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Had a visitor today... Part Deux


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Well, you called.

Knock Knock

"Who's there?"

"it's ME"

"It's ME who?"

"It's ME that you just told to go back home..."

 

ME: "Sorry, but I have all of these LS people looking at me right now and I can't let the gang down."

HER: "Really, are you serious? You won't let me in?"

Me: "NOPE"

HER: "waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wa wa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

 

OK, seriously.. I said listen honey. We can't keep doing this. I Don /screeeeeeeeeech/

 

This when she interupted, put her finger over my mouth and said: "it's almost over. I told H it wasnt working. I keep thinking about NO JOY. No joy NOW, no joy in the past, well before (me), and no joy in the future. I can't FAKE JOY, and I won't try. You told me that you wanted me to be "happy", and, I WANT TO BE HAPPY.. I am not happy here and I havent been for 8 years. I don't feel like I have even"moved into this house" that we bought 5 years ago. My heart is not in it.. I have no purpose."

 

She told me that she figured out that "there are no sure answers", there is no magic ball to look into. She has been "waiting for that BAM, that clear picture to be laid out in front of her, and it's NEVER gonna come. SO, she has to start walking....

 

There is a LONG way to go, and they have agreed to get through the Holidays....

 

***she told me that they didnt even sit next to each other at HIS company party hosted at their house, and that they canceled the progressive block thing that was supposed to swing through their house the following nite..

 

This could mean everything, OR nothing

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Well, you called.

Knock Knock

"Who's there?"

"it's ME"

"It's ME who?"

"It's ME that you just told to go back home..."

 

ME: "Sorry, but I have all of these LS people looking at me right now and I can't let the gang down."

HER: "Really, are you serious? You won't let me in?"

Me: "NOPE"

HER: "waaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wa wa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

 

OK, seriously.. I said listen honey. We can't keep doing this. I Don /screeeeeeeeeech/

 

This when she interupted, put her finger over my mouth and said: "it's almost over. I told H it wasnt working. I keep thinking about NO JOY. No joy NOW, no joy in the past, well before (me), and no joy in the future. I can't FAKE JOY, and I won't try. You told me that you wanted me to be "happy", and, I WANT TO BE HAPPY.. I am not happy here and I havent been for 8 years. I don't feel like I have even"moved into this house" that we bought 5 years ago. My heart is not in it.. I have no purpose."

 

She told me that she figured out that "there are no sure answers", there is no magic ball to look into. She has been "waiting for that BAM, that clear picture to be laid out in front of her, and it's NEVER gonna come. SO, she has to start walking....

 

There is a LONG way to go, and they have agreed to get through the Holidays....

 

***she told me that they didnt even sit next to each other at HIS company party hosted at their house, and that they canceled the progressive block thing that was supposed to swing through their house the following nite..

 

This could mean everything, OR nothing

It was cute the way you "tried" not to let her in. Sounds like she's finally getting to that decision point. That's good. Keep us posted.

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LucreziaBorgia

They don't jump off the fence. They have to be knocked off. Good for you for standing your ground. She will be far more likely to make a firm decision if you are firm yourself.

 

Just remember - you have no way of knowing right now if she is saying this stuff to keep you on the hook, or if she really means it. If you want to see if she really means it, it is imperative that you not let down your guard.

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They don't jump off the fence. They have to be knocked off. Good for you for standing your ground. She will be far more likely to make a firm decision if you are firm yourself.

 

Just remember - you have no way of knowing right now if she is saying this stuff to keep you on the hook, or if she really means it. If you want to see if she really means it, it is imperative that you not let down your guard.

What's funny is, I feel like now I, Stampdaddy has the power... I should wear a shirt with a big "S" on it...

Seriously.. repeat after me: "I WILL NOT GIVE IN"

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Did you reaffirm the NC & tell her not to contact you until _____________! Tell us the end S.Daddy. You left that part out.

 

btw-I'm proud of you!

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Did you reaffirm the NC & tell her not to contact you until _____________! Tell us the end S.Daddy. You left that part out.

 

btw-I'm proud of you!

 

I have to wait til 8pm (prime time)... "Viewer discretion is advised"

TOTALLY KIDDING

 

I basically said "don't jerk me around. I havent done that to you" I really just let her do all of the talking. The ONE thing I did say AT THE END, was "I won't let you fall......."

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I have to wait til 8pm (prime time)... "Viewer discretion is advised"

TOTALLY KIDDING

 

I basically said "don't jerk me around. I havent done that to you" I really just let her do all of the talking. The ONE thing I did say AT THE END, was "I won't let you fall......."

 

Sounds like the second verse was same as the first...she contacted you for reassurance that you were still on the string, she pulled on it by telling you what you wanted to hear, and you gave her the reassurance that you're still waiting and waiting...again.

