave up the one thing that brought you so much pleasure and joy: sex and the desire for it. I get depressed too, but I'll be damned if I have to take meds for it and lose my sex drive. Find a SG who will love you and take you off that ride:)

[waitingone]

Honey, it's time to leave. Let him pay child support and get on with your life. You just gave up the one thing that brought you so much pleasure and joy: sex and the desire for it. I get depressed too, but I'll be damned if I have to take meds for it and lose my sex drive. Find a SG who will love you and take you off that ride:)

 

I have tried to end it numerous times. He always sucks me right back in. He said I am always the one trying to break things off. He always knows just what to say and how to say it. I know this is going to sound like every other OW on this message board but I am in love with him. I dont like that he lied to me in the beginning, but I would marry him today if he was single.

 

We have child support established, secretly, but he has always taken care of our children. He is a wonderful father. Our children just think daddy works out of town all the time. He said he is going to tell his wife about me and the children. He is just tryting to figure out how to present it to her and when the right time would be. He said she will never leave him, but he wants to tell her, and for her to accept our children being part of their lives with their children.

 

I dont know his wife but I told him I think he should tell her. I have never been a BS but I think I would take it better coming from my husband than any other source.

 

I made a promise to him that I would always be supportive of our children loving and respecting him, even if we ever seperated. But how can I move on when my heart is no longer my own? Other men ask me out all the time and I am not interested in any of them. No one makes me glow and smile the way my MM does. I cant explain it.

[OWoman]

waitingone, I don't know how old your children are, but you won't be able to lie to them forever about their father's status. And the possibility always exists that, unexpectedly, they run into MM somewhere when he's with his other family, run up to him calling Daddy Daddy... and then? Confusion all round. Hurt, tears, anger. Your children don't deserve that. It is not their fault that the relationship status of their parents is a secret. You say your MM plans to tell his wife "at the right time" - there's NEVER a right time. If he really is a good father, as you claim, he'll tell his W and be man enough to deal with the consequences.

 

For yourself, you need to choose what's best for you and your children. A depressed mother, who can only get through the day with a valium smile and a flattened emotional curve? Or a woman who can be truly happy again, who can laugh so her belly aches and can surf the waves of her desire and can spark the sunlight from her eyes?

 

There are choices, even if they're not the ones we want to be making. But you owe it to yourself, and your children, to be happy.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I have tried to end it numerous times. He always sucks me right back in.

That's because he has NO INTENTION of ever telling his wife about you or his kids with you. As long as you're 'secret' and he's got you on his side and on his team, she'll never have to know. Don't you think the time to tell her would have been after the FIRST one? Whose he kidding?

 

I dont like that he lied to me in the beginning, but I would marry him today if he was single.

Jesus, not ANOTHER one that LIED about being available? Do they ALL do this?? I'll never be able to understand how a woman can continue giving the time of DAY to a lying piece of garbage like this.

 

He is a wonderful father.

Surely you can't be serious? You have to LIE to your kids every single day about their so-called wonderful "daddy" because the LIAR tricked you into being with him in the FIRST place, then had several illegitimate kids with you - in secret - that he refuses to ACKNOWLEDGE. You SERIOUSLY need to lose the rose-colored glasses. This guy is the WORST kind of snake.

 

He is just tryting to figure out how to present it to her and when the right time would be.

Do you honestly believe that? I mean, seriously? This guy wouldn't know the truth and what HONESTY is if someone crammed it down his throat with a shovel.

 

The DAY some lying scumbag like this drives ME to medication is the day I shoot myself in the head.

 

Get thee to a therapist. Quickly. It's a crying SHAME you've swallowed your pride, integrity, and self esteem for this loser.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can tell him that you are medicated, but it probably won't have the effect that you want it too. He won't be relieved that you are leveling out, he will be relieved for his own sake - in other words, a docile, medicated OW is more likely to conform to the secondary and secretive status he has assigned her (and sadly her children too).

 

I hope that you can find some help to get yourself back in line emotionally and mentally. Then you will find the strength to love yourself and your children more than you love him, and find a better life for you all. It is one thing to choose to be a 'dirty sercret' for yourself, but quite another to choose something like that for your children as well.

