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O don't get it?!?


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I know by now, we (posters and me) are going around in circles, BUT that's what I am doing constantly... I don't get how someone who loves you can say the words, "I can't be talking to you right now..." Albeit followed by, "while I sort through things" or "while I figure things out" and even "while I work towards an end of a marriage.. TRUST ME, this is the way you would want it. I know you don't see that right now, but you will...."

 

I am crawling out of my skin. I can barely breathe at times. The anxiety can strangle a person. I am ready to go bust through anyone or anything to grab her (feeling only) I am losing sleep, weight and HOPE by the hour.. This NC seems like a "death sentence" to a once beautiful love..

 

I know she was extremely busy over the weekend with her H's company holiday party at her house (3rd year in a row, catered, not a whole lot of work on her end, except being the W, which quite frankly, I don't get that either.. How in the freaking world can the H do it??? How can he have the A in the back, front and sides of his mind and act as if everything is Peachy?)

 

It snowed and I am sure the kids wanted to play in the snow, sled, come in wetm hot chocolate, we all know the drill... So she has the benefit of KEEPING BUSY as time passes, and I am trying the same..

 

I just don't understand.. Maybe she knows what she's doing, cause I sure as hell don't

 

I keep trying to "replay" all of the "positive" things she's said, hints laid out, and of course, trying to hold on to the longevity and feelings of her love for so long.. I guess it's natural to start to lose grip...

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I just don't understand.. Maybe she knows what she's doing, cause I sure as hell don't

 

Stamp,

 

You know whats going on. It's not that hard to figure out, because the options are limited.

 

Never listen to what she says.... instead listen to what she does.

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Stamp,

 

You know whats going on. It's not that hard to figure out, because the options are limited.

 

Never listen to what she says.... instead listen to what she does.

I dont follow, Cobra... sorry

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LucreziaBorgia
How in the freaking world can the H do it??? How can he have the A in the back, front and sides of his mind and act as if everything is Peachy?)

 

I doubt he finds everything peachy as you say, but if he is getting advice somewhere on how to work through the affair and rebuild, then he may be doing what is called a "plan A" (if you google "plan A" and marriagebuilders you'll see what I mean). If he knows about the affair, he may be thinking that the affair may be merely a distraction to the marriage - something to be worked through and reconciled and if MW is doing what I think she is doing at home, she may be giving him the impression that its working in his favor, if for no other reason than to keep the status quo going.

 

Let her continue to do what she needs to do at home. In the meantime, I would suggest you start looking for ways to untangle your heart from this, if for no other reason than to keep your heart from getting completely shattered. Save some part of your heart and hide it from her. You'll need to rely on that part to get you through if things don't work out.

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Stamp I've just finished replying to you on your other thread, and if you read my reply it might go some way to answering your question here.

 

As she says: she knows you don't get it now, but you will. You are far, FAR to close to it, and in far too much pain, and you cannot see or think clearly. So there is very little chance of you understanding.

 

But look... you keep talking about this true, deep love which means so much to you and her. She's reassured you of exactly that love. Now, think about it: is that the kind of love which is going to dissipate in a few months of NC? If it is, then in all honesty... it would never last the distance anyway. She knows you, she loves you... now... why not try to take a step back and let time do its magic?

 

In the words of someone or other:

 

"how can she miss you if you don't go away?"

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Never listen to what she says.... instead listen to what she does.

 

It's like this - whatever she says to you, make sure she follows through. Action really does speak louder than words.

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LucreziaBorgia

I forgot to mention one other thing - any feelings she has or admits for you will be written off as "affair fog": something that is akin to an illness in the marriage that can be cured and overcome. Her crying in a ball in anguish, for example will not be seen as 'love' for you, but something more like what a crack addict goes through when you take away the crack.

 

If her H is buying into that idea, then it could be that he is merely waiting for the fog to clear so that he can rebuild. Its one of the only hopes a betrayed spouse has, so it may not be 'peachy' or 'denial' on his part - merely the idea that you are something to be eradicated and your effect on his wife 'cured' and then they can set about the process of fixing whatever led to her affair in the first place. The very fact that she is still there may be a hopeful sign for him, and something for him to work with regardless of her intentions behind still being there.

 

Not saying this to be mean or anything - just giving it to you from the other side so that you can see why she may still be sitting the fence instead of simply filing for divorce, moving out and starting a life with you. Sounds like she has unfinished business emotionally and I'm sure that there are more people fighting to keep her married than there are fighting to get her out of it so consider that she may truly be torn.

