Jump to content

The devil was in my living room!!!


forbidden fruit

Recommended Posts

forbidden fruit

So my h took off work and saw the xmm at the park. Granted neither of them have spoke to each other for about a month dur to my NC. So my H walk up to him and they start talking and my H tells xmm to start being civil with me and stop being so immature because we are neighbors and the kids have to play.

 

Let's alll get along for the sake of the kids. So I come home hear this and almost fall over. Also his kids are at my house which they haven't been in about 3 months because my H invited them. I am in the back of my house and I hear xmm's voice and he is is my living room with h.

 

My h tells xmm to say hi and then proceeds me to say hi. I can't believe what was going on. Well my H told me xmm was so relieved to be talking to us and to be back in. He sat in my house like no big deal.

 

I am still in shock. He was talking to me like no time had passed and nothing transpired between us. Did I say I am still in shock. Where do i go from here and please I don't want to hear tell my h. I was finally getting to a bearable place and then there is the devil in my living room. Wtf is he thinking and wtf is my H thinking?

Link to post
Share on other sites
So my h took off work and saw the xmm at the park. Granted neither of them have spoke to each other for about a month dur to my NC. So my H walk up to him and they start talking and my H tells xmm to start being civil with me and stop being so immature because we are neighbors and the kids have to play.

 

Let's alll get along for the sake of the kids. So I come home hear this and almost fall over. Also his kids are at my house which they haven't been in about 3 months because my H invited them. I am in the back of my house and I hear xmm's voice and he is is my living room with h.

 

My h tells xmm to say hi and then proceeds me to say hi. I can't believe what was going on. Well my H told me xmm was so relieved to be talking to us and to be back in. He sat in my house like no big deal.

 

I am still in shock. He was talking to me like no time had passed and nothing transpired between us. Did I say I am still in shock. Where do i go from here and please I don't want to hear tell my h. I was finally getting to a bearable place and then there is the devil in my living room. Wtf is he thinking and wtf is my H thinking?

Wow, FF. It sounds like this thing is just going to continue forever. If neither of you are going to move and you really don't want to tell your H, I can only suggest you get used to it. I wish I could offer more, but it sounds like you're stuck. Maybe try talking to MM and let him know you can be civil but that you just don't want him in your house? Is it possible at all for you two to be friends after all that's happened?

Link to post
Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia

I know you don't want to hear this, but if your H knew you slept with this worm you wouldn't be having this problem. For some men, the idea of an EA is much more acceptable and 'fixable' than a PA. Your H is thinking that things shouldn't be so broken up and hard for something that amounted to a 'crush'. If he knew that sex was involved, he'd be thinking something entirely different.

 

I think MM gets a sick sort of thrill at buddying up to your H right in front of you. MM sees it as an ultimate humiliation: to sleep with a man's wife and make her an accomplice in cuckolding and humiliating her H even further, without the H being none the wiser. MM thrives off the fact that he can make you humiliate your own husband in your own home by saying nothing in this situation. He knows he has the power over you to do that. MM thinks he had the power over you to make you betray your H, and then continue to passively humiliate him by keeping him in the dark. MM thinks you are keeping the door open, FF. He feels confident that you will continue to humiliate your H on his behalf, and he will continue to buddy up to the man whose W he slept with because it gives him a sick sense of power. Every day that passes that you let this happen is another knife in your H's back, FF. You are helping twist the blade.

 

You can end this FF. I just don't think deep down that you really want to. Some tiny part is still under MM's power. The day you tell your H the truth is the day you will be free from MM and his influence.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

My h tells xmm to say hi and then proceeds me to say hi. I can't believe what was going on. Well my H told me xmm was so relieved to be talking to us and to be back in. He sat in my house like no big deal.

 

Growing up as a child they used to teach us a technique in school. I was called 'just say no'.

 

Does your H need to know why? Not really, he already knows enough. All you have to do is say NO. Don't give up on bieng an adult in your marriage. If you say you dont want MM over, want nothing to do with him, because of the emotional damage he has done... because of how strongly he persued you... then your H will be forced to listen. That house isnt 50/50, its 100/100. You own that house, you choose who gets to come in!

 

Also, it strikes me how... evil your MM is. He is using your H to get back in with you, knowing that you will not tell H the full story.

 

FF, you need to move your whole discussion into the marriage section of this board. It's time for you to stop bieng an OW, it's time to start talking about how you can fix your marriage, because just from this story alone... I know its broken.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So my h took off work and saw the xmm at the park. Granted neither of them have spoke to each other for about a month dur to my NC. So my H walk up to him and they start talking and my H tells xmm to start being civil with me and stop being so immature because we are neighbors and the kids have to play.