 

Has your love for him been the reason that you allow him not only to have an affair with you, but with your children as well? You may want to rethink things before your children get older and start asking the really hard questions. You stand to lose far more than a MM if you don't.

[frannie]

He wants me to be happy the way I am when he and I are together. Well, that only happens when we are together. We have children together. His wife does not know about me or the children.

 

It is impossible to incorportate someone into my life fully that has to be a secret.

 

My MM has noticed that I am not crying anymore, but also that my rollorcoaster mood swings are gone. Should I tell him the reason I am "neutral" now and not a rollorcoaster because I am medicated?

 

I dont know what to do? He doesnt want to let me go, even though he cant give me a full relationship...I dont want to leave him even though the loneliness i must endure...

 

can it get any worse??

 

I have tried to end it numerous times. He always sucks me right back in. He said I am always the one trying to break things off. He always knows just what to say and how to say it. I know this is going to sound like every other OW on this message board but I am in love with him.

 

I dont like that he lied to me in the beginning, but I would marry him today if he was single.

 

We have child support established, secretly, but he has always taken care of our children. He is a wonderful father. Our children just think daddy works out of town all the time. He said he is going to tell his wife about me and the children. He is just tryting to figure out how to present it to her and when the right time would be. He said she will never leave him, but he wants to tell her, and for her to accept our children being part of their lives with their children.

 

I dont know his wife but I told him I think he should tell her. I have never been a BS but I think I would take it better coming from my husband than any other source.

 

I made a promise to him that I would always be supportive of our children loving and respecting him, even if we ever seperated.

 

But how can I move on when my heart is no longer my own?

 

Hello waitingone.

 

I'm interested in your name, because I'm wondering what you're waiting for? Is it simply for him to tell his W about his second family, or for more, like a full open relationship with him?

 

I usually don't answer threads involving OC, because it always looks like a horrible minefield. I am aware that parallel families and OC exist all over the place, and somehow people survive them I have no idea how. But some things in your OP made me want to reply, I think it's because you seem to ask so little, and seem completely confused and passive, and drifting. And when you said you would sound like 'every other OW on here' I thought no... Not every OW accepts what you're accepting, and thinking that way is not doing you any good.

 

You do NOT have to endure loneliness, you do NOT have to go on medication and not even tell him how terrible things are for you. What kind of relationship is it where you will go on antidepressants to kill the pain and not even tell him about it?

 

And it makes me madder than anything when I hear: MM will not let me go. You're right, that gets said a lot around here, and I think, what, he has you chained in the basement? YOU are making the choices here, to listen to him when he says, 'just the right thing'. YOU make the choice to listen, to believe, and to stay there in that lonely bed, on pills to get you through, and lying to your own children about their father.

 

The first thing you need to do is to try to look at your situation with clarity. Ask yourself what it is you want, and what YOU can do here. You've handed all your choices and power over to someone you can't even tell the truth of your emotional state to. That's very VERY dangerous ground and the reason you're depressed in the first place.

 

Do you have any friends, or anyone in your life who knows the truth about this situation? What about your parents, family, any friends? Or do the children only see the father in isolation? I think you need to start being honest in your own life, and take his choices and power out of the equation.

[child_of_isis]

A wonderful father does not lie to his children. A wonderful father definitely does not HIDE his children.

 

He says his W will never leave him...then why hide you and the children?

 

 

We have child support established, secretly, but he has always taken care of our children. He is a wonderful father. Our children just think daddy works out of town all the time. He said he is going to tell his wife about me and the children. He is just tryting to figure out how to present it to her and when the right time would be. He said she will never leave him, but he wants to tell her, and for her to accept our children being part of their lives with their children.

 

.

[torranceshipman]

Wow! I hate this guy and I don't even know him! It makes me so mad seeing what he has done to you and your kids. Some people are just unbelievable. In fact, of all then stories I've ever read on this board, this is the lowest.

 

I mean...You're wondering if you can tell the man you are on antidepressants? I guess you're asking this question because you are worried about his reaction, and what he might think of you? You're seriously asking this when he is the one that has made your life so miserable that you now actually have to be medicated and you're worried about how HE is going to feel? Come on! Who cares about him. Your self esteem has gone and this guy is the only reason for that.

