Jump to content

What my friend, a BS, told me...


Recommended Posts

She is my massage therapist and believes in all the karma stuff so maybe her persepctive is a bit different than other BS's POV's. She is also from Australia and I think different cultures handle situations differently.

 

Prior to me ever being in an affair, she would talk to me about how her husband--the love of her life who she was with for 14 years and married 7 of those--had cheated on her with several women while they were married. She took partial blame for his philanderings because she strongly believes it takes two to tear up a marriage--the husband and wife--not the husband and OW or wife and OM. I have mentioned this lady before on this forum.

 

Anyway, I was talking to her today and told her how the MM's wife had called me. She said "No way!!!" and even though she was once the BS, she feels that I am not to blame for this MM's cheating on his wife. The problem begins at home between man and woman. When that problem exists for a while, one of the spouses then goes out and finds someone else. They may not be looking, but it's more of a suplement for what they are not getting at home.

 

She also said that there is no such thing as not knowing your spouse is cheating on you--the signs are there, you just have to know what they are and part of not knowing is being in denial, which she said she was for a Very long time. She now looks back at every thing that her husband was doing while she and he were having problems and realizes how blind she really was. After her divorce she dated another man who also cheated on her and same patterns of cheating...the signs were All the same. (Men are programmed to behave the same when cheating, perhaps...).

 

She also said that when a BS pressures the cheater and shows insecurity, it only pushes the cheater further away. She actually never called the OW but did go to the OW's house because she wanted to meet the woman her husband was having an affair with. She wanted to get to know this woman and understand where this woman was coming from. While she was completely friendly to this woman, the OW however was very rude to her--leaving her messages at home saying things such as "your husband loves me, not you anymore," and so forth.

 

I think the lesson learned here is exactly what my friend did--play it cool and do not become this crazy woman you know you aren't (or man). As the OW, your role needs to be to stay away from the wife and let the husband take care of the wife--not you. Do not call the wife and say horrible things that probably aren't true--ie "your husband loves me, not you."

 

The tables have turned and she is now redating her ex husband and get this...she is now the OW to the woman who was the OW in her marriage!!! Well ex husband and wife are separated, but it's funny how the tables have turned. It took this guy a divorce, a second marriage, and a second divorce trail to realize that his first wife was truly the love of his life. She however, my friend, is taking things slowly keeping in mind that he truly hurt her when they were married the first time and that he can easily cheat on her again. I think she is smart playing it the way she is. She is going into this relationship with her ex husband knowing that he very well may hurt her--which is exactly what I did with my MM.

 

I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense here...I am fighting a really bad cold and a high up on meds! ;)

 

Anyway, I am not looking for a 20-page thread to begin here. I am just sharing her story, and her POV's about this, and also pointing out that both the BS and the OP needs to not contact each other and keep it cool, and let the cheating spouse figure things out on his own. If the BS shows signs of insecurities. then it will only further push he or her away from their spouse, and same goes for the OW / OM--don't show signs of insecurities because it will only further complicate things.

 

I also want to add that my mother who was also the BS has also told me all the signs were there--same signs my friend told me. Like I said, men are programmed at birth, haha. My mom also takes blame for her cheating husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The fact that she is now his OW complicates the whole thing about what she said because she is now in the position of "judging" the R he has with his "GF" that was his "OW".

 

I can't say that she is a BS now that she is his OW. She divorced the man for cheating on her. It makes no sense to me to help him cheat on his now-GF unless its just to get "her" back for what she "did" to her M with him.

 

Confusing, at best. Sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting thread Gwyneth. I have to say though that hindsight is a great thing as it allows us when looking back to see the signs that were there that were missed at the time.

 

I dont believe that the BS always knows that something is up but chooses to stay in denial - obviously I wasnt married but presumably the same would go for relationships too - and I didnt know that I was the other woman for 8 months and decide to ignore all the signs. Sure - now with hindsight I'd know what to look out for - but I didnt at the time.

 

My dad left my mum for the other woman, her best friend and his best friends wife. My mum was devestated - I think she would disagree that she knew but ingored it. As too would my two friends whose husbands had flings or affairs and have now divorced (in both cases the wife kicked the hubby out).

 

Only the other night I was out havig a drink with old school friends (thanks to face book). I had on my right a man who is having an affair with a married woman who has been married for 17 years, and on my left I had a man who isnt married but has been with his partner for 10 ir so years, with 3 kids. Only last weekend he was kissing another woman when he was out and he has slept with people behind her back on several occasions. When I ask him why he cant asnwer. He likes varitey, can't imagin only sleeping with his girlfriend for the rest of his life. He likes to feel wanted. She is very secure- he isnt.