 

Let's alll get along for the sake of the kids. So I come home hear this and almost fall over. Also his kids are at my house which they haven't been in about 3 months because my H invited them. I am in the back of my house and I hear xmm's voice and he is is my living room with h.

 

My h tells xmm to say hi and then proceeds me to say hi. I can't believe what was going on. Well my H told me xmm was so relieved to be talking to us and to be back in. He sat in my house like no big deal.

 

I am still in shock. He was talking to me like no time had passed and nothing transpired between us. Did I say I am still in shock. Where do i go from here and please I don't want to hear tell my h. I was finally getting to a bearable place and then there is the devil in my living room. Wtf is he thinking and wtf is my H thinking?

 

Ohh You poor thing! Gosh it seem's like this guy just won't go away. I won't tell you to tell your H again promise, however really I don't know what to tell you! I just want you to know that I feel for you. Anyway you can just tell this xmm not to come over? Your in a tough spot.

 

AP:)

Link to post
Share on other sites

FF, I know you don't want to tell your H the truth, that it wasn't just an EA, it was a PA too...So, here's a suggestion of what to do:

 

TELL your husband because you had an EA with the exMM neighbour and now that it's over, YOU don't want him in your house. That YOU feel uncomfortable and you don't want anything to do with him, no friendship, nothing. Then together, you and your H tell him that he isn't welcome in your home - Other than a hi and a bye - Don't talk to us, don't try to be our friend.

 

Well my H told me xmm was so relieved to be talking to us and to be back in. He sat in my house like no big deal.

 

What I don't understand is, why your H is so laid back about it. I mean, an EA is still an affair and he shouldn't have let the exMM in the house. Why isn't HE, your H, pissed off at him? And, why didn't your H kick him out after that comment "to be back in..." That's bullcrap.

 

Wtf is he thinking and wtf is my H thinking?

 

Well, the exMM is a N, right? There's your answer. As for your husband? I think you know the answer to that one...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know you don't want to hear this, but if your H knew you slept with this worm you wouldn't be having this problem. For some men, the idea of an EA is much more acceptable and 'fixable' than a PA. Your H is thinking that things shouldn't be so broken up and hard for something that amounted to a 'crush'. If he knew that sex was involved, he'd be thinking something entirely different.

 

I think MM gets a sick sort of thrill at buddying up to your H right in front of you. MM sees it as an ultimate humiliation: to sleep with a man's wife and make her an accomplice in cuckolding and humiliating her H even further, without the H being none the wiser. MM thrives off the fact that he can make you humiliate your own husband in your own home by saying nothing in this situation. He knows he has the power over you to do that. MM thinks he had the power over you to make you betray your H, and then continue to passively humiliate him by keeping him in the dark. MM thinks you are keeping the door open, FF. He feels confident that you will continue to humiliate your H on his behalf, and he will continue to buddy up to the man whose W he slept with because it gives him a sick sense of power. Every day that passes that you let this happen is another knife in your H's back, FF. You are helping twist the blade.

 

You can end this FF. I just don't think deep down that you really want to. Some tiny part is still under MM's power. The day you tell your H the truth is the day you will be free from MM and his influence.

 

FF, you should read the above again and again.

 

You've chosen to be a cheater and you chose to be a liar too and you continue to choose to be a liar. Isn't it time that you should stop continue with your lies years and years to come?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Perhaps its been asked too many times but I still dont see the answer anywhere so here goes again, "Why is your husband trying so hard to be the man's buddy?"

 

I am also wondering if, the longer this goes on (the lying to your H), the harder the truth is going to be on him and the less likely it will be that he will want to continue the M.....I'm thinking out loud here but I guess I just feel once H finds out the truth ----and one day you are just going to snap and its all going to come out or you are going to go insane ----he's going to feel like such a horses a$$ for having tried to be 'friends' with this guy and for trying so hard to comfort you. The only thing I've learned for certain about most men is that their egos and their pride(even the good guys) are two things they cherish. Once you take that away from them.....well, its not pretty!

 

If you don't want to talk to your H about this (and I understand why) then, IMO, you have to have a REAL heart to heart with exMM. He's got to have boundaries and there has got to be some respect given and taken. Obviously, you both chose to live side by side and go on this way so you both need to come to an understanding - what is the deal and what is the deal breaker!

 

Where is HIS W in all this? By the way, I really don't see how the children being friends means you have to be visiting pals with the neighbors. My children have neighborhood friends, I'm pleasant to their parents but honestly have never been more than to the doorstep of their homes.