 

The situation is that you look after HIS kids in secret and that will never change, as he will NEVER tell his W about you and the kids-so that loneliness you're feeling will never go unless you end it with him for good. And if you can't walk away for YOU do it for your poor kids who don't deserve to be anyones dirty little secret - file for child support out in the open, so it is guaranteed. Is his name on the birth cert as the father?

 

Btw if he was a good father he'd put the needs of his kids before his selfish wish to protect his own ass, by owning up and taking responsibility and being there for your kids - not by making your kids listen to the 'daddy being out of town' line day in day out so his W doesnt find out and his comfy life gets inconvenienced. I bet your kids miss him so much and unfortunately they'll get a lifetime of this unless you make some changes.

 

Good luck and please get away from this nasty selfish man.

[White Flower]

You can tell him that you are medicated, but it probably won't have the effect that you want it too. He won't be relieved that you are leveling out, he will be relieved for his own sake - in other words, a docile, medicated OW is more likely to conform to the secondary and secretive status he has assigned her (and sadly her children too).

 

I forgot to really address the depression part. It's hard to find the time to post when my kids are always hovering and they don't know about MM. If they knew I was the infamous White Flower they would die! lol.

 

Anyway, I've been seeing a therapist and I told him about my mood swings and that when I'm low I'm continuously on the verge of tears. I asked if he thought I needed meds. He said, "If you're always on the verge of tears, that's a good thing. That is your body's way of telling you that you're in pain and to do something about it (besides going on meds). It is the pain of trembling with anger or the tears of sadness that pushes us into action with regard to creating a positive and livable solution for ourselves.

 

Depression is when we are indifferent and unemotional. It is a constant state of blah and it is dysfunctional. You, however, seem to be in feeling mode. Use this emotion--feel it deeply and let it help you take action. Make your MM do something or let him know you need out of the relationship for something more stable and something you DESERVE. And yes, tell him you're on the meds and you're feeling like a zombie just so that HE doesn't have to endure you're mood swings.

 

I understand how much you love this man; I love my guy, too. I suppose I am really grateful I don't have kids with him because if I did I would demand he do something about it immediately. Funny how I could kick and scream for my kids, but not for myself. Well, I am going to do something for myself when I'm ready for it. I'll keep you posted.

[KATANYA]

Hi Waitingone........your post made me want to cry for you, for your children, for your situation -- for so many things that are just wrong with this picture.

 

There are obviously many OW on this forum who say many of the things you've said "I love MM", "He always sucks me back in", etc. and some have a child with MM, but for you the difference is there are children (not even child but CHILDREN) involved who actually know daddy and think their life is safe, stable and secure. At the end of the day, all those children have is YOU! Your MM may be a 'great father' in your eyes because when he's there he provides, is loving, attentive, etc. but what about when he's not? Who bathes them every night? Who makes sure the food is on the table? Who do they know as their grandparents (and by the way, does your family know MM or question who daddy is??????)

 

I guess I just feel, being a single mom, that above all else, my children come FIRST. Today, tomorrow and always. I may have made some stupid choices, I may have become involved with a MM and he may have totally messed with my heart, my head, everything.........but he has never and will never be able to jeopardize MY RESPONSIBILITY to do what is best for my kids. Even as the father of these children, your MM is the 'visitation parent'. He is not the primary care giver. Your MM and the stress of this A has come to the point that you are miserable and on medication (mood altering medication that takes joy out of your life!!!!! This takes joy out of your childrens lives because YOU are their life!).

 

Please, get counselling immediately. Get off the antidepressents and get control of this situation. So many bad scenerios play out in my mind....MM says he wants the children to be part of his family with W. WTF IS HE THINKING????????? So once W finds out, puts her demands in, your children start to visit.........where does it go from there? Then a case is made that you are not the fit parent because you suffer depression, on meds, blah blah blah. I'm sorry but I see no good coming from this. You are depressed, sad, lonely, and miserable. You are taking SO MUCH away from your children by letting this situation control you.