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Mustang Sally
Sounds like the second verse was same as the first...she contacted you for reassurance that you were still on the string, she pulled on it by telling you what you wanted to hear, and you gave her the reassurance that you're still waiting and waiting...again.

My thoughts, exactly.

 

Good luck with that, Stamp.

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Way to go Stamp!!! You aced it.

 

I think you did just fine, if she needs to be reassured because she is going to take a big step and you are willing to be there for her there is no reason why you should play games. You told her what you feel, you made sure she knew you would be there for her, and if that's the reassurance she needs then that's good for all. Assuring her you will be there for her does not take away the fact you insist on maintaining NC so you did your part, the rest is up to her. But by letting her feel your absence she can figure out what she wants. You are indeed in power.

 

She'll be back my friend, you can't just shut off 3.5yrs.

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My thoughts, exactly.

 

Good luck with that, Stamp.

You know what, you too NJ....

 

My finger is on the pulse, my eyes are wide open, and SO IS MY HEART.. Let me ask you ladies: would you make such a big decision of your man was telling you to go F-off until you can show me divorce papers in hand, THE ORIGINAL, no stupid copy??

 

There has to be some caring and understanding displayed, it is MY character, not to play games.. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean that I will allow the A to realign itself with us.. STEPS FORWARD...

 

Do you think for a second that the H is going to allow her to "date" me while they finish their business? Do you think for a second that that would be the "right" thing to do? Dont you think that NC will be alot easier for ME now, while THEY take care of their business? I DO...

 

But thanks for the comments anyway

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Mustang Sally

Dude.

 

I wish you a happy relationship.

 

Hope you find what you are looking for with this lady.

 

But it wouldn't hurt you to admit that the other side that NJ and I see could be there.

 

I do agree that it is less likely with a woman, than with a man, though. Absolutely no data on that, just what seems to be the case.

 

I personally prefer people who are able to stand on their own a bit, before getting in it deep with me, rather than going straight from a failed marriage to a relationship with me. I don't know. Call me crazy. But it seems less likely to be ultimately successful that way.

 

Your mileage may certainly vary.

 

Peace.

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Way to go Stamp!!! You aced it.

 

I think you did just fine, if she needs to be reassured because she is going to take a big step and you are willing to be there for her there is no reason why you should play games. You told her what you feel, you made sure she knew you would be there for her, and if that's the reassurance she needs then that's good for all. Assuring her you will be there for her does not take away the fact you insist on maintaining NC so you did your part, the rest is up to her. But by letting her feel your absence she can figure out what she wants. You are indeed in power.

 

She'll be back my friend, you can't just shut off 3.5yrs.

 

Thanks TC.. still a long road ahead, no guarantees, BUT, I feel too, that we will be OK.. I can't tell you what this meant to me today.. I mean, the "thought processes" that she has had (that I havent really talked about here) re: the "outcome" of the D are quite numerous and quite detailed.. From dividing of property, who lives where, H keeps the house, custody, what kind of D, how to go about it, telling the children, a job, time with me, lack of time with me, kids activities, etc....

 

"I still picture her, coming home from a long day, children in tow, she opens the door AND, table is set, dinner in the crockpot, beds are made, bathrooms cleaned, refridge stocked, and a sweet "goodnite" note under her pillow....."

 

God, I LOVE HER

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I personally prefer people who are able to stand on their own a bit, before getting in it deep with me, rather than going straight from a failed marriage to a relationship with me. I don't know. Call me crazy. But it seems less likely to be ultimately successful that way.

 

.

 

Yeah well it's a little late for that they have been involved for over 3 yrs, while the sentiment is ideal you can't measure this situation as you would a normal cricumstance, well you can and actually someone who thinks as yourself more than likely would never get involved with a person who is not available, and that's terrific it's as it should be. But we have to keep in mind what the truth of this situation is. Why in the world would they regress once she divorces to telling her to go back and be on her own for a while!?!? That makes no sense at all at this point...I dunnow all that trouble all the not being able to keep NC to divorce and add more time apart!??

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Dude.

 

I wish you a happy relationship.

 

Hope you find what you are looking for with this lady.

 

But it wouldn't hurt you to admit that the other side that NJ and I see could be there.

 

I do agree that it is less likely with a woman, than with a man, though. Absolutely no data on that, just what seems to be the case.

 

I personally prefer people who are able to stand on their own a bit, before getting in it deep with me, rather than going straight from a failed marriage to a relationship with me. I don't know. Call me crazy. But it seems less likely to be ultimately successful that way.

 

Your mileage may certainly vary.

 

Peace.