 

Good luck to you FF. You have got to take control of this situation soon (on way or another) or you are going to drive yourself insane and many people are going to get VERY hurt, including the kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
wtf is my H thinking?

 

Your husband doesn't know that you had sex with him, you kinda left that little detail out...So why wouldn't he try to smooth things over?

 

The thing with lying is that you have to keep covering up the lie by telling additional lies...and you're in a vicious circle until you come clean...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
forbidden fruit
Your husband doesn't know that you had sex with him, you kinda left that little detail out...So why wouldn't he try to smooth things over?

 

The thing with lying is that you have to keep covering up the lie by telling additional lies...and you're in a vicious circle until you come clean...

 

You are not telling me something I already know....I am not the least bit happy with myself, but thanks for pointing out the obvious to make me feel worse.

Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks for pointing out the obvious to make me feel worse.

 

I don't think she's really trying to make you feel worse about your affair, just helping you see that even though you think you may have things under control, because your husband doesn't have the whole picture, he's going to keep taking actions to keep things smooth between your family and the family he sees as friends. You and your former lover have the upper hand here, and him even moreso because he knows you're never going to let the cat out of the bag about your affair, that you just want to wish it away. And apparently, he's not interested in trying to play nice or do things on your terms, where your families aren't further victimized, so you're pretty much screwed because your good-hearted husband wants everyone to make nice.

 

the only one who "allows" the devil in your home is you, because by failing to put full closure to the affair (i.e., coming clean so that your husband can deal with things in a more informed manner) you've given your former lover ammunition to use against you AND your family.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
forbidden fruit
Perhaps its been asked too many times but I still dont see the answer anywhere so here goes again, "Why is your husband trying so hard to be the man's buddy?"

 

I am also wondering if, the longer this goes on (the lying to your H), the harder the truth is going to be on him and the less likely it will be that he will want to continue the M.....I'm thinking out loud here but I guess I just feel once H finds out the truth ----and one day you are just going to snap and its all going to come out or you are going to go insane ----he's going to feel like such a horses a$$ for having tried to be 'friends' with this guy and for trying so hard to comfort you. The only thing I've learned for certain about most men is that their egos and their pride(even the good guys) are two things they cherish. Once you take that away from them.....well, its not pretty!

 

If you don't want to talk to your H about this (and I understand why) then, IMO, you have to have a REAL heart to heart with exMM. He's got to have boundaries and there has got to be some respect given and taken. Obviously, you both chose to live side by side and go on this way so you both need to come to an understanding - what is the deal and what is the deal breaker!

 

Where is HIS W in all this? By the way, I really don't see how the children being friends means you have to be visiting pals with the neighbors. My children have neighborhood friends, I'm pleasant to their parents but honestly have never been more than to the doorstep of their homes.

 

Good luck to you FF. You have got to take control of this situation soon (on way or another) or you are going to drive yourself insane and many people are going to get VERY hurt, including the kids.

 

I will take control of the situation. I will be a mature adult . I was letting my heart lead me before acting like a lovesick teenager. i will set my boundaries and if xmm oversteps them even once he is out for good. I will be civil for all the people involved, but friendship is out of the question and he will not be hanging out at my house and I will not be going ove there.

 

I do not have to heart to heart with xmm I will just do what i need to do and remain on my course. I can't count on him to do the right thing by me.

Afterall he never wanted to stop the A. thanks for the words, and I think I got it covered.

Link to post
Share on other sites

it's pretty plain to me that if he was interested in abiding by your wishes of no contact, he never would have stepped inside your house, even if your husband innocently insisted that everyone needs to put the past behind them and start trying to get along once again. So, he's "not playing nice" because he knows he's defying the no contact and he's doing it in a way that cuckolds dear husband, who has no clue of your affair with the guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
You are not telling me something I already know....I am not the least bit happy with myself, but thanks for pointing out the obvious to make me feel worse.

 

How can you ignore it? It's like the elephant in the room...It's not my intent to make you feel worse...It's my intent to get you to wake up...You're here questioning why your H would even talk to the OM, but unless he has all the info, his behavior is not odd...

 

He is a man and might not even think an EA is even an A...Lots of men, especially, don't...Now if you told him that you slept with him, then I bet that'd be a different story...So I wouldn't question what your H is doing, I'd question, more what you are doing...Your H is being humiliated here without even knowing it...

 

As much as I don't think telling about an A is smart, the only way I see this being solved is if you tell him the truth...It'd be different if it really was an EA or if he didn't live next door...But that's not the situation...So you've dug yourself into a hole and if I were you, I'd come clean...The man you pledged your life to, just might help you out of it...