 

Infideltiy is everywhere - it just seems to me to be the done thing these days. It dosent seem to me to even signify a problem in the relationship. Its just what people do. If I get married I may screw around too - seems that it is those people that have everything.

Link to post
Share on other sites
noforgiveness

Still trying to make yourself feel better about what you are doing? No matter how you want to justify it in your mind you are wrong for being with a mm.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Question: So because your friend and your mum both take the blame for their partner's cheating, does that mean that all BSs should?

 

I don't think the BSs have a hand in the cheating, especially as the one doing the cheating will lie about it when confronted in most cases.

 

Is this another thread that seeks to blame the betrayed?

 

Being that the BS is now his OW, its not making a good case - if that's the goal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
Question: So because your friend and your mum both take the blame for their partner's cheating' date=' does that mean that all BSs should?[/quote']

 

You know, I think the cheating is the cheater's fault...It can't be blamed on anyone else...

 

Now there are factors in every M that contribute to the dissolution of the M, usually on both sides...But it really matters whether you choose to try and work on them or sweep them under the rug...

 

Does blame solve any problem? No, it shifts the focus from the problem to a person...And the problem still goes unaddressed...

 

I think you have to get to the heart of the problem before the R can become healthy again...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster

The fact that this so-called BS is now an OW negates any validity to her opinion as a BS.

 

She's an OW, call her what she is, not what she was.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think its a lot easier for her to have her point of view now that she's the OW...I highly doubt she held the same opinion she has now back when her husband was cheating on her.

 

As far as the BS contacting the OP... well, personally I feel that the BS should take any step along those lines they feel is needed to end the affair. There's nothing wrong with calling the OP...although ordinarily it will be a waste of time. Occasionally however, you find that the OP has been thoroughly lied to, AND happens to be willing to hear the "other side of the story". Usually, the WS lies to both his spouse and his affair partner...and if the affair partner doesn't realize the extent of the lies, but then suddenly can see a clearer picture of what's going on, that can result in the end of the affair.

 

In reality tho, most of the time the OP doesn't trust or believe what the BS has to say...so the contact between them often results in nothing.

 

I don't agree that it 'pushes the WS away'. It DOES interfere in the affair...it makes it that much more 'reality based'. It takes an element of that fantasy away...which works in the BSs favor towards the end of the affair and reconciliation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You know, I think the cheating is the cheater's fault...It can't be blamed on anyone else...

 

Now there are factors in every M that contribute to the dissolution of the M, usually on both sides...But it really matters whether you choose to try and work on them or sweep them under the rug...

 

Does blame solve any problem? No, it shifts the focus from the problem to a person...And the problem still goes unaddressed...

 

I think you have to get to the heart of the problem before the R can become healthy again...

 

I agree with this. But for the "BS" in this story, I wonder if her taking the blame for what was wrong in her M is the reason for being his OW now.

 

Is she trying to show him that she can be what he wanted all along? Thus, trying to free herself from the blame and place it elsewhere (the new GF)?

 

But yeah, I can't see how blaming anyone gets to the heart of the matter. Its human to be angry at the betrayers, and even to blame them. But to stay there never solves the real issue.

 

This situation is much more complicated than "blame". Its like the exW now feels she has a leg up on the GF because she is now the OW. It will get old. And, its a very common occurence (in my experience anyway).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I forgot to mention that when she had told me about her divorce and her feelings about her husband being unfaithful and the OW, she was Not redating her ex husband. This is fairly new that she is back with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Still trying to make yourself feel better about what you are doing? No matter how you want to justify it in your mind you are wrong for being with a mm.

 

 

I felt I wasn't going to answer this comment as it's pretty arrogant, and just by seeing your username says a Lot about your character--you don't forgive and have a small heart. No, I am not trying to justify what I am doing--where did I give you this impression? This isn't about me--it's about this woman and her POV as the BS and the OW.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes of course cheating is the cheater's fault. But just because you're having a bad marriage doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with you. :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Also, she is the OW to a man who is legally separated from his wife. Sorry I forgot to mention all the fine details.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't agree that it 'pushes the WS away'. It DOES interfere in the affair...it makes it that much more 'reality based'. It takes an element of that fantasy away...which works in the BSs favor towards the end of the affair and reconciliation.

 

I've seen this work both ways, Owl. A colleague who phoned her H's OW had him move out that same day because he couldn't stand her "controlling" behaviour any longer, but another friend who phoned her H's OW landed up having a long and difficult conversation which put her H in the dogbox with both of them (W and H are currently in MC, still sleeping in separate bedrooms).