Thanks, sorry if I was cranky:)

 

You are correct, I am NOT out of the woods by a long way.. Just nice to hear "movement", and based on what I know about them over MANY years, she has been done with the M for a long time... SHe admits, she did it wrong, waited too long... It won't be easy for her, and I agree with your statement that it seems that a woman would be less likely to go THIS far with our relationship and hang on to it after Dday for so long like she has.. And the risks....

 

Anyway, peace to you - or is it "peace out"?;)

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Mustang Sally
Yeah well it's a little late for that they have been involved for over 3 yrs, while the sentiment is ideal you can't measure this situation as you would a normal cricumstance, well you can and actually someone who thinks as yourself more than likely would never get involved with a person who is not available, and that's terrific it's as it should be. But we have to keep in mind what the truth of this situation is. Why in the world would they regress once she divorces to telling her to go back and be on her own for a while!?!? That makes no sense at all at this point...I dunnow all that trouble all the not being able to keep NC to divorce and add more time apart!??

Yeah.

I see your point.

 

But I stand by what I said.

 

I just don't think very many successful relationships start out with one person coaxing (if you will) another out of a bad relationship.

 

I am assuming that her M was already bad, or she wouldn't have been open to SD in the first place...if not, then I really think there would be issues here....

 

And yeah.

I think it's more than reasonable for her to take some time to recover from her bad M after the D, on her own, or at least only in a dating R with SD. Not a "let's move in so I can cook you dinner and clean your bathrooms every night" immediately after.

 

I mean really.

 

That just sounds like she's yanking his (freely offered up to her) chain.

 

Sorry.

Not trying to be hurtful.

That's just the way it looks to me.

 

Again.

Hope it works out for you.

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Thanks TC.. still a long road ahead, no guarantees, BUT, I feel too, that we will be OK.. I can't tell you what this meant to me today.. I mean, the "thought processes" that she has had (that I havent really talked about here) re: the "outcome" of the D are quite numerous and quite detailed.. From dividing of property, who lives where, H keeps the house, custody, what kind of D, how to go about it, telling the children, a job, time with me, lack of time with me, kids activities, etc....

 

"I still picture her, coming home from a long day, children in tow, she opens the door AND, table is set, dinner in the crockpot, beds are made, bathrooms cleaned, refridge stocked, and a sweet "goodnite" note under her pillow....."

 

God, I LOVE HER

 

Stamp I totally understand the euphoric feeling that you are experiencing I know it all too well, I had been there many times. But let's hope there is not going to be 20 or 30 of these moments that turn out to be empty promises and here you are 3 more years down the road still waiting for her. Your game plan might want to be what is the time limit you give yourself to wait for her to do her things? Not to share with her because you don't want to pressure her in any way it has to come from her and her H all on their own and not because she feels the chance with you wille expire but you do need to be realistic that you cannot put your heart on hold for her forever. IT would be to smart give yourself a goal so that you are also realistic about what you expect from yourself. Capiche?

 

Perhaps something to think about.

 

I know now it will be easier for you to move forward at least knowing where her head is at. So try to focus on you and on why you want to be with this woman and don't romatisize what you like about her... in time try to see it all, the good the bad and the ugly...this is a time for you to decide what you really want. You'd be surprised the things you come up with when you think with a level head and not a dreamy one. ;)

 

I'm gald you feel better now. :)

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You know what, you too NJ....

 

My finger is on the pulse, my eyes are wide open, and SO IS MY HEART.. Let me ask you ladies: would you make such a big decision of your man was telling you to go F-off until you can show me divorce papers in hand, THE ORIGINAL, no stupid copy??

 

Yes. If my marriage sucked as bad as she says hers does, I'd leave on my own two feet without needing to make sure there was a white knight just waiting to save me. I would leave the marriage because it was bad for me and because I wanted out. Whether there was anyone waiting for me once I left would be immaterial. I would leave because the marriage was bad, not just because I found someone to save me from it.

 

My happiness, and my welfare, is not depend on whether there is anyone to prop me up. Wooo, look at me, free to be, running with scissors and without a safety net in the form of another man!!

 

Been there, done that, albeit not with a husband, but a fiancee I lived with and was with for many years.

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Do you think for a second that the H is going to allow her to "date" me while they finish their business? Do you think for a second that that would be the "right" thing to do? Dont you think that NC will be alot easier for ME now, while THEY take care of their business? I DO...

 

But thanks for the comments anyway

 

And help me understand where the NC is, exactly? You've talked with her how many times in how many days?

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Sally, that was in NO WAY to suggest that we are "moving in together", it was to suggest that she will need help.. The "crockpot fairy", from time to time.. Do you know what an "every other weekend" would be like for us? And even then, those would be cut short due to: soccer games, football games, basketball games, volleyball games, baseball games etc...

 

Let ME worry about how valuable our "time" would be and it would be precious...

 

TC, no worries friend.. I just feel like I have more control of ME now.. I have ALOT of work to do, some already mentioned, some not. BUT, that is work for myself, it just helps to have a little "purpose" behind you for a change. I'm a strong man, I will be OK..