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites
thanks for pointing out the obvious to make me feel worse.

 

I don't think she's really trying to make you feel worse about your affair, just helping you see that even though you think you may have things under control, because your husband doesn't have the whole picture, he's going to keep taking actions to keep things smooth between your family and the family he sees as friends.

the only one who "allows" the devil in your home is you, because by failing to put full closure to the affair (i.e., coming clean so that your husband can deal with things in a more informed manner) you've given your former lover ammunition to use against you AND your family.

I think this is true, FF. You're so angry right now that you can't see it. You need to show MM the upper hand somehow or tell your husband. Those are really your only choices.

 

If it were me and I really didn't want my H to know I would go off on MM. I can't imagine doing this to mine because he is a darling, but yours sounds just freaking evil. I would corner him, show him the sh*t, and tell him you'll ruin him any way you can if he doesn't back off. And be prepared to tell your H that day just in case MM decides to do it for you. It isn't in my character to do this until someone comes into MY home in front of MY children and tries to ruin their world.

 

I don't know your character, but I'm very easy going. When I went bollistic on someone who once tried to get away with something in my home they really took me seriously. In fact, they went into rehab that very day.

 

On the other hand, if you're always angry and shouting and never do anything about it MM might see it as another day in paradise. You decide, but do it before he has you under complete control.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What do you mean he's not interested in playing nice or doing things on my terms?

 

MM has no interest in doing things your way! He will not respect any boundaries you set forth!

 

Listen up! If you dont want him around your family... Tell your husband NO! Straight up its that simple.

 

C'mon all you have to do is tell H that this guy hits on you when H is not around and your not comfortable with it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
forbidden fruit
MM has no interest in doing things your way! He will not respect any boundaries you set forth!

 

Listen up! If you dont want him around your family... Tell your husband NO! Straight up its that simple.

 

C'mon all you have to do is tell H that this guy hits on you when H is not around and your not comfortable with it!

 

You guys all are right with your points. I will put my boundaries up and not give xmm a inch and the minute he crosses them I will have a talk with him and one that will keep away for good. My H wants peace between the families and I do not blame him. Obviously he does not know what is going on and maybe he never will.

 

I want to protect him from the horrible truth and also because honestly I am scared of what he will to do. I want to move on to the future and address our current problems and telling him seems like opening a whole new can of worms. Maybe it is not what is right by him, but for right now this is what I am doing. Being civil to the xmm is the least I can do for my H given the circumstances.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're just fooling yourself into believing that your ex-lover is going to abide by your rules. He's not, because he knows you're afraid to tell your husband about the affair because you don't want to rock the boat, so basically, you're empowering the guy while keeping your husband in the dark about things. And as others have pointed out, you're trying to sustain a relationship built on lies. What happens if your ex decides to "share" about your affair with your husband? I guarantee, what's going to hurt this man you married worse than the idea that you stepped out on him is that you didn't respect him or the marriage enough to be honest about it. Because no one appreciates being lied to, not even if your intentions were to protect that person from pain.

 

pretty much, your lover has a huge amount of power over you when he knows you've opted to hide the affair rather than completely put it to rest by telling your spouse. And he knows he can use your fear of revelation to his own good.

 

honestly I am scared of what he will to do. I want to move on to the future and address our current problems and telling him seems like opening a whole new can of worms.

 

I totally get you on that one, because you're doing your best to make your marriage work. But when you've got a good-hearted guy trying to keep the peace with everyone, and another guy who plans to use your history together to one-up or cuckold the good-hearted guy, you need to rethink your strategy because something's gonna happen to reveal the affair that'll be akin to a nuclear explosion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What are you going to do when xMM gets tired of the games and tells your H the truth?

 

Your best possible solution here is to contain and manage the damage. Tell your H the truth, NOW, under YOUR control. Make it clear that you're trying to save your marriage and protect your marriage and your family from OM/MM.

 

You say you're afraid of what he might do. Are you afraid that he'll become physically violent with you? Are you afraid he'll leave and divorce you? What, exactly, is it that you're afraid will happen?

Link to post
Share on other sites

BA, that's not very nice to say. If you can't even give her some kind of support, don't post at all! I mean, next thing you know, if FF hasn't updated her situation, you'll be posting on her thread, asking for an update, asking if NC was broken.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BA, that's not very nice to say. If you can't even give her some kind of support, don't post at all! I mean, next thing you know, if FF hasn't updated her situation, you'll be posting on her thread, asking for an update, asking if NC was broken.

 

I will second that!! Not very nice BA! FF is in a tough spot, she's trying to figure out how to handle this the best way that SHE can.

 

AP:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...