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It's like this - whatever she says to you, make sure she follows through. Action really does speak louder than words.

 

Simple, but oh so true.

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Great advice and insight, LB!

 

And on the "affair fog"...I think its on the money. Talk with some of the FWS's on the MB site...they'll agree with it too.

 

Heck...my wife went through the same thing.

 

Now, looking back...she sees her feelings for OM in an entirely different light than what she did at that time.

 

SD-

I've asked this before...

 

If you're willing to fight so hard and give your love for her based on your 3 1/2 year affair with her...why in the heck are you so surprised that her HUSBAND is fighting just as hard to rebuild his LONG TERM MARRIAGE with her?!?!?!

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Withdrawal must really suck.

 

I bet when you last saw her, you felt better for a moment. But then once she was gone again, the agony of the withdrawal set in even stronger.

 

Her balling up and crying may not have as much to do with missing Stamp as to do with her own confusion over what she has done and is actually going to do. MW typically don't have 3.5 year affairs and then keep looking back over their shoulder at their marriages. Most walk, and keep walking away from the M much sooner than that.

 

What can you do to stop thinking about her as much? Some things we will never "get", we will just have to "accept".

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I keep trying to "replay" all of the "positive" things she's said, hints laid out, and of course, trying to hold on to the longevity and feelings of her love for so long.. I guess it's natural to start to lose grip...

 

Stamp - clinging to only one side is not doing yourself any favours. You need to use this time for yourself too - to reflect on the good AND THE BAD and to let yourself come to whatever conclusions you need to. If that's a strengthened lover for your MW, great. If it's a walking away, that's good too (in a different way) and if it's ambivalence, then maybe you need more time.

 

NC can be purgatory, or it can be productive. Try to use it to your own benefit, even if it's not your choice to be there. You have only this life - don't waste it wishing it away.

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I forgot to mention one other thing - any feelings she has or admits for you will be written off as "affair fog": something that is akin to an illness in the marriage that can be cured and overcome. Her crying in a ball in anguish, for example will not be seen as 'love' for you, but something more like what a crack addict goes through when you take away the crack.

 

If her H is buying into that idea, then it could be that he is merely waiting for the fog to clear so that he can rebuild. Its one of the only hopes a betrayed spouse has, so it may not be 'peachy' or 'denial' on his part - merely the idea that you are something to be eradicated and your effect on his wife 'cured' and then they can set about the process of fixing whatever led to her affair in the first place. The very fact that she is still there may be a hopeful sign for him, and something for him to work with regardless of her intentions behind still being there.

 

Not saying this to be mean or anything - just giving it to you from the other side so that you can see why she may still be sitting the fence instead of simply filing for divorce, moving out and starting a life with you. Sounds like she has unfinished business emotionally and I'm sure that there are more people fighting to keep her married than there are fighting to get her out of it so consider that she may truly be torn.

 

SO when the H and the counseor see that the Affair Fog is not really a fog at all? Then what?

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How in the freaking world can the H do it??? How can he have the A in the back, front and sides of his mind and act as if everything is Peachy?)

 

Because he loves his wife and wants to work on the marriage. He is rising above it all for the kids sake. And who knows what kind of efforts she's making with him behind closed doors, obviously it's enough that they're trying to fix things.

 

He knows that she needs time to get over you, enough so she can focus on him and try to recapture what they once had. Aka the grace period - Though I doubt very much she told him she broke NC and showed up at your house...

 

Stamp, since this is affecting you in so many ways, don't be shy about talking to your Dr about anti-anxiety meds or something.

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LucreziaBorgia
SO when the H and the counseor see that the Affair Fog is not really a fog at all? Then what?

 

They won't see that until she moves out, files for divorce, and makes it perfectly clear that she has moved on - and even then it will still be written off as a fog, perhaps for years until H moves on himself. Until then, as long as she is there and participating her affair will be treated like a curable addiction, nothing more.

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SO when the H and the counseor see that the Affair Fog is not really a fog at all? Then what?

 

Then she'll divorce and find a way to be with you.

 

But, what you are going to do if it was an affair fog and once she's out of it, she realizes that she wants her husband and family to stay intact? See, it could go either way.....This is why you need to find other things to focus on, keep as busy as you can, otherwise this is going to drive you nuts.