 

I think it's a risky step to take, but sometimes people need to take risks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

that would be a good scenario for a movie...

 

The BS who became the OW to her H's OW... wow...

 

I have to disagree with her though about the BS not reading the signs... in some cases, I am sure there are absolutely no signs... no way the W can find out...

 

Let's say the A is taking place during the day (work hours) and he can be reached at all times on his cell phone... I very much doubt that all W can read the signs...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Also, she is the OW to a man who is legally separated from his wife. Sorry I forgot to mention all the fine details.

 

Okay, so she's not HER exH's OW. That's better.

 

Did she get involved with her separatedMM before the separation or afterwards?

 

Either way, I think she is repeating what he is saying about his reasons for cheating and not something that she actually believed at the time that she was betrayed and divorced. That's why I would never date a newly separated or divorced man. They try to mold you to be the opposite of the woman they just dealt with, and its not fair to you or the new R to have to conform in that way.

 

But, that's JMO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Okay, so she's not HER exH's OW. That's better.

 

Did she get involved with her separatedMM before the separation or afterwards?

 

Either way, I think she is repeating what he is saying about his reasons for cheating and not something that she actually believed at the time that she was betrayed and divorced. That's why I would never date a newly separated or divorced man. They try to mold you to be the opposite of the woman they just dealt with, and its not fair to you or the new R to have to conform in that way.

 

But, that's JMO.

 

She became involved with him as a lover After he separated from the wife. She remained friends with her ex husband after their divorce.

 

I truly believe she knows this man better than he knows himself. She met him when she was a teen and then married him 7 years later and was married for 7 years. They have been divorced for 3 years now. I think he finally realized she was the one he was meant to be with and realizes what a mess he made. What he needs to do now is be faithful and honest. She knows what signs to look for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
that would be a good scenario for a movie...

 

The BS who became the OW to her H's OW... wow...

 

I have to disagree with her though about the BS not reading the signs... in some cases, I am sure there are absolutely no signs... no way the W can find out...

 

Let's say the A is taking place during the day (work hours) and he can be reached at all times on his cell phone... I very much doubt that all W can read the signs...

 

She means that emotionally he wasn't all there. His touch, kiss, and the sex were just that--a touch, a kiss, SEX. No more Love Making--it was just sex. There are signs every where and you just need to figure out how to read them and use them. We easily overlook signs. There's that woman's instinct and I am sure men have that too. You don't notice the signs if you do not think there is a reason to look for the signs. Signs are Always there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

that would be a good scenario for a movie...

 

The BS who became the OW to her H's OW... wow...

 

Happens all the time. One of the most likely candidates for an OP is an ex-spouse or boyfriend.

 

The new relationship between them can progress much faster to an affair than many others because they've already got that 'history'.

 

One more reason that long term marriages often don't work out of affairs...and why they say that the WS will OFTEN end up back with the original BS, even if the OP and WS marry. Especially if there were kids involved in the first marriage, because that almost forces that continued interaction between them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, its often that they don't notice the signs because its hard for many people to envision their spouse cheating on them.

 

If you haven't figured it out, I'm pretty good at understanding people, and why they do what they do.

 

It took me months to get enough "proof" for myself to get to a point where I KNEW what was going on. I suspected...but wasn't going to make a flat out accusation without have evidence. Once I 'KNEW'...it took me 3 days to get the "proof" of the affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Also, its often that they don't notice the signs because its hard for many people to envision their spouse cheating on them.

 

 

 

This is very true, Owl. That is why I said that they will not look for signs if they don't know to. Some women are Always looking for signs--at least women that I know. Some people think they are too good of a person to have to worry about it. I don't think it has to do with a "I'm a good person," or a "I'm a bad person" kind of case. You are who you are, but your spouse is a completely different person.

 

She became a Much stronger person from all of this. We can only hope and wish Every BS can become a much stronger person from the damage their spouse put upon them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is very true, Owl. That is why I said that they will not look for signs if they don't know to. Some women are Always looking for signs--at least women that I know. Some people think they are too good of a person to have to worry about it. I don't think it has to do with a "I'm a good person," or a "I'm a bad person" kind of case. You are who you are, but your spouse is a completely different person.

 

She became a Much stronger person from all of this. We can only hope and wish Every BS can become a much stronger person from the damage their spouse put upon them.

 

Your post made me think about something my MM told me a few months back:

 

He was watching something on TV with her.. (I forgot what it was) ... then she said: 'ah-ha.. I bet anything that this guy is cheating on his wife' ... funny that she can read stuff from other guys but not on her own H...