 

I WILL REPEAT - NOTHING is done yet.... NC is still my goal, until something is done..

 

P.S. She DID schedule an IC. Just like I hoped..

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And help me understand where the NC is, exactly? You've talked with her how many times in how many days?

 

Well, NC has been sorta NE (non existent), BUT, I believe we are closer to keeping it firm.. I know for me, I feel better about it.. As TC said, at least I know more assuredly where her head is..

 

And as for the whole "White Knight" comment: I showed up early, and I am Stampdaddy!!!! j/k:):):):):):):):):)

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This when she interupted, put her finger over my mouth and said: "it's almost over. I told H it wasnt working. I keep thinking about NO JOY. No joy NOW, no joy in the past, well before (me), and no joy in the future. I can't FAKE JOY, and I won't try. You told me that you wanted me to be "happy", and, I WANT TO BE HAPPY.. I am not happy here and I havent been for 8 years. I don't feel like I have even"moved into this house" that we bought 5 years ago. My heart is not in it.. I have no purpose."

 

Then as soon as the holidays are over, you should be seeing actions from her and not just hearing the 'words.'

 

No excuses, no bullsh*t. They need to sit down with the kids and tell them this is how it's going to be - 2 houses, shared custody and still be a family but not under one roof anymore.

 

Yes, it will kill those kids hearts, but obviously she isn't willing to give her marriage the best shot she can for the kids sake, give her husband a chance to woo her again. She just wants out, well, come a month or so, hopefully she'll be in process of leaving for real.

 

I feel bad for her husband though, I mean the whole NC thing was a bust from day one as she knew she wouldn't keep NC and he was right all along, behind his back there was a plan - Even if it was unspoken/no details - There still was a plan.

 

Stamp, you have to now not talk to her, stay in NC mode. Allowing her to break NC from here on out just means she's making sure you're still waiting. Thing is, she should be leaving either way!! If she can't stand being married, YOU shouldn't be the reason why she is so desparate and miserable to get out of the house, away from her husband.

 

Just be aware that 'the plan' may not happen quickly...Even if she moves right into house, don't expectthe kids to follow as that would very unfair to them, let alone a complete disrespect for her husband, the kids dad.

 

I don't know if it's just me, but something feels abit off..Not you, but the situation itself.

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One more thing, she ought to just be honest with her husband. Lay everything out in the open because they still have to co-parent together and be on good terms because of those kids they share.

 

He should have a big say in when you get to meet the kids too. I know you are probably going to disagree with that, but those kids lives are about to be turned upside and it will take them a long time to accept their mom's new 'friend.'

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Then as soon as the holidays are over, you should be seeing actions from her and not just hearing the 'words.'

 

No excuses, no bullsh*t. They need to sit down with the kids and tell them this is how it's going to be - 2 houses, shared custody and still be a family but not under one roof anymore.

 

Yes, it will kill those kids hearts, but obviously she isn't willing to give her marriage the best shot she can for the kids sake, give her husband a chance to woo her again. She just wants out, well, come a month or so, hopefully she'll be in process of leaving for real.

 

I feel bad for her husband though, I mean the whole NC thing was a bust from day one as she knew she wouldn't keep NC and he was right all along, behind his back there was a plan - Even if it was unspoken/no details - There still was a plan.

 

Stamp, you have to now not talk to her, stay in NC mode. Allowing her to break NC from here on out just means she's making sure you're still waiting. Thing is, she should be leaving either way!! If she can't stand being married, YOU shouldn't be the reason why she is so desparate and miserable to get out of the house, away from her husband.

 

Just be aware that 'the plan' may not happen quickly...Even if she moves right into house, don't expectthe kids to follow as that would very unfair to them, let alone a complete disrespect for her husband, the kids dad.

 

I don't know if it's just me, but something feels abit off..Not you, but the situation itself.

 

She will NOT be moving here with me for maybe 3-5 plus years.... She will be on her own. I agree, and I've said all along, this agreement for NC was for the wrong reasons.. He even asked her if she was doing it because he asked her to, and she replied "yes, because you and the MC told me to.." She was already ready to say she wanted D, but was talked out of it by MC.. She feels that it isnt fair to anybody when she's NOT trying.. WHat's the point?

And as far as her H wooing her?? C'mon, he hasnt wooed her in over 10 years or more...

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One more thing, she ought to just be honest with her husband. Lay everything out in the open because they still have to co-parent together and be on good terms because of those kids they share.

 

He should have a big say in when you get to meet the kids too. I know you are probably going to disagree with that, but those kids lives are about to be turned upside and it will take them a long time to accept their mom's new 'friend.'

 

2-3 years good enough? cause that's our goal

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