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SO when the H and the counseor see that the Affair Fog is not really a fog at all? Then what?

 

Why does that figure into the equation of what she has already said to you? Either way you need to let her and her M be until she makes a decision to change it.

 

What is it that you really want?

 

Would you be happy if she left her H and you still didn't get her?

 

Do you only have one acceptable outcome in mind?

 

It could be that its not a fog at all, but that doesn't change the fact that she is still with him. Love does not conquer all. It doesn't pay bills. It doesn't fill empty bellies. Sometimes the decision to leave a lover behind is far more practical than emotional. Could you accept that she does love you but does not want to be with you permanently or solely for "practical" reasons? Reasons that sway her thoughts more than "love"?

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Why does that figure into the equation of what she has already said to you? Either way you need to let her and her M be until she makes a decision to change it.

 

What is it that you really want?

 

Would you be happy if she left her H and you still didn't get her?

 

Do you only have one acceptable outcome in mind?

 

It could be that its not a fog at all, but that doesn't change the fact that she is still with him. Love does not conquer all. It doesn't pay bills. It doesn't fill empty bellies. Sometimes the decision to leave a lover behind is far more practical than emotional. Could you accept that she does love you but does not want to be with you permanently or solely for "practical" reasons? Reasons that sway her thoughts more than "love"?

 

Well, I can pay bills and feed bellies... What I can't do is snap my fingers and have everybody in place 3 plus years down the road and take away any pain that would come with a Divorce.. So, YES, I can probably accept and live with the fact that she stayed for the Children... I can not see her staying for H... I just can't...

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Well, I can pay bills and feed bellies... What I can't do is snap my fingers and have everybody in place 3 plus years down the road and take away any pain that would come with a Divorce.. So, YES, I can probably accept and live with the fact that she stayed for the Children... I can not see her staying for H... I just can't...

 

Why does the "what" of why she is staying even matter though? The point is "she's staying". That's where you need to start.

 

You may never accept her reasons for staying, but you will need to accept that she is staying (for the time being or forever). Her reasons aren't the issue.

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So, YES, I can probably accept and live with the fact that she stayed for the Children... I can not see her staying for H... I just can't...

 

If she does, she may not ever tell you her real reasons. She will say the kids as it's easier for her to explain that than to say I realize now I love my H and want to make the marriage better. Obviously she is going to have to have some sort of connection again with her husband, otherwise she'll just pick up where she left off with you, or find someone else to fill in the needs that she won't let her H fill in.

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Why does the "what" of why she is staying even matter though? The point is "she's staying". That's where you need to start.

 

You may never accept her reasons for staying, but you will need to accept that she is staying (for the time being or forever). Her reasons aren't the issue.

Ths problem that I am having is ALL of the things "said" to indicate that this is only a "period of time" that she has to go through to somehow satisfy both H and counselor... She even told H that.. BUT, you are ALL right, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER!!

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Ths problem that I am having is ALL of the things "said" to indicate that this is only a "period of time" that she has to go through to somehow satisfy both H and counselor... She even told H that..

 

Then what is the point if she is just going to leave anyway? I mean when you think about it, all she is doing is prolonging the pain. Or she is lying to you about what she's told her husband and the counsellor. I don't know stamp...But analyzing this to death is getting to you as it's out of your hands.

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Then what is the point if she is just going to leave anyway? I mean when you think about it, all she is doing is prolonging the pain. Or she is lying to you about what she's told her husband and the counsellor. I don't know stamp...But analyzing this to death is getting to you as it's out of your hands.

Agree.. Easies said than done, I am a guy, That's what we do sometimes... Again, I believe her. History of hard truths.. She feels that she "owes" him time. Hasnt promised him anything. Just as of last week, he thinks we have a "plan".. Of course, the benefit of the Holidays buys that time alot easier and makes it more understandable on my end.. Although there is never a "good time" to break the news, I would imagine a week or 2 before Christmas isnt the best.. She said she is going to have her eyes wide open through the Holidays and watch the children as things are still being done "separately".. Anyway, enough of beating my almost dead horse...

 

Thanks everyone!

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lovernotafighter
SO when the H and the counseor see that the Affair Fog is not really a fog at all? Then what?

 

theres no such thing as affair fog, I can't believe that was even brought up in your thread!!

 

though there is affair 'tsunami' and I'm in it!! :p

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