 

But I guess, when you have no doubt.. you just don't look for signs. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Or she is in denial.

 

It's Very easy to tell if someone else is cheating on his or her SO, but Much harder to know and tell if yours is. I believe part of that is doubt and denial.

 

Also, my mom always said that cheaters usually accuse others of being a cheater. That was one sign she knew my father was cheating on her. They transfer their guilt and naughyness onto others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
She is my massage therapist and believes in all the karma stuff so maybe her persepctive is a bit different than other BS's POV's. She is also from Australia and I think different cultures handle situations differently.

 

Prior to me ever being in an affair, she would talk to me about how her husband--the love of her life who she was with for 14 years and married 7 of those--had cheated on her with several women while they were married. She took partial blame for his philanderings because she strongly believes it takes two to tear up a marriage--the husband and wife--not the husband and OW or wife and OM. I have mentioned this lady before on this forum.

 

Anyway, I was talking to her today and told her how the MM's wife had called me. She said "No way!!!" and even though she was once the BS, she feels that I am not to blame for this MM's cheating on his wife.

 

Congratulations!!! You went out looking for validation and justification....and got it! Good job!

 

 

The problem begins at home between man and woman. When that problem exists for a while, one of the spouses then goes out and finds someone else. They may not be looking, but it's more of a suplement for what they are not getting at home.

 

And why not?...the other spouse deserves to be cheated on right?

 

 

She also said that when a BS pressures the cheater and shows insecurity, it only pushes the cheater further away.

 

As if the cheater wasn't already far enough away....uh...they are cheaters.

 

 

She actually never called the OW but did go to the OW's house because she wanted to meet the woman her husband was having an affair with. She wanted to get to know this woman and understand where this woman was coming from. While she was completely friendly to this woman, the OW however was very rude to her--leaving her messages at home saying things such as "your husband loves me, not you anymore," and so forth.

 

an OW being nasty to a perfectly civil BS? You don't say???

 

The tables have turned and she is now redating her ex husband and get this...she is now the OW to the woman who was the OW in her marriage!!!

 

I wouldn't call that tables being turned...I'd call that sinking to the level of someone you wouldn't want to be considered in the first place.

 

 

Well ex husband and wife are separated, but it's funny how the tables have turned. It took this guy a divorce, a second marriage, and a second divorce trail to realize that his first wife was truly the love of his life.

 

Hmmmm....seems that you could make a case for not being an other woman....makes the OW sound like a selfish interloper being involved with a selfish MM. But thats why MM who cheat and OW that are willing to help them along the way deserve each other....they can have each other and put up with each other's selfishness when the time comes.

 

 

She however, my friend, is taking things slowly keeping in mind that he truly hurt her when they were married the first time and that he can easily cheat on her again.

 

Of course he can....and will...Your friend deserves better than that...I don't even want to know what she is thinking being with this cheater again.

 

 

I think she is smart playing it the way she is. She is going into this relationship with her ex husband knowing that he very well may hurt her--which is exactly what I did with my MM.

 

smart would be not to get involved with him again.

 

 

Anyway, I am not looking for a 20-page thread to begin here. I am just sharing her story, and her POV's about this, and also pointing out that both the BS and the OP needs to not contact each other and keep it cool

 

I can agree with this....I didn't have one thing to say to my xW's dead beat dad...until he contact me on my cell phone to try and intimidate me....I met him face-to-face afterwards to give him the opportunity to tell it to my face....he didn't like what I had to say to him...I brought copies of his police record and print up in the paper about his recent arrest....told him I own his as$ and if he ever called my cell again, the law would be down on his and my xW's as$ toot sweet.

 

 

, and let the cheating spouse figure things out on his own. If the BS shows signs of insecurities. then it will only further push he or her away from their spouse, and same goes for the OW / OM--don't show signs of insecurities because it will only further complicate things.

 

If the BS shows signs of insecurity? Uh..you make it sound like they aren't entitled to feel that way....you do know they were cheated on...right? Why would anyone blame them for feeling the way they feel?

 

 

I also want to add that my mother who was also the BS has also told me all the signs were there--same signs my friend told me. Like I said, men are programmed at birth, haha. My mom also takes blame for her cheating husband.

 

No.. men are not programmed at birth...there are some of us out there that honor committment and do not cheat...some of us that don't feel entitled to put our member's in any warm place they can find....but if thats the way you truly feel, then by default it would mean that women are programmed at birth to mess around with other women's husbands. The generalization works both ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...