 

I am so sad for you and scared for you. I hope you get counselling and I hope, for your sake, that MM will either make the choice to tell his W or that he walks and leaves you the hell alone. Either way, he owes your children support and respect of being able to say WHO they are and KNOW who they are.

 

Good Luck to you. Keep posting....depression is a very hard thing to go through alone and it sounds like you go through way too much alone my friend.

[3rdI]

This is a really hard post for me. I had my children by xMM and this is when I realized that he was only concerened about himself. When the children came to light, the wife refused to accept them. My daughter is now almost twenty and she is still bitter about him sneaking to see her. Children eventually realize that something is not right. It hurts them profoundly and they have never been able to visit his family. He is still married and the wife still refuses to acknowledge my children.

 

I began to hate him because he treated us unfairly. What I could not do for myself I did for my children. You will struggle to be a good mother if you are worried about him. You can be a good mother, but something is lost when you are not feeling your best or depressed often.

 

DO not isolate yourself. There are plenty of people who have been in this situation...more than what you believe. Reach out to others and most importantly believe in yourself. There is hope. I survived by becoming independent and looking in the face of my children...who I knew deserved more. Think about them.

 

Best wishes.

[kchiapet95]

This makes me so sad. I see what I could've been in for. Waiting, I hope you get the help you need to break free and take care of your children. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

[GreenEyedLady]

I dont know what to do? He doesnt want to let me go, even though he cant give me a full relationship...I dont want to leave him even though the loneliness i must endure...

 

there is nothing glamorous about being the OW... now the only thing getting me through the days is chemical controlling my depression... can it get any worse??

 

At this point, who cares what he wants? He is abusing you at this point and you are letting him...

 

Why do you want to stay? I haven't read one word saying why you even want to be with this man...It couldn't be worse to be without him...Ask yourself, how would it even be different? The difference would be that you would be empowering yourself to choose a real life because that is obviously not what he is wanting for you...

 

You must stop this...It isn't good for you or your children...See a counselor who can help you...This is a horrible situation and you should not stay in it!

 

(((HUGS)))

[White Flower]

Dear Waiting One,

 

This thread is full of OW who I've seen post for a couple of months now. Never have I seen more compassion and concern for another OW than for you. Well, there was Kchiapet, but she is so much in a better place now, thank God.

 

Katanya has made a strong point about MM taking advantage of you if he knows you're on meds. He's already taking advantage, but the situation has the capacity to worsen.

 

This may be slightly off subject, but I feel you might relate. There's a great book that was made into a movie that is showing in selected theatres now called, The Kite Runner. The author, Khaled Hosseini, wrote a second great novel called, A Thousand Splendid Suns. This story reminds me of you, your children, and MM. It is a book of pain and suffering, but also of overcoming tragedy at great odds. If you've got the time you should read it.

 

Please keep on posting. I think talking it out to us will make you feel better in the meantime.

[NoIDidn't]

I am not quoting 3rdI, but I know about her words.

 

Imagine what happens in the situation that LB brought up. My Mom is an OC and did not know who her father was until a mean woman pointed out that it was a man she saw EVERY time she came to town. And HE never acknowledged her as his either.

 

She hated her mom and him for years. Don't do this to your R with your kids. Like 3rdI said, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

[nadiaj2727]

The loneliness is unbearable, espeically at night. Not just physically (sex), but to love my MM it seems my entire life has to be isolated.

It is so lonely. He doesnt want to let me go, even though he cant give me a full relationship...

 

I'm sorry to hear this Waitingone. But the truth is, although you love him, he does not love you, or he would not keep you a secret. If we love someone, we share it with the world. He knows you are lonely, depressed, and sad, yet he will not do what it takes to be with you. If he truely unselfishly loved you, he would let you go so that you can find the right person for you, who shares all of his life with you, who doesn't keep you (and his children!) a secret, and who gives you all of his heart. This man can't be that great that you continue to sink to these great depths for him. Please, please get out of this situation and find a better future for yourself and your children. Ask yourself, why do you love him? Whatever your answer is, answer yourself: It's not enough. It's not enough to continue suffering like this.